Your Dying Spouse 395 - Caregiver To The Stars {FMF/#write31days}

Like the title? I thought that might pull you in.

I'm no star, but Barb sure is, because things are getting really bad, and she's picking up the slack, what I can no longer do, without complaint.

Added to the pain of a malignant pancreas is a severe chest pain and deep cough that devolves into fearsomely painful dry heaves...and that can't be good. They're exhausting, and by the time Barb gets home from work I'm pretty well spent.

I can only breathe in short gasps off the top of my lungs. Speaking is really a luxury; a sentence takes awhile to finish.

She's pretty well spent, too, but she pitches in to help feed and exercise the dogs, and then tends to me.

Which can include help in the loo, and does include increasing assistance with bathing and dressing.

She doesn't have to feed me. Yet.

But she does have to put up with my determination to fight to the last. The worse I get, the more inclined I am to just keep going, to invent reasons to stay alive.

This is not heroic, because while I am bearing the pain, she is bearing the sorrow of watching someone she loves suffer abominably, to no good end.

I can invent my own valorous narrative; she is picking up the pieces. It's harder for her.

She has a lot to overcome, a lot that she never shows. (Overcome is the Five Minute Friday prompt.)

I hope that you can see how much I admire this woman, my wife. Her cheerful disposition and lighthearted attitude - "I'm sure you'll feel better tomorrow!" - make the horrendous bearable, and the terrifying little more than a stroll through a Halloween haunted house.

BOO! Gotcha!

And through all this she has to balance heavy supervisorial responsibilities at work...and when I became too ill to stay in the workforce, she had had to re-enter. She's come a long way in a short time. I am so proud of her.

If you've followed our story, you'll know that we were married, divorced, and remarried.

Both times, Barbara said the vow..."for better or for worse...in sickness and in health..."

Clearly, marriage is not for the faint of heart.

But Barbara is not faint of heart. I called my first novel "Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart". Foreshadowing for life? Maybe.

Caregiver to the stars?

She is the star; my North Star, that will guide me home.

Music from Anchor and Braille, Goes Without Saying. Charming song and video; please give it a chance!

My #write31days posts so far are:

October 1 - Worship For Caregivers

October 2 - Talk To A Caregiver

October 3 -  Create A Caregiver Haven

October 4 - A Caregiver's Raw Hope

October 5 - A Caregiver's Trust

October 6 - Caregiving For Our Country

October 7 - Caregiver, Don't Hold Too Tight

October 8 - Caregiver, You Will Find Freedom In Truth

October 9 - A Caregiving Plan?

October 10 - A Caregiver's Listening Heart

October 11 - Caregiving Remembrances?

October 12 - Caregiver, Write It Down!

October 13 - Taking Care Of God

October 14 - Caregiver, Don't Try Too Hard

October 15 - The Caregiver Will Remain

October 16 - Readings For Caregivers

October 17 - Caregiver, Grow A Thick Skin

October 18 - Caregiver, Share Your Heart

October 19 - A Caregiver's Brave

October 20 - A Caregiver So Far From Home

October 21 - Caregiver, Give Hope

October 22 - Caregiver, Bring The Light

October 23 - Caregiver, Sometimes Nothing Works

October 24 - The Caregiver's Life, Revised

October 25 - Why, Caregiver? Just Because

October 26 - Caregiver, Let Change Come

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 394 - Caregiver, Let Change Come {#write31days}

Yesterday your life was normal. There were aches and pain,s and suspicious symptoms.

"It's probably nothing. Still, better get it checked, no?"

And then came the diagnosis, and your world imploded. Your spouse has an illness that's likely terminal, and you're launched down that caregiving road from which you can never retrace your steps.

It feels like you can reach back and touch yesterday...the hopes and dreams of growing into maturity together, of growing old togther, of experiencing the best that life has to offer...together.

And now this.

You want to turn back the clock...somehow.

Don't try.

Let the changes come.

