It's getting down to time to embrace the suck.
And that is not entirely a bad thing. Having a life in which every day has become a survival situation - as in, how on Earth am I going to get through this particular 'episode' - it does lend a certain perspective that is probably hard to obtain anywhere else.
But it can't be shared, except through these words, and they are only marginally effective.
The people around me have their own lives and concerns, and things that bug them kind of roll off my back. An unmown lawn, for instance...that's pretty far down the list of annoyances for me. (OK, I'm on a mesa in New Mexico, and there is no lawn, but you get my drift.)
It's my own private Alamo.
But there are voices...
"I prayed to God to heal you, and got an answer...He said No." (Gee, did you really have to tell me?)
"We've been expecting this rapid deterioration for a long time." (Well, gosh, at least you don't have to live it, eh?)
And there are plans made, of which I can never be a part.
It can be pretty discouraging. This can be a pretty lonely path (especially when you're lying o the kitchen floor, too hurt and tired to move), and those voices make it lonelier still.
The word this week is cheer, and I guess I can work it in here.
These voices bring to mind - unfairly - a verse from Siegfried Sassoon's poem 'Suicide In The Trenches" -
"You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye
who cheer when soldier lads march by,
creep home and hope you'll never know
the hell where you and laughter go."
Yes, it's unfair of me to think this when others are just living their lives, and responding as best they think they can to mine. It's harsh, and cruel of me to even think this...but life has become harsh and cruel, and the only way I can survive each day is to be harder than death itself.
But there is also the good cheer of a soul reduced to the honed edge of killing steel...
There are other voices...
"You are never out of the fight." - from Lone Survivor.
"The only easy day was yesterday." - the SEAL motto
"I ain't got time to bleed." - from Predator.
"Come on, Lakotas, it's a good day to die!" - Sitting Bull
"On the third day I will rise again." - my boss, the Jewish carpenter.
Voices. All depends on who you listen to, I guess.
The musical inspiration for today's post is Russ Ballard's 'Voices' (remember the 80s?)
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