As a caregiver, do you want a voice from the grave, form your husband or wife, wrapping things up, so to speak, with final thoughts of What It All Meant?
Or would that be just too painful to read?
Regardless, some people, facing the end, do find it necessary, sometimes urgently so, to get something down on paper. It's a call to legacy, to show, first, that I Was Here, and second, that My Life Mattered.
It's a message to a future that this individual will never see. (Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture is a book-length death letter to the kids he'd never see grow up.)
So, dear caregiver...what's your role in this? What kind of encouragement can you bring? How can you help. even if it tears you up inside?
First, don't throw cold water on the idea, if your dying spouse brings it up. That's the flat-out worst thing you can do, because even though you don't mean it, the interpretation is that you don't want to look back at the shared life you had.
Second, be open to exploring those shared memories...and, sometimes, doing some research to spark them. For someone who doesn't have a tomorrow, and for whom today is both painful and frightening, yesterday assumes huge importance.
Yesterday becomes the definition of a person's life, and a definition of value.
Third, try to keep hope, or at least anticipation alive. The doctors may have given up, but you can give your mate something to look forward to. You've got to take on the role of Cruise Director for this last voyage, by planning meals that can still be enjoyed, and watching - together - DVDs that you may have seen many times, but that still bring a sense of involvement and purpose to the dying.
Barbara did just that this evening; she has an early day tomorrow, but she stayed up with me to watch Star Trek - Into Darkness. It was her suggestion. She knew I'd had a miserably uncomfortable weekend, and she sacrificed her sleep to bring me this gift.
Because, you see, writing a death letter focuses on the direst of prospects, and it's easy to get caught in them.
Finally, show interest. If your mate wants to talk about what he or she is writing - to you - be present, and listen.
Because it's really a cry for help -
Tell me that I mattered..
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Such important things to know. Thank you for sharing these insights, Andrew. My Mum had so much she wanted to share, but sadly her type of cancer made thought processing so very difficult near the end. I would have loved to have received a letter from her. I think it's one of the biggest gifts you can give, Andrew...even if it will be hard for Barbara to read...but as I'm learning, the hard stuff is usually the best stuff!
ReplyDeleteAnna, please forgive my delay in responding - I'm so sorry for what you had to live through with your Mum, but am positive that she was fortunate and blessed to have you with her in her final days. Your compassion shines through your words.
DeleteAnd you're so right - the hard stuff is usually the best!
I'm so very blessed to hear that you two continue to share special moments together, Andrew. It brings tears to my eyes. Thank you so very much for being the warrior for marriage until your final hours, my friend! What a gift you are to us all!
ReplyDeleteBeth, thank you so much...it is a blessing for me, and I think for barbara as well. This evening I was not up to 'sharing', but I could listen as she described what went on at work (new promotion, new challenges!).
DeleteI'm so honoured by your words. Truly. Thank you, my friend.
Whew! Don't do that again! My heart sunk because I thought...well nevermind because you're still here! Would I want a letter? A legacy from Shane? Definitely!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like Barbara understands that memories with you is more important than a few hours sleep. :) What a wife!
Oh, Christy, gosh...I didn't realize, and I am so sorry!
DeleteShe's definitely a keeper, Barbara is.
Cruise director. Ah ... an interesting position in this light that few would apply for.
ReplyDeleteI love that Barbara shared an evening of Star Trek with you. That's true love at its best.
Linda, very true...not many would apply for it. But when it's needed...it's REALLY needed.
DeleteAnd it was a wonderful evening, one that I will long remember.
Excellent advice, as always, Andrew. I hated that book (The Last Lecture) in a good way, if you know what I mean! My grandpa wrote out his life story when he was dying of cancer. My dad typed it up on a Commadore computer and then printed it out and hand bound a copy for each of the grandkids. I treasure that book like nothing else! It's a legacy, indeed.
ReplyDeleteAnita, what a wonderful gift from your Grandpa. That is such a blessing, and more so that it's something you truly vale.
DeleteThank you so much for being here!
Andrew, I can't tell you how inspiring it is to see you and Barbara continuing to give each other love and respect in the midst of all you're suffering through. It inspired hope. I was privileged to be the first on Amazon to review Emerald Isle. It was a moving story and I'm so thankful to those who helped you get it published. I'm looking forward to the print version for some friends who can't do the eBook. Continued prayers for you both.
ReplyDeleteJune thank you...I think you've hit a vital point, with love AND continuing respect.
DeleteI really appreciate your taking time to review Emerald Isle. Thank you for that! The print version will be along as soon as we can get the formatting done. It's a bit more complex, and needs several careful iterations to have it looking 'just right'.
We so appreciate the prayers!
Some final thoughts, even if they are painful, are better than no word especially when the death is untimely and immenent. I received one of those from a sister and was grateful. However, if promised but never written, it becomes painful for family members. Two little girls lost their mother to cancer. She promised to write each of them a letter, but no letters were ever found. They searched the whole house and had to conclude that their mother was unable to write them because of her condition.
ReplyDeleteAnother consideration, it's a good idea to write your children/spouse a letter like this even in good health just because it would bring value to your relationship. Be sure to include what you have appreciated and like about them. This iwill givine them a blessing.
Meant to include, good subject to address. Thanks.
DeleteStill praying.
Norma, thank you for sharing your experience, and the sad story of the mother who didn't complete that promised task. I can't imagine the heartbreak the children felt.
DeleteAnd yes, you're right....it's something worth doing even in good health. Written words have staying power.
Thank you so much for the prayers!
I've hear of many people who have done this when they know they are dying...a "Death Letter", or a letter to children that won't be seen growing up...sounds morbid, but I agree that it IS a very important thing...
ReplyDeleteI've just been re-reading the post I wrote last year for Random Journal Day: I've titled it both "Fred's Last Letter" and "A Mother's Legacy"; either is appropriate; I'm sure the letter mentioned in this post was not intended to be a "death letter"; but it fits this post you are sharing - http://scrapper123.blogspot.com/2015/03/random-journal-day-march-6th.html (Don't feel bad if you don't feel up to reading it; just sharing in case, or if anyone else wishes to read it).
Thank you, Andrew, for your continued perseverance in posting these great "tips" for care-givers, or those who may be in your position one day!! Prayers, hugs, all that for you and Barbara!!
Barbara, I will be heading over to read the letter you posted, for sure!
DeleteIt did seem like a morbid thing when I was healthy, but now, seeing that there is a literal morbidity to my life, it is just the right thing to do. Death can't be dodged, but it can be 'played' to give something of value to those left behind.
We so appreciate the prayers and hugs!
You definitely matter / mattered. xo
ReplyDeleteSusan, thank you for that...it means a lot. XO and waggy tails!
DeleteAs painful as it may be to read, I would definitely want a letter. Something to hold onto. Something that says "I was here, I mattered, I loved and was loved". If one were to write such a letter, I wouldn't want it to be a 'rake you over the coals for everything you did wrong' letter. I'd only want the good stuff. I can remember the bad stuff all on my own, where I went wrong, what I said I regret, the times I was thoughtless. I would want to know you remember the good times more than the bad. Bless you and Barbara, Andrew. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteJules, definitely...only the good stuff! I can't imagine, in this position, doing otherwise. It would be so wrong! And a terrible way to exit life.
DeleteWe so appreciate your prayers; they matter to us immensely.