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Thursday, October 6, 2016

Your Dying Spouse 216 - The Lethal Legacy {FMF}

Time for Five Minute Friday, the timed and keyword-driven writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung.

This week's word is TEST, but I have to write ahead once again, and will try to fit the word in.

A couple of weeks ago, my laziness and negligence killed one of my beloved dogs. I've been processing it.

'Processing'. A nice techno-geek word for self-loathing, and a sharp stab of pain every time I see her toys and bowl, gathering dust, and her empty sleeping crate.

There are lessons to learn; that God will carry His forgiveness of me while I struggle with my own.

That there is no room for down time. Duty is all, and duty is always.

And perhaps the most important, now...that I have to put this failure into a box and deal with it later.

My wife needs me 'all there'. She has a challenging career, and she has a life that does not stay in the shadow of her own death. She needs good cheer, and unqualified support. not the requirement to hand-hold me through heartbreak.

The other dogs were traumatized by what happened, and they need a stable and normal anchor in me. They need reassurance. They mourn in their own way, but it's my duty to help them through this; not their job to hold me up.

There is nothing I can do that will bring Pitunia back. No special pleading will turn back the clock, and likewise nothing will 'make it all ok'.

But it's time to turn away from sentiment and the inward focus. There will be time for that later, and I will pay the price, with interest.

My situation makes it tempting, sure, to ask for special treatment, to have the shelter of understanding where I can cry and let my wife be my strength. I'm in pain, and degraded more as the weeks go by. It's unpleasant, but in the end it's just life. You don't get a pass for this; God knows I want one. The responsibilities to those around you don't change, and I just have to meet them.

I always hated the cliche that 'life goes on', but it does. It has to.

First comes the test, then the lesson.

Much to my surprise, I decided to participate in a '31 Days' blogging exercise; rather than interrupt the flow of this post, I have another blog established, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.










49 comments:

  1. I'm sorry for your loss, Andrew. But it might help your wife to know how badly you are hurting about Petunia. I know my husband tends to hide things from me, and it feels like it disconnects us when he does that. I hope you have a better week.

    Hugs,
    Melinda (#3 this week)

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    1. Melinda, thank you so much, and your words are wisdom. It's just so hard - when Barb is in a good mood I hate to bring her down, and when she's low or frustrated I don't want to make things worse.

      The 'disconnected' feeling makes sense, and I do have to find a way to do better.

      Hugs back!

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  2. Sometimes the test is in opening up to our spouse with our vulnerable parts (I'm not very good at this, so don't think I'm preaching!). I'm an independent gal, and it's hard for me to admit when I'm wrong, hurting or in need. But I think it makes Pedro feel as if he's not needed (but he IS, he really is--I just don't like admitting that I can't 'do it myself.').

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    1. Anita, you hit an important point here. Thank you! There are times when Barb has come out and said that my emotions are so low-key that she feels that she can't give me any support...and that she's not really needed. As I said to Melinda, above...I need to do better.

      Thanks so much for being here1

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  3. Those who have been forgiven much have greater thankfulness than the self-righteous ones who think they have earned heaven by their good deeds.
    How is Barbara doing? You two are perfect for each other-and you maybe need to let her help when she offers. You can cry here. We've got tissues.
    Are you hurting and broken within? Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin? Jesus is calling. Have you come to the end of yourself? Do you thirst for a drink from the well? Jesus is calling. Oh come to the altar, the Father's arms are open wide. Forgiveness was bought with the precious blood of Jesus Christ.

    Oh what a Savior! Isn't He wonderful?! Sing Alleluia, Christ is risen! Bow down before Him, for He is Lord of all. Sing Alleluia, Christ is risen!

    (Song called O Come to the Altar)
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rYQ5yXCc_CA

    Love you both! And thanks for the birthday wishes. It was a great one. :)
    -Tammy

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    1. Tammy, you see through me. This is where I come to cry.

      Barb is caught up in challenging duties at work, and I really don't want to distract her. It's not that I am trying to be the strong silent type...it's just that she has to be SO GOOD every day. She is, and it's my desire - and duty - to support that.

      But yes, I am at the end of myself. The bitter, bitter end. And thank you for the Youtube link!

      So glad you had a good birthday! Love back!

