Your Dying Spouse 266 - Caregiver Vacations

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages - please drop by for some great marriage resources!

The thought of a vacation for a caregiver may sound like an impossible dream...and may give rise to a sardonic comment, or even a sarcastic one.

Obviously, though, we're not talking about two weeks in Fiji (unless, of course, you can afford to bring in qualified help while you're on the beach!).

No, the vacations I have in mind are the small graces you can give yourself, and require only a few hours of respite care to give you some time off...or nothing special at all.

• Spa Day - If you can find a day's worth of trustworthy respite care, consider giving yourself a spa day, with a massage, skin and nail care, a facial...well, maybe not all that if you're a dude, but a massage sure works for everyone
• Bookstore Browsing - If you have a decent bookstore close by and can arrange respite care, take a couple of hours to browse what's new in books and magazines. It's an experience that can lift you out of yourself, and give you a look into a wider world
• Miniature Golf - Yes, you read that right. The perennial summer-evening recreation is a great way to relieve stress, and gentle activity that nonetheless has a focus that will keep you occupied.
• Bowling - Another perennial, and it can be a great (Boom!) stress-reliever
• Go To The Movies - Many cinemas have lower-priced matinees, and if you can break away for a couple of hours you can get lost in an on-screen world
• Arts and Crafts - This is something you can do while caregiving...you can teach yourself to sketch to some degree of satisfaction (I did, so anyone can!), and there's plenty of craft opportunities available that will keep your hand and mind occupied while being 'on call'
• A Special Meal For One - Chances are that your diet is dominated by the culinary needs of your spouse/patient, but why not occasionally treat yourself to a special meal? 
• Climb To A High Place And Gaze - Mountaintops, and even rooftops, can elevate our spirits as well as our bodies, and I always found peace in height.

What would you suggest for a caregiver mini-vacation?

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 265 - What We Value

This will be a short post, and I'm sorry. The situation worsens, and I can barely use my arms and hands, and I have a broken ankle.

Added to this some really bad memories suddenly resurfacing, and the sudden death of a beloved member of the canine family...Indie, an Aussie Barb had known literally from his birth.

So I am lacking heart and strength to write much, but I was thinking about a question, and would love your thoughts:

How much love and effort do we freely give to stuff that can never love us back?

By this I mean crafts and hobbies and writing and philosophy and physical fitness and...well, you can add to the list.

These things aren't bad in themselves, and can refine the love we have for others by making us happier and more well-rounded, but so often - as I have done - we carry them to extremes.

And we leave behind the love we might have had, the friendships that might have sustained us, and the acceptance of our place in a mutual embrace that may have made us more human.

I'd love to hear what you think.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 264 - There's Still Work To Do {FMF}

We're here again with Kate Motaung and Five Minute Friday, the timed, keyword-driven writing challenge that attracts some really awesome writers.

Once again, because of declining health, I'd having to write this ahead of time, but I will try to work in the keyword when it's revealed. I ask your pardon for this.

(The word's CONTROL, and it does fit.)

And so...

This will be hard to write, but I have to be honest. I need to find my way back from the place where I went willingly, facing death. Because, you see, I took a wrong turn.

I froze out my wife, thinking I had to be tougher than pain, and harder than death itself. I  sacrificed love and intimacy on the altar of what I thought was necessary for survival.

I played a role; I played to an audience of one...me. Control the audience, and you can control fate. Wrong.

I turned away offers of help unless I had no choice. I turned away offers of comfort because I thought they would weaken me.

I turned away expressions of love and care, freely given, because I thought that the more i could do for myself today, the more I would still be able to do tomorrow.

And in so doing I completely missed the point of love, life, and faith.

Life isn't about what you do; it's about one thing, and one thing only...

Life is about how you love.

But it's not too late. I can tun back to the path I so foolishly despised. I can accept the help and affection; I can be open in how much life hurts now.

I can accept a shoulder on which I can cry, and the embracing arms in which I can find shelter and rest.

It won't happen overnight; I have to chip away at the cold stone walls I built that I thought were a fortress, and that became a prison.

I may not make it all the way back, but I'd rather die facing forward on the right road.

The musical inspiration comes from the band America; I hope you'll give it a listen.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 263 - Superstitions

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages - please drop by for some great wedded wisdom!

The C Word.

If I don't say cancer, maybe it'll go away; maybe it won't be real.

Does that sound familiar? It's the way a lot of caregivers and patients deal with the crucible in which they find themselves...through superstition.

It's understandable...if one has a really good day, there's a natural desire to try to recreate it tomorrow, by doing certain things the same way, by not talking of other things...by creating a pattern of hope.

That's really what superstition is, in this case...creating a pattern of hope in the hope that it will somehow keep the bad stuff away.

