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Thursday, May 31, 2018

Your Dying Spouse 480 - This Is Where I Live {FMF}

This was originally written as something very different, a rather elegiac meditation on the broken dreams that surround one at the end of life.

A bit wistful, a bit hopeful, and a lot resigned and accepting.

And then...there was this conversation:

Me: "It's getting hard to see a version of this where I come out alive."
Reply: "That's because there isn't any."

Over there, red flag.

Over here, bull. Really pissed-off bull.

I don't do resigned. I've got pancreatic cancer and am highly symptomatic for non-Hodgkins lymphoma. Pain's overwhelming (abdomen and chest and lymph nodes in the groin) and prognosis is bleak but that's no reason to quit.

The odds are against me. Fine, that means a bigger Vegas payout when I win.

The cost in pain is too high. As my dear wife has told me, pain is weakness being forced from the body, and blood makes the grass grow green.

You're too weak now, to fight. So I get stronger. I have a chinning bar, and I can do pushups. Lots of chin-ups, lots of pushups. With each arm, individually.

Three near-death events in a three week period...God's calling you home. He's going to have to wait. I'm BUSY.

Let this life go, and look to Heaven! Heaven can wait. This, supporting Barb and the dogs, and giving encouragement to my friends, THIS is my post. I'm not leaving. How can I be fit for Heaven if I didn't give every last measure of devotion here?

You can't win. This is the bourn from beyond which there is no return.

Watch Me.

One of the dreams about which I'd written in that 'other' post as to visit my favourite place, Chicago, the Emerald City (and setting for my novel Emerald Isle) with Barbara.

We'll get there. Don't know how. But I know we will.

Appropriately, here's Aliotta, Haynes, and Jeremiah with their lovely and magical Lake Shore Drive. The phrase 'LSD' isn't a drug reference; Lake Shore Drive was LSD long before lysergic acid was formulated.

And check out the hair and moustaches on these guys!


Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.

I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.


WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
















27 comments:

  1. keeping running Andrew, keep running. The fight to run is part of the battle. And it's not over until the chin-ups stop. :)

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    1. Annette, thank you so much for this lovely affirmation! I will keep going, and as long as I can get the beard over the bar, I'm good to go.

      LOVED your post this week, by the way. Awesome!

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  2. A,
    I sent your link via Twitter to a local friend of ours who was recently diagnosed with cancer, T. He is a Believer but not a practicing faith guy. I think this cancer has rocked his family and friends big time. It was sudden, and the treatments have been hard. He is married and has two kids. The docs and hospitals are not pleasant from what we can gather. Please pray for him, and hopefully he'll visit your blog and find some comfort in your candid hilarity for a tough topic...life. Jenn, From FMF

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    1. Jenn, please forgive my very late reply. I'm so sorry for your friend; docs and hospitals are not a nice way to go these days. Very cold and impersonal in many cases. I will pray for him.

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    1. Patricia, please forgive my delay in replying, and thank you so much for the prayers!

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  4. Your strength is so hopeful, Andrew. I'm glad you're still writing, still living, still finding that hope.

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    1. Annie, thank you so much! I'm glad to be here, too...and please excuse the tardiness of my reply.

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  5. A BIGGER VEGAS PAYOUT WHEN I WIN... I love this! I found myself bobbing in my seat and rising my fist to the air. YES, YES, YES! (I replied to a comment you left a couple of weeks ago, do you follow David Wenzel? Whenever I read your stuff you remind me of him!)

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    1. Misty, thank you! LOVE your comment...and I am so honoured that I remind you of David Wenzel. He's one cool bloke. (And please excuse my delay in replying!)

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  6. Always prayer for you and your fight for God here.

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    1. Debbie, I appreciate the prayers more than I can say )and please excuse the late reply).

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  7. I can understand why Chicago is your dream; what a great city. For what it's worth, you're there in my mind/spirit with Barb right now. I can almost smell the deep dish pizza. Love and prayers to you.

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    1. Paula, I figure that if Heaven isn't like Chicago...then how can it be Heaven? All the way down to the pizza!

      Many, many thanks for the love and prayers; these are very hard days. And I'm sorry for the late reply.

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  8. Accepting isn't the same as resigning or giving up. May God grant you the time and comfort to be able to live the life you need to live right now. And I hope you get to Chicago. Prayers to you and Barbara (and Marley).

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  9. My favorite part of this is Barbara's "blood makes the grass grow green." We had a defensive cheer in high school like that: "Blood makes the grass grow...hit! hit!" I thought nothing of it, but when I've shared it with others (who didn't grow up in we-take-our-football-seriously Texas country), they're appalled by that sentiment! Oh well. We went to state our senior year — without bloodshed.

    My husband and I recently went to Chicago for the first time, and I can see why you enjoy it. Millennial Park was beautiful, the Art Institute was amazing, and the architectural cruise we took was fascinating. And the pizza...yum!

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  10. Grateful to see you are still with us. Praying for you & Barb as you continue to fight.

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  11. Andrew, I love your strength and determination and your willingness to keep going. It always inspires me!

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  12. Carry on. "You're amazing," respectfully said the friend.

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  13. I like the music. I like Chicago, hubs and I went in an 18-wheeler (when he was driving rigs)...I like you. I like Barb. I like this post. xo aarf

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  14. My great uncle lived on Lakeshore Drive when I was a kid, but I never saw it. Thanks for the video.

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  15. Keep on dreaming! What an inspiration that you keep on giving no matter your circumstances!

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  16. Always so inspired by your words, Andrew.

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  17. Andrew, there is never any fair was in to quit, is there? Push ups with one arm? Really? I can't do one with two. And chin ups? Haha? God bless you! You inspire so many!! Prayers!

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  18. always so grateful to read your post.. keeping you in prayers!

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  19. I'm amazed by your ability to stay strong while your body is slowly strangled by cancer, Andrew! You keep hanging in there (literally! ha!) and I'll keep on praying and asking God to give you many more opportunities to write and even travel!

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  20. Running the race set before you! Keep running! Chicago is a fun city. My sister and I did our sisters trip there last August. Finally got around to linking up this week. I'm in the 69 spot!

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