One again, I'm writing in advance of knowing the keyword. I may not be well enough to address it in timely fashion when it's revealed, but beyond that, there is a story to tell.
(The word is COLLECT. I think I can use it.)
If I can work the word into this narrative, I will. But I do ask your pardon for not playing the game.
September sucked. No other word. It started out with Barbara getting the flu, and me getting pneumonia which almost killed me.
Which, in retrospect, might not have been an unwelcome thing.
Barb's beloved 18-year-old canine companion, Mocha Java, died. Barbara discovered the body; I was running behind in letting the dogs out for walks, and had not gotten to Mocha.
Barbara should not have been subjected to that.
Two weeks after that awful day, I was unforgivably negligent. The enclosure in which one of our young pits lived was deficient, and I had not gotten around to repairing it, and had too much pride to ask Barbara to fix it. She offered, as the dog had gotten out when she was around, and had to be coaxed back in.
I didn't do anything. She got out, and now she is dead. It's on me. She was only three years old.
Sloth is the devil's debt, and the devil came to collect.
Some might say, well, it's only a dog...but I have found that dogs feel love and pain and hope and fear and joy and sorrow to the degree that many humans do, and more so than most people I've met. I have service dogs; I rely on them when I can no longer communicate even with my wife.
That argument doesn't wash, not for me.
The raw fact is that God entrusted me with the care of these guys, and for Pitunia, I failed, and she was the one to pay the price.
It's hard, or maybe impossible to forgive myself, but I realize that I don't have to. I've already bee forgiven. I believe in God, and I believe that He's seen the remorse in my heart, and His forgiveness is there. It will take me time, more, perhaps, than I have, to take that offering, but God is patient.
It's hard not to hate myself, but again, I don't have to worry, because I believe that God does love me.
It's OK to be in the abyss for awhile. It's not something I have to fix, healing takes time, and in this case it may take more time than I have in this life.
That's also OK.
I may smile again one day; or not. Time will tell. But I will be here in this corner of cyberspace.
But I doubt I will ever be what I was.
I'll be what God makes of me from here on.
No musical accompaniment this week. Doesn't seem appropriate.
Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.
WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!
He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.
He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.
If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Hey, Andrew, I sent you an email (I don't know what you check more often so I thought I'd let you know here). Praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteGot the email, Lori - thanks! And thank you so much for the prayers. We truly appreciate them.
DeleteAndrew, I'm beyond sorry that September was such a terrible month. And I'm so sorry about Pitunia.
ReplyDeleteYou're wise to hold onto the truth that God loves you still. Regardless of what you feel for yourself, you are loved by Him. Cling to that reality.
Know that I continue to pray for you and for Barb, friend.
Jeanne, thank you so much! The truth of God's love is the foundation of...well, everything. And now, it's all I really have to see me through a darkness my eyes cannot penetrate.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers - we truly appreciate them.
You know, Andrew, there is something to be said for coming up short, for failing, if you will. I was sharing with my daughter the other day, some of the lessons I wouldn't have learned except through the refining fires of pain, hurt, sorrow, and suffering. I learned I am not superwoman. I learned I am vulnerable. I learned that God doesn't care what I think I am capable of--He already knows that--He only cares about where my heart is and what makes it glow (Him). Yeah. The material I write now is a far cry from what I used to think I would write. I was going to create seasonal children's books that highlight farming, cooking, and creating, books that could be used in the secular classroom. I had several already planned but hadn't done the work yet. They may never be written. Oh well. The world's loss, hah!
ReplyDeleteBecause of crushing experiences that took me where I didn't want to go and then on through to the other side, I realized there was a message I could write that was uniquely mine but was orchestrated by God to help a hurting people. I had a platform from which I could speak.
When you doubt, when you feel like cursing (or curse), when you fail,it helps to remember that the event is not the end-all, it forces you to make a decision, and it causes you to gain more perspective.
I'm sorry that September was incredibly disruptive and punishing. It will take time to absorb, heal, and go on. But I know you will. That is what you do.
Petunia's life and your remorse contain a lesson for you and your readers. We must make the most of our days. We must do all the good we can with the time we are given. We mustn't squander any of it. You make your days count by using your words to touch us and challenge us. It's not easy in many respects. We get that. Glad you have the dogs and they have you. You still have work to do.
God's best. Still praying.
Norma, thank you so much for these loving and strengthening words. You are so right, that failure is a place from which to step off again, closer to the Lord's Own Footsteps.
DeleteThe lessons may be hard, but I have to remind myself that nothing good is ever lost, and that I will see Pitunia again. I loved her dearly, but God loves her more.
