Why we're here...

Love and marriage are the greatest adventures in life, and they point they way to our relationship with the Almighty.

We're honored to be a member of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association...click on their logo to visit them.

undefined

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Your Dying Spouse 530 - Please, God, I Don't Want To DIe! {FMF}

This has been a week of stark, staring terror.

Pain, and dry heaves that feel like they're ripping me apart, and it's hard to breathe.

I don't want to die.

It's not because I'm afraid of what comes 'after'; I've been there, in multiple near-death experiences. I know where I'm going.

But still, I don't want to go, and there's a one-word reason why.

Barbara.

I love this woman with a ferocity that consumes my soul. She has taken up the role of breadwinner, and has done it with a mastery that's just astounding.

I want to see her go on.

I want to listen to her, and pray for her, and offer her what help I can.

I want to treasure every last smile, every hug (soft ones; because I hurt too much for a proper hug), and every tear of frustration that I can help to dry.

I want to be here for her.

I don't want to die.

Just for fun, here's Joe Jackson with Is She Really Going Out With Him? The first time I heart this I was waiting for a procedure at Mayo Scottsdale (when I had insurance) that had a 70% chance of killing me.

At that time, Barb and I were divorced, so I called her - got her voicemail - and asked if she would be my medical power of attorney. Divorce or no, she was the only person on the face of the earth that I trusted.

She agreed, and was firm in telling me that this was not a road back.

Indeed so. The road back required me to get counseling, to face my selfishness, and my demons.

And one day, months later, she called me, and said, "Are you sitting down?"

I sat down, and said, "Yes."

And she said, "I think I want my husband back."

So the song's kind of special, and it's fun. I hope you'll give it a listen.


Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.

I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.





If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.






38 comments:

  1. That's a beautiful post, and tears are filling my eyes! I love that Barb was there for you when you needed her; and that eventually, you two were reunited! I love that she called and said she wanted her husband back...I could very well say those same words today; my husband isn't the person he was when we met. Yet, and yet...we are the couple that we are because of what we have gone through. He just doesn't see the sides that I do...

    Thank you for sharing, Andrew. Always hugs and prayers...and you unleashed the "whatever" that was in my heart today!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. barbara, thank you so much for this! I've been truly blessed, and whatever good I've done, that's on Barb's support.

      Hugs and prayers are SO appreciated!

      Delete
  2. Aww! That is a great memory. Sounds like you both figured it out. You are both very lucky to have someone who cares so much for you. Always in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. k
      Karen, it is a wonderful memory, the best oe I have. Thank you so much for your prayers!

      Delete
  3. Ahhh... and I bet "Andrew" is the one word she has that PROVES she can place the rest of her aliveness into the safekeeping of Jesus. ....... Sleep well, Andrew.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jane, this is just lovely...thank you so much!

      Delete
  4. What a beautiful post. You know Andrew, my friend who passed on to heaven from pancreatic cancer had a dear wife and 3 children 16 and under. He felt the same. They were his biggest concern. That what love does. That would likely be the concern of most everyone that loves the Lord having taken care of so many on this side of the veil before the Father brought them home. It has to come to handing your jewel, your best friend, and wife, Barb, into His care and just start thanking Him that ultimately Jesus is the perfect One to care for her. Keep thanking Him for His provision for her when you are in heaven. He will not disappoint. Your body is in such pain. I'm praying. Father, place Barb beneath the shadow of your wing, and let Andrew know inside that you will care for your dearly loved daughter. One day after you pass Barb will come to where you are--heaven. You will never have to say goodbye again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Betsy, you're absolutely right; I have to hand Barb's care and protection over to the Almighty, and while I'm still around, never stop lifting her in prayer.

      It'll be good never to have to say goodbye again.

      Delete
  5. Andrew, so beautiful! My heart aches for the pain both you and Barbara are facing. May God surround you with His love and peace. Sending love with gentle hugs to you and your amazing Barbara!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gayl, thank you so much for this lovely, loving comment. You're a treasure.