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  4. Andrew, it stinks when the test comes first, and then the learning. I pray daily that God will equip you for what you must do each day. Sometimes, the equipping comes with the grace to grieve. I can't quite imagine how difficult it is to be in your shoes. But I'm praying for you, and for Barb, and for those precious dogs you have the privilege of caring for. May God be your comfort (it's okay to let Him do this), and may He give you strength to do what you must each day.
    Gentle hugs, friend.

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    1. Jeanne, thank you so much for these kind, loving, and gracious thoughts. We do appreciate the prayers, and I'll keep trying to do my best for Barb and the dogs...and, hard as it may be to say, for me, because I too am precious to the Almighty.

      It's not hard to FEEL that...but it's hard to actualize it.

      And I do appreciate the hugs.

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  5. You know, maybe there is a little room for down time. You are grieving losses and so is your wife. You need each other and it's okay not to be strong for a bit and cry together. I pray for God's comfort and peace and that you will forgive yourself and rest in His loving care. I pray that God will bring blessing to you all.

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    1. Gayl, thank so so much! I am coming to think that being able to take downtime, to be able to let another heart touch yours in grief...that's really an art. One that can only be taught by the guiding Hand of Grace.

      What do you think?

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    2. Andrew, I am praying for you brother! I think you put that beautifully! It really IS an art... and really can only be taught by Him!

      We lost our JonahBoy last week... he was almost 18 and lived with us his whole life! It was a hard decision to let him go, but it was the most humane and loving decision. We didn't really know how much it would hurt or how much we would miss him every day. So, as I am missing him --now I will be praying for you, too! xoxo

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    3. I definitely think it is an art, but it we all need it. What better teacher than our Lord who went through so much for us! I don't know why it is so hard for us to learn. I guess it just hurts and is scary to be so vulnerable.

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  6. Praying for you, Andrew! I'm sorry for the loss of your dog. May you feel at peace knowing she's surrounded in the heavens with all the other animals. May your soul feel at ease and free from guilt and prayers for healing for you and Barb.

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    1. Bonnie, thank you so much. I now I'll meet little Pitunia in Heaven...she was so sweet and innocent, and I'm sure God is just delighted to be able to play with her.

      We so appreciate the prayers - thank you so very much!

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  7. I feel like you have such depth and wisdom in your processing of life, Andrew. You feel the pain brutally and do not hide from it, but you always seem to bounce back and make something profound of the experience. I really admire that about you.

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    1. Emma, you have so honoured me...I don't know what to say, except thank you.

      And I will keep on doing my best in future.

      So glad you're here!

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  8. So sorry to hear about your dog. That's hard stuff, and it's encouraging to see you holding faith and persevering.

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    1. Marvia, thank you so much! It's hard to go on - not so much about Pitunia, but that I failed to live up to the image I had in my head.

      But the only way to validate this, somehow, IS to continue.

      I am so glad you're here!

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  9. We are always hardest on ourselves and it can be hard to move past something you feel you could have prevented. So sorry for your loss!

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    1. You're so right, Kadie. It's hard to move past...and feels almost disloyal to the memory of Pitunia.

      Thanks so much for being here!

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  10. I couldn't say anything more than what has already been said bro. You are in my prayers. I am glad to be blessed enough to be a part of your journey that you have shared here with us though. I am actually hoping to get your Blessed book for my hubs soon. He is a picky reader and the description sounded like something he would be interested in. Have a blessed Friday brother and know God is with you. +

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    1. Meg, thank you so much! Your words and thoughts here are really precious.

      I hope your husband will enjoy "Blessed". I enjoyed writing it.

      And God is indeed with me. Sometimes shaking His head at my stubborn foolishness, but He's here.

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  11. So sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is so hard. Thankful you are still here.

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    1. Tara, thank you so much. On the whole I'm glad I'm still here as well.

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  12. I am so sorry for your loss and pain. It is sometimes so frustrating when the test comes first. But I guess through the test you learn as you said and it might even make you and your wife closer as you grieve. Always thinking of you.

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    1. Kristina, you're right...the learning that comes after the test can really be the most profound of all. Barbara and I may indeed be brought closer to one another - and the the Almighty - in grief.

      I so appreciate your thoughts and prayers!

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  13. It's always tough when we lose a loved one, whether it's a fur babie, or a human. I've been there.

    Thank you for stopping by my blog Andrew. You always have a way of cheering one up. Even in your dark times.

    My blog: https://awifesreflections.wordpress.com/2016/10/07/test-of-faith (You've been there. Thanks again.)

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    1. Kimberly, thank you so much it is hard.

      And your blog is lovely - I highly recommend you!

