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Saturday, November 3, 2012

Rednecks In Love

In my heart of hearts (and, my wife would add, in my half of brains) I'm a redneck. Even though I can quote Shakespeare, identify scads of classical music (and know how to use the word scads), and wrote video scripts on Impressionist art...I could still fit effortlessly into the rural south, and I'd never be found again.

Fortunately for me, my bucolic tendencies were somewhat muted when we were dating, and I only tried a few of my Sure-Fire Redneck Dating Strategies on her.

Here's what she missed...mostly.

  1. During a romantic walk on the beach, impress her with your drunken gorilla imitation. (When I met Barb I lived inland)
  2. When making a date, tell her "Don't wear a tight skirt...it's a long first step up into my truck." Women love big trucks.
  3. When picked her up, don't honk. Gun the engine instead. If you're smart the V-8's got headers, and she'll be impressed. Women love the noise of a poorly-muffled big engine.
  4. Wear a ballcap. Women don't like to look at your sweaty hair. Turns 'em off.
  5. When she gets in the truck, make sure she knows that the six-pack's under the seat, but not to give you one...you're driving. Women love responsible men.
  6. Make sure the dogs in the cab with you didn't eat beans that day. Women get turned off by farting dogs. Done't eat beans yourself, either.
  7. Plan your dinner venue with care. The crowds at McDonalds start to thin out at about 7:30.
  8. Women like good table manners. Cut up your McNuggets, and eat them with a knife and fork. Keep your napkin on your lap, not in the front pocket of your jeans.
  9. If you selected a movie, make sure it's in English so she won't have to read you the subtitles. Women don't like to be put to work during a date.
  10. If you go to a concert, bring an extra cigarette lighter for her.
  11. When you're bringing her home, move the dogs over and let her sit next to you. Put your ballcap on her head to show that you like her; she'll be so taken she won't care about your sweaty hair, or the sweaty ballcap, either. Women like romantic gestures.
  12. When you're saying goodnight, and she offers you her hand, show her how cultured you are by kissing it. Don't lean to far forward and put her face in her chest, because then she might hit you, and that makes asking for another date awkward. Women don't like to have to hit their dates.
  13. When you call to ask her out again, and she screams, it means she's happy. Women love polite, sophisticated men.
Yes, all of these things really happened before I met Barbara. And have happened since.

To her! I mean, to her!!!!

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