The word this week is MAIL.
It's easy to fall into despair, especially after the past few weeks. The physical side of things is deteriorating, and (sorry about this) I'm not making it to the bathroom quickly enough. Lots of laundry to do. Cuts into the writing time.
Pain has changed - when I walk, sometimes it's like walking into a spike driven into my gut by a strong and determinedly vicious man.
My failings are coming home to roost. Not only causing a dog to die, but the failing from the past have recently been brought home to me in a way that I'm sure was well-intentioned, but really hurt.
Sleep does not come easily, which is nice, because the nightmares are eerie and vivid and remind me of the things in life that I should have done differently.
The TV preachers (I only watch Christian television) are telling me that my miracle is just around the corner, that God wants me to be a success, that this is all a test, and that I should rejoice in my trials.
Yeah, for the last...let's trade places, bub.
My closest relationships are becoming more distant. Part of it's the goodbye, and part is that other lives are moving on. I can't keep up. I don't remember the last time anyone asked what I did in the day. It's now all about symptoms. Being written out of life is kind of discouraging.
It would be easy to despair, and to just quit. Quit writing, quit trying, quit hoping. Just mail it in, and give life an existential shrug and kiss-off.
But I won't despair, and I won't quit. It's the principle of the thing.
It's tempting to put some kind of nobility to this, but I'think in the end it comes down to stubbornness. Everything and everyone seems to be telling me to let it go. Lost cause, give it up.
I don't want to.
People may fall away, abilities may dwindle, my world may shrink to a tiny circle of experience, and God may seem distant.
But, in the words of the band Alice In Chains (and the musical theme for today)...
Can't snuff the Rooster.
A quick note - the price for Emerald Isle has been reduced from $9.99 to $4.99 for the time being. How long 'the time being' will be I don't rightly now. But it costs less for now.
Angela, Faith In The Night, and PTSD And The Holidays are still 99 cents on Kindle.
Angela, Faith In The Night, and PTSD And The Holidays are still 99 cents on Kindle.
Much to my surprise, I decided to participate in a '31 Days' blogging exercise; rather than interrupt the flow of this post, I have another blog established, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Malcolm X) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.
Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.
WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!
He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.
He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.
If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI don't want you to mail it in. I can remember exactly a year ago, I thought you were going to leave us before Thanksgiving. In November, I grieved the loss of your words every week bringing laughter (and sometimes shock).
Wow.
Here we are, and it's October and there are holidays approaching and again the unknown. Will you be there? Will you be able to participate?
I toast to you, with my pumpkin pie chai latte, to friendship.
I mused today about fall. You see, leaves serve a purpose. They collect nutrients and store life for the tree. They transform sunlight into life that feeds the tree for the winter. (Along with the root system)
And for deciduous trees? They don't just serve their purpose and die.
No.
God gives them BRILLIANCE as they go out! Why, the variety, the intensity, it's breathtaking!!
Children gather them by the handfuls. The yellows, golds, oranges, scarlets, reds, and all of them are amazing!
Andrew, as you have lived, you have collected God's light and spread it and continue to do so. I believe your color is becoming more brilliant and lovely to behold even as your temporary home is losing its ability to contain the grandness of what God has done within you!
I'd say you're a pretty passionate Fire Maple or something.
Burn brightly, Andrew. You're going to go out blazing hot. (But we will see you as the last stubborn leaf clinging to that tree. You won't fall easily.)
Love,
Tammy
(Linked up!! I'm on the books at #2 tonight. Right behind you.)
I remember that too, Tammy. Since then there have been a lot of trips to the edge 9and a bit beyond) but somehow and for some reason, I am alive and remain.
DeleteBarb went to see our doctor today, and he said, "He's STILL here??"
Love your metaphor of leaves. Reminds me of when I had a huge mulberry tree in a small yard, and the patio would be covered in leaves. The dogs (only five back then) would find one single special leaf, and play keep-away with it until it was truly shredded. Then they'd find another.
I do intend to burn brightly - you've reminded me of a ditty by the actress Tallulah Bankhead:
My candle burns at both ends;
it will not last the night.
