Kate was gracious enough to give me the keyword this week, FIVE, early. It's been an awful week.
First, apologies to those who have commented, and to whom I did not reply. No excuse save illness, and that is not a good excuse.
What happened...well, it's pretty boring stuff. The usual - pain that would not abate, flickering lucidity (apparently I though Barb was someone else for long periods of time), and the messy physical issues that go with ths.
But there was one 'special' thing, something that delivered a judgement on my character and life that was staggering. It stripped aside my self-defenses of good and worth, and left me thinking that the parents who said, all those years ago, that I'd never amount to anything...maybe they were right.
I'm tired and discouraged beyond anywhere I have been before. May be time to pack in the effort. You work to build morale and remain faithful, and the answer seems to be a massively indifferent and offhanded slap in the face and punch in the gut.
There are points beyond which it hurts too much to walk, and God's promises seem very far away.
But maybe the rainbow that arches over the eastern sky, at this very moment...maybe it has five colours for a reason.
Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.
WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!
He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.
He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.
If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
I have never heard of this song and love Frank Sinatra! But it fits beautifully with what you wrote. Praying for you Andrew.
ReplyDeleteKristina, thank you so much - I knew this song when I was younger, and had forgotten about it. In recent weeks a comment on this blog made me look it up again.
DeleteAnd thank you so much for the prayers.
I'm sorry that you've had a bad week. The rainbow is a promise. Take care of yourself. :)
ReplyDeleteMelinda, thank you so much. The bad week hit its nadir in tragedy, and the abyss is dark. But I'm still here, and that is something, I guess.
DeletePraying for you, Andrew!
ReplyDeleteCindy, thank you so much. What was bad got far worse, and the prayers are sorely needed.
DeleteAndrew, I'm so sorry to read that you've had another tough week physically and mentally. I really don't know what to say except that you're in my prayers every day, whenever I think of it. And...you say you may never amount to anything? Doesn't the enemy love to kick us when we're down! Even as you walk this journey of physically becoming more broken, sharing your words and wisdom is building something. Something new in each one of us whom your life has touched. That amounts to a whole lot!
ReplyDeletePraying that the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Phil.4:7
Katy, thank you so much for this. You've helped me hold my head a bit higher.
DeleteAnd thank you so much for the prayers. They matter far more than you may guess.
Oh, Andrew. I am so sorry someone attacked your character. I'm going to say this in all caps (only because I don't know how to bold in comments ;) ). YOU ARE WORTHWHILE. YOU ARE VALUED. YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE INSPIRING.
ReplyDeleteGod is and has done amazing things through you. He's given you a BIG heart, wide open to compassion for "the least of these." He treasures you beyond words.
You have become far more than your parents could conceive because anyone who says that to a child is small-minded. Do not give into the lies of the enemy. Do not let those words spoken to you dig any deeper into your heart. They. Are. Lies. Period.
Are we capiche? (spelling?)
That being said, I am praying for you, Andrew. May the God of all hope fill you tonight. May He give you strength to believe when all else tells you to doubt. And may He show you His delight in you.
Praying for you, friend.
Yes, may the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace in believing so you can overflow with HOPE by the power of His Spirit. Romans 15.13 YES, LORD. xoxo
DeleteYeah, I also agree.
DeleteFather, we pray Is 35:3 over Andrew that You would STRENGTHEN his tired hands, and ENCOURAGE him who has weak knees. God, say to Andrew's fearful heart, "Be STRONG, Andrew, and DO NOT FEAR, for Your God is coming to destroy your enemies. He is coming to SAVE you."
Praying for you today, my friend!
Shauna
Jeanne, thank you so much for this. It liftsand strengthens my heart. (And I don't know hot to do boldface in comments either). I truly appreciate the encouragement, and will take it to heart.
DeleteSusan and Shauna, thank you for the lovely prayers and the perfect Scriptures. I'm going to copy them onto index cards to carry with me through the day.
I will AMEN what Jeanne said! Praying for you, dear Andrew. Remember you are such an inspiration to us all!
ReplyDeleteGayl, thank you so much for this, and especially for the prayers.
