The word this week is HEAL.
I'm kind of a failure as a patient, and I am letting Barbara down badly.
There's a lovely song by Casting Crowns, Broken Together. You've probably heard it, but here it is -
It should fit this season well, but it doesn't, because I can't go there. I'm not broken; I can't be broken.
And therein lies the rub; I'm taking away from my wife to be a healing presence, to hold me in my fear and heartbreak. She deserves that.
Instead she gets jokes I make at my own expense, and when she says she's sorry that I'm so sick, my stock answer is -
"Could be worse. I could be slow, soft and ugly."
For m, it's natural and indeed necessary. For her, it's a loss, because in my 'harder than pain, harder than death' focus, I'm losing the ability to receive softness...and I'm taking from her the ability to give it.
Break, break.
And as I was writing this - ahead of time - things changed. Barbara's beloved 18-year-old 3-legged Rottie, Mocha Java, just passed away. And even though I can't be broken, I could give her a safe place to be devastated.
That's something, I suppose. A kind of healing that a hard man can still give.
Please pray for her, won't you?
Illness is only a part of life, and the rest becomes far more precious when it might be lost.
Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.
WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!
He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.
He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.
If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteoh I am so sorry for Barbara and her loss of such a sweet (mochas are too sweet for me) pup. I'm thankful that you can comfort her, as I know that gives you a sense of being needed and useful.
You are so honest in this post. *wink* And still a stubborn heel. You don't like to receive but you like to give. There still is a time to be comforted and I hope you'll have those moments, however brief, when you allow yourself to power down the shields and just "be".
Part of healing is admitting that something needs to be healed. What are you protecting right now? ;)
Okay, I'll stop probing.
Prayers for B for sure, and love to you both!
Love,
Tammy
P.S. Linked at #7.
DeleteGlad you gave it to him straight Tam' I knew you would.
DeleteTammy, you're very perceptive. There are things I'm protecting. I'm very well aware of some of them, and there are others I only dimly see. But your thesis here is absolutely right, that a part of healing - a big part - is acceptance and...ugh, I hate this word...vulnerability.
DeleteGoing to have to wash the keyboard after writing that, as I am, and ever shall be, invulnerable. And thereby, in a very real sense, doomed.
I may write about this one day. You've thrown down a gauntlet; heaven forfend that I don't pick it up. You always challenge me, Tammy.
And thank you so much for the prayers. I have a houseful of very depressed critters (that includes The B). Strawberry wants me to put Mocha's collar on her. She keeps trying to slip her head into it (it's on the Wall Of Honour).
Lifting you and Barb up in prayers, my friend. You are needed.
ReplyDeleteAnita, thank you so much for this. For most of my life I have been expendable; adjusting to beeing needed is harder than anything I've done, and this reassurance helps more than you may know. It's not an ego-prop; it's changing my paradigm.
DeleteAwe Andrew... You sound so loving and caring. I'm sure you're going better than you realize. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteI'm visiting from the Five Minute Friday Community.
My post is here:
https://awifesreflections.wordpress.com/2016/09/08/five-minute-friday-heal
Kimberly, thank you so much for this. I'm doing my best; and I guess for all of us, the view we have says it's not enough when it may actually be something pretty good.
DeleteThank you so much for being here!
This is so manly man beautiful: "I could give her a safe place to be devastated. That's something, I suppose. A kind of healing that a hard man can still give." In my house, with all my boys to men, it's so hard for them to receive softness with minor illnesses and broken bones, but this - this shows how men give so eloquently. I'm so sorry your wife's loss. Praying for her! Shalom, Andrew! ~Maryleigh
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this, Maryleigh (may I say that's a lovely name?).
DeleteI lived a life on the hardest edge, in which an impalement was gist for some pretty robust humour (I've been impaled, shot, stabbed, blown up, burned...etc). It's not a bad thing - and sometimes necessary for survival - but when it becomes a paradigm rather than a tool this attitude can eventually cut off compassion and the ability to receive love. So I am trying to learn. By very slow degrees.
And thank you so much for the sympathy for Barbara's loss. She appreciates the support more than she can say.
Beautiful and thought-provoking. So sorry for Barbara's loss- I'm glad you have been able to be there to comfort her. Praying for her, and for you.
ReplyDeleteLesley, thank you so much, for the prayers, and for your sympathy for Barbara. She's having a rough time; 18 years is longer than she's known me.
DeleteIt gives me insight on the men in my life. I have always thought that if a man joked around while I was trying to talk about a serious topic, that "he didn't want to go there", but maybe I was wrong. Maybe the person couldn't go there. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
ReplyDelete'Mom to 3'...thank you for this. My feeling is that when a man jokes about something serious it's really bothering him. He's protecting something he's afraid to expose.
DeleteThank you so much for being here!
OH BARB, I, and so many others I'm sure, are so very sorry to hear this sad news. Please know we "get it" and sorrow with you. Now, YOU, Andrew, I am going to scold. I believe as a caregiver your Barbara's love language is "acts of service" which means she WANTS TO HELP YOU. And you need to allow that. DO YOU HEAR? Just break a little and allow her to be the glue of mending. I'm not saying this nicely and sweet. I am saying it in your face with my index finger wagging in your nose. Yes...Lord. xo
ReplyDeleteSusan, barb appreciates the thoughts, very, very much. It's hard.
DeleteAnd yes, 'Andrew' hears you. You're absolutely right, and I will try. It's not easy, but worthwhile things never are, and I owe this to her.
XOXOXOWAGGYwagWAGGY back at you WOOF!
