Last night I went out to look at the sunset, and couldn't get back to the house. My pancreas went into spasm, and the pain prevented me from moving. I just stood there, to weak even to call for help.
Fortunately Barb was home, and she was able to help me back to shelter. Baby steps, and each one like a dagger.
She was sad. I used to be able to run, to hike, to climb to build. And now this.
It's been a long fall, and it's going to get worse.
But I am surprised to find that I have no need for sadness. Surprised, because I've lost so much...shouldn't I mourn?
No, I shouldn't.
First, I'm grateful for the life I've had. I have a wonderfully loving and supportive wife, who is patient with all of the necessary accommodations that terminal illness requires. She wishes she could do more, but she does everything she can.
My friends - you guys, reading this - have been both support and inspiration. Your prayers and help have meant more to me than I can ever say.
My dreams have generally not come true, but better things have happened. I wanted to have a life of flying, and got some of that, but more was sacrificed to keep a large group of dogs healthy, happy, and safe. Welive near an airfield, and I look up daily to watch the aeroplanes overhead, but am brought back to what has truly mattered by cold noses and wagging tails. Aeroplanes can't love you back; dogs can.
I've had some influence through writing, with a couple of novels, a couple of short non-fiction books, and this blog. People have written and said that my words helped them, people from all over the world. I am so grateful to have had that opportunity, even if my slow death has been an integral part of what I've written.
The days are good, even with pain and nausea and other stuff. I can;t focus on reading as much, but I find comfort in re-reading books I've loved...and we have a local library that has a good collection of VDs. Can't watch fore than 20-30 minutes at a time because, again, I lose focus. But right now I am working my way through the remake of Ben-Hur, and savouring it. (Better than the original, in my view.)
And occasionally I can take hacksaw to metal and fabricate one more part for the aeroplane upon which I have not given up. One part, yes, but that's one part less to build.
I'm too busy enjoying life to be sad.
And perhaps the happiest thing is the hope and the knowing, inside my heart, that there is someone out there who will step into my shoes and into Barbara's heart, a good Christian man who will help her walk through the sorrow, and who will love our canine family.
And who will help her feel love and hope again.
And I hope I meet him before I die.
It seems that this will all be over soon; I will have to step away from the blog (but not FMF!) to try to put it into some coherence so that others may benefit from it an an e-book.
And then, it will be time to say Goodbye.
But not today. Not quite yet.
So...music! How about the Fab Four and the original video of Yellow Submarine?
I do ask that you be patient with my slow replies to your comments (which we treasure). I'm trying to stay caught up.
Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.