Your Dying Spouse 156 - Why Bother?

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As I am writing this - and I seriously thought about skipping it - things have gotten a lot worse. I wondered if they could; now I know.

The pain's ramped up past 'stupid pain', the kind that slows down your thinking, and there is another symptom (which, lucky for you, I won't describe) which is both extremely ominous and very disheartening.

And there is fatigue. My effective hours during the day have become effective moments. Otherwise, short of breath and energy, I have to rest.

So the question's begged...why continue the things I used to to, the writing, and the work on aeroplanes? As the walls close in, why bother?

There are a couple of reasons.

First, giving up is acceptance of defeat...it's surrender, and that is something I never learned. Giving up on the physical activities is a moral failure, and opens the door to a steeper decline. No matter how much it hurts - and how little I can still do - I don't think that is a wise thing to do. I'd rather face my fate with tools still in hand.

Second, it sets a bad example. We are not here, in this life, as singletons. We live in and by community, and we are required to take an active role in supporting and helping to form the future of that community. Saying what's the use, even in dire circumstance, is a step back over a line in the sand.

Behind which is another line, and another. I would prefer that I be remembered, perhaps not specifically but in the collective consciousness, as one who did not step back, so that others may be heartened to stand fast in other ways.

Third, I'd feel pretty stupid if I gave up and God, in His wisdom (and, perhaps, sense of ironic humour) sent me a healing miracle.

Fourth, keeping on with the work is a reach into the future. It anchors me in the continued life of those around me who have a more 'apparent' future that I seem to posess. I am still part of their world, if I'm looking ahead.

I need them; and they need me.

I still have something to give.

That's why I bother.

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