But oh, my foes, and ah, my friends
it gives a lovely light
Love back!
Andrew, Yes and Amen to what Tammy said!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine the terrible-ness of what you deal with every day. And yet, you still show up. You share your words--the good, the bad and the ugly--and you inspire. No, I'm not just saying that. I can't tell you how many times I think of how you're doing this thing, with the raw honesty. Inviting your online community in to "walk"with you in prayer and encouragement, as we're able.
Please remember, God didn't call us to a life of perfection. Only one Dude walked this earth perfect, and his name wasn't Andrew. ;) Your failings don't define who you are in Jesus. They have shaped you, but they don't define you. The enemy of our souls is the one behind the condemnation. Not that this truth makes it easy to forget the failings, but remember that he wants you discouraged. He wants you giving up. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. God sees you through eyes of love. He rejoices over you in singing. He is quiet in His love. And those times when He feels distant? It's just the feeling. And feelings lie.
So, I'll get off my preaching-box, and tell you that I am praying for you. Often. Especially at night. Your life still has value my friend. You mean MUCH to many of us. Truly.
jeanne, thank you so much for this. What you've said is so important for me, and a great comfort.
DeleteYou're right that there is an enemy that wants the failings to define me; that's one reason I really hate to sleep, because I see him most clearly in dreams. Not fun.
And you're right. Feelings do lie. I may have to live in the feeling, but I do try to keep myself reminded that it's not Truth.
Thank you for taking time to step onto the preaching-box (you're GOOD at this), and thank you ever so much for the prayers. They have been sorely needed.
Dear Andrew, you are stronger than most, persevering, forgiving, hoping, trusting in good despite your body. Thank you for giving your words to us. I can't imagine how hard it is for your circle of friends to grow smaller and to be left behind, but you are not failing anyone. You are first to show up here every week and lead us with an example of love. I am so grateful for you and praying peace will guard your heart this week.
ReplyDeleteChristina, thank you so much for these loving, kind, and gracious words. I don't really know what to say except Thank You...and I will keep showing up here to the very end.
DeleteI admire your raw writing. I haven't known you via #fmf all that long but as I read the first comment on here I can say I am one of the ones you have touched through your words. You make a person want to trade in their pretty for real. I hope and pray you will receive healing this side of Heaven brother. I do. I couldn't help but picture (during the sentence of TV preachers) that we put so much on stance even in the Christian family, but it's about going lower. How many of us would give up big chances or more of being known to go and sit and be a friend to one in need. It is not pretty most of the time. It is unknown. And your words here made me think on these things and what Jesus is really about. Prayers and blessings to you and yours Andrew!
ReplyDeleteMeg, thank you for this lovely and profound comment...and you're so right that much of life (and much of what we're really called to in the Christian life) has little to do with the pretty.
DeleteIt sure works that way for me, just looking inward. I have to be OK with the really ugly, but in a sense I've got an advantage because a former career put me squarely into the midst of the big ugly that people can do to each other. hHving seen some of that, I don't feel too much resentment for my station.
I so appreciate your prayers!
So glad you aren't giving in to the despair. As our friend Susan says, hope changes things.
ReplyDeleteTara, Susan's so right. Hope does indeed change things. Someone once said that 'hope floats', and I love that.
DeleteSo glad you're here!
Yes, I agree! You are not allowed to mail it in! Sorry bud, but we aren't done with you here in our little community of bloggers! Prayers of hope for you! <3
ReplyDeleteKadie, in that case I just HAVE to stay! And I do want to. More than just about anything. FMF is the breath of life for me. (Loved your post today!)
DeleteAnd thank you so much for the prayers.
Thank you for sharing your side of a 'dying spouse'. I took care of my spouse for three years before he finally gave up and went to live with the Lord. That has been two years ago now. I miss him terribly. You raw writing is beautiful. You are helping someone, somewhere with your words. You need to keep writing, praying, and hoping!!! Sending you a huge hug!!
ReplyDeletePaula, you've touched me more deeply than you may realize, and I promise you this - I will keep writing, and I will keep it real even though that's hard sometimes (facing things I'd rather not recognize).