I hope you'll write those seasonal children's books. It IS the world's loss!
Thank you so much for the prayers, and for being here.
Aw, Andrew, I'm so sorry for all of your losses. It hurts so badly when WE cause pain. May you feel the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit each time the liar tries to whisper words of recrimination in your heart.
ReplyDeleteAnita, thank you so much! I do listen for His voice...the liar is loud, but the Spirit is persistent.
DeleteThank you so much for being here.
I'm so sorry for this awful loss. And at such terrible time! Something that so easily could happen. Any of us could do.
ReplyDeleteI get the whole not forgiving yourself thing. Do we ever? I hope we can.
I hope you do.
Summer, thank you so much for these loving, faith-filled, and honest words. I truly appreciate your being here.
DeleteI will do my best, day on day, to forgive myself. I promise.
October is a new month. I'm sorry for your losses brother. And yes, God forgives....cling to that promise. So glad you are still here.
ReplyDeleteTara, thank you. I didn't really think I would make it to October myself, and part of me really didn't want to.
DeleteBut I'm still here, and will bend my heart to whatever work God wills.
Thank you so much for being here!
I'm so sorry for your loss, Andrew. I have done the sloth thing too and paid the price in other ways. I am glad you are reminding yourself of the truth. I have to daily do this because I battle with the enemies voice still a lot. In the darkest place I have been, one of my favorite verses was 1 John 3:20 "If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." I may have already shared that, if so oops. It still to this day is a comfort to me. I am praying for you all but if there's more we can do, let us know. Even snail mail! :) Thanks as always for sharing so boldly. You are helping me not to dwell so much what others think....that is a big deal in my book.
ReplyDeleteMeg, thank you so much, and the 1 John Scripture is perfect. Just right!
DeleteI'm so grateful for your support here, and both humbled and honoured that I have been a help to you.
And thank you so much for the prayers!
Oh that feeling of 'if only' and the heaviness of 'I just wish I'd'... that is so, so tough Andrew :( You are in my prayers and thoughts this week. Hope the pain gets easier to bear somehow.
ReplyDeleteEmaa, thank you so much. The 'if onlys' are hard...and possibly worse are the 'THIS many days ago, at this time...everything was still OK'.
DeleteI so appreciate the prayers. They are needed. I'm hurting, both physically (things are drifting worse) and in my heart.
Oh Andrew. I'm sorry. Please share Psalm 56:8 with your wife. Maybe God wanted me to write on it to bring the two of you a bit of comfort today. Even if just a little.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Melinda (#13)
Melinda, Ps 56 is perfect. We thank you for this!
DeleteAnd you did bring comfort. More than a little, for you shared exactly the right bit of God's Holy Word.
And I do appreciate the hugs.
I'm so sorry. The loss of a loved one (and yes, I believe animals are definitely included in that) is a horrible thing, and it's easy to continue blaming yourself but what happened was just an awful mistake. I agree with you about September. I'm glad it's almost over. And I'm immensely grateful that you DIDN'T die of pneumonia. You can't be going anywhere I can't follow just yet. A little abyss-dwelling is all right from time to time, but I hope you can forgive yourself too. I rarely pray (because my relationship with God is somewhat complicated on my end) but in this case, I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteJen, to be honest...you're one of the reasons I'm hanging on. Your courage is an example that I can't match, but I'll always try.
DeleteI do appreciate the prayers, especially since they come hard...and if you could pray for my little friend, whose cold and happy nose I will not feel this side of Heaven, I would be grateful.
That last line, about her nose...God. That just broke me.
Need your prayers, my friend. Truly.
I'm feeling ya, brother. I didn't participate in FMF this week. Focused on Write 31 Days. I still owe you a book and will be mailing within two weeks. Stick around, ok? xoxo And, hopefully you got a notice from PP?
ReplyDeleteNo worries, Susan. I intend to be here. For the one of my guys I lost, I have to be there all the more for the others.
Deletexoxoxo and a somewhat muted wook (all they guys are still mourning)
Oh Andrew! Yes, God loves you, and all of us. Thank you for stopping by my blog and commenting. My blog:
ReplyDeletehttp://awifesreflections.wordpress.com
Kimberly, thank you. He does love me, and that's my firm foundation when I can't nearly love myself.
DeleteThank you so much for being here!
I am so sorry Andrew that September was such a crappy month with all the loses. It is rough among everything else going on. I am glad you keep pressing on. thanks for visiting my blog
ReplyDeleteKristina, thank you so much. September just seemed to be the devil kicking me when I was down.
