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Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Your Dying Spouse 344 - Passing The Torch

These posts are getting harder to write, because I have to face - and find a way to share - some things that are physically and spiritually hard.

And emotionally hard, as well.

So, here goes.

We all want to be mourned at our death, and remembered. Even though we be Christians with a lienhold in Paradise, we instinctively want that temporal immortality of not being forgotten.

But how much do we want it, and more importantly, to what end?

When I die, do I want Barbara to lie in bed through long sleepless nights, weeping because the memory of my voice is fading? Do I want her to hold my tools to her bosom, because I was the last one to have held them?

Sure. Not for me, but for her, because there is a real need to grieve. No one gets a free pass on that, in any marriage worthy of the name.

And the Bible sets aside forty days as a period of mourning.  But only forty.

And then, life goes on. It has to.

So, consider a situation that I will take pains to stress is hypothetical. It has no counterpart in real life. None.

What if Barbara met someone at church, a Godly widower with for whom she found herself developing an affection...an affection that was returned? Or what if she had an old friend from her past, who had loved her from afar and who was now uncommitted?

And what if they developed an unspoken understanding, that, upon my death, they might one day be together?

How would I feel about that? Pretty good, really. In fact, if I could physically do it, I'd be turning cartwheels.

I want my wife to be happy. I wish that we could grow old in shared happiness, but since that's not to be, I want her to find the happiness she can, without any feeling that she's betraying my memory...even if I am still alive.

Please note that I am not suggesting physical or emotional betrayal. Far from it; that would do more damage than anything.

But I would be delighted that she had something to which she could look forward. I don't want her to face the cold air of a lonely winter alone.

And to think of another man here, playing with my dogs, using my tools, reading my books...loving my wife?

Yes to all of them. I want my dogs to have another friend when I'm gone, and my tools to find other skilled hands. I want my books to be cherished for their own sake, but also that the familiar titles will still be around my wife.

And I want Barbara to be loved.

God has His plans and seasons; but however He cares to do it...

Please, God, find someone who will love my wife, and the remaining parts of my life, when I'm gone.

Musical theme is that lovely song from the Plain White T's, Hey There Delilah.

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.


And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.


  1. Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Elizabeth...your lvoing thoughts and your prayers mean the world to me.

  2. Andrew, what a gift!! Your love has reached a point of selflessness that the rest of us can hope to have.
    Thank you for every single word. I was humbled and blessed to read this.
    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Tarzan who?
    Tarzan stripes forever
    (Cue sousaphones and piccolos)

    1. Tammy, thank you so much. As you can imagine, this was a hard place at which to arrive, and it was tough to write. Glad I did.

      And I love the 'knock, knock'! That's terrific!

      Love back, from all of us.

  3. Hi Andrew,

    I have appreciated your posts on many marriage blogs and also appreciate your military service.

    I happened to read your post today and it reminded me of part of my former Pastor's testimony. If you are able to listen to a few minutes at the link below I think you will find it a blessing.

    God bless you and your wife,

    1. Kevin, thank you so much! I truly appreciate your stopping by here, reading, and commenting.

      I'll be very interested to hear your former pastor's testimony - thanks so much for the link.

      Blessings back, from both of us.

  4. That's saying a lot. It's giving Barbara the gift of blessing and grace.

    1. Norma, thanks...getting to this point has been tough, but I sure don't want part of my legacy to be loneliness.

  5. Wow. I'm blown away. That kindness, generosity, selfless love - that's the Holy Spirit working in you. You've blessed me in a big way today. - Marie (mlsgregg.com)

    1. Marie, thank you so much for this kind affirmation...it means a LOT to me.

  6. You have a beautiful God-filled heart, Andrew. It takes a real man to want these things for his wife when he's gone. This speaks volumes of your love and commitment to Barbara.

    In November it will be 4 years since my oldest son died... my daughter-in-law, just two months ago, has found someone to love, and who loves her - and who places God first in his life. ALLELUJAH! We've known him much longer than these two past months. He is everything my daughter-in-law and grandkids need... I cannot tell you how this makes my heart sing in thankfulness and joy. I totally approve of this man and made sure he knows that.

    I'll keep this as a prayer for Barbara, that the same would come to her and the dogs.

    By the way, before I forget.... thank you for your service to a grateful country and her people, sir. If I could shake your hand, I would. God bless you, Andrew.

    1. Diana, thank you...and thanks, especially, for sharing your story. I'm so glad that your daughter-in-law found the right someone!

      We truly appreciate your prayers, and I am grateful for the handshake...but I'd be remiss in not mentioning that I fought as a contractor. Same objectives, but different operational environment.

  7. What a beautiful and selfless gift to your wife! It is loving and kind to want the best for her after you are gone. Barbara is blessed to have you! Praying for both of you.

    1. Rachel, thank you so much for this. I truly appreciate your kind words, and especially your prayers. Rough days; the prayers are sure needed!

      And you are in our prayers daily.

  8. One of my college Psychology professors taught us this definition of love:
    When the happiness and well-being of another is essential tone's own happiness and well being, a state of love exists. You obviously love your wife a lot.

    1. Jan, thanks for sharing this...it's a terrific definition. And yes, I do love Barbara a lot. Far more than I can describe.