Your Dying Spouse 388: A Caregiver So Far From Home {FMF/#write31days}

Caregiving for a dying spouse can be so very, very lonely.

The person you were supposed to be able to share things with...he or she is, at times, no longer there, and those occurrences are increasing.

The cozy and benevolent God of the prosperity gospel (and its progenitor, the health and wealth gospel) seems far away.

The people who say that you should consider God - Abba - to be 'daddy', with the expectant cry of "Daddy, what's next!" seem to have been smoking something of which you were not allowed a puff.

What's next? Soiled laundry, and a sore back from trying to help your mate to stand...or even sit.

And then you have to help him bathe. (Yes, him, for now it will get personal.)

I see the despair and resignation in Barbara's face, every single day. She leaves for work, and when she returns in the evening, I'm visibly worse. I wish I could hide it, but having skin the colour of parchment makes it hard to hide. So does running into the yard to puke blood, and shrieking in pain.

I think Barb feels very far from her eternal home, sometimes.

I have to help her rediscover it. (The FMF prompt is discover.)

I try. I really do, by sending her prayers and Scripture by email when she's at work (she has the only phone, as I can't really speak clearly any more), and by doing my best to find an excuse to stay positive in faith, hope, and charity.

She is my caregiver, but caregiving, like trust, goes both ways. Her job is recognizably harder than mine. I am fighting for my life, and will lose, but she will carry the memory of that loss, and the memory of the dreadful personal cost that tis has incurred.

It's very hard to remember the good days.

So I have to speak faith, through Scripture an through parables.

I have to speak hope, reminding her of the love that surrounds her, and how valued she is by those with whom she works.

And I have to have a heart of charity, a love that holds to her, but allows her to create the distance she needs to continue the long goodbye. It sounds harsher than it is; do you remember the feeling of taking beloved visiting friends or family to the airport, and the awkwardness of waiting for the flight to be called (before 9/11) or when it was time to go through security?

Dying's a lot like that. it's not that there's nothing to say, but the feeling of time being a cutoff damps down everything.

Distance is needed, because I can't help Barbara across the chasm that my death will open beneath her feet.

But God can. And I can help in this, to release the hold of my heart and let her turn her thoughts from the minutiae of marriage and caregiving to the Might of the Almighty, to those strong Arms that are in word and truth the only thing that will carry her home.

The musical theme is provided by Clemency, with Boys' Choir

My #write31days posts so far are:

October 1 - Worship For Caregivers

October 2 - Talk To A Caregiver

October 3 -  Create A Caregiver Haven

October 4 - A Caregiver's Raw Hope

October 5 - A Caregiver's Trust

October 6 - Caregiving For Our Country

October 7 - Caregiver, Don't Hold Too Tight

October 8 - Caregiver, You Will Find Freedom In Truth

October 9 - A Caregiving Plan?

October 10 - A Caregiver's Listening Heart
October 11 - Caregiving Remembrances?
October 12 - Caregiver, Write It Down!
October 13 - Taking Care Of God
October 14 - Caregiver, Don't Try Too Hard
October 15 - The Caregiver Will Remain
October 16 - Readings For Caregivers
October 17 - Caregiver, Grow A Thick Skin
October 18 - Caregiver, Share Your Heart
October 19 - A Caregiver's Brave

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.