DeleteIf I have any gift of inspiration, it was given by God to be honed in what I have learned as a member of the FMF community.
Great song! Praying you have a gentler week this next week.
ReplyDeleteMollie, thank you so much. And I am delighted that you like the song.
DeleteDon't listen to the liar. You are valued. You are valuable and you give value. You're worth so much you are priceless. God uses you and will continue to use you. Praying that you have a better week, my friend.
ReplyDeleteAnita, thank you for this. I am trying not to listen. Things spiralled from bad to dreadful, and I am praying to find a way to use heartbreak to help others through my words.
DeleteIt's going to be awkward, because the heartbreak was caused by my own negligence...and I was not the one who paid the price.
I so appreciate your prayers!
Jeanne's words get the high-five today. My hubs' parents told him the same thing - you're both heroes in my book. xoxo
ReplyDeleteSusan, thank you for this...so very, very much. xoxoxo back
DeleteAndrew,
ReplyDeleteLast week's prompt was listen. God does not make mistakes. To say that you had no plan or purpose shows ignorance.
I long to remove your pain and illness, but have no ability to do so.
Andrew, when you earn the love of others, that is when you know you have value. Remember Beauty and the Beast? He was so self-consumed that he lacked compassion. Your transformation has been breathtaking on here!
(I guess I'm saying you were a beast when you began. Sorry.) Still, I want to give you a high-FIVE for your perseverance.
Ephesians is full of truth about you.
Here's Chapter 2, verse 10.
"For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
Your faithfulness to show up, even with no strength to comment, is going to earn you a well done! (I prefer medium myself...)
Take heart, Andrew. He is faithful! (And you are a prince in His inheritance)
Love,
Tammy
4 The Sovereign Lord has given me a well-instructed tongue,
Deleteto know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being instructed. Isaiah 50:4 (NIV)
Tammy, thank you so much. You are, of course, right, and the Scriptures you gave solidify that.
DeleteAnd yes, I was a beast when I joined FMF. To a degree I still am.It's not a point of pride, by any means, but rather the necessary acknowledgement that is the only thing that can open the door to change, and healing, and peace.
Love back!
Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. 33 Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. 34 You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. 35 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.
ReplyDelete36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. 37 For,
“In just a little while,
he who is coming will come
and will not delay.”
Hebrews 10:32-37
Tammy, this is PERFECT. "Do not throw away your confidence..."
DeleteYou are truly reading my heart here,and I thank you.
We're all praying for you. You've saved many lives and touched lots of others. As the song says, "When we all get to Heaven What a day of Rejoicing that will be."See you there when the time is right. In the meantime, I know you'll keep fighting a good fight.
ReplyDeleteJan, thank you for this. It's so easy to forget the ood when the ground opens up beneath you and you can smell the sulfur.
DeleteI'll keep trying to fight on. I'm hurt bad, but the only cure is to make that of some use to others.
Andrew, the rainbow is indeed a promise. Remember the story of Noah and the ark. The rainbow was sent as a promise after the rains were over. May you feel rest this week friend. Blessings to you and Barbara always. I'm in the 37 spot this week.
ReplyDeleteTara, thank you...the rainbow is indeed a promise, and the day after I wrote this post, after things had gone far worseand my heart was shattered, there was yet another rainbow, even more brilliant.
DeleteThank you so much for being here.
Andrew, first, you have my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am saddened to hear how horrible your week was. I have, at times, used the word horrible (or felt something was horrible), but it was nothing more than an unpleasant reality. When I imagine how you are suffering and struggling--both physically and emotionally--horrible is truly horrible. My heart aches.
I read the other comments and feel the impact of your words and know how greatly significant your life has been--even in the midst of your suffering.
Keep fighting as best as you can. Your courage to continue is both an inspiration and challenge to us all.
Cheryl, thank you so much for your kind and gracious words. They mean so very much to me right now, and your compassion is a balm to a hurting heart.
DeleteI'll do my best to keep going. The only way to 'redeem' tragedy is tomake bearing it some kind of service to others, and I aim to embrace it, and do just that.
