Survive the next hour, until I've run out of hours. Do what's needed, and every moment's thought or action is bent on survival...what I write, what I read, what I watch, what I eat, how I think, what I say.
There's no room for sorrow or existential angst; pain has made living an end in itself. (And yes, it's probably made me a bore to be around!)
It's different for Barbara, and that's the most distressing part of this gig. She has to take it, her worry, her sorrow, her pity...and there's just not much she can do.
She would take away the tumours if she could, but that's in God's hands, not hers.
She knows that the only palliative care would be drugs I won't touch (been there!) at a cost we can't afford. And she feels helpless.
And she knows that one day she'll have to go on without me, for even legends have to die.
I do what I can, in encouraging her to develop frindships and a church community and a rhythm of life that will be sustaining when I'm gone.
I hope it will help.
I wish you did not have to see
the toll that cancer's taking;
it's much harder, than for me;
and I see your heart is breaking.
My goal is to remain alive,
and I have a privileged focus,
but how, my dear, can you thrive
in your helpless weeping locus?
You want to help, but can't repair
what God has for us ordained;
all left to you is bleak despair;
will this ever be explained?
God's my rock, to see me through,
but can He, will He, comfort you?
Music from the Bee Gees (one of Barb's avourite bands) with the ironically fitting Stain' Alive.
Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.
Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.