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Thursday, September 14, 2017

Your Dying Spouse 362 - A Letter To Death {FMF}

Dear Death,

I tried to see this differently. To everything there is a season...going home...the natural order of things...a kind of Heaven Can Wait scenario (without the "oops, we took the wrong dude!"...have you seen that delightful film?).

But you pushed too hard this week, and your mask slipped.
'
You're feeling that you're all that. You've brought the unremitting chest pain, and the uncontrollable bowels, the new lymphoma symptoms, and the impossibility of sleep.

You've delivered the blood in the urine and the hard breaths, every time, and the agony that every movement brings, that rising to my feet is like getting off the mat after a hard right from Iron Mike Tyson. (Wait one...do I still have both ears?)

This has taken me four days to write. Why not go easy on myself, and let it go?

You're telling me that it's ok to give up.

You think you have the support from the loved ones and friends who can't bear to see this go on.

You think you have all the cards.

But a Smith and Wesson beats four aces. I am well-trained to survive, but missed the lesson on how to surrender. My bad.

You think it's over now. You're wrong.

My people want to see me free of pain, yes. But they will support me to the hilt. They will pick me up when I fall, and use rigging tape to strap my weapons to my hands.

I'm not going gently into that good night. This is where the war begins, and you will regret trying me.

I will pile the wreckage so high that you will fear my very name, and you will cry out for mercy to the God that defeated you before.

You picked on the wrong dude, and now I am coming for you.

I do not fear you, Death. Not anymore. But you had better fear me. You lost in Round One, with the Big Fella. Round Two, now we're getting serious.

Don't bother running. You'll only (haha!) die tired.

Yours truly,

Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

You should know that in its original form, the body of the letter contained but two words, and the second one was you. But hey, I'm feeling chatty.

I can't even pretend to try to hew to the Five Minute Friday guidelines now. I'm sorry. But The Word is there. It's support.

For the video clip, Barb says that this is me. Not something I can judge, but here it is, her call.


As for a musical theme, how about Flatfoot 56 with some high-energy and high-fun Christian Celtic rock? This, I know is me!





I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).



I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.



Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.






70 comments:

  1. What an inspiration you are, Andrew! May God give strength as you continue to fight. And may he give you peace and comfort and sweet time with Barb. {{HUGS}}

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    1. Gayl, thank you so much...this means the world to us. Hugs back!

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  2. Andrew,
    yes! We will gladly strap the weapons to your hands. :D
    The mighty prayers of your friends are vigilant right now. I hope you feel all our support.
    Love,
    Tammy

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    1. Tammy, I do feel the support. I would be lost without the prayers of my loving friends.

      Love back, from all of us.

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  3. Andrew, this post made me smile. You are loved. You are supported—in words, prayers, and thoughts. And yes, to what Tammy said. We'll strap the weapons on your hands.

    Praying tonight, my friend!

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    1. Jeanne, thank you so very much...the support I have received is the largest factor in my survival.

      And thank you so much for the prayers.

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  4. Wow! This is a letter that is passionately and truthfully written. You are incredible brother! And indeed we won't let you go silently into the night. I'm in the 6 Spot this week.

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    1. Tara, it does come from the heart, and the support is sure appreciated...and needed. I'd be lost without it.

      Loved your post!

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  5. I appreciate you, Andrew. And Barb. Love and prayers.

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    1. Paula, we appreciate you, and your willingness to walk with us on this road. We need you, more than we can say.

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  6. Andrew, I'm mad. Mad at illness and too-soon-gone. I want to meet you in real life and tell you what an impact you have on me. Tell you I support you in your struggle. Tell you I wake up at 2 a.m. with whisper prayers, Andrew, Lord.

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    1. Susan, I feel the support, I feel the prayers, and I am determined to stay long enough to meet you in person.

      However ugly the fight, I want to lock eyes with you in this life, and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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  7. Andrew, no words to express all I have felt as I read your powerful post. Friend, all I can do is pray. Know that you and Barb are supported by more prayers from more people than you probably could ever know. May our Lord continue to be with you both!

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    1. Joanne, your prayers are so important to us; Tennyson wrote that by prayer, the whole world is bound 'round the feet of God with golden chains, and I love this image.

