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Thursday, August 17, 2017

Your Dying Spouse 351 - This Will All Be Over Soon {FMF}

This is another FMF post that almost wasn't written.

Last night I went out to look at the sunset, and couldn't get back to the house. My pancreas went into spasm, and the pain prevented me from moving. I just stood there, to weak even to call for help.

Fortunately Barb was home, and she was able to help me back to shelter. Baby steps, and each one like a dagger.

She was sad. I used to be able to run, to hike, to climb to build. And now this.

It's been a long fall, and it's going to get worse.

But I am surprised to find that I have no need for sadness. Surprised, because I've lost so much...shouldn't I mourn?

No, I shouldn't.

First, I'm grateful for the life I've had. I have a wonderfully loving and supportive wife, who is patient with all of the necessary accommodations that terminal illness requires. She wishes she could do more, but she does everything she can.

My friends - you guys, reading this - have been both support and inspiration. Your prayers and help have meant more to me than I can ever say.

My dreams have generally not come true, but better things have happened. I wanted to have a life of flying, and got some of that, but more was sacrificed to keep a large group of dogs healthy, happy, and safe. Welive near an airfield, and I look up daily to watch the aeroplanes overhead, but am brought back to what has truly mattered by cold noses and wagging tails. Aeroplanes can't love you back; dogs can.

I've had some influence through writing, with a couple of novels, a couple of short non-fiction books, and this blog. People have written and said that my words helped them, people from all over the world. I am so grateful to have had that opportunity, even if my slow death has been an integral part of what I've written.

The days are good, even with pain and nausea and other stuff. I can;t focus on reading as much, but I find comfort in re-reading books I've loved...and we have a local library that has a good collection of VDs. Can't watch fore than 20-30 minutes at a time because, again, I lose focus. But right now I am working my way through the remake of Ben-Hur, and savouring it. (Better than the original, in my view.)

And occasionally I can take hacksaw to metal and fabricate one more part for the aeroplane upon which I have not given up. One part, yes, but that's one part less to build.

I'm too busy enjoying life to be sad.

And perhaps the happiest thing is the hope and the knowing, inside my heart, that there is someone out there who will step into my shoes and into Barbara's heart, a good Christian man who will help her walk through the sorrow, and who will love our canine family.

And who will help her feel love and hope again.

And I hope I meet him before I die.

It seems that this will all be over soon; I will have to step away from the blog (but not FMF!) to try to put it into some coherence so that others may benefit from it an an e-book.

And then, it will be time to say Goodbye.

But not today. Not quite yet.

So...music! How about the Fab Four and the original video of Yellow Submarine?



I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.



Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.










65 comments:

  1. Isn't it amazing how their music changed over the years? I listened to all of it. I still remember buying the little 45 of "Revolution" and playing it over and over and over.....

    This post has kind of caught me in an off moment for some reason. (Maybe because I realized halfway through the day that my Dad died 5 years ago today; that's my blog post I'm working on and boy is it tough... had to take a few minutes break and showed up here.) I'm not sure what to say. I know the falling is going to be hard for you, but remember that at the end Jesus will catch you. And He will be right there to catch Barbara and guide her on new paths. Of those things, I am certain.

    I doubt I'll be able to say goodbye when the time comes. I hate that word. Maybe I'll just say the first part of what my 9-year-old granddaughter and I do when we part...

    See ya later alligator. ��

    Prayers through it all for you guys.

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    1. Diana, first,please let me tell you that you are in our prayers. An anniversary of a loss is tough, and writing about it can be an ordeal.

      I know Jesus is waiting to catch me, and to guide Barbara. I feel His presence in our lives more and more each day. We're not alone, and never have been.

      I'm so glad you liked the musical choice, and I think I had that very same 45!

      I don't like goodbyes either. See you later, alligator will work just fine.

      Because I WILL see you later.

      Prayers appreciated; and needed.

