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Thursday, May 30, 2019

Your Dying Spouse 626 - Why, God? Why? {FMF}

First, the wonderful news...Alex Trebek's Stage IV pancreatic cancer is responding to treatment, with tumours now reduced to half their previous size! You can read about it here, and note his (and his doctors') nod to the power of prayer.

As for things in this part of the world, well, not so great. Pain's relentless, it's hard to keep food down, the tumours that I can see in the mirror are growing, and the one in my neck really hurts...I suppose that last one's poetic justice, for all the times I've been called a pain in the neck. And other places.

But I still hold on to hope, even though scant hope remains. 'Holding onto tomorrow' seems a bit shaky now, so I'll say I'm holding onto the next hour or so.

This does beg the question, though...why hold on at all? Having no medical help (even if insurance were affordable, the deductible isn't, and I won't saddle Barb with medical bills for palliative care), what's the point in fighting what I know is a losing battle, at a level of pain and fatigue that I am not ashamed to say are horrendous? (As in, movement frequently has me crying out, and that does not come easily from me.)

It's not like some extreme sports game show, where you get attantion and a ton of money for enduring weird challenges. The only prize here is doing it all again tomorrow, and knowing that tomorrow will be worse.

To what purpose?

Precisely. I believe that there is a purpose to this, that it is part of God's plan. I can't see it, and I don't know what part I may be playing, but I choose to believe that there IS a reason for the ordeal.

And I'll play my part. God will remember my name. (Name is the Five Minute Friday prompt this week.)

I don't know why it's happening, Lord,
could you tell me what I've done?
Why did You feel I could afford
this fate of dying young?
Was my sin so wholly egregious
that pain, unrelieved, is remedy?
Is my presence perhaps so tedious
that the world is best rid of me?
Or is it maybe something else,
Your Heart in hope enshrined
in the peal of Heaven's golden bells
to which I am deaf and blind?
Though it's behind a veil I can't see through,
I'll believe Your purpose, for I believe in You.

Here's Mr. Mister, with Kyrie Eleison



Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

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22 comments:

  1. Your companions are faith, hope, and love. Your humor still comes through...excellent. And peace? Peace in the storm. You know about that. Still praying. Still smiling. Still caring. (Praying blessings ��)

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    1. My dear Norma, thank you so very, very much for this. Your words, and your friendship, are treasures.

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  2. If only you could saddle Barb with tons of money from enduring weird and amazing pain.

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    1. Katherine, I sure wish that were possible!

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  3. Isaiah 49.16 "SEE! He has written my name in the palm of His hand!" I have Isaiah 49.16 inked permanently (a tattoo) on my upper left shoulder to remind me I am secure in His hand. You are too because you told me you are! xo

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    1. Susan, YES! No matter what happens...secure in His Mighty hand.

      XOXOXO!

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  4. Andrew, it is so difficult to comprehend the purpose of pain and yet, we know He uses all things in our lives. Friend, you continue to remind us to stay focused on Him and make the most of each day and for that I am grateful. Praying for you and Barb this morning!

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    1. Joanne, thank you for these wonderful upliting and affirming words, and most especially for your prayers.

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  5. Yes... Yes God WILL remember your name. It is etched on his heart, and you and Barb are both in the palm of his faithful hand. Only He knows the why's and the how's, but rest assured, He does NOTHING without reason.

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    1. Misty, I think that is the key...that nothing happens without His knowledge, and without His purpose. It's awfully reassuring!

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  6. I simply do not know what to say -- I hate platitudes and have no answers for the questions you pose here. So I'm simply going to do what I would do if I were sitting right beside you. I'm going to sit quietly with your post on my screen. I'm just going to sit with you and pray with you, my friend. And I'm committing to doing that every morning and evening.

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    1. Patti, just sitting with me, and praying with me...that is the most important thing.

      Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

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  7. It's so hard to see a purpose in these things but yes, God knows your name. Praying you know him with you today!

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    1. Lesley, He definitely IS here. Things are worse than ever, but my spirit is soaring.

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  8. "Though it's behind a veil I can't see through,
    I'll believe Your purpose, for I believe in You."
    Amen! Love and hugs to you all, dear Andrew, Barb and doggies. Praying for you now.

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    1. Gayl, thank you so much! Love and hugs back from all of us, and special thanks for your prayers.

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  9. It's natural to wonder and ask God these thorny questions that often lead to only scratching our heads and trusting Him in and through the pain, Andrew. I'm glad that's where your search leads you, but totally understand if it makes you mad as hell! Lol! Praying for you, my friend! Just wish God would give you a good day or two here and there.

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    1. Beth, you gave me a smile...it does sometimes leave me mad as hell! And barbara, even more so.

      Thank you so much for the prayers...and, really all days are in balance good, even if they hurt more than I can scream, because God's going through this with me.

      I'm not alone.

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  10. Dear Andrew,
    Am so sorry...but you are so full of life. Your body can find a way.
    Humour béats the tumor, Imloved the ‘pain in the neck’ pun.
    How about visiting my February post on Heal (the 22nd, I think or earlier, #28days daily word prompt). You may not be convinced but it can’t hurt to try....
    Keep in touch. I love your music and film extracts. Beauty helps the médecine go down...
    Will be posting my FMF for this week shortly.
    Take care. Love Susan Baury Rouchard.

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    1. Susan, thank you so much for this, and I LOVE 'humour beats the tunour'!

      I'll look for your 'Heal' post; thank you for this!

      Love back!

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  11. As our friend Susan says, hope changes things! Continually praying for you friend. I got a little bit behind so catching up.

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    1. Tara, I'm so delighted to see you...and thank you so much for the prayers.

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