Pain, and dry heaves that feel like they're ripping me apart, and it's hard to breathe.
I don't want to die.
It's not because I'm afraid of what comes 'after'; I've been there, in multiple near-death experiences. I know where I'm going.
But still, I don't want to go, and there's a one-word reason why.
I love this woman with a ferocity that consumes my soul. She has taken up the role of breadwinner, and has done it with a mastery that's just astounding.
I want to see her go on.
I want to listen to her, and pray for her, and offer her what help I can.
I want to treasure every last smile, every hug (soft ones; because I hurt too much for a proper hug), and every tear of frustration that I can help to dry.
I want to be here for her.
I don't want to die.
Just for fun, here's Joe Jackson with Is She Really Going Out With Him? The first time I heart this I was waiting for a procedure at Mayo Scottsdale (when I had insurance) that had a 70% chance of killing me.
At that time, Barb and I were divorced, so I called her - got her voicemail - and asked if she would be my medical power of attorney. Divorce or no, she was the only person on the face of the earth that I trusted.
She agreed, and was firm in telling me that this was not a road back.
Indeed so. The road back required me to get counseling, to face my selfishness, and my demons.
And one day, months later, she called me, and said, "Are you sitting down?"
I sat down, and said, "Yes."
And she said, "I think I want my husband back."
So the song's kind of special, and it's fun. I hope you'll give it a listen.
Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.
I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.
Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.
Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.