My friend, this is painful to read. It makes the words on my blog seem trite. You can't say what you wish you could say and I'm sure with good reason. Whatever it is, we are sorry. We want you to be well and healthy, to not be broken and taking hits that undermine your sense of self and purpose. You offer much and you ask for little. Your parents were wrong, and you know it. I think we all feel that emotion during times of utter discouragement, when we toy with the idea that we don't matter and never did matter. But it's a bold-faced lie. And it is not unusual for God to feel and seem distant and uncaring.
ReplyDeleteWhy pain? Why suffering? Why others' condemning words? Why no relief? No answers beyond the ones we always say, which still ring true but are inadequate while in the middle of the mess. I do know God has not abandoned you. He never will.
Andrew, you are our friend. We as a community will join in prayer for you. You can count on it. We are to bear one another's burdens. We do this willingly and thankfully.
Be strong and of good courage, Norma
Norma, thank you so much for this lovely, loving, gracious comment. I'm humbled by these words (and the words of all the other commenters).
DeleteBeing part of these online communities is tremendously valuable for someone in my shoes, someone who only 'physically' talks with one person, and that sparingly.
The prayers are what has upheld me; and they are what will see me through this darker passage.
Hi Andrew..I don't know how it feels to be in the pain you are in. But I do know your identity, your character is in how God sees you, not others opinions. Just last night I listened to a speaker who suffers from mental illness and his acronym for hope is Hang On Pain Ends. We don't know when, or how the pain and suffering will change, however my prayer for you is that hope fills your heart, mind and soul to hang on during those really tough moments. You matter..
ReplyDeleteLynn, thank you, and I love the acronym. It will go up on the refrigerator.
DeleteI so appreciate your being here.
Perhaps it's all been said; yet I echo what those before me have said...YOU ARE WORTHWHILE; YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE...and YOU ARE WORTHWHILE...And that rainbow, whether it has five colors or seven or...how many DOES a rainbow have?...it IS God's promise; and, remember, there are MANY promises in His Word...His promise to you? That's between you and your God!!! Hugs continue for you and Barb; and prayers as well!
ReplyDeleteOn a "happier" note: I received the FMF book yesterday and was very please to see you were also included in the numbers who contributed! Thank you always for your words; especially in this series!! {{HUGS}}
Barbara, thank you so much for the prayers and {{hugs}}. They are appreciated more than you may guess.
DeleteAnd His promises do hold firm. It can be all too easy to turn away in despair...but that would be my choice, and not His action.
So I won't turn away.
Thank you so much for being here.
...and yet you still made your way here to encourage all of us? Sounds like someone with Divine purpose to me!!! Not sure you realize sir, just how deep this goes. Please know that we are blessed by you and that we are standing together in prayer just for you.
ReplyDeleteTondra, thank you so much for saying this. When overwhelmed it can be too easy to lose sight of the landscape of hope, and I started to do that.
DeleteThis community keeps me going, and that's a fact.
I am so very grateful for your presence here today.
Marie, thank you for this. It's easy to forget when everything goes dark. I will keep myself reminded, and will indeed be looking for rainbows.
ReplyDeleteThere is hope in the heartache.
Often the emotional and relational blows of life are harder and more painful than the physical ones, Andrew. I'm so sorry to hear this! And let me just say that you have amounted to so much for so many! Don't let that tempting discouragement mislead and discourage you, my friend. Rest assured that you are an inspiration to us all.
ReplyDeleteBeth, thank you so much. It has been tempting to let discouragement rule, but so far...I'm not. It is a hard fight.
DeleteAndrew, ability to keep writing...miraculous. You are a miracle. We love you and how you teach us to show up. God be with you, friend.
ReplyDeleteChristina, your words mean SO much right now. All I can say is a very, very heartfelt THANK YOU!
DeleteAndrew, ability to keep writing...miraculous. You are a miracle. We love you and how you teach us to show up. God be with you, friend.
ReplyDeleteandrew, i'm sad to hear you have had another week of HARD! Jesus' words can be comforting: Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest...He is One who takes on the weak and weary and comforts and gives rest to them/us. praying for you and your wife this week.
ReplyDelete