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Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Your Dying Spouse 399 - Caregiver, You Have The Rest of Your Life {#write31days}

This is a brutal truth. When you're caring for a terminally ill spouse, he or she is going to die, and you will go on.

Alone.

You will have to live the rest of your life. Don't throw it away.

When death comes, it will literally cut like a knife. All of the routines of both caregiving and marriage will suddenly end; the life that was fenced in by routine and duties and the small joys of life on the edge of eternity will vanish, leaving...

...nothing.

You will be bereft, and alone.

Yesterday will seem so close1 It will feel like if you reach far enough, you can bring it back. it can't be gone!

But it is, and you're alone, facing a future that is eminently depressing in its freedoms. You'll have your life back, and you won't want it.

But you've got it, and you have to decide what to do.

Mourning is necessary; no question. You will have many, many days when the pain of loss of your loved one and the caregiving routine will be more than you can bear.

But one day, you'll wake up and the loss won't be the first thing you think about.

You'll feel terrible. Guilty, like you're abandoning someone who needs your thoughts, your memory. It's hard to let go.

Those days will come more and more often, and then one day you'll realize something...you've been happy, and didn't realize it.

Looking back at the ordeals will be like looking back over a landscape. The details that hurt so much will become obscured by air and distance.

And that is when your future will begin. You'll always be freighted by a certain wistful sadness...at the very least...but the sorrow will pass, and lose its power to harm.

But you will remember the one you loved.

And you'll recognize him or her in heaven.

And here ends 31 Days of Caregiving, a project I didn't intend to pursue until literally the first day...but I'm glad I did. Energy permitting, I'll turn this into a short book, if it might be a helpful guide. perhaps with an appropriate Bible verse for every entry, so that it might be a sort of devotional.

What do you think?

And we'll go out with the music of the King, singing You'll Never Walk Alone.



My #write31days posts so far are:

October 2 - Talk To A Caregiver
October 3 -  Create A Caregiver Haven
October 5 - A Caregiver's Trust
October 9 - A Caregiving Plan?
October 13 - Taking Care Of God
October 19 - A Caregiver's Brave
October 21 - Caregiver, Give Hope

Write 31 Days prompts - 2017

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.








Posted by at 18 comments:

Monday, October 30, 2017

Your Dying Spouse 398 - Caregiver, Refine Your Life {#write31days}

When you're caring for a terminally ill spouse,your life, as we have seen, is going to change. A lot.

One of the things that goes by the wayside, in many cases, is some degree o that old-fashioned word refinement.

Refinement can be defined as cultured elegance in manner and style, and that's awfully hard to keep up when you're emptying bedpans or cleaning up vomit.

Or, for that matter, when you're exhausted at 3 AM...isn't it always 3 in the morning when bad stuff happens?..too tired to sleep, but too painfully aware that you're sitting next to someone who's going to die soon. Someone you love.

It can be hard to see the importance in doing more than the minimum in looking good, and even in taking the time to speak in anything beyond a rushed jumble. ust get it all over with.

But I am going to ask that you try, just a little bit, to care. That even on the weekend, when it's going to be shut-in time, that you make the effort to dress neatly. That you choose words carefully, and speak clearly. No PJ's and bathrobe, no mumbling.

Act with refinement. Be elegant.

These words are different for different people, and different budgets. For me, elegant meant I was wearing shoes instead of flip-flops, and I had shaved that week....or at least the week before.

And refined speech meant, back in the day, that only every tenth word or so was unprintable.

OK, kidding, but you get my drift. Do what you can, with what you have, and with who you are.

Why?  Why even bother?

The simple answer is that taking pride in your persona and taking care of your presentation keep you focused on maintaining quality in everything you do...including caregiving. It's unfair, in a way...I mean, why can't you be comfortable and a bit sloppy?

Sloppiness spreads, that's why.

The more complicated answer is that you should not 'be going down together'; your spouse/patient needs some surety, something firm to which to hold that reminds him or her of a normal life. The way you carry yourself is the bridge between the sickbed and The World.

And believe me...that bridge is needed.

 Music from Mandisa, with Broken Hallelujah.