      Love and hugs back!

      Delete
  6. Looking forward to a gentle hug and meeting this Barbara, your rock of all stages. xo

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh man. That's beautiful. Jason was Kara's "don't wana die". My hubby is mine. Sooooo hard, that part. I hate that for you. For all of us who feel that way. God knows. That's the only thing that I can tell myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Emily, it is so very, very hard...and yes. God knows.

      Delete
  8. I have no words of wisdom or comfort. Just tears and prayers as I lift you and Barb up. May you feel His peace concerning Barb and strength to place her completely in His arms. May Barb be comforted and and strengthened.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Crystal, you do have the words after all, the bet ones of all. Thank you so much for this.

      Delete
  9. As always - praying for both you and Barbara! What a wonderful thing God has done in your marriage! Gentle hugs to you both!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Carol, thank you...the prayers and hugs are sure appreciated.

      Delete
  10. Beautiful story Andrew, thanks for sharing it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Leon, thank you so much, and thank you for being here.

      Delete
  11. ((((Andrew and Barbara))))
    One thing I had to remind myself when my brother was dying: As much as I love him, God loves him even more. When I worry about my 90-year-old mother, I have to remember: As much as I love her, God loves her even more.
    So, dear Andrew, as much as you love Barbara, remember that God loves her even more. Rest in that knowledge.

    Annie in Texas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes!!!!!! That's so comforting!!!!!

      Delete
    2. ((((((Annie!))))))

      Thank you so much for this perspective; it's so very true. No matter how much we love, God does love more, and we can trust Him.

      Delete
  12. Praying for both of you and so thankful that you were able to find your way back to each other... and my guess is you were both better versions of yourselves the second time around! Praying for love and for grace to saturate you both and hold you near!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Karillee, I think that we were better versions, the second time. I hadn't thought of it that way, but you're right.

      Thank you so much for the prayers!

      Delete
  13. Andrew, how very special! I loved reading this story of you and Barbara. Dying isn't for the faint of heart. I worked as a cardiovascular nurse specialist for 25 years and stood at the bedside of many patients. I love that you are writing. And I appreciate your words on my Heart Choices post for FMF. By the way, I live in Phoenix and teach in Scottsdale!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Debbie, wow, the courage you needed for that job! I'm in awe.

      Thank you so much for being here...and how interesting that our paths may nearly have crossed hen I was at Mayo.

      Delete
  14. What an incredible story! And this is a special post. Perhaps you could print it and frame it for her. Love you brother. Praying for you both. I'm over in the 7 spot this week.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tara, it was incredible to live it. I still have to pinch myself, to realize that it is all real, not a dream. Thank you so much for your prayers!

      Delete
  15. What a lovely memory, Andrew! I love that you worked to get your woman back--worked on yourself! That takes a real man, a humble man, the kind of man that every woman should feel blessed to marry and then marry again! Praying for you, my friend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beth, thank you so much...I realized that I had made such a horrible mistake, and that the only road I could walk, I had to walk on my knees. It was worth it.

      Your prayers are so appreciated!

      Delete
  16. Andrew,
    Beautiful post. Praying for you. Thank you for your heartfelt message. Thanks for visiting me on Medium too and your comment.
    Praising God for restoring you and your marriage.
    Blessings,
    Janis
    #FMF 25 - Who

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Janis, thank you for this lovely note, and for your prayers!

      Delete
  17. What. a. story. I was between choking a little and laughing out loud – thank you! Thinking of you and Barbara this week.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Andrew, I appreciate your honesty. Many times, in Christian circles, we romanticize death's consequences. Jesus cried for his friend Lazarus for good reason. Relationship is intentional design. When the bond breaks, it hurts. Praying for God's peace that passes understanding as you face this sacred, yet human, moment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stephanie, this is terrific, especially the observation that relationship is intentional design. So true, and we invest far more of ourselves than we usually realize.

      I'm so grateful for your prayers.

      Delete