Oh brother, I am praying for you and for Barbara! So sorry for the loss of Mocha Java. I spent the afternoon with our girlie's little Corgi pup. We are new to the whole canine world. We have had a cat for all of her growing up years but oh my how those little puppies can wiggle their way right in to your heart! Mocha lives on there, in both of your hearts, I am sure of that! Blessings to you both!
ReplyDeleteKarrilee, thank you so much...and yes, Micha does live on, and will be waiting for Barb at the end of that fabled Rainbow Bridge. For how could it be heaven without dogs?
DeleteCorgis! I love them. Zig Ziglar wrote a lovely book, "Conversations With My Dog" about his Corgi, Laffy Taffy. I'd highly recommend it, and even more the audio-book. It's wonderful.
Thanks so much for being here!
I'm sorry for the loss of Mocha Java.... It is so hard to let others help us heal, isn't it? Prayers for you all!
ReplyDeleteAnnie, thank you so much! And yes, it hard to let others help us heal...it involves that terrifying word and concept, "vulnerability".
DeleteYikes!
Thanks so much for being here!
I have constantly been praying for you and your wife all day when God lays you guys on my heart. I am not an animal person but I do know some who are and it is sad to see them loose their good friends. Will continue to pray sincerely, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteKristina, I sincerely appreciate this...thank you so much for these kind and loving thoughts, and for your prayers!
DeletePraying for you both, Andrew!
ReplyDeleteXO
Tammy
Tammy, thank you so much for the prayers!
DeleteXO back, from both of us.
Well, all of us; I am dealing with a houseful of extremely depressed dogs (and cats) who miss their matriarch terribly.
Andrew, loss is so hard even loss of pets. I remember a seminary professor saying, "Funerals are truly for the living..to help them heal and grieve." Oh and I like that Casting Crowns song. I'm in the 59 spot this week.
ReplyDeleteTara, you're so right. Grieving is the key that opens the door to healing. I have dealt with a LOT of death - I had to bury pieces of friends who got blown up - and compartmentalizing it didn't help at all.
DeleteAllowing the experience of grief is like keeping a wound open and allowing it to heal from within. It's hard, and it can hurt, but it's the only path to a 'healthy scar'.
Thank you so much for being here!
How we long for the day when there will be no more death. Blessings and peace to you and Barbara. It saddened me to read she lost a dear one. They really do become part of our families. Stopping by from FMF!
ReplyDeleteI long for that day too, Leigh. But I've had near-death experiences; I've been to Heaven, and I have come back.
DeleteIt is not everything we hope for - it's far more than that. And I could tell Barbara, in the confidence of sure knowledge, that Mocha Java - and her mother, Jean - are not 'waiting' for her. Heaven doesn't run on Earth time. For them, she's already there.
Thanks so much for being here!
Oh, Andrew, my heart goes out to Barbara. See, you're not so hard that you couldn't comfort her. God still has plans for you here, I think. May He comfort you both at this time. It's hard to lose a loyal pet you have loved so well. And this "Illness is only a part of life, and the rest becomes far more precious when it might be lost." I need to remember this. I'm later this time in the #73 spot.
ReplyDeleteGayl, thank you so much for this! We so appreciate your kind and loving thoughts.The distress knocked Barb's immune system down, and now she's fighting a nasty cold. Antibiotics and codeine and steroids as well as sorrow.
DeleteThanks so much for being here!
So sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from Five-Minute Friday.
Linda Ann at Nickers and Ink <><
Linda, thank you We truly appreciate your being here.
DeleteAnd love the horse in your thumbnail picture - reminds me of an equine friend I had.
So sorry to hear about Barb's Rottie...hugs to her and prayers continue for both of you...such a hard season for both of you!
ReplyDeleteBarbara, thank you for this, and for the prayers. It got harder yesterday as Barb developed a really bad cold, and is truly miserable
DeleteThe hugs and prayers are so appreciated!
It doesn't sound like you're failing Barbara, Andrew. At least not in this bonding moment over your mutual grief. I'm so very sorry for the pain that you two continue to encounter day after day, loss after loss. Barbara is certainly in my prayers, my friend as are you.
ReplyDeleteBeth, first and foremost, thank you for the prayers. We believe in their power and grace.
DeleteI try not to fail; perhaps a saving quality is that I know my limitations, and try to compensate for them. There's no way to be 'vulnerable'...ugh, that WORD!...but I'm learning to at least give an honest reading of how I'm doing, and not dismissing a truly lousy day as 'good to go'.
It's a start, I guess.
Thank you so much for being here!
Marie, she is very grateful, as am I. She's got a truly vicious cold atop the sorrow. The prayers are so welcome.
ReplyDeleteIt's something I am learning, bit by bit: that sometimes others need us to need them -- sometimes my expressed neediness is what can help someone else. Even when I don't feel or want to feel needy.....
ReplyDeleteStacey, that's brilliant. That expressed neediness (that we don't WANT to express!) can help others is exactly right. Thank you so much for these powerful, honest words!
DeleteGod's comfort to your wife Barbara and His abounding abundant grace to you, to allow you to receive what she offers. Visiting from FMF.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the love and prayers...and for being here.
DeleteI'm joining you and others in prayer for Barbara and also for you. I pray you both always sense a soft place to land in God. Love and hugs!
ReplyDeleteMary, thank you so much...a soft place to land. Yes. I hope I always offer that.
DeleteLove and hugs back!
Wrapping you both up in prayer, Andrew. I'm catching up on last weeks post. Thanks for visiting me last week for #fmf. Your post makes me wonder if I too can be better at receiving. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing your journey with us. Hugs.
ReplyDelete