And I love life more than ever. I'm happier than I've ever been.
And I'm at peace.
Cancer is only a part of life. Granted, it can seem a pretty huge part when you're doubled over in a pool of blood you've just spit up,and there's no one around and if you're going to get up you have to do it yourself.
But as I was doing just this, recently (fortunately outside, on the dirt!) I noticed a green stone filled with shiny flecks. Don't now what it was, but it made me feel better.
Grace does abound, but I hadn't been looking at God's freely-given gifts. I was only interested in the grace I could make myself.
And that, dear friends, is the flight-path of the famed Equatorial Concentric Bird, which flies in ever-tightening circles until it disappears up its own...uh, tailpipe.
I was so busy washing the window that I never bothered to look through it.
And now at the apparent end of so many things, comes the payoff.
I looked around, and saw so many gentle blessings, none of which I could ever have earned.
I looked within, and saw something I had never expected to see.
A heart that's at peace.
And so, I'm still in the fight. But my heart has finally healed, and when the end does come - and I am working hard to make sure that day is a long way off, yet - that healed and whole heart is what I will carry to Christ, and I will thank Him for keeping it safe.
Music from Switchfoot, with Love Alone Is Worth The Fight.
Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.
I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.
Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.
Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!
And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Andrew, the beautiful, amazing work God continues to do in your heart is truly a reflection of His great love for you.
ReplyDeleteThis line: "Grace does abound, but I hadn't been looking at God's freely-given gifts. I was only interested in the grace I could make myself."
This line spoke to me, resonated, because I've lived it. In accepting God's grace, we begin to live in freedom. I continue to pray for you, my friend. For you and Barb both.
Gentle hugs.
Jeanne, thank you so much! It's been quite a trip, and I've surely been carried by Grace and Prayer.
DeleteAccepting that Grace really does free us; realizing that came as a sort of celestial 2 x 4 to the noggin; stunning.
We're so grateful for the prayers and hugs!
Such beautiful thoughts here. His Grace gifts are scattered around us! You are in my prayers through these days. May He keep bringing you just the gift that you need for each day.
ReplyDeleteBettie, thank you so very much...I so appreciate the prayers. And He does bring exactly the right thing to make each day special, and blessed.
DeleteAww, Andrew! I’m so sorry the fight just gets harder. But so glad Jesus is healaing your heart this side of heaven.
ReplyDeleteOK, I just LOVE the handle 'Kettleheadhats'!
DeleteAnd thank you so much for your kind words...and it is cool that the healing has come now, when it was really the most needed.
Let that heart be healed Andrew. Don't be afraid of moving toward that light, it's a good one you know?
ReplyDeleteAnnette, is indeed a good light; and I am more ready to embrace it every day.
Delete"I looked around, and saw so many gentle blessings, none of which I could ever have earned."
ReplyDeleteThis is immensely profound. I have always struggled with unearned grace and favor when it is granted. Thank you for the reminder to look for it and celebrate it, not because I am worthy but because I have been made worthy. Blessings and continued peace to you.
Bethany, that's perfect! "...not because I am worthy but because I have been made worthy."
DeleteThank you so much for adding this, and for your warm thoughts and presence here. You're appreciated.
Boy this is insightful. Thank you for your clarity, Andrew. Love and prayers to you and Barb.
ReplyDeletePaula, thank you so much! Love and prayers especially appreciated.
DeleteAs always... Touched beyond words. It is almost like, hours later, I think of something really great to say. Here though, in the moment I just feel awed and heavy, and like I spew gibberish. Thank you for being so real...
ReplyDeleteMisty, your being here, saying something...it's so important to me! Thank you so much!
DeleteGah! This is SO GOOD Andrew! So powerful and true and grace and all things holy in how He redeems us and makes us new! I mean - we are praying and contending and declaring healing in the whole body --but to have a whole heart in the midst of the healing... EVEN BETTER! xoxo
ReplyDeleteKarrilee, I'm so grateful for this! And having a whole heart...that really defines the healing, I think. XOXO back, from all of us.
DeleteNow that I've read this dear Andrew, my heart for you can finally be at peace too. I could feel the struggle in your words and posts before this one where you share that your heart is healed--beautiful, wonderful words.
ReplyDeleteBetsy, you're so right...it has been a struggle, like diving in seaweed and trying to get to the surface whilst the gauges are going into the red. But something happened, a break, a shaft of sunlight...and in the words of Julian of Norwich, 'all will be well, all will yet be well'.
DeleteI'm so glad I was able to get that across in words!
Dear friend, Andrew, the words in this post, your reach into our hearts, are powerful. I feel you have come home. You have become more fully yourself, as you experience this suffering yet find the preciousness of life. This post is touching, a beautiful picture of the goodness that can be experienced even in the worst of times. If God takes you soon, we will be happy for you. If God doesn't, we will be happy for us, that your voice will still speak with honesty and authenticity. Praying. GBU.
ReplyDeleteMy dear Norma, I don't have the words to tell you how much this means to me...you're so right, I have come home, and everything is OK now. There may be months of pain and debility ahead, or it could end by morning...and it's really, truly all right. Every moment's a gift, every word is a chance to share love.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers - praying daily for you and your Mum.
Beautiful writing.
ReplyDeleteThis is your 485th post on this topic and you're still here!
Thanks, Jan! I'm four years past my doctor's sell-by date, and every time he sees Barbara in town, he asks if I'm still alive.
DeleteAnd hearing that I am, he just shakes his head. He says he's planning to write a paper on me.
You'd think the doctor would trot himself out to see you with his own eyes! Even if for no more than to find out if you have any insight or wisdom to share with him as to just exactly WHY you have so far outlived his prediction. So glad you are still able to share your insights and wisdom with us here!
DeleteVery profound thoughts, Andrew! I think the idea of self-made grace is interesting and convicting. Grace is what happens to us. Thanks for this reminder!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
Just wow. A healed heart. Wow. So happy for you. I am in awe of your journey. Thank you for sharing it with us. May God continue to bless you beyond belief.
ReplyDelete"I was so busy washing the window that I never bothered to look through it."
ReplyDeleteVery deep my friend, very deep.
If there is anything good that has come from your sickness and trial, Andrew, it is that your heart is more alive than ever before! Thank you for reminding us to live each day to the fullest and to see the miracles that are right underfoot. Prayers for you and Barbara, my friend!
ReplyDeleteI saw your comment on Mundane Faithfulness so I jumped over here. I echo all of the comments above- your writing is profound & full of truth, your heart healing is cause for soul-celebration & your life is impacting more people by the day. Add me to the list of those who have been blessed by you sharing your struggles & victories. I'll see you on the other side, new friend.
ReplyDeleteMay God who provides serenity and peace hold you, dear Andrew, in the palm of His hand as you walk this difficult path. I pray to Him for your dear wife who, as a caregiver, gives all because she lives like He did!
ReplyDeleteDear Brother Andrew and Sister Barb, I am thankful for your presence in our FMF community. Your gift for writing and your faithfulness in continuing to put your fingers to the keyboard is a blessing indeed. This year at your blog has been especially encouraging for me because Barb has also shared her gift of writing with us. Both of you spin words in a manner that creates a tapestry in the midst of frayed threads and my heart is changed and challenged.
ReplyDeleteDear brother, there is a lightness to this post that I can only begin to glimpse myself. A healed heart...oh friend, may you live deeply in this place of light and grace. Thank you. You are Loved
Janel/mytoesareblue (viepourcettetemp.wordpress.com)