One might be tempted to say it's a bad thing, and should be nipped in the bud, but consider this...once it's become a habit, uprooting it might do more harm than good.

For the patient, it will take time to heal, if those superstitions are ruthlessly stripped away...and in the case of a terminal illness there might not be time.

If your mate's got cancer and is happier not naming the disease, what good will come of forcing him or her to 'face' it? Yes, the truth will set you free, but what if that freedom comes at a cost of a certain peace that could be ripped away? Is it worth it?

Obviously, superstition can be carried to a ridiculous extreme..."step on a crack, break yo' mama's back" is an example.

But if your ill husband or wife has some small superstitious 'tics', ones that you notice but do no harm, I'd suggest you leave them alone.

I have one; Barb hung a calendar in the hallway, with pictures of dogs, and for some reason I took to touching my fingertips to my lips and then touching the nose of the 'dog of the month'. Why> I have no idea, but I felt better for it.

If you as a caregiver have superstitions that you recognize, don't get rid of them on principle, if they do no harm...but do talk to a counselor, or at least a trusted friend, about them. You're in a different position, you see...your spouse may die, but you're going to live on, and the superstitious coping mechanisms you've developed to help handle an illness may be counterproductive in the future you may not want to look at, the one that will exist after the death of your spouse. Dropping them will seem almost disloyal, because it's a connexion, however tenuous, with a cherished memory.

Sharing them, and having at least some nascent accountability, will keep small rituals of coping from becoming huge obstacles to a new life.

What do you think? Did you ever find yourselves superstitious in a crisis?

And today's musical theme is...well, I'm sure you can guess...

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 262 - Forgiveness

Forgiveness. It's the one part of Jesus' teaching that we'd all rather not hear.

It just seems more right, somehow, to draw a circle to shut out those who've wronged us. And for the most part, we admit it's wrong, confess the error...and keep doing it.

We rub along with that friction in our lives.

But if you're a caregiver, you'll find that you can't. At some point, if you have the unresolved hatred that's the deep definition of unforgiveness eating away at you, you'll go past running on empty, and it'll start to take a toll.

On you, and on the husband or wife for whom you're caring.

You've got to let it go. Easy words, but there's nothing else for it, but to say, "I don't have room for this any more." When you're caring for someone who's dying, you don't.

Because if you don't, you'll start taking it out on the patient, in the form of anger that you want to throw at the real target (assuming the real target is not in fact your spouse).

You'll become short with friends and health professionals.

And worst of all, you'll take it out on yourself, and start destroying your own soul.

There are four categories of unforgiveness:

• Unforgiveness for someone outside the family - neighbours or co-workers or the guy who cut you out of line at the grocery...these are the unforgivenesses we bring home
• Unforgiveness of family - the parents who are overly critical, the siblings who are insufferably haughty, the grown children who never call...these are the unforgiven ghosts that  walk through our home, always there, and hard to banish for their long history and close connexion
• Unforgiveness of your spouse - the wounds to the heart that can feel as fresh and infuriating, even after years
• Unforgiveness of yourself - worst of all, this is the devil's whispering that you blew it, and that no amount of time can ever wash that away

And to be an effective caregiver, they all have to be released.

Your world will narrow as your mate's illness progresses; you'll be centered in the sphere of care, and if you take these in there with you, you will take them out on the nearest targets available.

Your husband or wife, and yourself.

But how?

The easy and pat answer is, "turn them over to God." It's a good answer, yeah, but not always easy...and sometimes, we're far enough from the Divine that it's not possible. So here are some other suggestions:

• Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity - much of what hurts us was not meant that way; it was poorly phrased, and reflects more on someone else's deficiency, or on plain bad manners
• Did it hurt the soul, or merely the ego? - egos are fragile and prickly things, because they're built on a foundation of air...the ego is how we want to see ourselves, and not who we truly are. Hurt pride doess ache, but it's only superficial, in the end. It doesn't devalue who we are at the core of the soul.
• Is the person who hurt me that important in my life? - obviously, if its a spouse 9and some family), the answer is yes, but for others...does what they said of did really matter...matter enough to give them that power over how we feel, and the power to keep us from walking the Christian path of forgiveness?
• It's water under the bridge - no matter what the hurt, it's in the past, and nothing will change it, so why give the past control over the future?

And if you can't forgive yourself for something, ask this - If my dearest friend had done what I hold against myself, would I forgive him or her>

Granted, these won't work for every injury we have trouble forgiving...but they'll work for many, if not most.

What other strategies have you used to reach forgiveness?

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 261 - Refiner's Gold {FMF}

Back again with Five Minute Friday, hosted by Kate Motaung. It's a timed, keyword-driven writing challenge, and if you click on the link you can find some really great writers!