If you accept what each new day brings, however awful it may seem, you're going to learn things...good things...about yourself and your mate that you never knew existed.

The changes will make your life narrower, but if you let them, you will find an increased depth in fortitude and courage and vulnerability and humour and the tears that come in the night, when the ark things gather 'round.

You will hold your husband or wife as you have never held that parson before...and the same will be returned to you.

If you don't spurn the changes, yes, you will lose the life you planned to share.

And you will rediscover the love.

I think we'll turn to the Fab Four, with Here, There and Everywhere. What do you think?

My #write31days posts so far are:

October 1 - Worship For Caregivers

October 2 - Talk To A Caregiver

October 3 -  Create A Caregiver Haven

October 4 - A Caregiver's Raw Hope

October 5 - A Caregiver's Trust

October 6 - Caregiving For Our Country

October 7 - Caregiver, Don't Hold Too Tight

October 8 - Caregiver, You Will Find Freedom In Truth

October 9 - A Caregiving Plan?

October 10 - A Caregiver's Listening Heart

October 11 - Caregiving Remembrances?

October 12 - Caregiver, Write It Down!

October 13 - Taking Care Of God

October 14 - Caregiver, Don't Try Too Hard

October 15 - The Caregiver Will Remain

October 16 - Readings For Caregivers

October 17 - Caregiver, Grow A Thick Skin

October 18 - Caregiver, Share Your Heart

October 19 - A Caregiver's Brave

October 20 - A Caregiver So Far From Home

October 21 - Caregiver, Give Hope

October 22 - Caregiver, Bring The Light

October 23 - Caregiver, Sometimes Nothing Works

October 24 - The Caregiver's Life, Revised

October 25 - Why, Caregiver? Just Because

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 393 - Why, Caregiver? Just Because {#write31days}

When someone you love is suffering, it's impossible not to ask Why.

If you're a Christian, you may believe it's God's Will, for a purpose only He can, at this moment, see...or, like me, you may feel that it's the result of a fallen world in which illness, like us, has a form of free will and can attack where it pleases.

If you're a Hindu or Buddhist, you may consider it karma, for bad actions taken in this life, or a previous life.

If you're an atheist or agnostic, I would assume you see fatal illness as blind chance, with lifestyle choices being a possible contributor.

But we really can't know. The religious take it on faith, the nonbelievers on assumption.

But the best answer for Why, in this life, the most practical answer...is the child's answer.

Just because.

It happened because it happened, and no amount of speculation will provide the true cause. We can look back and see a purpose (I certainly see purpose in my illness), but it's important not to confuse our view with God's. They may correlate, but that's at His pleasure, not our own.

So meanwhile...just because, and let it go.

And enjoy the days you have together.

Very appropriate music from the late, great John Denver, with Looking For Space.

My #write31days posts so far are:

October 1 - Worship For Caregivers

October 2 - Talk To A Caregiver

October 3 -  Create A Caregiver Haven

October 4 - A Caregiver's Raw Hope

October 5 - A Caregiver's Trust

October 6 - Caregiving For Our Country

October 7 - Caregiver, Don't Hold Too Tight

October 8 - Caregiver, You Will Find Freedom In Truth

October 9 - A Caregiving Plan?

October 10 - A Caregiver's Listening Heart
October 11 - Caregiving Remembrances?
October 12 - Caregiver, Write It Down!
October 13 - Taking Care Of God
October 14 - Caregiver, Don't Try Too Hard
October 15 - The Caregiver Will Remain
October 16 - Readings For Caregivers
October 17 - Caregiver, Grow A Thick Skin
October 18 - Caregiver, Share Your Heart
October 19 - A Caregiver's Brave
October 20 - A Caregiver So Far From Home
October 21 - Caregiver, Give Hope
October 22 - Caregiver, Bring The Light
October 23 - Caregiver, Sometimes Nothing Works
October 24 - The Caregiver's Life, Revised

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 392 - The Caregiver's Life, Revised {#write31days}

You will never be the same again.

ear caregiver, the journey you're on with your dying husband or wife will be a crucible for you. It will burn away the fat of frivolity, and the excrescence of excess.

