I started off writing this journey with a lot of chest-beating defiance, and while it was necessary at the time (and undoubtedly helped me to outlive the prognposis by many years), it kinda makes me cringe now.
One can call up and animate all sorts of 'fighting' metaphors, but they blind one to an esential truth.
You've got to hit bottom before you can start going up.
You've got to fall, and not rise.
You've got to admit to a despair too deep for words, and too wide to cross.
Unless, of course, Someone takes your broken heart, and builds from it a bridge.
There's only one catch.
You have to let Him.
In this long hard fatal fall
I've covered lots of ground.
From defiance, when I knew it all
to a void without a sound.
In all of this I held me close
with arms clenched firm and tight,
until, at last, I finally chose
to open them to the Light.
It seemed unmanly, this despair,
this abject hurting wail,
but God smiled, and cleared the air,
and told me a holy tale.
"With all you've gone through,
you've lost hope, so may I hope for you?"
For music, Abba's Waterloo seems somehow weirdly appropriate, both for the song and for the name of the band.
Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.
Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.
Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Wow Andrew! I am going to go write the below thought in my journal. So, I can ponder it for a while.
ReplyDelete"You've got to admit to a despair too deep for words, and too wide to cross.
Unless, of course, Someone takes your broken heart, and builds from it a bridge.
There's only one catch.
You have to let Him."
For me, the sitting still and letting God build that bridge is terrifying. I much rather try to distract myself from the fact that pain and despair are even there. I didn't know that reading your words tonight would remind me that I need to slow down and stop hiding. I need to be open to God's construction project, building that bridge from my brokeness. I am praying for you and Barb. -Jolene
Jolene, you're absolutely right, that admitting to the despair, the shattering...and letting God use what's left...is terrifying. And even having taken the plunge, so to speak, the process is still scary, because it's both an unknown and a perilous-feeling 'unexpected'.
DeleteBut it's worth it. Tomorrow holds terror, but the faith that's been built, almost without my realizing it, is strong.
We thank you so much for your prayers!
"With all you've gone through,
ReplyDeleteyou've lost hope, so may I hope for you?"
Yes, please. I need you to hope for me Jesus. I need to know that what you are doing, or what you're allowing or however that works... is worth the ache, the tears, the pain, the unknown. I want to believe down to my toes, like I used to... but all I believe right now is how down-deep tired I am of fighting, and taking captive the thoughts, and rallying the troops, and hanging onto this mustard seed. So yes, please. Hope for me. And build for me.
Help me admit to a despair too deep for words, and too wide to cross.
so that a I can let you take this broken heart, and build from it a bridge.
back to you... and back to hope again. And Jesus, please, heap on Andrew and Barb with all that pressed down shaken together kind of perfect unperishable goodness and perfect peace... and mostly that other-worldly rest you've promised.
Jane, I am so glad this found a resonance with you. Please know you are in our prayers.
DeleteAnd we appreciate yours, so very much.
I don't know if it's so much a "let him" or being aware and accepting the action he's already doing.
ReplyDeleteAnnette, that's a good point. I don't know either!
Delete"With all you've gone through,
ReplyDeleteyou've lost hope, so may I hope for you?"
I need to hear this too, Andrew, thank you. Not for me (well, maybe for me too) but for my boy, who is struggling with mental illness and retaking university exams again right now. Although he's better than a year ago, he's so far from the bright student he used to be that it's hard for me to hope. I definitely need God to do the hoping for me
God bless you x
Liz, we join you in hope, and you and your son have our prayers.
DeleteWherever two or more are gathered in His name, there He is, in the midst of them.
I will hope for you.
ReplyDeleteSusan, thank you. Your love and strength and faith are a Godsend, and a lifeline.
DeleteBeautifully honest description of despair and the hope beyond it.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this, and for being here.
DeleteAs our friend Susan says, hope changes everything!
ReplyDeleteTara, it sure does!
DeleteEmbracing hope looks a lot like falling. Not into a pit of despair but relaxing into a pair of loving arms that are always there. May you have that hope in bucketloads. May you and Barb be encouraged and lifted by the ongoing prayers of all of us, and comforted by the One who holds all our brokenness and fears, gathers them together tenderly and wipes away our tears. It's okay to let go when God is the person holding us close.
ReplyDeleteJoy, I love this image, of falling into loving arms! Thank you for this, and especially for your prayers.
DeleteBeautiful words, Andrew--both the post and the poem. I am praying that you do indeed feel God hoping for you and giving you the sense that you are loved by Him and all of your friends who gather here to cheer you on in the fight!
ReplyDeleteBeth, thank you for your kind affirmation...and I do feel His presence, and His love...and that of all my friends. yes, indeed!
Delete"Let Him..."
ReplyDeleteOiy. As humans, that's easier said than done. But if you can, it sure makes the load lighter!
Blessings and prayers for you guys!
It sure can be hard, Diana! If you remember 'Ghost', it's kinda like Whoopi Goldberg signing over a $3M check to the nuns.
DeleteMany thanks for the prayers...prayers and blessings back at you guys.
This was really touching and so needed, Andrew! To understand the power of weakness is one great mystery many people don't ever get close to explore – thanks for the illumination!
ReplyDeleteYou're so right in the expression, 'the power of weakness'. I would not have begun to understood it, in years part.
DeleteThe learning's been painful, but I would not change a thing.
'...in years past...'
DeleteSheesh. My fingers get dumb sometimes.