For most of my life, and certainly through the cancer journey, I thought faith, like hope and joy and love, was a choice, something that I affirmed every day through active thought and action.
But, well, NO. The past few days have been a catalogue of horrors, pain arcing into despair, more hard lumps in the chest and abdomen, and sometimes it's too tiring to sit up, much less pursue anything beyond the minimum.
And I got mad at God. I mean, enough is enough!
He didn't get mad at me; instead, He turned the anger into a mirror, so that I could see His own heart within me, His own tears in my eyes.
I tried to push Him away.
And He just held on tighter.
Cancer's taking my mobility,
and aims to steal my voice;
it's counting coup for victory,
but faith is not a choice.
I once thought I could decide,
yay or nay on God's place here,
but on seeing this, He's pushed aside
my will, and made His clear.
"You WILL believe what you observe,
the wonders I shall work in you;
it's not about what you deserve,
but My deep love for you."
The wall I'd built for my pride's sake
was one that only He could break.
Music from The Grass Roots, with Glory Bound.
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to know that His love carries us to the very edge of death brings me such hope and comfort, Andrew... your life has been meaningful and important. Please don't forget that during all of Satan's weasely-assed 'grandstanding. You are going to be laughing in his face. Soon. Thumb your nose at him for me, wouldya? (Still praying, my friend.)
ReplyDeleteJane, thank you so much for these lovely affirming words, and the forthright defiance of the evil one! I love how you've phrased this.
DeleteThank you so much for your prayers, and know you are in ours.
I'm raising a hallelujah with you in the presence of our enemy, in the middle of the storm...louder and louder you're gonna hear my praises soar. Up from the ashes, hope will arise,
ReplyDeleteDeath is defeated, the King is alive! xo Sus'
Susan, I hear you! Thank you so much!
DeleteXOXO back at you!
Andrew, I have stood amazed at how God has brought your life meaning through this journey. You have blessed so many of us, me included. I am so grateful our God holds us all the tighter when we think we cannot hold on any longer. Perhaps it is because we were never holding on at all. It has been Him holding us all along. May you know with assurance that you are loved and being prayed for today!
ReplyDeleteJoanne, I'm so encouraged and uplifted by your lovely, affirming words.
DeleteI do feel the prayers. They mean so very much.
I'm so grateful that God holds onto us even when we struggle to hold on to him! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteLesley, me too, and thank you so much for your prayers!
DeleteAmazing tribute to God's truthfulness to and in you. This is powerful stuff! You've been refined, my brother. You've grown sweeter, deeper, more free, my friend. Always, still praying. Live on the bright side, somehow. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteMy dear Norma...thank you so much for this! I'm truly grateful for the process, and if the pain is the price, it was worth paying.
DeleteI'll stay on the bright side, with Christ.
Blessings back!
Andrew, this is so encouraging. God doesn't force himself on us, but if we've ever had that open line of communication with him, he is NOT going to be the one to close the door. I'm praying at this moment for all the hurting parents whose children have turned their backs on God. May this reminder that God wants to break our pride--even when we're at the end of our lives--so we can feel his love and presence bring comfort to each of us. Thank you for sharing the insight God blessed you with this week, friend. Prayers lifted for you and Barb...
ReplyDeleteSusan, I'll join you in that prayer for the kids who have fallen from the faith. It's so wonderful, though, how He is ever-ready to welcome us back, no matter how far we've strayed, and the only price we have to pay is to put down the weight of pride.
DeleteWe thank you so much for your prayers!
God's greatest, most miraculous feat is to be able to hold a mirror up to our soul so that we can see His love inside of each one of us. Praying for you, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteLaurie, thank you so much for being here, and most especially for your prayers.
DeleteWow! You are amazing and inspiring. Obviously you're still here for a reason.
ReplyDeleteJan, thank you so much for this...you just made my day.
Delete(((((Andrew)))))
ReplyDelete(((((Barbara)))))
Annie in Texas
((((((Annie!))))))
DeleteWe're so blessed by your being here!
Well, I'm glad God is pushing aside your steely resolve to bring you the comfort and understanding you need right now, Andrew! Prayers being offered for you, my friend! Your determination is amazing!
ReplyDeleteBeth, yeah, He's doing just that!
DeleteThank you so much for your prayers, and for being here.