Your will be forged into something you would not, today, recognize.

And the experience will sear your soul.

You'll be reduced to matters of blood and bone, guarded hope and abysmal despair, and your psychic nerves will be seared.

Those who found you warm and comfortable will feel a chill in your presence, and you will laugh less.

But you'll smile, inwardly, more.

You'll smile at the small blessings of the day; the robin singing on his branch, the glow of moonrise, the fragment of song from a neighbour's radio.

You'll smile at the jokes your spouse may offer, through the pain. Even when they're terrible.

Q: What kind of car would Jesus drive?

A: A chrysler.

Geddit?

You will be given a treasure in a currency you can only rarely spend, but these riches, bought with your pain and tears...

...these riches belie the old saying, "You can't take it with you."

These riches, you can, for such is the Treasury of Heaven.

Music today from Enya, with Anywhere Is.

My #write31days posts so far are:

October 1 - Worship For Caregivers

October 2 - Talk To A Caregiver

October 3 -  Create A Caregiver Haven

October 4 - A Caregiver's Raw Hope

October 5 - A Caregiver's Trust

October 6 - Caregiving For Our Country

October 7 - Caregiver, Don't Hold Too Tight

October 8 - Caregiver, You Will Find Freedom In Truth

October 9 - A Caregiving Plan?

October 10 - A Caregiver's Listening Heart
October 11 - Caregiving Remembrances?
October 12 - Caregiver, Write It Down!
October 13 - Taking Care Of God
October 14 - Caregiver, Don't Try Too Hard
October 15 - The Caregiver Will Remain
October 16 - Readings For Caregivers
October 17 - Caregiver, Grow A Thick Skin
October 18 - Caregiver, Share Your Heart
October 19 - A Caregiver's Brave
October 20 - A Caregiver So Far From Home
October 21 - Caregiver, Give Hope
October 22 - Caregiver, Bring The Light
October 23 - Caregiver, Sometimes Nothing Works

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 391 - Caregiver, Sometimes Nothing Works {#write31days}

You do your very, very best. You're kind and gentle, you look things up to try to understand your spouse's illness, you follow all of the directions the medical care team gives you...

...you pray.

And things get worse.

And you wonder if it's something you did, or didn't do.

And you wonder if you have enough faith for your prayers to be heard.

Please know this...it isn't you.

None of it. Illness happens, and getting worse happens. The care you give, the support you offer, are actually making things better, even if it seems like you're having no effect.

You see, you're working with one 'test subject'; there is no 'control group' for this process.

You see 'worse', and you think maybe it's you...but what you don't and can't see is how much worse it would have been if you hadn't been there, doing your best.

Rest easy, dear caregiver.

You're giving all you've got...

...and it's enough.

How about some music from the late, great Tom Petty, with Freefallin' ?

My #write31days posts so far are:

October 1 - Worship For Caregivers

October 2 - Talk To A Caregiver

October 3 -  Create A Caregiver Haven

October 4 - A Caregiver's Raw Hope

October 5 - A Caregiver's Trust

October 6 - Caregiving For Our Country

October 7 - Caregiver, Don't Hold Too Tight

October 8 - Caregiver, You Will Find Freedom In Truth

October 9 - A Caregiving Plan?

October 10 - A Caregiver's Listening Heart
October 11 - Caregiving Remembrances?
October 12 - Caregiver, Write It Down!
October 13 - Taking Care Of God
October 14 - Caregiver, Don't Try Too Hard
October 15 - The Caregiver Will Remain
October 16 - Readings For Caregivers
October 17 - Caregiver, Grow A Thick Skin
October 18 - Caregiver, Share Your Heart
October 19 - A Caregiver's Brave
October 20 - A Caregiver So Far From Home
October 21 - Caregiver, Give Hope
October 22 - Caregiver, Bring The Light

I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.