      Thank you so much for being here!

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  8. Supporting you, praying for you and Barbara, yes yes, Andrew.

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    1. Linda, thank you so much. It's been an interesting few days; a rattlesnake bite, and chest pain like the proverbial elephant parking his bum on my chest.

      Still here, though.

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  9. Praying for you, dear friend! Death has no sting because the Big Fella won round one (and al future rounds!)

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    1. Anita, you're so right! The Big Fella's win set the outcome of the fight card.

      So glad you're here!

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  10. Andrew, I feel like I say the same thing over and over but thank you for bringing us along on this journey. For trusting us to support you.

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    1. Annie, the best stories are the ones we want to hear over and over again...and the best-loved comments are like that, too.

      Seeing you here always makes my day brighter.

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  11. "I am well-trained to survive, but missed the lesson on how to surrender."

    Andrew, prayers continue for you as death circles in wait. Your words cause me to wonder how many times I miss the lesson on how to surrender; perhaps not to death, but to God's will. May we both learn this lesson: There is no fear in surrendering to the One who holds our future and loves us beyond anything we can possibly imagine. May today be as comfortable for you as earthly possible — and "tomorrow" be spectacular!

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    1. Susan, you're so right...surrender to God's will is vital, and it's a hard lesson to learn, because we're giving up the illusion of control.

      But once we do...yes, tomorrow will be spectacular!

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  12. Andrew, you're right. We long to see you free of pain but also don't want you to go, and we will support you to the hilt as you keep fighting! I loved the little touches of humour in your letter too.

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    1. Lesley, thank you so much! I don't want to go, either.

      Love is the glue that keeps me here.

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  13. Praying that you keep fighting and cheating death to the very end, Andrew! Prayers for you and your sweet wife Barbara. This must be so hard on her as well.

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    1. Beth, no worries. I will fight on.

      It is terribly hard on The B; could you please pray for her?

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  14. For He must reign till He has put all enemies under His feet. The last enemy that will be destroyed is death.
    1 Corinthians 15:25-26

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  15. I find myself stymied on how to respond,I repeat myself, again and again. Please forgive more of the same. Still praying.
    You're amazing. GBU.

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    1. Norma, my dear friend, more of the same is exactly what's needed. Thank you so much for the loving thoughts, and the prayers!

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  16. "I am well-trained to survive, but missed the lesson on how to surrender. My bad."

    In the midst of it all, you make me smile. So much love and so many prayers for you and Barb.

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    1. Sandy, thank you so much; and we truly appreciate 9and need) your prayers.

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  17. Dude. No words for this one. You're awesome. I love you. - Marie (mlsgregg.com)

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    1. Marie, takes an awesome to know one and I love you right back!

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  18. I love your fight, Andrew! "You think it's over now. You're wrong." Only God, to Whom you belong, gets to say, "Welcome home, son!" And only atHis bidding.
    Thank you for sharing your heart so he!

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    1. Lisa, I love this. Only God gets to say when it's over. Perfect!

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  19. I read your words and I want to shout the words "Yes, right on!" and "Amen" but my son is asleep on the couch beside me, so I better not startle him. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. I am praying for you and Barb. -Jolene

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    1. Jolene, a silent shout is way cool. We have no kids but a LOT of dogs,and when they're all finally asleep, we don't even whisper.

      Thank you so much for being here, and most especially for your prayers.

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  20. Just know you are in my prayers. Rest well. FMF #60 this week.

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  21. Perfectly amazing, this writing. Never surrender!! Only onto God, who has already won the battle for you. So very blessed by your fight. Thank you. Visiting from FMF #58

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    1. Kelly, thank you so much for this (and please pardon my delayed reply). God has indeed already won the battle.

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  22. Dear Andrew! You make me smile. You make me want to make to be better. You make me want to win. You make me want to shout out loud, despite circumstances around me, "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."

    Thanks for being YOU! We love you!

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    1. Shauna, your words honour me more than I can say. Thank you so much!

      Love you right back!

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  23. What Shauna said. This is so very moving.

