Your Dying Spouse 638 - The Vital Lesson {FMF}

I try not to remember.

Yesterday can't shape my future. Sure, there are lessons, but trying to apply them to closely to what happens tomorrow can be a dangerous game.

Just incorporate them into a body of experience and knowlege, and move on.

"...can't shape my future." Who am I trying to kid? As they days go from awful to evil, and the smallest exertion leaves me totally breathless, I likely don't have much in the way of tomorrows.

Nonetheless, it's worth it to preserve the possibilities of even one tomorrow.

And I guess a part of that is coming to terms with what lies behind.

As I look back on my yesterdays

they're not as I had planned,

and I honestly can't find the ways

to make justification stand.

The chances didn't pass me by;

it was I who failed the test

of catching them, not knowing why

it might have all been for the best.

There's grace in truth, so I am told,

but the acquisition's hard

and I shall not be growing old

in cancer's prison-yard.

Facing failure's the last bill to pay,

but freedom's thus bought, and not dismay.

Music from Gordon Lightfoot, with Race Among The Ruins.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 637 - Bucket List Temptation

Last weekend I watched the last two rounds of the US Open golf championship, perhaps the premier tournament in the world, played at what is certainly one of the world's best golf courses...Pebble Beach Golf Links, in Carmel, California.

I've played there. It's every bit as wonderful an experience as it's made out to be.

And so, I thought...bucket list. I'd like to go and play there one more time.

I mentioned it to Barb, and she said that if it's really what's needed, she's make it happen. Somehow. Bless her!

But on thinking it through (I know, I don't often do that), I realized a few things.

1. I'm not well enough to get to the airport, much less fly to California and play golf. I'd come home a wreck, and more of a burden.
2. It's financially impossible, and irresponsible. I mean, over $500 for four hours of golf (plus airfare)? No.
3. Most important, it would be time out of a life I love. The routine is grace; Barb, the dogs, the rythms of sky and wind and clouds on this desert mesa...no 'peak experience' is worth trading a minute of that, much less a day or more. There is so little time left, and I am very, very greedy to live it here.
4. Perhaps worst, it would be a 'goodbye to life admission', which would interfere with the need to keep going, to keep supporting Barb and the dogs, for as long as I possibly can. There's an aura of selfishness about that, and it's intolerable.

There is, however, a compromise...Belen has a public golf course, and a couple of ponds that could stand in for the Pacific Ocean. Squint a bit and you're at Pebble.

Maybe I'll have an OK day...some day, one of these days?

Just have to arrange for Barb to have a day off, so she can come...and, of course, all the dogs.

Might need a couple of motorized carts, but what would life be without a cheering section?

I've made friends with the life I have

and do not want another road;

there's here the scope to love and laugh

while carrying cancer's heavy load.

Exotic places beckon, still,

calling "While you can, come see!"

I turn from their brilliance with a will,

because such is not for me.

I'm jealous now of quiet delight

and each minute's for the choosing.

Heed siren-call and board a flight,

not winning, then, but losing.

Days dwindle to a precious few;

dear life, I shall take them with you.

Music from John Denver, with Looking For Space.

For anyone who's still here and wants to know, things are worse, and it feels relly evil.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 636 - Story Of A Love

Today, June 24th, is Barbara's birthday...and our wedding anniversary.

August 9 will also be our wedding anniversary.

Confused?

There's a divorce and remarriage in there. The second marriage, on June 24, took place in Las Vegas, where we both flew (Barb from Indiana, me from Texas) to atend a Focus on the Family wedding seminar.

I had been an unfaithful fool in our short marriage...not with another woman, but worse, unfaithful to her in being true to my own pride.

I courted her all over again, with the weight of my character fully visible. That she was even willing to talk to me was a miracle.

Barb said in the weeks leading up that I could arrange for a remarriage, but she had not yet decided. She had a precondition that only God knew about.

So, on the appointed day, we both arrived, and got a wedding license, and then dressed for the maybe-wedding.

It took place in a helicopter, at night, over the Strip.

At the heliport, there waited the bird, the pilot, and a priest, who'd just gotten dispensation from his bishop to perform the ceremony.

And Barb said, "OK. I'm in."

The presence of a priest was her precondition.

And how did the priest get authority? Our first marriage was legally terminated, but never annulled...so in the eyes of the church, this was a rededication of vows, with a bit of extra paperwork.

I wasn't big enough for wedlock

and so I hurt a heart I loved.

God and me, we had a deadlock;

He demanded faith be proved.

There was divorce we didn't want;

would our dreams be uncompleted?

I put away my self-pride vaunt

and took medicine that was needed.

Counseling took no tender mercy

upon my selfish, foolish soul;

came God's help, and His courtesy

of making what was broken whole.

What was in her heart I can only guess,

but in the end...she said Yes.

Music from Jo Stafford, with You Belong To Me.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 635 - Bid Me Rise {FMF}

This is now the land of Never;

I've given everything, and more.

God, I call myself Believer

but what on earth is still in store?

Days are aching, hard and weary,

well of strength is long since dry;

can it be that this is merely

the waiting for my time to die?

Far-off, hear the Roman trumpet,

legions' footfall, hear the drums,

I am wrapped in martial comfort

as something mighty this way comes.

They bid me rise, and bid me care,

and will not leave me standing there.

Music from Ottorino Respighi, with the fourth movement of The Pines of Rome, entitled The Appian Way. It's a musical nod to classical Rome, depicting the return of a triumphant legion.

It's conducted by the marvellous Andre Rieu.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 634 - The Cossack Way

I've always like Ilya Repin's painting of the Reply of the Zhaporozhian Cossacks to Sultan Mehmed IV of the Ottoman Empire. (You can read the Cossacks' reply here.)

It's a brawny yet light hearted defiance, and I find it particularly apropos now as the cancer-fight becomes much more personal, and hard. Perhaps the bell for the final round will soon ring, but I'll be on my feet to fight.

That is, after all, the Cossack Way.

In their reply to Sultan Mehmed,

the cossacks were, perhaps, quite blunt.

As Christians, they said, dude, forget it,

we won't bow to a Turkish runt.

I find this a soul-stirring tale,

and I love the ribald answer

from a heart so unashamed-male;

and will speak thus to cancer.

"Go thee, pervert, do thy bidding

and in the doing, show thy heart.

Our swords are drawn, and we'll be ridding

you of your most valued part."

Perhaps I should forgiveness preach

but I just love to hear 'em screech.

Music from William Walton, with Crown Imperial.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.