Your Dying Spouse 155 - Assisted Suicide Revisited

When one's terminally ill, the question of 'assisted suicide' always comes up, and a couple of years ago it received quite a lot of attention when a young woman with brain cancer, Brittany Maynard, became something of its poster girl.

She did kill herself, after going for a last walk with her husband and dogs.

At the time I wrote a post on another blog in which I disagreed violently with her course of action; and I wrote a post earlier in this series looking at the same subject. . But now, with a little thought,and a lot of experience, I feel compelled to revisit the issue.

I still think it's the wrong thing to do, but I understand it better. Lately, I've had a run of really bad days and new, ominous symptoms (which I won't describe, so count yourselves lucky), and lying semiconscious on the kitchen floor - more than once a day, let alone more than once a week, I've wondered...is this how I'm going to die?

The answer is, probably, yes.

And the pain's gone to new heights, or a new low. My walk has become amusingly crablike...kind of bent-over and scuttling sideways.

No, scutting implies speed. I'm limping, really, because putting weight on my right leg sends pain straight through the pancreas, and that can drop me.

So the operative question is, how much more can I take? How much worse can this get?

The answer is, obviously, a lot.

Faced with this, I can understand why the bleakness of the prospect can make a person yearn for it to be over. The large agonies and the small humiliations...just over.

However.

First, well, I'm a Christian, and believe that suicide is a sin. As in cardinal sin. Yes, I believe there are special circumstances that excuse it...the people who jumped from the World Trade Center Towers rather than burn to death were probably not castigated by the Almighty.

But I am not in that position. I have pain that is extreme, but the fact that I am writing this means I can still function, at least to a degree...and offing myself would simply be an emotional response...I don't wanna do this any more!

Second, it seems to be a terribly cruel burden and memory to place on one's loved ones...to see someone drink the hemlock, knowing that there is nothing now that will arrest the death. To keep talking while the responses become slower, trying to get in the last important words...I could not do that to anyone.

Third, it rather cancels God's ability to send a miracle. That miracle may not be a healing; it may merely be a clarity of understanding and purpose. But we are God's creatures, and in the end I don't think that we can take the play out of His hands (barring the World Trade Center example above, or similar things).

But having lived the last few months, and especially this last horrible day, I really can't bring myself to condemn anyone who takes this way out. I'm not in his or her shoes, and I have no insight into his or her relationship with the Almighty. There are things that can't be endured, and those are different for everyone.

All I can say now is, I hope that I can extend this compassion consistently, if I ever face dealing with someone who's backed into this fell corner, this fatal choice.

But in the end, I'll stand by the closing of my earlier post on this blog, written a long time ago...

"The terminally ill still have a lot to give, and they should not be thrown away...by society, or by themselves.

That line really says it all...I'm rather proud of it, so I'll stop here."

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.