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  14. Is life a durdge or a delight? Well, it seems to have elements of both. Emotions swing to the right and then to the left. We do what we can, try to climb every mountain,,,, and find that grace comes in how we face what comes and in our connections whether human, animal, or plant. Every step is part of this and every moment counts. The gifts we have from God make this a powerful and meaningful life experience. Still praying.

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    1. Norma, my gosh...you said this so well. Thank you for adding this compassion and wisdom to the conversation - your thoughts are a treasure.

      And I so appreciate your prayers.

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  15. Thank you, Andrew, for visiting my blog today. I don't know much of you back-story (but I will see if I can find it out) but I can feel your pain in this piece you have written today. I am very sorry about the loss of your dog. They become members of the family and the losses are felt as strongly.

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    1. Paula, thank you for being here. The backstory is simply what the doctors suspect has gone from chronic pancreatitis to a malignancy. I'm symptomatic for the latter, but not being able to afford insurance, tests and treatment are not an option. What is not in question is the prognosis - poor, and terminal.

      But that's OK. One does the best one can in one's allotted time. (I think Gandalf said that in LOTR.)

      Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. Dogs really are my family; I can no longer carry on any kind of verbal conversation (hurts too much to talk) and with dogs...well, they get it.

      Thank you so much for being here.

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  16. This: "That there is no room for down time. Duty is all, and duty is always."
    The amazing part of you, Andrew, is that you are and will always be a courageous soldier, stoic and brave.
    And in the same breath, you exhibit such tenderness, fighting for the life of one dog, and grieving over the life of another.
    You are RICH in life, my friend, and I value you. Thank you for allowing us to take small glimpses into your world each week. We are richer for it.
    Praying.

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    1. Shauna, thank you so much...and I truly value having met you through the good offices of FMF.

      It's a privilege to be here, and to participate. And I really appreciate your prayers.

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  17. I just started reading your posts. Not sure all you go through but pain seems to be in the forefront. My prayers are with you in your grief. You are so right, sometimes we have to put our pain on hold and live our life. Hard to do. I amss trying to do that now in my life. Blessings to you.

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    1. Mary, yeah...pain is pretty much up there, along with fatigue that has put paid to my ability to do much of anything anymore. And there's other stuff I won't describe (stuff that is kind of humiliating, really).

      But life is still worth living, and there is still something to be gained in living every moment to the positive.

      I'll keep you in my prayers, Mary, and I do appreciate your presence here.

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  18. "The responsibilities to those around us don't change " really grabbed me. The older I get the more I realize we are not an island unto ourselves and it is not all about us. People depend on us, but they also love us. All of get by with a little help from our friends. Blessings to you Andrew. Leigh from FMF

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    1. Exactly, Leigh...it's not about us, and it's not about 'them'.

      It's about love, and friendship, and as you said (and the song is now in my head) getting by with a little help from my friends.

      Thank you so much for this!

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  19. I'm very sorry for your loss. I know losing a pet is just as difficult as losing a close friend or family member, because they are family! Take the time you need to grieve and to be okay with the ups and downs that come with it.

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    1. Meghan, thank you so much for this. Your words carry the comfort that I truly - and desperately - need.

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  20. Andrew, sorry for your loss of Petunia, I know the pain of losing a furbaby. I am writing in the 31 day of 5 min free writes also. Blessings Diana

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    1. Diana, thank you so much, for your kindness and compassion, and for being here.

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  21. So sorry for your loss Andrew. Losing a pet can be so heart wrenching. Yes life does go on, but it hurts - and will for some time. may you be surrounded by love and healing.

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    1. Bev, thank you. You're so right, that one does need to carry on but the pain will be there for quite awhile.

      Thank you so much for being here!

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  23. I have no words except I hurt for your loss and I understand the struggle with being unable to forgive yourself to a point where I get caught in a belief that God should punish me. But that is not how he is - He is rich in unfailing love. May you be reminded of that this week. And this: http://youtu.be/sYiM-sOC6nE. ☺️

    Julia

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    1. Julia, you're so right, that God is the definition of unfailing love, and of forgiveness.

      And patience, until we can forgive ourselves.

      Thank you so much for being here, and for the Youtube link.

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  24. Andrew, I'm neck-deep in Write 31 Days and the Gospel of John so I feel out of the loop. Please come over and visit me? Pretty please with dog biscuits on top? xoxo

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    1. Will do, Susan. Sorry, been hurting, but on my way.

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