Sometimes, as a caregiver, you will find yourself hoping the rawest and most brutal hope there is.
"Please...just die."
It feels so wrong, and it goes against anyone of any faith is trained to think.
It feels like a betrayal, and a complete abrogation of the caregiver's purpose.
And I am here, as a terminally ill patient, to say...
It's OK.
I can see in Barbara's eyes how hard it is to watch me lose ground, hear in her voice the despair that drives her to her knees in the depths of the night, praying to a God whom she fears has scant time for her.
She wants the mercy to take me, to let this end, so that I am no longer screaming in the night and vomiting blood by day.
And she wants it for herself, too a release from this horrible bondage to a process that is implacably cruel.
I understand that. Completely. I have been a caregiver, myself, you see.
I felt the same way.
And it's OK.
Somehow I ended up doing two #write31days blogs; the other is on Starting The Day With Grace. I'd be honoured if you'd drop by.
The musical theme is The Traveling Wilburys' End Of The Line. The refrain, "...it's all right..." seems to fit. It;s kind of poignant...in the video there's a rocking chair holding the late Roy Orbison's guitar, and now Tom Petty is gone, too.
I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.
Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).
I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!
And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
I think it's part of human nature. It hurts to see those we love sick and in pain.
ReplyDeleteTara, yes...that's exactly right!
DeleteThis is something we have struggled with as well. My m-i-l is 89, bedridden, can't speak, can't move anything but her hands and head, sleeps 20-22 hours a day. You used to be able to tell by her eyes that she recognized you and understood you, but those moments are less and less. My husband has said it's like watching someone die one brain cell at a time. We've struggled with why God hasn't released her from this body and mind into her new heavenly one. One friend whose took care of a m-i-l with Alzheimer's for years said that sometimes He leaves older loved ones here for our sakes, that we might face our own selfishness and learn unconditional love and service for others. I've certainly come face to face with my selfishness a number of times, and I hope I am learning the rest.
ReplyDeleteBarbara, I am so sorry for both of you, to have to go through this. Please, don't ever be hard on yourself. This is the toughest job a person can face.
DeleteWe'll be praying for you.