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Thursday, January 31, 2019

Your Dying Spouse 575 - Sometimes You Get Discouraged {FMF}

Now there are four tumours visible on the chest wall, and I wish I were somewhere else. It hurts too much, and the hill will be steeper tomorrow. I don't want to do this any more.

Saw a programme during the night on Trinity Boradcasting, about how we are supposed to use our talents. It kind of set me back. Here, where it's too late to make a difference, I can't say that I did. (The Five Minute Friday prompt this week is where.)

In the end it's all ephemeral,
the stuff I try to write.
not part of the eternal
not fit for Heaven's sight.
I reach for something vital,
my reach is far too short;
I cannot claim the title
of grace, so, thus, abort
pretensions to a grandeur
assumptions of a place
of discourse with the Saviour
when I can't see His face.
Abandon, now, the author's bleat
and quiet, now, the fool's conceit.

(Postscript - added Friday, February 1, 2019)

All the above is true, but it's also so very, very wrong. There's a ind of grace in looking honestly at one's failings, but that grace is only valid when one views them in the light of success, of having done one's best.

It's all about chiaroscuro, the visual interplay where life is defined by light and shadow. Shadow alone is ultimately meaningless, and light alone is, to our eyes, incomprehensible.

And when we get to Heaven
the shadows fall away
and God our eyes will leaven
to partake Eternal Day.

Music from Johnny Mathis, with I'm Coming Home.




Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.



Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.







62 comments:

  1. Praying for you too. Your honesty and poetry are so poignant. I pray healing and peace. Thanks for sharing. I found you on the Five Minute Friday linkup.

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    1. Mary, thank you so much for your kind words, and most especially for your prayers. They are felt, and they help. A lot.

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  2. Thanks for sharing so honestly, Andrew! I am sure that the Lord appreciates it most of all. Blessings for this weekend to you.

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    1. Katha, thank you so much. I am truly blesse by Him, and we wish you blessings back!

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  3. You've been in my thoughts and prayers often over these past months, though I've not commented. Strength, Andrew, of every kind that you need, and I pray grace for Barb too.
    I've also been in a place for a while where my words and writing have failed me. Silence in the presence of an Almighty God is probably wise, and often humble.

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    1. Ruth, this means the world to us; thank you so much for these kind and grace-filled words, and for your prayers.

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  4. People tell me that when it's the right time to retire and move on, I'll know.
    When it's the right time for you to move on, you will know.
    Rest until you are ready, and I pray that you can rest without unbearable pain.
    Annie in Texas

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    1. ((((((Annie!))))))

      You're so right. When it's time, I'll know, and the time is not yet.

      Thank you so much for the prayers!

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  5. The only part of this post I like is the Johnny Mathis song. And, believe it or not? I featured a JM song on my upcoming weekend post. See, we are so much alike!

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    1. Susan, we are indeed alike. You're the sister I always had, but just took awhile to meet.

      And I am so glad to share this time in this world with you.

      XOXOXO

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  6. Andrew, I am so sorry for your suffering. May God bring you peace and a day of rest. Praying for you & Barb.

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    1. Joanne, we thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.

      It's going to be OK. As Julian of Norwich said, "All manner of things will be well."

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  7. Praying for you, Andrew! And your words do make a difference to many of us!

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    1. Lesley, thank you so much for your prayers, and for your gracious affirming words. They are truly, deeply appreciated.

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  8. Andrew, my heart is so heavy and words just escape me. But I do want to say this. You say that you didn't use your talents to make a difference. I don't know. Maybe you're right about the *past*, but I do know you're making a difference now and have been since you began blogging. And I know this to be fact because I know you have impacted my life, and I can pretty much guarantee from reading other people's posts when I come to visit, that you impact their lives as well. Please, please remember that you are making a difference. I continue to pray for you and for your loved ones. Prayers for relief of pain, rest, peace . . .

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    1. Patti, I am so grateful for this, that you took the time and care to write these gracious, uplifting words. They speak to my heart, and they give me courage in a hard, dark place.

      I'm grateful beyond any means of expression. Thank you,my friend.