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    1. Amber, I am so in awe of the work you and your husband do...and am so very honoured by your words!

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  24. Powerful words which reveals a powerful man. It makes me think of that Bible verse - the last enemy to be defeated is death. (I'm totally paraphrasing and I can't tell you where it is.) Death will not defeat you, friend. I'm grateful for you.

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    1. Leah, thank you so much! I know the verse you mean, and can't tell you where it's from either...but it sure is right, and WAY cool.

      Thank you so much for being here!

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  25. I went here reading your letter. John Wayne. True Grit. That's all I got.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-cPWheNyaA

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  26. Written as a true warrior. In the very short time I've known you I have seen a testimony shine from every word you write. No, you're not perfect, but you are redeemed. Hold your ground. Stand fast. Raise God's banner high! God bless!

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    1. Vicki, your words...they honour me so! And they give me a standard to which I call myself to live.

      Thank you!

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  27. Thanks for this, Andrew. Death won't have the last word, for any of us. God, and Love, is more powerful.

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    1. Jeannie, you're so right. God has the last laugh!

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  28. How wonderful a letter Andrew! And what support for others (like me) who give up far too easily on things so much more menial. Like writing this week on this word that personally sections me like lattice on the inside. I have tried several times to write and...well, nothing yet. So much for five minutes. I have been lax in fmf but have been full in prayer for you. You are not neglected. Remember death has no front row seat. It has to wait its turn. And when it does get its chance it is only to lose anyway. Its game ended before it ever began. Jesus has conquered it. God bless you and Barbara and the dogs. I hope and pray that Barbara knows and feels the love of God surrounding her at this time. What is harder, to know you are leaving or to know you are staying? Hugs to you both.

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    1. Mary, I sure appreciate the prayers. Not getting to FMF is a small thing; but being in prayer for those you love is HUGE, and I am so grateful! (And I will be looking forward to the wisdom of your words, when you post.)

      Love the way you put this, that death doesn't have a front-row seat.perfect!

      Hugs back!

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  29. Andrew, you and Barb have our prayers. i love the letter written to death! but it reminds me of the need to continue to pray for both of you during these days of pain and discomfort. blessings brother.

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    1. Martha, thank you so much. We do appreciate - and need - the prayers.

      Blessings back!

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  30. Andrew, you have shown us that you are one of God's most powerful warriors! I cannot imagine any darkness taking over and forcing you to surrender... your letter proves there is so much fight left in you. We gladly help you strap on those weapons!

    I have a feeling you will have an important position in God's Mighty Army.

    Love and blessings and a multitude of prayers for you and Barb and the doggies!

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    1. Diana, I am so grateful for these words, this affirmation. Thank you!

      And all of us really appreciate the prayers. The past few days have been unspeakably hard (as i this evening, as I write this).

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  31. This prompt is perfect for you. There are so many people coming around you and supporting you. I hope you feel that despite the distance.

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    1. Katha, I do feel the support. It's what keeps me alive far past the day when the doctors said I must die.

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  32. To all who have graciously taken time to comment - I will reply individually but ask your patience. have been having severe chest pain, and was bitten by a rattlesnake on Saturday.

    Barb said my life is something akin to that of a chrash-test dummy. I can believe it.

    Much love to all -

    Andrew

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    1. What?! A rattlesnake?!! Oh my goodness Andrew!! Praying even now.
      Love,
      Tammy

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    2. Oh my! Prayers going up about the rattler bite and chest pain!

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    3. Tammy and Diana, yeah, it was kind of bad...and thank you so much for the prayers. (PS - the rattlesnake got away, and I am kind of glad.)

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  33. OH man, bitten by a rattlesnake? That's insane! Love the letter (and the hinted at first draft as well!) funny how those two words can summarise so much ;)

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    1. Emma, those two unspoken words can indeed hold a lot of meaning.

      And being bitten by a rattler was just..."SERIOUSLY???"

      But I survived, and he (or she) survived, so I guess honours are even, yes?

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  34. Just discovered you in the FMF linkup. I am lifting up you and your wife are in my prayers today!

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    1. Gay, thank you so much. We truly appreciate - and really need - the prayers.

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