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Thursday, April 26, 2018

Your Dying Spouse 465 - A Near-Death Experience {FMF}

I am writing this in the mid-morning of April 26, 2018. About seven hours ago, I crossed through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, and came back again. I'm a bit shaky, and in pain; please excuse my awkwardness.

As I lay abed, unsleeping, I was suddenly gripped by a pain that was both crushing and tearing, across my upper abdomen at the bottom of the ribcage. I could feel breath and life departing, and I floated out of my body; I could see myself, contorted and still.

But the pain remained, a fiery thread, stronger than steel, connecting me to this life, and I fought harder than I have ever fought to regain that failing and broken body.

It was an incredibly harsh experience, and the pain is still with me. Morphine would be nice.

I knew that Heaven with its promise of peace and infinite vistas of possibility lay behind me, but I dared not look, because if I looked I would surely go.

And it wasn't time to go.

I returned to my body, and to the worst chills I have ever experienced, malarial in quality but far, far worse, and to eerie hallucinations as I fought to stay conscious.

Yeah, a long night.

When I rose in the pink dawn, I was put in mind of some couplets from Flecker's poem, The Gates Of Damascus:


"And God shall make thy body pure, and give thee knowledge to endure
This ghost-life's piercing phantom-pain, and bring thee out to Life again.

"And God shall make thy soul a Glass where eighteen thousand ├ćons pass.
And thou shalt see the gleaming Worlds as men see dew upon the grass."

I don't know why I was led here, to these lines in this poem; I have no doubt that there is purpose to this experience; I was meant to see something.

But what?

It's like a night-flash of lightning, making visible an object you know to be familiar but whose shape is impossible to grasp in time's small fraction.

I can't find a way to frame 'takeaways', but there is something strong, a colouration to the day, if you will.

And this is that there was a sort of consummation, an understanding on coming out to life again that the dreams given us by God are never to be lightly put aside; that they stay in our faithful hearts though in their specifics they may seem trivial when set against a calamitous world does not obviate the Almighty using them for a higher purpose.


We are here for a reason.

And that, for the moment, is all.

The only appropriate music is Soundgarden's Live To Rise, because I did.



Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me.

I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in. I'm really not doing well at all.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.







48 comments:

  1. WOW!!! Just WOW!!! Thank you for sharing...I am sure God does have a purpose in bringing you back. A reason for your still hanging on to life. Sharing your experiences connects you to so many who are praying for you and Barb. I don't know how you do it; but your words always touch so many!

    I have been light on writing...like, haven't written anything in months! I do write in my journal every day; so I guess that counts.

    Take care and know that I continue to pray for you and Barb and your side kicks!

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    1. Barbara, thank you so much. I'm so honoured by your words, and we all appreciate your prayers.

      And yes, writing in the journal counts!

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  2. Oh Andrew! I am thankful you are here. I know God has a purpose. You and Barb are in my continued prayers.

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    1. Barbie, thank you...your prayers are truly appreciated by both of us.

      I'm glad to still be here, too. A bit ragged and very tired, but grateful.

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  3. Andrew, this is powerfull! We are here for a reason. And God knows how long each person will walk this earth. My takeaway from your words is the reminder to live well, live our lives for Him. And to not lay dreams aside that God has given us. I've found it too easy to do that at times.

    I'm praying for you and Barb, my friend. Gentle hugs.

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    1. Jeanne, it does become more clear, the harder it gets...there is a reason. He gives us the dreams as a part of Him, that we're to nurture and cherish, I think.

      Prayers and hugs are so very appreciated.

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  4. Thank you for sharing, so clearly, with such raw words, your experience. My heart goes out to you, and I pray that your physical discomfort is eased, while still retaining the clarity of your heart and mind and relationships. May the God of comfort be noticeably present with you today.

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    1. Cindy, Andrew has asked that I respond for him. There is always a price to be paid for the choice to remain in the temporal instead of divine existence. Prays for an eased adjustment would be appreciated

      Delete
  5. What a story! I'm humbled by your willingness to follow God even in the midst of your pain. Praying for you!