DeleteThat you, having gone down this path, feels that what I'm offering is valuable is an overwhelming honour.
And thank you for the hug!
The paragraph you write on people moving on and being distant was so honest and im sure 100 percent true to life. And it has to be soo painful. I see that and the loneliness of it is crushing im sure. I am glad you can't Just Mail it in. Really. Because we would all be missing out on your story and what we need to know and hear. You teach us much.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
I read your previous post. Lots of good Insight and it all makes sense to me.
Summer, yes...it is painful to see people move on. They can't help it. They've GOT to. But being left behind hurts.
DeleteI'm so grateful for your gracious words. I won't Mail It In. I'll be here to the end.
Thank you so much!
Andrew, I cannot imagine what you deal with on a daily basis. But what I can say is this - I am grateful you are here. You continue to show me a persistence to face each day, each struggle, and continue. May I encourage you to keep on, friend. Don't mail it in. Praying for you this morning.
ReplyDeleteJoanne, thank you so much for this. I'll keep going, and I promise, I won't 'mail it in', not ever.
DeleteYour gracious words and your prayers are such an encouragement!
"But I won't despair, and I won't quit. It's the principle of the thing." Good for you, Andrew! It's a blessing to see you week after week faithfully writing your #fmf posts! Thank you for being an inspiration to me and to many others.
ReplyDeleteMay God give you joy even amidst the pain, and the strength to do what you need to each day. Blessings to you and yours, Andrew!
Gayl, thank you! Your words are such a lift. I'm honoured to be here.
DeleteGod does give me what I need to keep going each day; like manna, it's sufficient unto the day at hand, and not more. (That's the first time I ever made that connexion...)
Thank you so much for being here!
Brother, you know how we value you and how much we love and pray for you. We are so thankful to read your words and even though sometimes the reality of what you are battling through is hard --the wisdom and honesty that you are sharing are teaching us. Your comment about how people stopped asking what you do during the day... I'm so sorry for that. It must be lonely and exhausting but you fight on and for whatever reason (for which we are thankful) God is giving you one new day after another. Don't mail it in... (You know He won't let you do that, anyway!) Oh how I pray that the tv preachers are right and your miracle IS just around the corner. I'm sure that is not always easy to hope for or even want on some days. Know that we are praying, lifting your arms, and we want whatever He says is best for you, until He takes you home, I am praying for that miracle on this side of heaven! xoxo
ReplyDeleteKarrilee, thank you so much. The FMF Family is always in my heart and in my prayers, and I don't know what I would do without this group, this home of the heart.
DeleteVery perceptive, that sometimes I would not want the miracle of healing, but perhaps for a different reason...I've learned so much, and am doing some good here. Would I trade that to have my life back?
I don't think I would. It's not a happy, comfortable place to be, but it's mine, and methinks that in the overall scheme of things it's the RIGHT place.
The miracle comes every day, Karrilee, like manna...the ability to go on for another day and another night, without thinking of how tomorrow will shape. Today is enough.
So glad you're here, and I so appreciate the prayers!
It is so sad as humans we tend to just go on with life when we know someone is terminally ill. This really made me think because we just found out my father in law has a very high chance of having ALS. Thank you Andrew for the challenge for me. I am glad you don't give up. It will be sad to get no more from you. : ( lifting you up now.
ReplyDeleteOh, Kristina! I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
DeleteI won't give up. I will be here for as long as I can, and when I do get to meet Jesus face to face, I will tell Him of you, my friend. (Not that He doesn't know! But I think He'll enjoy being told.)
Hi Andrew. Your post touched my heart. Though God sometimes feels so far away, He is right there. I pray that you will see the small graces that He leaves for us to remind you that you are loved. I'm #35 on the fmf list - I'm a newbie. :-)
ReplyDeleteGina, thank you so much...and you are right. Pain and fatigue may dull my vision, but God hasn't moved away. You're so right!
DeleteThe small graces are what I have, and, Gina - they are the best thing of all. When people ask about my Bucket List, I figuratively wave my arms to indicate the life I am living and say, "You're looking at it."
