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Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Your Dying Spouse 212- I Promise This

We're linked with Messy Marriages From Messes To Messages. Please visit for some great marriage resources.

After the culmination is sorrow and loss of the last horrible week (details to follow, perhaps Friday...some details), I was bereft.

Hated myself; still do. (I know that God loves me.)

Couldn't forgive myself; still can't. (I know that God forgives me.)

Wanted to quit; still do. (And God won't let me quit.)

However, my feet have been held to the fire and I have been forced to promise several things -

  • I won't kill myself. While I really don't want to live, suicide is the coward's way out.
  • I won't turn away from God.After all, He didn't screw up. I did.
  • I won't quit writing.
The last one's the hardest, really, because what happened has destroyed the 'meaning' behind my words. It's wrecked the personal mythology I built up about what made up my own value.

Yes, I know I'm valuable to God; I get that, and don't seriously doubt it. But right now it doesn't translate into temporal self-respect.

This site won't go dark, but it's a changed person behind the keyboard. I learned an important lesson, and it's torn me loose from what I was.

Hopefully something better will grow. But that is not, in the end, important.

What is important is that I find a way to make some good from something truly and irrevocably bad. Not good for me; good for you.

As a musical theme, the old 60s song "One Tin Soldier" has been running through my mind. Interestingly, a psychologist with whom I worked once said that this song reminded her of me, that I was the tin soldier, who, on that bloody morning after, rode away.

She meant it as a compliment. I have to be harder thn ever, now, to make sense of this.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.


He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.


  1. Andrew,
    oh the curiosity grows. Why could/would you hate yourself? What error could cause you to despise living so? That you would not want to live with yourself? That you presume nobody else would want to live with you if you can't live with you?
    Sure, we don't know. You don't even owe us, really, the details.

    Can I tell you though? You did it. You broke that rotten egg called pride WIDE open! Isn't it horrible? It reminds me of when Jesus asks them to roll away the stone to Lazarus' tomb. They don't want to. "But Lord, he stinketh."

    This was me. In the very recent past. God was opening that pride "boil" that was festering. For some reason, I think being descriptive here will make you feel better. Forgive me, all the rest of you.

    See, we have this illusion of bathing and deodorant and perfume and cologne that makes us think we're not dying. We are dying.
    But, we can die to pride and embrace that sin dying as well.
    Jesus said "it is finished".

    So when that pride was revealed in me recently...eeew. I was so ashamed! This, though. This ashamed, broken, can't lift our heads because we're at the bottom? This is the one who can receive it ALL. The grace. The mercy. You see a debt that needs payment. And you're broke.

    You are not pretending. I won't gloss over errors, Andrew, but you're being real here. That's what keeps people coming back. We have been championing you for two years. We're not quitting on you. Even if you were horrible. You feel guilty. That's a good sign.

    Just please, a gentle loving word. Jesus was already crucified for this one. Please don't climb back up on that cross.


    1. P.S. I think Satan is crouched down, whispering lies to you. Please watch this video. Listen to the words. Let truth ring clear.
      Peter became the Rock on which Christ built his church. You are still a kingdom player, sir. The more humiliation we endure, the more humbly we allow Him to be glorified in us. Not understanding his fascination with us flawed humans, but eternally grateful. :)

    2. Tammy, thank you so much for these kind, loving, and faith-filled words.

      You are, of course, right, in that the greatest injury was to pride. I didn't meet my obligations, and the consequences - visited on another - were terrible.

      Would I treat Barbara the way I'm feeling toward myself, had this been on her? No, of course not, and I'm thus violating "love thy neighbour AS thyself".

      I won't climb back onto the cross, but I will find a way to make this all make sense. Writing's the only way to do that.

      And thank you for the video link!

  2. Praying fervently! Believing and hoping you find yourself worthy. Finally your writing is an important voice that needs to be heard. Your raw vulnerability never fails to teach me. Blessings!

    1. Mary, thank you so much. Right now it's hard to feel worthy of anything, but the 'feeling' isn't necessary for the duty...and the duty is to write this out and find the deeper lessons that can be shared.

      It's going to hurt, but I will be there.

  3. Yup, what Tammy said. But I get the feelings and understand the self-loathing. I pray healing over that. It only hurts you and makes us want to grope for the magic words, of which there are none. So I take to singing, Jesus loves you this I know for the bible tells me so...and dogs run free in the fields of heaven. xo

    1. Susan, your last few words made me cry. Good tears, but sad ones too, because I would kind of like to be there now.

      And there are no magic words, except for there.

      "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."

      xo back to you, my friend

  4. Oh, Andrew, you almost make me cry. I can't begin to imagine how hard life is for you and Barb. You keep showing up. You keep being real. You admit your struggles. You still hang on to the truth that God has forgiven and He loves you. He has a reason for your continuing to be here. You may not see it, but He does. Please hang on to Him. Give him all your sorrows and let Him bring you peace. This is a beautiful song by Michael Card: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mg91IWQuvJc It's called "Come Lift Up Your Sorrows."

    1. Gayl, thank you for these lovely words. I'm so grateful.

      Showing up the past few days has been hard, but harder still would have been to turn my back on the need for learning, and for trying to help others where I can, through my writing. It's all I've got.

      I'm trusting God to give me the words and the strength to keep going.

      And thank you so much for the lovely song!

  5. You are a courageous hero. Courage doesn't mean not being afraid. It means doing the right thing in spite of your fear. And I won't stop praying for you.

    1. Jan, your words and prayers humble me, and I am so very, very grateful.

  6. While I hurt for your pain & suffering, Andrew, I must say this. As a momma who has lost a son to suicide I disagree with your statement that "suicide is a coward's way out". In my heart of hearts I don't believe that Shane was a coward. I think he was just convinced that his life wasn't ever going to get any better and he thought the people in his life would be better off without him. I'm praying for you still, friend.

    1. Lynette, I apologise for those words. I had not right to say that; it was something, a moto statement, that was hammered into me in training, because it was recognized that we 'schoolboys' might one day find ourselves in a situation in which we might be tempted to kill ourselves. Please, please accept my apology. My words were very wrong.

      And please accept my gratitude for your prayers.

  7. Andrew, my friend, we ALL have "screwed up"; we all make mistakes, and perhaps those mistakes end up hurting (or inconveniencing?) others...yet, we must bounce back the best we can, and go forward! I am happy to hear your "3 promises"...and that you WILL continue your life and continue to share your words - your heart and soul...you are appreciated and loved and prayers are continuing...always!

  8. I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a heart-wrenching piece and although I know it's incredibly difficult, try not to be so hard on yourself. You didn't intend for that to happen. Tragedies happen and you are suffering enough. Peace and blessings to you and your wife.