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    1. Lesley, Andrew has asked that I respond for him. There is always a price to be paid for the choice to remain in the temporal instead of divine existence. Prays for an eased adjustment would be appreciated

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  6. Replies
    1. Beth, Andrew has asked that I respond for him. There is always a price to be paid for the choice to remain in the temporal instead of divine existence. Prays for an eased adjustment would be appreciated

      Barbara, agrees that comprehension feels distant like watching a fantasy based movie with unfamiliar concepts.

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  7. What an incredible experience. Thanks for sharing. Thankful you are here!

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    1. Tara, Andrew has asked that I respond for him. There is always a price to be paid for the choice to remain in the temporal instead of divine existence. Prays for an eased adjustment would be appreciated

      Delete
  8. I can't even comprehend. You are in my prayers, have been for quite some time now. Thank you for sharing your journey, this event shows that your sharing is not yet done. God bless every action you take.

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    1. Maxine, Andrew has asked that I respond for him. There is always a price to be paid for the choice to remain in the temporal instead of divine existence. Prays for an eased adjustment would be appreciated

      Delete
  9. I appreciate you sharing this deeply profound moment and experience. Sending love and prayers to you and Barb.

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    1. Paula, Andrew has asked that I respond for him. There is always a price to be paid for the choice to remain in the temporal instead of divine existence. Prays for an eased adjustment would be appreciated

      Delete
  10. Not sure I know what to say except "you lived to rise." We love you.

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    1. Susan, Andrew has asked that I respond for him. There is always a price to be paid for the choice to remain in the temporal instead of divine existence. Prays for an eased adjustment would be appreciated

      Barbara agrees these moments are difficult to process in the temporal without experiencing the divine.

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  11. You came back. Praises! Your life is miracle after miracle despite not being healed physically. I am amazed. You know, you are impacting several of us with your life and how you are living it. Some of it is raw, but in your honest telling of it, we, I, see ideas and issues to grapple with and come to terms with. In essence, you make us think. Thank you. The Lord bless you. Still praying.

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    1. I also should have said, this post is very moving and powerful. The imagery speaks, your words convey the out-of-body experience in language that transports us there with you. It appears you are in a wrestling match with life and in the process your understanding of the spiritual has magnified in intensity, like looking in a microscope and seeing the intricate details. Thank you, Andrew. I pray the pain will lessen.

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    2. Norma, Andrew has asked that I respond for him. There is always a price to be paid for the choice to remain in the temporal instead of divine existence. Prays for an eased adjustment would be appreciated

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    3. Norma, Andrew explains the experience also this way. In an instant thought the choice to stay is made and no reconsideration can occur or altered. In that very brief blink of the eye, that we all have in the temporal but can think our way through before reacting, is a reaction in the divine.

      I, Barbara, found this as a new definition of: "how a man thinks in his heart, so he is".

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  12. I'm so glad you fought. But you are right, we are all here for a reason. God's pull is too strong if He were ready for you. So purpose, it must be. For the pain, I'm so sorry. For Barbara too, it must be equally painful, although very different.

    Still praying.
    And while you're here, I hope you can keep writing.

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    1. Cheryl, Andrew has asked that I respond for him. There is always a price to be paid for the choice to remain in the temporal instead of divine existence. Prays for an eased adjustment would be appreciated

      Writing is one thing that he can occasionally do, after caring for his daily companions, which requires much energy.

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  13. As always, praying for you & Barb and all that God still has for you in this life.

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    1. Annie, Andrew has asked that I respond for him. There is always a price to be paid for the choice to remain in the temporal instead of divine existence. Prays for an eased adjustment would be appreciated.

      Delete
  14. Amen to you "being here for a reason." You are shining courage each of us will need when our time to leave arrives. I suspect many of your words will come to us in our hour of greatest need. Thank you for sharing from your heart, dear Andrew.
    Blessings ~ Wendy Mac

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    1. Wendy, Andrew has asked that I respond for him. There is always a price to be paid for the choice to remain in the temporal instead of divine existence. Prays for an eased adjustment would be appreciated

      His hope is that no one will ever have to face the depth of suffering he has, but that at each blog families moment of transition the process will be eased.

