Survive the next hour, until I've run out of hours. Do what's needed, and every moment's thought or action is bent on survival...what I write, what I read, what I watch, what I eat, how I think, what I say.
There's no room for sorrow or existential angst; pain has made living an end in itself. (And yes, it's probably made me a bore to be around!)
It's different for Barbara, and that's the most distressing part of this gig. She has to take it, her worry, her sorrow, her pity...and there's just not much she can do.
She would take away the tumours if she could, but that's in God's hands, not hers.
She knows that the only palliative care would be drugs I won't touch (been there!) at a cost we can't afford. And she feels helpless.
And she knows that one day she'll have to go on without me, for even legends have to die.
I do what I can, in encouraging her to develop frindships and a church community and a rhythm of life that will be sustaining when I'm gone.
I hope it will help.
I wish you did not have to see
the toll that cancer's taking;
it's much harder, than for me;
and I see your heart is breaking.
My goal is to remain alive,
and I have a privileged focus,
but how, my dear, can you thrive
in your helpless weeping locus?
You want to help, but can't repair
what God has for us ordained;
all left to you is bleak despair;
will this ever be explained?
God's my rock, to see me through,
but can He, will He, comfort you?
Music from the Bee Gees (one of Barb's avourite bands) with the ironically fitting Stain' Alive.
Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.
Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.
Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
it is hard, very hard for the surviving spouse to watch and see and the knowing.
ReplyDeleteIt is indeed, Annette. And there's so little one can do to help!
DeleteAndrew, your love and concern for Barbara is precious. You both have been a inspiration and blessing to me and to so many others. I will pray for you both asking God to wrap His arms around you and give you peace. Love and hugs to you both!
ReplyDeleteGayl, gosh...we're just so honoured, and so grateful for your prayers.
DeleteAnd the picture-poem you sent is lovely!
Oh such precious words of love. I'm sure even your words are a comfort and a help to Barbara. You both are in my prayers so much tonight!
ReplyDeleteBettie, I truly hope they are a help. Thank you so much for your prayers, and know that you are in ours.
DeleteDear Andrew, Most comments are addressed to YOU, but I am guessing that most of us pray for BOTH you AND your dear Barb! So strange...having never met you two, I will also never forget you. With love & prayers tonight,
ReplyDeleteKathryn in SC
Kathryn, we'll never forget you either. Your uplifting support here has made more of a difference to us than you can know.
DeleteWhen I see Jesus, I'll tll Him about you, and He'll be seriously impressed.
Thank you so much for the prayers, and love back from both of us!
Amen to all the above. And yes, to love is to suffer. Thank you for once again showing us how to love through the dying, a path which we all must follow until we gather by the river that runs by the throne of God. I’m not sure that God has ordained this path for you, given our fallen and cancerous world, but you will be redeemed through it all—for you have been a light in the darkness to many. I feel honored to read these lines as long as you are able to compose them. Blessings, hour by hour.
ReplyDeleteChristine, thank you for this! At first, I thought that God had indeed not 'willed' this on me...but now I can see that if He did, it has been the highest honour He could give.
DeleteI still love Him, still trust Him, and will witness for Him to the end.
What comes around goes around, God; you have my back in this, and I have Yours.
Blessings back!
Jesus will take care of Barbara and her heart, as sure as he's taken care of you and yours. He's faithful that way. And our prayers are beating down heaven's door for both of you.
ReplyDeleteJane, YES! I trust Him to do that, and I know Barb will be in safe hands.
DeleteWe thank you so much for your prayers, and know that you are in ours.
Oh yes, yes. God will continue to comfort and care for your dear Barbara. He promises He won't leave her, won't forsake her ...
ReplyDeleteLinda, I believe that, with all my heart.
DeleteThank you so much for being here!
Hey friend. B and I had a heart to heart on the ride from your place to the Love's Truck Stop, one night in November. She'll be okay - not great - but okay. She has people and I count myself one of them. xo
ReplyDeleteSusan, thank you so much for this...it is SO GOOD to know!
DeleteWe're blessed to have you guys. XOXOXO
I think about your wife often, when my heart moves to randomly pray for you. To be honest, she is living one of my biggest fears. If the heavens came down and told me I had to pick a position, I would be pick the dying person every single time. I don't mean that to sound callus, but it's true. The idea of being the one watching the dying, and then alone after that seems impossible.
ReplyDeleteBut it isn't.