DeleteBut I bet he was surprised when I got back up.
Thank you so much for being here!
I'm sorry you've had such a hard month with so many losses. I'm grateful that God's forgiveness is complete, even when we struggle to forgive ourselves. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Lesley...and yes, God's forgiveness carries us when we can't walk it ourselves (like the famous story, 'Footsteps'...just realized that).
DeleteI so appreciate your prayers, and your presence here.
Andrew, I pray that God's love will go deeper every day so you will be able to forgive yourself as He has forgiven you. Thks for visiting my blog. I'm still quite a novice at writing.
ReplyDeleteMary, thank you so much for being here, and for the prayers. I truly appreciate them. Self-forgiveness will come in time; meanwhile, He is carrying me.
DeleteAnd for a novice, Mary, you're really good!
andrew., sorry to hear about your crappy month. i hate those times when bad things happen and it was my fault. it is humiliating and brings me up short. i can't feel self-righteous or anything. it's awful:( add to that physical limitations that slowed you down and it just makes it worse. so sorry you are having to go through this hard time. thinking about GOD's grace to you may be heartening. He forgives when we don't deserve it. He is with us in the hard times...and He cares about us. blessings brother, as you struggle.
ReplyDeleteMartha, thank you...your words mean a very great deal to me. Those failings are indeed awful, and there's no other word. Nowhere to hide.
DeleteAnd yes, God does forgive us when we don't deserve it, and carries us through the dark night of our own self-loathing until the new day dawns.
And with Him, there is always a new day.
Thank you so much for being here.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have never had the "it's only a dog" mentality. I'm a huge animal lover and know that pets are a part of the family. I would feel bad too, but you are human, and I am human. We make mistakes in our humanity. You know you are forgiver, but it is always hard to forgive ourselves isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI pray that October may be a better month for you.
Candy, thank you so much. I've always been an animal person (my wife calls me a dog-and-everything-else-whisperer), and I feel particularly connected to dogs. We understand each other across those interspecies lines.
DeleteWe do make mistakes; that's part of humanity, and I guess part of the Fall. I'm so grateful to know, while I am still in the grip of personal unforgiveness, that God has already forgiven me.
It makes all the difference.
Thank you so much for the prayers!
I'm sorry you have had such an awful month, and I am sorry for the loss of your beloved pets. There is grace and forgiveness, and I am so glad you know that.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your life here with us all. You have much to teach us. I am a new reader. I found you through FMF. I look forward to reading here regularly.
I hope and pray that October will be a good month for you and your wife.
Grace and peace,
Rachel
Rachel, thank you...and I am so grateful for your words and your presence.
DeleteFMF is really why I'm still alive. This community 'gets it', and calls me to be better than I otherwise might have been, and calls me to keep reaching for the good even in the midst of illness and, this week, heartbreak.
I'm looking forward to reading your work, too, in the months ahead.
God bless, Rachel
I'm sorry you have had such an awful month, and I am sorry for the loss of your beloved pets. There is grace and forgiveness, and I am so glad you know that.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your life here with us all. You have much to teach us. I am a new reader. I found you through FMF. I look forward to reading here regularly.
I hope and pray that October will be a good month for you and your wife.
Grace and peace,
Rachel
Thank you for linking up. You say you aren't admirable, but your humility and honesty are quite admirable. Failure is a part of our DNA, BUT Christ. He makes us complete. He covers the cracks. Thank you for sharing with us!
ReplyDeleteKelly, you said this beautifully...the concept that failure is part of our DNA but Christ covers the cracks is a great way of looking at it. And it gives me comfort.
DeleteThank you for this.
I hope that being able to put words to your and Barbara's pain and grief gives you a bit of perspective and comfort, Andrew. I think you've balanced well your responsibility here and yet have not let it overcome you or send you into despair. God will bless your efforts to humbly take responsibility and I'm so glad to hear you receiving His comfort and love in this sad tragedy. In effect, He's already chosen not to remember your guilt, so neither should you from this day forward. Besides, if anyone has a good excuse for "sloth" it's you, my friend. Prayers for you both are being lifted on this sad occasion.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you keep on keeping on. Praise God! We don't move on, but learn to move forward and cope with our grief. I know it makes me long for heaven and the day when there will be no more death. God has paid the debt! Amen!
ReplyDeleteMy hope is that October is a lighter month for you. That the richness of God's love and forgiveness sink deeper into your heart and mind. That in the deepest part of your meditations, your heart hears God's tender whisper of love.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers for you both.