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  2. Praying for you and Barb and the four-legged people, Andrew. May God continue to guide you as you continue your journey (I just finished reading Ben Hur for the first time this summer--powerful!).

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    1. Anita, thank you so much for this lovely and powerful prayer. We are, all of us, grateful.

      I've never read Ben-Hur...have to put it on my list!

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  3. I'm glad you are still here, but I'm sorry it has to be through so much pain. Your writing is a blessing to me. I am always inspired and challenged, and you make me smile.

    What a fun song! I have never seen the original video for Yellow Submarine. Too fun!

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    1. Aw, Rachel...you really touched my heart with this comment. Thank you so much!

      In a way I do cherish the pain, because it gives me a place to write from, bona fides that the message of hope I try to write comes from a real place. I went the morphine etc route before I could no longer tolerate the stuff, and the message then would have been more diluted. Does that make sense?

      So glad you enjoyed the song and video!

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  4. Oh, Andrew. Again, your perspective. Your outlook amazes and humbles me. I am truly beyond thankful for the wisdom you share here, and your honest, real perspective.

    And that song? Took me back to road trips iwth my parents and my sisters. We would sing that song (at least the chorus) as we drove across miles of this country. Such fun!

    I continue to pray for you, Barb, and the dogs, my friend.

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    1. Jeanne, I don't now what to say. I am so honoured by your words!

      So glad that Yellow Submarine brought back good memories! It did for us, too.

      We all are so grateful for your prayers, and they are ever-more-needed. Things are looking kind of bad for me.

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  5. enjoy your life Andrew.. whatever is left of it. You've lived it well!

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    1. Thank you so much, Annette...and I loved your poem that you posted for your FMF post. Awesome.

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  6. Still inspired by your love of life and for others (human and otherwise).

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    1. Amber, thank you so much...that means a lot. In these difficult days in my country, I am more convinced than ever that love is the only thing that can displace hate.

      So glad you're here today!

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  7. Prayers-not just now, but through each day when God brings you to mind. Your joy in life shines through the darkness of pain. And you make it obvious, Jesus is your joy. You and Barb are a light shining for Him. ((Hugs))-gentle ones-to both of you.

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    1. Debbie yes, Jesus is our joy, and I LOVE the way you put it, that we are shining for Him!

      Your prayers and gentle hugs are very appreciated.

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  8. Andrew,
    You are fighting your battle with gladness in your heart. This speaks louder than words or nausea or spasms of pain or dark sleepless nights. And you do find the words to speak it into the air. I have and still continue to learn from and savour your words. Though they are keyed on a screen, I can somehow hear them.
    Can't promise to write this week but have a few new poems you may enjoy on mehflowers.wordpress.com. Take care this week and know you are held close.

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    1. Mary, yes, there is gladness. I have so very much for which to be grateful, and my cup is overflowing.

      So glad that my words mean something to you. That's really important to me!

      I'll be heading over to look at the poetry - thanks for the link!

      And I do feel held close.

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  9. I think of you often - and of course on Fridays. Andrew - you are such an inspiration and God is using you - and will continue to use you - to help heal and guide others. Prayers for you and Barb. Lots and lots of prayers. You are officially on my daily prayer list. Lifting you up now.

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    1. Gosh, Sarah, thank you so much! I'm so honoured. We really appreciate the prayers...and being on a prayer list is very important and comforting. Thank you for that.

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  10. I'm too busy enjoying life to be sad.

    Andrew- this is the crux of the matter. To live each day as if it were your last here on earth, to enjoy what God has granted us and look forward to eternity with Him, where there will be no more pain or crying! Finish strong, He is waiting for you with arms open wide!

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    1. Carol, I love the way you put this, and the image of God waiting with His arms open wide...well, you just brought tears to my eyes. I love the way you put it so much!

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  11. Don't you dare leave without saying Good-bye. Promise? (((xoxo)))

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    1. Susan, I promise. No leave-taking without a goodbye.

      (((XOXOXOWaggyWaggyWOOF!)))