      Delete
  15. Welcome back to the land of the living. I wish you weren't in pain, but you continue to inspire all of us so you certainly have a purpose in being here.

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  16. Janet, Andrew has asked that I respond for him. There is always a price to be paid for the choice to remain in the temporal instead of divine existence. Prays for an eased adjustment would be appreciated.

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  17. Praying for you both daily. Words truly fail. Having gone through a similar long journey with my BIL, I know the journey is long, painful, and yet the Lord brings us through these times for purposes we may not understand fully. May God bless you both for your transparency in sharing. May He use your lives mightily not only in these days but in the days to come. May He strengthen each of you to hold onto Him.

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    1. Joanne, thank you your the uplifting reminder and honesty. This week has been manageable due to our prayer warriors. How would we function without all of you I am unsure.

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  18. Andrew, I so admire your courage and transparency as you share. I am so honored that you shared my last post with your wife. She is in my prayers. I have also written a book that I want to send to her - The Power of Hope in Mourning: Ride the Waves to Comfort. My email is karen@karensebastian.com. Weeping as I write this and encouraged to know how close the Lord is to the brokenhearted. I will continue to pray for you both and all your family.
    Karen
    The Hope Lady

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    1. Karen, I am honored that you'd like to share your book with me. I will send you an email soon.

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  19. Oh my goodness Andrew... I will continue to pray.. thank you for the courage to share your journey with us..Blessings, Del

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  20. Beautiful poem. Hugs and blessings to you. Thank you for sharing your journey.

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  21. This is such a powerful post! God must have more for Andrew to do here before He calls him home. So much love to you both, Andrew and Barb. Know that you both are such a blessing!

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  22. Wow! It is tough to know how to put my thoughts and feeling into words. I am so glad you came back to share your experience with us. I really appreciate the fact that you were able to make the effort needed to put it into words. Just know that your words are having an impact on those who read them.

    I was telling a christian writer friend today that I just don't seem inspired to write fiction these days, that perhaps that isn't the sort of book I am supposed to be writing right now. I am much more comfortable writing blog posts and these FMF prompts than I have ever been writing fiction.

    I treasure the posts you have commented on and when I feel like giving up, it is good to know I can read your posts and comments to give me hope again to continue to write. I know I am supposed to write, but have no idea WHAT I am supposed to be writing.

    Please know that While I treasure your time here on earth with us, I pray you won't have to suffer so much pain. I can't even imagine what Barb must be going through, but I pray that she will lean on all of us if she needs to. God bless you both. Thank you both for being here, you have no idea how many lives you are changing.

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    1. Karen, keep writing anything. The flow of finding your base interest will flourish. Everyone has a story to tell, a truth to convey. Yours will surface and when it does, let God handle the rest .

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  23. Honoring you every time I come to visit. Praying for you and Barbara often, friend.

    Amazing how pain and sorrow can mingle with peace and wisdom, isn't it ...

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  24. Andrew,
    I'm reading this and in awe. I can kind of relate but not really. I don't have cancer, but I do have Bipolar Disorder. It's been a hard diagnosis to accept. I have had three hospitalizations in the last calendar year. They haven't been pretty. I have been dangerous, but yet God has brought me out of the danger zone and back into today's realities. I pray that you and I both can focus on gratitude and not get stuck in those hard/not feeling good places. JKC

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    1. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with a bipolar diagnosis, Jennifer :/. My daughter received a similar diagnosis three years ago. There IS hope!

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  25. Wow! What a harrowing experience and I'm so glad you fought back death again, Andrew! It only seems natural that such a supernatural experience would stir deep and reflective thoughts like the ones in the poem you shared. I don't know what meaning God wants you to see from those words, but I hope you keep searching for it, like you've continued in this fight for your life, my friend. I know it will encourage you once you figure it out. Praying for you and Barbara every day!

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  26. I missed this one.

    Um.... wow. WOW.

    I pray your REAL passing is MUCH EASIER on you.

    Maybe THIS experience was a fluke.... God saying, "Oops, that is NOT how I want him to go... let's try again later. I'm not done with him."

    Geesh, Andrew... heaping loads of prayers on you, my friend!!

    P.S. Personally, I'm glad you are still with us!!

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