My #write31days posts so far are:

October 2 - Talk To A Caregiver
October 3 -  Create A Caregiver Haven
October 5 - A Caregiver's Trust
October 9 - A Caregiving Plan?
October 13 - Taking Care Of God
October 19 - A Caregiver's Brave
October 21 - Caregiver, Give Hope


Write 31 Days prompts - 2017

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.













Posted by at 5 comments:

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Your Dying Spouse 397 - Caregiver, Follow A Routine {#write31days}

I'm writing this a few hours after a very bad fall, and I am on concussion protocol. Again.

Good thing, in a way, because it emphasizes the need to follow a routine; I can get through my duties this evening only because I do things the same way each day. The dogs, for instance, are let out in a certain order, and fed in a certain order.

I don't have to think about it, which is important when, concussed, I can't.

The same goes for caregiving. Not that you'll be suffering from head trauma (I hope!), but things can turn into an exhausting kaleidoscope whirl that can make it all to easy to forget things that are really vital...like medication schedules.

Sure, routine can also be boring at length, but you can find ways to liven it up, sometimes by just intentionally noticing what you're experiencing. When I take out the dogs who have to walk on leash (like the Ridgeback twins, Josie and Reebok, aka "THEM!") I take them to the same part of the yard each time, but do try to pay attention to the gravel driveway beneath my feet. I've fund some lovely rocks that I will one day make into a heart-shaped mosaic for Barbara.

And in the different light each day, the quartz in the gravel shines in a unique way. I've seen so much beauty, on the same well-trodden path.

Follow a routine, and muscle memory will help you remember what to do. Routine is not a 'crutch'; it's a pair of shoes worn on a rocky road.

Here's the great English hymn Jerusalem, performed by the male quartet Blake.


My #write31days posts so far are:

October 2 - Talk To A Caregiver
October 3 -  Create A Caregiver Haven
October 5 - A Caregiver's Trust
October 9 - A Caregiving Plan?

Write 31 Days prompts - 2017

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.













Posted by at 4 comments:

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Your Dying Spouse 396 - Caregiver, Stay Connected With God {#write31days}

When it's three in the morning and the person you love is screaming in pain, far beyond anything that opioids can handle, you can feel mighty lonely.

Ask Barb. She knows.

I hope you can believe that there's Someone there with you though. Someone mighty, who wa a caregiver Himself.

You see, He had to watch His own Son suffer agonies.

And He couldn't lift a finger, because it would have negated His Purpose, and His Son's sacrifice...the sacrifice that bought you freedom from the fires of Hell. Only the pain, and death, could purchase that.

And he had to be a caregiver, standing on the sidelines. He had to watch.

He's walked this road for you. And while you may not be able to literally climb into His lap and get His reassurance, He has something that can help you.

His Word.

I'm not going to suggest that you dive into something like the often-misapplied Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

 It was written for the people of Israel in their exile; and the only future you may see for your beloved wife or husband is more pain, and death. Some things don't end well; ask Jesus, on His way up the Via Dolorosa. (And yes, there is the promise of Heaven, but that sometimes doesn't cut it with the pain you're witnessing inow.)

 Far better, I think, are the verses that show God's love for us, even in the midst of our pain. (The first two are referenced from here.)

 "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." - Matthew  10:29-31

 We have an intrinsic value; one far greater than that of a sparrow, but since He cares about the fallen sparrows...and they will fall - He cares about you, too.

 "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." - Psalm 4:8

 This acknowledges that we really don't control things, but if we believe in the Creator of the Universe, He does. And He cares.

 And my personal favourite, John 11:35:

 "Jesus wept."

 He wept for the sisters of lazarus, who believed that He had not arrived in time to save their brother. He wept for lazarus, who had to endure the crucible of pain that death brings. And He wept for a world that would ever be a slave to death, until after he would die, and come again in Glory.

 How we feel matters. Our tears matter to God.

 Appropriate music is, I think, the Beatles' Let It Be.



My #write31days posts so far are:

October 2 - Talk To A Caregiver
October 3 -  Create A Caregiver Haven
October 5 - A Caregiver's Trust
October 9 - A Caregiving Plan?

Write 31 Days prompts - 2017

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.



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