Thank you so much for being here, and I'm so glad you're a part of this wonderful community.
Praying for you. Hope is not a pie-in-the-sky result to our situations. It is Christ who meets you and sits with you right where you are, doesn't condemn you even when you condemn yourself, forgives you when you can't, is holding you up when all you feel is down. Never quit, my friend. Pause, rest, and always know He will never quit on you. Find #48
ReplyDeleteMary, you said this so perfectly. Thank you for taking the time to frame these lovely, hopeful and grace-filled thoughts! And you are SO RIGHT!
DeleteGod bless, my friend.
Andrew, we're glad you didn't give up or quit. We cherish your friendship and are grateful for all you contribute here at BPH and for your steadfastness. Whether you have few or many days, we are glad for them all. Btw, I didn't like the doctor's statement. Too negative.You make a difference. Bless you, N
ReplyDeleteNorma, thanks so much! I didn't like his statement either, but he can be pretty blunt. He once told me, to my face, "You should be dead. This is really unsettling." I did get a laugh out of that, as 'unsettling' can be said to be my job description.
DeleteI'm so grateful for your presence and prayers, my friend. More than you may know.
Andrew, your words are so raw and honest. Thank you for sharing boldly how things really are. I admire this. I just wish you weren't so hard on yourself. I know we sometimes are, but remember that you are loved and everyone makes mistakes, but we have to pick up our feet and move on. Don't let it still the joy you can have! God Bless
ReplyDeleteBonnie, thank you...and I try not to be as hard on myself as is my usual wont. "Love thy neighbour AS thyself" is two-edged, after all.
DeleteAnd we have to move on, for those around us...and for ourselves.
You're so right, Bonnie, and I thank you.
andrew, in the next days/weeks/months of your life, we are praying as you have pain and discomfort. there is no question that this is a miserable business. our hope is in Christ for sure. this is temporary. heaven is eternal. that can be encouraging for sure. blessings while you live in the in between.
ReplyDeleteMartha, the prayers are so important and appreciated. I am convinced that they are what is keeping my head above water, as it were.
DeleteI so appreciate your kind and grace-filled and loving words, and your taking the time to be here.
You may think of it as stubbornness, but I call it tenacity, persistence, drive. I'm so glad you decide to show up here still, despite the ongoing personal cost, the pain and the grit of life. You are an amazing example to us all :)
ReplyDeleteEmma, it's 0330 in the middle of a very hard night...and your words mean the world to me. Thank you so very, very much.
DeleteI must say the blog post is just useful for everyone else reading it because the information and knowledge it contains is very important.
ReplyDeleteHNI Gold Calls
Santosh, thank you so much!
DeleteWOW! I don't know what to say. You certainly don't hold anything back. this is real life. It is your life now, nothing sugar coated and we all know none were promised a rose garden or a bowl of cherries to feast on. I like your take on the word mail. Everyone has days that want to mail it in as we all deal with something. Some more than others. I am sorry for your pain. I am thankful you have a helpmeet, your wife to be with you. Keep writing. Keep telling God how you feel. Keep on keeping on.
ReplyDeleteLeigh, thank you so much for this. It is my life, you;re right, and as long as I am willing to take ownership...no matter what happens...I'm going to be OK. That doesn't exclude God; it is merely the acknowledgement that the bad things are indeed happening, and I have to develop a way to meet them, every day.
DeleteThanks so much for being here; and I promise not to quit.
Your post moved me. Hope is necessary and we need to hold tight to it. We don't know what our future is - except that we will be in God's house. God bless Andrew.
ReplyDeleteBev, you're so right. We sometimes have to nurture the hope that there IS hope.
DeleteSo glad you're here!
Andrew, you have holy guts. (Unfortunately, maybe in more ways than one.) I'm impressed with your courage and pray for you every day. God has a reason for keeping you with us, and it may be that you inspire us all with your words online.
ReplyDeleteJan, you mademe laugh, and while it hurt it was well worth it!
DeleteI so appreciate the prayers, and I do feel that God is keeping the shell going so that the words can still come.