Once again, I'm writing ahead of time. Last Saturday night (Jan. 14) I went down kind of hard and needed to be resuscitated. I was awake for the process, and it wasn't much fun. (You can read about it here, if you're interested.And, as an update, it happened a second time, on Jan. 18)

I'm still pretty shaky, and having a lot of chest pain (Barb is concerned that it may be a heart attack, and I really hope it isn't). So, I'll get this written and scheduled in the hope that I can edit for the Word Of The Week before it goes live. We'll see.

(The Word is REFINE.)

And so...

It's been suggested by nearly everyone who knows me (including a dear friend who's a committed atheist!) that I should cry out to God about how distressing this situation is. That I should be as a child who runs to Daddy's side and simply weep, asking for comfort.

Makes sense, but it's a bit difficult for me to do.

No mistake, the situation is distressing. Abilities are slipping away week by week, and the pain is ramping up and changing into things that the old coping methods can't address. Nights are long and rather frightening.

Well, days are long and scary as well. This cpr-and-chest-pain-thing is rather over the top.

However, there is just so much good in life that complaining about things that are really rather minor (and in the course of a life, inevitable in some form) seems to be a tad ungrateful.

• I have a wonderful wife who's taken over, very competently and diligently, as the breadwinner, and who helps to keep a home in which I can still find meaning, even when I can't do nearly what I used to do.
• I have wonderful friends, mainly online, who are loving, supportive, and kind
• I have a group of dogs who, although sometimes loud and fractious, are unswervingly loyal and affectionate.
• I have interests that I can still pursue, in a small way, when I'm able. And when I'm not, Barbara is willing to go to the library and hunt up good books and DVDs.
• I have a comfortable place to sleep (well, rest), where I don't have to worry about disturbing Barb. And I have two service dogs who do not sleep at night; they stand post.
• I can see and hear, and, more or less, think.
• I have the foods I can still eat, and they are of good quality
• I have safe drinking water, and indoor plumbing
• I have clothes that protect me from the weather when I have to go outside.
• I have faith in God.

I could go on, but you get the point. That list puts me so far ahead of billions of people that it's not funny.

So who am I to complain to God about pain and the humiliation of incontinence? Who am I to agonise over the "I'm going to die!" fear when a lot of people are being actively hunted and killed for going to the wrong church...or having the wrong address.

There are times to cry out to God, yes...as Rudyard Kipling pointed out over a century ago

When you're wounded and left on Afghanistan's plains

and the women come out to cut up what remains...

But wait! Wait for the ending of the quatrain

just roll to your rifle and blow out your brains

and go to your Gawd like a soldier.

We, all of us, have options. God will lean into us when we cry out, yes...but He does, I think, hope for steel in the backbone, and grit in the gut, while we can. It's something of a refining process, I guess.

There will be a time to cry out, and it is coming; perhaps sooner than I would wish. But it is not yet.

For now, I'm OK.

And over to Toby Keith for some musical inspiration...

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 260 - Caregiving And In-Laws

We're linked with Messy Marriages From Messes To Messages - please visit Beth's site for some really valuable marriage resources!

If you're caregiving for a terminally ill husband or wife, you may one day run into a problem, and it's spelled I-N-L-A-W-S.

No caregiver is perfect, and if your spouse's family is a regular part of your lives, they're likely to notice where they think they could do better...and often, you will be told.

"You know, he never really did like his food fixed that way..."

"You should spend more time just being with her. She looks so lonely!"

"Didn't you notice how much worse he looks>"

"I saw you at church by yourself last Sunday. Isn't it your place to be home on Sunday morning if you both can't go?"

And perhaps the worst...

"I know you mean well, but..."

It can be awfully frustrating, and worse, it can undermine the confidence you've built up in the job you're doing.

Left to fester, this sort of attack...and it is an attack - can leave you, after the inevitable eath, feeling as though you've failed as a caregiver, and as a spouse.

Also, if the critical in-laws are given free rein, they can affect your mate's attitude, and you'll find yourself very much outnumbered.

What to do? You can't very well limit visits - they're family, after all. But there are some steps you can take:

• Don't engage with critical family in front of the patient - conflict is the last thing your sick husband or wife needs to see. Move the conversation into another room, at least, or preferably make a date to talk about it off the premises if they won't let it go.
• Keep a record of professional advice - ask the professional care team to give you written instructions pertaining to diet and care, and don't be shy to show them to a critic.
• Don't complain to the patient - saying "Your family's driving me nuts!" may feel satisfying, but it puts the patient into an awkward position.
• Be involved with a support group - believe me, you aren't facing this issue alone!
• Seek counseling - it won't change the relatives, but counseling can make it easier for you to understand, and a good counselor can help you find strategies to cope - and, if necessary, to fight back.
• Draw a line - YOU are the caregiving spouse, and the choices are your responsibility. This may cause hurt feelings, but sometimes this can't be avoided - and they started it.

