Why we're here...

Love and marriage are the greatest adventures in life, and they point they way to our relationship with the Almighty.

We're honored to be a member of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association...click on their logo to visit them.

undefined

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Your Dying Spouse 388: A Caregiver So Far From Home {FMF/#write31days}

Caregiving for a dying spouse can be so very, very lonely.

The person you were supposed to be able to share things with...he or she is, at times, no longer there, and those occurrences are increasing.

The cozy and benevolent God of the prosperity gospel (and its progenitor, the health and wealth gospel) seems far away.

The people who say that you should consider God - Abba - to be 'daddy', with the expectant cry of "Daddy, what's next!" seem to have been smoking something of which you were not allowed a puff.

What's next? Soiled laundry, and a sore back from trying to help your mate to stand...or even sit.

And then you have to help him bathe. (Yes, him, for now it will get personal.)

I see the despair and resignation in Barbara's face, every single day. She leaves for work, and when she returns in the evening, I'm visibly worse. I wish I could hide it, but having skin the colour of parchment makes it hard to hide. So does running into the yard to puke blood, and shrieking in pain.

I think Barb feels very far from her eternal home, sometimes.

I have to help her rediscover it. (The FMF prompt is discover.)

I try. I really do, by sending her prayers and Scripture by email when she's at work (she has the only phone, as I can't really speak clearly any more), and by doing my best to find an excuse to stay positive in faith, hope, and charity.

She is my caregiver, but caregiving, like trust, goes both ways. Her job is recognizably harder than mine. I am fighting for my life, and will lose, but she will carry the memory of that loss, and the memory of the dreadful personal cost that tis has incurred.

It's very hard to remember the good days.

So I have to speak faith, through Scripture an through parables.

I have to speak hope, reminding her of the love that surrounds her, and how valued she is by those with whom she works.

And I have to have a heart of charity, a love that holds to her, but allows her to create the distance she needs to continue the long goodbye. It sounds harsher than it is; do you remember the feeling of taking beloved visiting friends or family to the airport, and the awkwardness of waiting for the flight to be called (before 9/11) or when it was time to go through security?

Dying's a lot like that. it's not that there's nothing to say, but the feeling of time being a cutoff damps down everything.

Distance is needed, because I can't help Barbara across the chasm that my death will open beneath her feet.

But God can. And I can help in this, to release the hold of my heart and let her turn her thoughts from the minutiae of marriage and caregiving to the Might of the Almighty, to those strong Arms that are in word and truth the only thing that will carry her home.

The musical theme is provided by Clemency, with Boys' Choir




My #write31days posts so far are:

October 2 - Talk To A Caregiver
October 3 -  Create A Caregiver Haven

Write 31 Days prompts - 2017

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.













45 comments:

  1. I keep you and Barb in my prayers, Andrew! I love the song--looks like it was filmed in El Centro (I lived there a long time ago) or southern AZ.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anita, we truly appreciate the prayers. And you're right, the song's location does look a bit like El Centro (spent a lot of time there) or southern AZ (lived in Tucson for awhile).

      Delete
  2. Awww, Andrew. You did it. You made me cry. My heart breaks for her, and for you. I've been praying for the two of you lots lately. Can't imagine how difficult this season is.

    May our God, the God of hope, reveal Himself to each of you in the ways you each need to see Him.

    Okay, and that video? Such a good story in it. Thanks for sharing, Andrew.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jeanne, it is a tough season, and thank you so much for the warm and lovely prayer. We really appreciate and treasure it...and your friendship.

      And so glad you enjoyed the video!

      Delete
  3. I appreciate this piece, Andrew. Frankly I need to toss it around in my head a little bit. I admire your support of Barb -- I know you'll argue she needs it (and she does) but your intentionality is something to behold.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Paula, you do me great honour with these grace-filled words - thank you so much!

      Delete
  4. As always...real and raw. Thank you for reminding us of what is truly important and sharing such difficult life moments. Praying for strength, comfort and that peace that passes all understanding. ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nanette, life's sure pretty raw today! Thank you for these lovely, kind words, and for your prayers.

      Delete
  5. Andrew, it really moves me that in the midst of your own suffering you are showing such compassion for Barbara and looking to encourage her and give her hope. This must be so tough for you both. As always, praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lesley, thank you...it is tough for both of us, but far harder, I think, for Barbara. I can measure the pain and the fear, while she has to imagine it, and imagination's always way worse.

      Thank you so much for the prayers!

      Delete
  6. I don't even know what to say anymore. Except I'm really glad to see your posts day after day. (((xo)))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I, dear Susan, am very glad you're here. You offer such grace in such beastly days.