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  9. I agree with everything that has been said... the transparency of your journey may not feel like a talent, but you open up an experience that all who read NEED to see. We need to know how it feels to be you, right where you are. Talent? I don't know. Who am I to decide that, but a gift? Absolutely...

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    1. Misty, thank you...writing through this journey is awfully hard, and there have been times I have thought I was getting out of phase with what people needed to hear...but your words bring me back to the truth, that honesty really is everything.

      Even in a hard and sad post like this...it's at least real.

      Thank you.

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  10. Your vulnerability continues to inspire and cultivate growth in others. Thank you for being faithful to share your words and insights even when it's difficult.

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    1. Bethany, thank YOU for this lovely comment, and for your loving thoughts. I'm honoured by your presence here.

      You are in our prayers.

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  11. There cannot be shadow without light. And, I will choose to stand in the shadow of HIS LIGHT any old day. Healthy or sick. Rich or poor because HE IS WHERE I WANT TO BE. xo I still the Johnny Mathis song.

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    1. Thank you for looking at the postscript, Susan. And Johnny Mathis has the voice of an angel!

      XOXOXO

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  12. Never think your writing isn't 'fit for Heaven's sight' Andrew. Yours is the only FMF link I read every week. And every week you inspire me to be better at my job by reminding me that my patients are people before they are patients, and encourage me as a writer by your example of honesty and vulnerability. It is so part of the eternal - you are building God's with the your words.

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    1. Liz, I'm simply overwhelmed by your words. Thank you somuch for this, for holding me up when pain has been drowning me, holding me up to the light.

      I will keep going. And you will ever be a part of that effort.

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  13. Keep writing your personal psalms, Andrew. Words are the shadows that must stand the test of God's illumination. May God draw you close.

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    1. Oh, Vicki! Calling these my personal psalms, you've so deeply touched my heart, and SO honoured me.

      I'll be here, to the end, and I will do my very, very best. I promise.

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  14. Your headline made me think of that old song that starts with "Sometimes I feel discouraged." It goes on to say, "His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me."

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    1. Jan, He is with me; I know that I am not alone, and will never be alone.

      Not only through His gentle touch, but through yours, and through this community.

      I am blessed beyond measure.

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  15. Oh, dear Andrew, so, so hard. But in your vulnerability you show us how to keep going. You remind us we need both the light and the dark. "It's all about chiaroscuro, the visual interplay where life is defined by light and shadow." I don't think I had heard that word before. It's a cool word! Thank you so much for continuing to write when it would probably be easier to quit. May God wrap you in His loving arms and give you peace. Hugs and love, and may God bless you and dear Barb.

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    1. Gayl, I'll level with you...I think of quitting every ay.

      But I don't, because I figure there may be someone out there who needs to hear the hard truth wrapped in the message of "Don't quit...it will be worth it, even though you can't even imagine the dawn that will end this night."

      We truly, deeply appreciate your prayers.

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    1. Sand Castles And Snow Forts...what a lovely handle, and thank you so much for your prayers!

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  17. Andrew, I remember conversations with my first husband, Bill, that sounded a lot like yours. We may always wonder if we did enough -- and then comes grace. Praying for you!

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    1. Karen, thank you so much for this, and the reassurance of grace to come. That is truly appreciated, and so are your prayers.

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  18. Dear Abba Father, Comfort Andrew and Barb. Be near them Lord. Wrap them in Your love, comfort, strength, and peace. In Jesus name, Amen.

    Love to you and Barb.

    Jolene

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    1. Jolene, thank you for this lovely, wonderful prayer.

      Love back, from both of us.

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  19. I beg to differ... I believe wholeheartedly that you HAVE, and STILL Do, make a difference. By your testimony, you have shown folks what the love and strength and grace of God are like. In amongst all these things, you have touched countless lives. Why else would there be so many of us, who have never met in real life, cling to prayer for you and Barbara and the doggies? The seeds of your faith have been planted in others, to live long into eternity. Did you do enough? I believe you have. But God is the one who will say, "Okay, Andrew, that's enough... come to Me."