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  12. An e-book? You are so go "getter" yeehaw Andrew! You are always thinking of others first and this is what kicks me in the butt at times. What an outlook you have. Those dogs and Barb are blessed. I am glad you are still here with us. Praying for Barb and you both.

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    1. Meg, wow...thank you so much! You really shone a light into a hard evening. I hope I'm a blessing to B and the dogs, because they have blessed me so much, and continue every day.

      We sure appreciate the prayers...and need them. It's hard.

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  13. You are such a source of inspiration, even in the thick of it. How you see life with the glass half full and continue to encourage others on their journey. You brought a smile to my face with this song. So a flash from the past! I know holds you close, Barb and your doggies too. Hang in there Andrew, you have some fight left.

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    1. barbie, thank you so much for the kind words, and I am so glad you enjoyed the song! It's one of my favourites.

      I'll hang in there. The game isn't over yet.

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  14. What beauty in the gentleness of being led, Andrew. To rely on Barbara and the love and care she is giving you honors her and gives her life so much purpose.
    You have been humbled, and you have willingly embraced the humility that has been brought to you. What an honor to have walked alongside you these last two years and seen this transformation of God completely overhauling you from the inside out. Just as Joseph said, what was intended for evil, God is using for good.
    Though you have a great opportunity to be swallowed by bitterness and a lust for revenge, hate has no hold on your heart. This testimony alone? Well done, Thou good and faithful servant!
    I do not wish you to leave, but I long for your freedom from pain.
    Much love and prayer,
    Tammy

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    1. Tammy, the honour's mine, to receive your words and to have the warm company of your friendship and love.

      And I am honoured to have been thought worthy of humbling, and to receive the grace of that humility. Does that make sense?

      There's no room for hate when your heart's filled with love received and poured out to give. Love in the heart is like a stream, always full, yet always replenished. Hate's stagnant.

      In an odd way, Tammy, the pain IS freedom. The freedom to let go, and to fully embrace the fragile transient beauty of life.

      Thank you so much for the prayers. Love back, from all of us!

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  15. I'm glad you're still here, Andrew, but I hate that you're in so much pain. I'm always inspired by your perspective and I know that you are a blessing to many others as well. Praying for you and Barbara.

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    1. Lesley, thank you so much...the pain isn't much fun but it is a liberation from all the temporal concerns that used to hold me. I'm grateful for that.

      Many thanks for the prayers - we appreciate and need them.

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  16. The perspective you have on life and death is quite impressive, Andrew. Thank you for sharing. You are in my prayers.

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    1. Thank you, Katha, and may I say that I've learned a lot from your perspective, as well? Seeing life through the eyes of a TCK is both inspiring and illuminating. I was kind of a TCA, but as a grownup it's really not the same.

      Thank you so much for the prayers. This day has been rough, and they are needed.

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  17. I'm glad it's not quite time to say goodbye yet. You continue to amaze, inspire and even convict with your words. "I'm too busy enjoying life to be sad." Wow, I think I'm going to adopt that as my mantra. We can't be sad if we keep looking for things to enjoy each day. Rather than focus on how bad things are we can find even small things to be grateful for, as you have taught us so well.

    Blessings and peace and comfort to you, dear Andrew. May you and Barb feel his strength and healing. <3

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    1. Gayl, you're so right...and it needs to be intentional, we have to LOOK for the things that bring joy, and learn to recognize them in the dark.

      We do feel His Presence, and His Strength and healing are always manifest.

      Thank you so much!

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  18. We love the Beatles at our house! Thanks for your words today, Andrew; I am always amazed at how you encourage others even in the middle of your suffering.

    I recorded a song for you (and all of us) on my post today. It didn't have much to do with "speak," but I thought the words were appropriate, and the time seemed right. God bless.

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    1. Jeannie, as I write this reply I'm listening to "Here, There and Everywhere"!