      {{{XOXOWaggyWaggyWOOF!}}}

      Delete
  7. I love the analogy of waiting at the airport with loved ones leaving. The awkward tension... I love your honesty though it's hard to read and know you & Barbara are in the thick of it. Thank you for your perspective on discovery as I help my husband through Parkinson's and he helps me stay focused.💔

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lisa, thank you for this...we truly appreciate your kind words, and we will keep you both in our prayers.

      Delete
  8. Praying for you both, Knowing this is hard, but God is big enough to carry you both through in HIs loving arms!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Carol, yes, indeed...He does carry us.

      And thank you so much for the prayers.

      Delete
  9. Thanks for sharing your heart Andrew. I know living in that tension is difficult and I pray that you and Barbara can lean on each other and God in the midst of your time together!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amy, you have it exactly right...like a three-legged milking stool, we have stability when we lean on each other, and on God!

      Thank you so much!

      Delete
  10. Andrew (& Barb!), this is such an honest & beautiful reminder of what "sickness & health" means. Thank you for bringing us along.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Annie, thank YOU for being our companion on this journey. We appreciate you!

      Delete
  11. great post andrew. what a lovely tribute to barb:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Martha!

      Loved your FMF 'Discover' post but unfortunately could not leave a comment; got a '405 error'.

      Delete
  12. Andrew and Barb - your marriage is an example to us all. No joke. - Marie (mlsgregg.com)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Marie, thank you...we truly, truly appreciate this.

      Delete
  13. Thank you so much for sharing your journey and Barb's with us. My grandmother lived with my parents and I while I was attending college, and your post helped me think of memories of that time from my grandmothers perspective. I am praying for you and Barb. -Jolene

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jolene, thank you for sharing your experience...and we are so glad we could give you a different perspective, perhaps, with which to treasure your memories.

      Thank you so much for your prayers!

      Delete
  14. Andrew, I am so glad you are still writing, as hard as it must be. Your love for Barb shines through loud and clear as your love for God. It's beautiful! You always manage to inspire me. Blessings and love to you and your dear Barb.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gayl, it's the love that keeps me going...love given, and love received.

      Thank you so much for being here, my friend.

      Delete
  15. She's still lucky to have a husband who obviously loves her so much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jan, thank you...I do my best to show it, every day, and in every way I can.

      Delete
  16. Yes, it is hard for both of you. I ask God to surround both of your with his grace to take care of both of your needs. Abundant blessings to you both!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mari-Anna, His grace is truly here...we are blessed beyond measure.

      Thank you so much for being here today.

      Delete
  17. It's so moving to see your love and concern for your wife even through your own pain. And I know what you mean about that time waiting for a flight: the atmosphere is so full of emotion and meaning but it's so hard to know what/how to speak in the moment. Thanks for writing, Andrew -- so glad you still can.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jeannie, thank you so much...I truly appreciate your words, and your company on this journey.

      Delete
  18. Thank you for the honesty in your post, I really respect that. Best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mindy, your comment made my day...thank you!

      Delete
  19. Reading your post made me think of Psalm 126:5,6.
    "Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.
    Those who go out weeping, carrying seeds to sow,
    Will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them."

    You and Barb are in my prayers. May you both feel Father's loving arms around you, supporting you, wiping away your tears, bearing your emotional and physical pain on his shoulders so you don't have to carry it alone. May you and Barb find peace, rest, and comfort.

    Thank you for sharing you all's journeys with us. You have a way with words and craft them well. Blessings to you and Barb. I'll continue to pray for you both.

    Sue
    https://suewmil.wordpress.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sue, thank you so much for the Psalm! it's perfect.

      We do have a measure of peace, rest, and joy...perhaps more now than in the fruitful years, because now we really appreciate the good times.

      We really appreciate your prayers; they're needed, and they matter to us. Thank you so much!

      Delete
  20. Yes, Andrew! God can and will help her across that great chasm! Prayers are with the two of you, carrying you in love to the Father.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Leigh, He sure will...and that is such a great comfort. Thank you so much for the prayers; we truly appreciate them.

      Delete
  21. Being the caregiver is so hard! Thank you for being so real about all of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank YOU, Tara, for being here! We appreciate you!

      Delete
  22. Speak faith. Speak hope. Those words stood out to me. May I always do that like you are. Yes, being a caregiver is challenging. Praying for you and Barbara!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Julie, I'm honoured by your words, your presence, and your prayers. Thank you so much!

      Delete
  23. I feel blessed reading your post and stopped to msg my mom. You two are on a mission of spreading love and hope. God Bless you both!!

    ReplyDelete