    We continue our prayers for you. - Diana & Jerry

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    1. Diana, thank you for this, from the bottom of my heart. I'm so tired now, and there's that danger of losing focus, losing perspective. You've set me straight, and I thank you.

      We're so grateful for your prayer; you and Jerry remain in ours.

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  20. Hi Andrew, it has been a long time since I have participated in FMF...life got beyond me. I'll get back here sooner or later. My main goal today was because you were on my heart (you definitely are an impact maker Andrew). You do make a difference. I am praying for you and Barbara.

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    1. Kelly, it's so good to see you, and I'll look forward to seeing you on FMF, one day in the future.

      I'm so grateful for your words, your kind thoughts, and your prayers. Truly.

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  21. I'm glad you added the "very, very wrong" amendment to your beautiful sonnet. Otherwise I might have wanted to point you that way myself! Andrew, what you are going through is searingly painful and unimaginable to most. One can only stand back with amazement at the clarity of expression you still possess and the way you write about the hard with such realistic grittiness and grace. I hate the way cancer is eating away at your poor body, my friend, but I am loving the way it has pared back to reveal the phenomenal poet who resides within, who is still pouring out such wonderful, vibrant verse. Though I ache for the awful effects of your pain and all it seeks to take away. Keeping you, Barb and your canine family in my thoughts and prayers.

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    1. Joy, words fail me, here, except to say, Thank You, from the bottom of my heart.

      You're right that this is searingly painful (perfect way to put it!), and it's quite frightening; the last to morning, since this was written, put me nose to nose with a kind of end that I don't want to face.

      We are all very, very grateful for the prayers. It's hard on everyone.

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  22. I am so sorry for your pain. I never know what to say in times like this, so I will just speak from my heart. Words are important and timeless. Your words written all over the web will ensure that IF you go Home any time soon, you will not be forgotten.
    Thank you for writing from your heart and sharing it will all of us.

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    1. Margaret, thank you...the words from your heart are exactly the right ones, and they're a blessing. I'm deeply touched, and deeply grateful.

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  23. I haven't thought about the word "chiaroscuro" for a long time, and it's so perfect to describe our status here in the in between. God is giving you great insights to share in the midst of your struggle.

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    1. Michele, it is kind of a cool word that way, isn't it? That interplay of light and shadow, one incomplete without the other.

      I'm so glad you're here!!

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  24. Andrew, you have been in my prayers this weekend. I'm praying especially for your comfort and courage. Know that you have made a difference because, I'm embarassed to say, that my prayers usually focus on me. I had to say that because you've been so honest in your writing that I'm encouraged to return the favor, regardless of the embarassment. Thanks for teaching humility and grace. FMF #52

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    1. Suzette, I'm so grateful for this, for your prayers, and for your kind thoughts. It makes this all worthwhile...the pain, and the writing.

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  25. Your words know how to captivate. I think God has enhanced your message and kept you here to say it. I'm asking God to help you. You have my admiration. GBU.

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    1. My dear Norma, your words come as a light in a truly dreaful day. Thank you for this.

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  26. First of all, you have shared your gifts with the world, Andrew! I hope you never lose sight of that, even as the pain and throws of death wrap around you. But I also agree that much of what we run after in this life is vanity and not even worth comparing to the glory we will see and experience in heaven with Jesus! The best is yet to come for us who trust in Christ! Hugs and prayers to you, my friend!

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    1. Beth, thank you so much for this true and Godly comment...I am so grateful.

      And on this most horrible of days, I am grateful for your prayers.

      Not dead yet.

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  27. I think the devil likes to whisper in our ear that our lives don't matter. Ignore him.

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    1. Thank you for this, Rebecca, and for being here.

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  29. https://youtu.be/0naB3Nb7boE
    Dear Andrew, praying for you daily. I hope this link works; it is a beautiful song that is so comforting: "Cling to Christ" by Sovereign Grace Music.

    Love & prayers,
    Kathryn in SC

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    1. Kathryn, thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for your prayers, and for the link. Heading there now.

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