      I so appreciate your being here, and your kind words, and I will be heading to your place soon. Looking forward to it!

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  19. I'm so glad it's not time to say goodbye yet. Please don't leave without saying goodbye. I'm not sure my heart could handle that. Praying for Barb, you and the four legged friends too. You, brother, are a gift. I'm thankful God crossed our paths through FMF! I'm in the 55 spot this week.

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    1. Tara, I won't go without saying goodbye. I promise. But it will only be a temporary thing, a "see ya later", because you'll literally be stuck with me as a forever friend, in Heaven.

      You're a gift too, dear heart (and HUGE congrats for you!)

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  20. Andrew, I continue to admire your unselfish spirit, wit, and trust in the midst of such pain and uncertainty. May tonight be a comfortable one for you. Praying...

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    1. Susan, thank you so much. Your words do me great honour, and give me great joy!

      And I am so very grateful for your prayers.

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  21. Thank you as always for your words. I have been struggling with the fading (for now) of a dream -- not knowing if I will ever make it back to NYC (my happy place) -- and your words about the airplanes touched me related to that. Thank you for this gift of perspective.

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    1. Paula, I hope that you will be able to continue believing in that dream. Not for the arrival (which will surely be Big-Apple-Grand!) but for the learning the journey gives, and the spill-over of beauty along the way.

      Thank you so much for being here. I will keep you, and your dream, in my prayers.

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  22. "Too busy enjoying life to be sad."

    This sent me over the edge. That's what Jesus does for us, isn't it? The bad and the pain may not go away, but He enables us to enjoy each day. I needed to read this. - Marie (mlsgregg.com)

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    1. Marie, you're so right, this IS what Jesus does. Each and every day, just for us.

      I am so honoured that I could provide something to help you, and you are always in my prayers.

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  23. You are amazing! You've accomplished more by the inspiration from your blog posts and messages than many people do in a "normal" lifetime because you inspire so many of us.

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    1. Jan, I can't tell you how much this means to me. Reaching people, and being able to bring a measure of hope, it makes everything, absolutely everything worthwhile.

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  24. Don't feel like you have to respond. Just know that you, your wife, and your dogs are in my prayers. May you feel the comforting arms of the Lord holding and supporting you through your pain. May your wife feel Him supporting her and giving her strength as she supports and helps you. May you and your wife find comfort and strength you all need each second, minute, hour and day.

    Thank you for your encouraging and inspirational posts. They are a blessing and even though you are in pain, you touch, encourage, and inspire so many lives. You will never know how many people you have blessed. Thank you, Andrew.

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    1. Sue, there's nothing I can say except for a very sincere Thank You. This comment means so much, more than you'll ever know.

      We do feel the Lord's Presence...and much of that is through the strong arms of people like you, holding us up in faith and prayer.

      We are so blessed!

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  25. I'm at a loss. Thanks for being a friend. Thanks for showing up week after week. Thanks for caring and supporting. Thanks for being real. Thanks for showing a different side to spirituality and explaining some difficult concepts. Thanks for encouraging many of us. Your voice has helped us face some of our own struggles. Most of all, thank you for being you. You will be missed. N

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    1. Norma, your friendship has meant so much to me...in you I have truly seen a Heart For The Lord, and you have made me a better man.

      I will speak to God of you, and when we meet, as golden clouds upon the wind, my heart will break for joy.

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  26. Bless you, Andrew, as you continue on your journey toward Jesus...His arms open wide and eyes gleaming. We all cheer you on to finish your race and receive your prize.
    Bless you, and your Barbara and little furry family member!
    Lisa

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    1. Lisa, thank you so much. I l love the image you've given me, of Jesus awaiting me, arms wide!

      And we so appreicate your prayers...all of us.