What other strategies can you suggest? Do you have a caregiving experience to hare?

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 259 - Another NDE, And I Am Tired Of Them!

This will be a short post, as I'm still a bit shaky after needing canine CPR last night when I stopped breathing.

It's definitely not a 'drifting off' experience; I can feel the last breath exhale, and then there's no intake of air. It just doesn't come, and vision starts getting tunneled and grey-spotted.

Fortunately the Service dogs, ladron and Sylvia, literally sleep next to my head...only they don't sleep. They are awake all night, watching.

And so, they sprang into action, slamming down - hard - on my chest. Usually they bark; last night they were silent, perhaps because they were too intent on their work.

I've read that mother dogs will do the same, rather more gently, if a pup stops breathing.

And so I came back, with a gasp and a pull-and-push from the girls to get me upright. It was 1:40 in the morning, and you can bet I wasn't about to try to get back to sleep.

It's an exhausting experience, and perhaps the worst part, for me, is a sense of emotional fragility. It leaves me on the edge of tears for hours.

I don't think that's caused by a fear of death; I'm tempted to say it's the sheer unpleasantness of the process of dying.

But that probably misses the point. I think the tears come from a sense of how much this life still matters. Not because of the cool things I can still do, because I can't do them any more.

And not because of the possibility of a future lost, because there's not a whole lot of future. The books that are unfinished will likely remain unfinished; those that are done will likely not see the light of day.

All of the good things I imagined ahead of me are vanishing. And so what?

No, I think that this life matters because it's supposed to matter. We're here for a purpose, and Creation exists not for itself but for us.

We're meant to interact, if only in doing the best we can do, even when no one cares what we do.

God cares.

And when we weep with a sense of what e might lose, I think He weeps with us.

The musical theme today is John Denver's Looking For Space. I hope you enjoy it!

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 258 - Why I Believe {FMF}

Back again with Five Minute Friday, the keyword-driven timed writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung. Please visit for some really wonderful writing!

Once again, illness forces me to write this ahead of time, and I ask your pardon. I will try to edit in the week's word when it's revealed.

(It's MIDDLE.)

And so...

Nights are getting hard. There's no remotely comfortable position,and I'm awake a lot. The alternative is an eerie doze filled with vivid nightmares. Yee-ha.

I'll admit it can be scary...and years ago, when I wondered how I would cope with facing death-by-illness, my biggest fear was facing the fear of death.

But the thing is, I'm not afraid of dying, because I believe in God. And yet...I've never had the 'personal relationship with God'. I with I did, but one has to do with that which one has. Kind of a middle path between experience and blind hope.

And what I have, like any good Vulcan, is logic. (If you'd like to visit my post on How To be A Vulcan, I'd be honoured.)

Doesn't sound very comforting, eh? But really, it is. When the black times come at three in the morning, when is this all there is? comes creeping into my mind, here is that to which my faith is pinned:

• Evidence of a Creator is found in the staggering odds against the 'natural' formation of even the simplest form of life. Given that there are about two thousand enzymes which form life's 'building blocks', the chances of obtaining all of them in a random trial is 1 in 10 to the 40,000th power, according to Fred Hoyle and N. Chandra Wickramasinghe. That's 40,000 zeros. God is the only remotely reasonable option.
• Archaeology has proven much of what is found in the New Testament, and is giving increasing support to the veracity of the Old Testament. Sites are as described, and individuals are increasingly shown to have lived when and where the Bible said they did.
• Jesus' ministry is corroborated by outside sources, such as Flavius Josephus.
• As C.S. Lewis so famously pointed out, Jesus' claim of divinity meant that He was either mad, or telling the truth, and there is no evidence of madness in anything He was recorded as saying. He speaks with an authoritative and shrewd voice, with occasional touches of sly humour. 
• His followers are likewise not described as those who would follow a lunatic, given that their discipleship put them on a collision course with the possibility of a singularly unpleasant death, as they would have been considered blasphemers by the religious authorities.
• Jesus' death and resurrection can be assumed to be true by the behaviour of the Apostles. If Jesus had died and not risen, there would have been no reason to continue following Him unto death. Preaching what one knows to be a lie, knowing that one's own ending would be bad, is madness, and as mentioned the Apostles were clearly not crazy.
• Paul's behaviour supports this. His travels and writings show him to be nothing if not rational, and one has to believe his experience on the road to Damascus. It had to be real; an hallucination would have left any sane man doubting the experience, however vivid it was, and that would have shown up in his letters.

There's more, but my time is up.

The only rational conclusion I can draw is that there is a God, and He lived as a man two thousand years ago. He came to earth for the reason He stated - to save our souls - and died so that we could live.

Not believing would simply be...wait for it...illogical.

The musical theme is from the film 13 Hours...

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.