Sometimes I want to grab the world by the shoulders (especially in this election year) and shout, Wake Up! Life is GOOD, and you can help make it better!
I truly believe that. I truly believe in the power of good, the power of God.
So glad you're here, my friend.
I can't help but think maybe you're miracle is loving others even when they fail to love and support you like you need. We hope and pray for a healing miracle, absolutely. But I reckon there are miracles in the every day here and now. It's a miracle that you write this and encourage so many. It's a miracle that you haven't given up hope or your faith in the God that works in your body. I can't imagine what you are going through, truly, and I hurt for you. I know there's nothing I can say or do to help, but I am praying for miracles all day every day until He calls all of us home. God bless.
ReplyDeleteAber, you're absolutely right. The Godsent miracle is my ability to love others who don't measure up, wholeheartedly and without reservation. I can't be specific; I'm sure you understand.
DeleteBut it's not 'my' virtue. The forbearance is what comes daily, hourly, minute by minute from On High.
I would not want you - or anyone - to experience my days. Today was particularly ugly, but I am still here, and in this place, thinking that I am glad it's 'on me' and not on someone else. Maybe there's only a limited amount of hurt floating around. Better it be on me. I'm trained to take it, and keep fighting.
Sounds pretentious. I'm no hero, but I knew several.
Thank you so much for the prayers, Amber, and for your presence.
And may I say this...our newest dog, Strawberry The Baby BullMastiff has bright amber eyes, and when I see her, I think of your lovely writing, and faith-filled heart.
You're a better man than I am woman, Andrew. I'm in a very discouraged place, mostly because of my chronic pain. I've only been suffering for a few weeks and see how much it's messing with my mind and will. You are truly a triumph over all of that, my friend. I can't help but be amazed every time you take one more step forward in your posts published here. Cheering you on, my friend! Keep it up because we all notice and are glad.
ReplyDeleteOh, Beth...don't be hard on yourself for discouragement, please! I'm trained to this; in a sense it's the only logical thing that could happen at this point in my life. Barb said yesterday that she realized quite quickly that the only thing that would really keep my happy is to have someone toss a grenade or two my way every day.
DeleteI guess God realized that as well, and saw how He could make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, and here I am!
I'll keep it up to the end, my friend.
Andrew, I realize I've been absent here. It's good to return to your words and your life. I continue to pray for you, and thankful you're not mailing life in. You're defying all the odds, and encouraging us all in the process. Keep on, brother. We need you.
ReplyDeleteJulie, so glad to see you! I know how busy your life can be, no worries.
DeleteI'll keep on. Right up until the end.
Andrew, I realize I've been absent here. It's good to return to your words and your life. I continue to pray for you, and thankful you're not mailing life in. You're defying all the odds, and encouraging us all in the process. Keep on, brother. We need you.
ReplyDeleteYou have more pain in your life than anyone ever should, but you keep going. That is incredible and inspiring in a way I doubt I could ever put into words. Thank you for fighting, and thank you for staying. Your posts and comments, even the ones wrought with suffering, are something I've come to look forward to. You bring perspective and warmth and you are so very important to so many people.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're suffering, my friend. I wish I could wave a hand and fix it all, or take some of it off your shoulders, but all I can do is tell you I see you, you're not left behind, you're just back here with all of us other misfit toys.
Keep being you. You're an incredible friend and person.
Jen, your words about misfit toys brought tears to my eyes, and that is really, really hard to do.
DeleteI'm coming to realize that this is the place I was meant to be; training and the inclination to stay 'trained' has made it possible to look past the misery of the moment (and as I write this, it's way miserable) to something that shines on above the blood and other stuff.
I would not trade this perspective. It may be my last op, but I'll carry it through the best way I can.
Thank you so much for being here!
Alice in chains? oh yikes! Remember, notecard with sketch. Don't go anywhere until you send me one. Ya hear? (((xo)))
ReplyDeleteSusan, I hear you. The notecard will be coming. Had a bit of an accident with a die grinder, and my writing hand's affected. You DON'T want to try to decipher an off-hand sketch!
Delete