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  27. Andrew,
    "My dreams have generally not come true, but better things have happened." Those words touch my heart. These words mixed with your words of gratitude bless my soul. I've had dreams that were not to be, and it took me time to grieve and let go of the way I thought it ought to be. It's only now that I'm beginning to see a glimpse of better things. Gratitude for what is good helps me get there. Your words, again, give me courage.
    Prayers for you and Barb.
    --Cheryl

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    1. Cheryl, I figure it's OK to gieve the loss of the dreams we've cherished...they were important to US, and even though they may be replaced with better things, they do deserve our recognition of their passing.

      And I figure that our ruined dreams are collected by God, their bits swept up and cleaned and cherished, so that He may give them to us once again.

      Many thanks from us, for your prayers, They are appreciated and needed.

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  28. Andrew, I certainly would have been here before today, but library stuff. :)
    I am so grateful for the wisdom you express and share so freely. I don't always comment because I don't want to waste your valuable time. So silly of me. I admire your work for the four-legged loves. They truly are a gift from God and here you are giving right back.

    I was reminded of the old "Ben-Hur" this week when my husband and I watched "On Any Given Sunday" on my lap top (no TV so we catch a library video every now and then) and there were clips of it all over the place!' I never saw the remake. I'll do that now thanks to your recommendation.

    Love "Yellow Submarine" it makes me smile almost as much as ELO's "Mr. Blue Sky."

    I'm praying for you and your Barb.

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    1. No worries, Kelly, I'm just so glad you're here!

      I truly appreciate your comments when you do make them; reading and replying to comments, though it does takeme a lot longer than previously, is actually one of the best uses for my time, and the biggest boost to morale. The love here...I am so very, very blessed.

      I'm going to be looking for "On Any Given Sunday"; our library doesn't carry it but ABQ might, and Barbara has volunteered to look. Do see the remake of Ben-Hur. It's very good, and satisfying, from a storytelling angle, in a way the original was not.

      So glad you enjoyed Yellow Submarine!

      And thank you so very much for your prayers, from both of us.

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  29. I'm so sorry that you continue to suffer, Andrew. But I'm glad to hear you say that even though your dreams did not come true, better ones emerged. I feel that way too. God always has a better plan for me than I can envision.

    I pray for you daily and hope that even as some of your dreams may never come true, you find sweetness in the moments you're currently in--especially with Barb and your devoted pups.

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    1. Beth, thank you so much, and I'm delighted that you've found the same truth, of God providing better dreams.

      I truly appreciate your prayers, and there is a sweetness, a kind of almost ethereal quality of unbreakable fragility to the beauty of each day. Does that make sense?

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  30. I wanted to stop by since you left a comment on my blog. You have a wonderful outlook. Praying for you. I'm #81 on FMF this week.

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    1. Pam, thank you so much for being here, and especially for the prayers.

      Your post was wonderful, and I'd strongly suggest anyone reading these words to stop by.

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  31. Andrew, thank you for these words. I wanted to let you know that you inspired me to participate in Five Minute Friday this week. Friday had been a crazy day for me, so I thought that I was going to skip it this week, but after reading your words today, I decided to write my FMF post on a Tuesday. Your words reminded me of 1 Thessalonians 5:18 "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." I am praying for you and Barb! -Jolene

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    1. Jolene, you just made my day - that I could be your inspiration to write this week is just so cool! Thank you so much for this. :)

      We truly appreciate your prayers. They are needed.

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  32. Choosing to not be sad - what a gift that you're sharing with us. Walking step-by-step with our Lord puts life and death in perspective - maybe because it has to or we can't make it. It is amazing to share from afar your journey. I pray for continued peace in your heart (and painlessness in your body if possible).

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    1. Carol, thank you so much for this, and you're so right - if we don't have the perspective from walking hand-in-Hand with our Father, we won't make it...because there are gaps our stride can't reach and He carries us.

      I'm so grateful for your prayers!

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  33. I think sometimes that you manage to achieve more than an 'able-bodied' man with your words, outlook, gratitude and courage... one painful step in front of another eventually leads to the completion of a fantastical journey and a life well lived - despite every hardship. Well done!

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