And I know that.
When I think of one, my heart races and my breath become difficult to capture. Then, God whispers the "it isn't..." and slowly my body regulates.
There is so much courage in your space, and in hers. I have so much love and such a heart for the two of you, though we've never met...
Your empathy for her space is beautiful.
Misty, thank you for these honest, vulnerable and forthright words!
DeleteGoing on will be so hard...and it's by far the harder part.
But she won't be alone. There's a Love that will hold her when I can't.
Thank you so much for being here!
So often we forget to pray for our caregivers - and loved ones. Praying for both of you today!
ReplyDeleteJennifer, thank you so much...prayers are needed, and their impact, every day, if felt.
Delete"Little children, come dance with me." A Trappist monk heard those words in a song when he was walking and praying one day. His heart responded. Tears flowed. For years he could not think of it or speak of it without tears forming, so precious the words to him. "Little children, come dance with me." The imagery delights: light, loving, joyous. Let's let their lightness uplift. GBU
ReplyDeleteMy dear Norma, reading this, tears came to my eyes. Joy, and light, and an overwhelming relief.
DeleteThank you so much for this!
Praying for both of you. Having lost my Mom (8 years ago) and my Dad (2 years ago) to cancers that caused them to waste away, I feel for your wife.
ReplyDeleteIt was extremely tough with my Dad's liver cancer because often the toxins would build up and cloud his thinking so much he would accuse me of making him sick since I was the one stopping by to care for him. Honestly though, God and time has washed away the bad stuff and all I remember is the love he had for our family. My God give you peace and your wife rest and comfort.
Steven, I am so grateful for your sharing of such difficult passages. I can't imagine how difficult this must have been, and how much of a grace it is for the bad to have been washed away.
DeleteWe're both so thankful for your prayers, and for your being here.
You're still here. And still writing. Stayin' alive in life. Grace to you and your Barbara. May God draw you closer to Himself.
ReplyDeleteVicki, you just gave me a big smile, joy and gratitude mixed!
DeleteBecause He lives, we can face tomorrow... Barb is obviously a strong woman, and your loving honesty in having the hard conversations will make her even stronger when she's alone. Praying for you both again tonight.
ReplyDeleteSusan, thank you or this. The hard conversation can be really tough, but in the end they are three-way conversations, with God's arms around our shoulders.
DeleteThank you omuch for your prayers!
That poem is so real and vulnerable my friend. Praying for you both!
ReplyDeleteTara, thank you so much for these kind words, and most especially for your prayers.
DeleteI won't pretend to know how or what Barabara thinks about what's going on with you, but maybe you can take something I told Jerry a while back to heart and sort of get a little comfort from it.....
ReplyDeleteHe was upset that I always have to see him at his worst... that there is never what others might call a "good day." He always has to struggle – mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. He said, even though He has Jesus, it's still difficult to know that I'm the one who has to watch him go through each day like that. I told him, that by watching and knowing what he is going through, equips me to know how to pray for him, to know what problem(s) I need to focus on for him that day or that hour. I don't believe we are randomly thrown into our roles as caregivers or the one being cared for... God has purpose in all of this. Some people never learn what that purpose is... but God knows. Barbara gets her strength from God to face the now AND the future. He WILL see her through this... and your loving words to her will always remain.
Blessings and loads of prayers from us for both of you!
Diana, that is a beautiful encouragement for Andrew! Grace and peace in Him for you today~~~Kathryn
DeleteDiana, thank you so uch for sharing this...it is a big comfort to both of us, hearing your thoughts here.
DeleteI, too, no longer have 'good' days, and hate for Barb to see me this way. The affirmation and clarity you've given us is so treasured!
And Kathryn, thank you so much for adding these grace-filled words!
(((((Andrew)))))
ReplyDelete(((((Barbara)))))
Annie in Texas
((((((Annie!))))))
DeleteHugs and love from both of us.
Love and prayers to you both! I can't imagine how difficult this journey has been for both of you, but thank you for allowing us to walk it with you. Praying that you both know God's comfort and peace.
ReplyDeleteLesley, it's been very hard, but having Godly friends like you walking it with us has been a lamp unto our feet, and a lightening of the burden.
DeleteYou've helped carry our Cross, and we are so very grateful.
Thank you so much for your prayers!
Andrew and Barbara,
ReplyDeleteThank you for inviting us into your love story. I can only offer prayers of encouragement to you both today.