This week's word is QUIET.
So unlike me.
Okay.
From the opening voiceover narration in Lone Survivor -
There's a storm inside of us. I've heard many team guys speak of this. A burning. A river. A drive. An unrelenting desire to push yourself harder and further than anyone could think possible. Pushing ourselves into those cold, dark corners, where the bad things live. Where the bad things fight. We wanted that fight at the highest volume. A loud fight. The loudest, coldest, darkest, most unpleasant of the unpleasant fights.
Today has been dreadful. The main symptom...aside from throwing up and dry heaves, and incessant runs...oh, and those come with blood...is an unremitting pain across the lower margin of the ribcage, going through to the back on the right side. It'll cut you down. Literally.
I've maxed out on morphine for the day. It didn't touch it.
And I love this fight.
Don't get me wrong...I do not love the situation. I'm not crazy (Barbara, this is not the time to contradict...thank you!).
I have no use for martyrdom, or for victimhood. I truly appreciate sympathy...after all, I'm not crazy (Barbara!).
And I appreciate the fact that I'm learning tons about compassion, and about how good life can still be...but there may have been easier schools. (Or maybe this is the one I needed...I don't know.)
But as long as I'm here, I may as well use it as a challenge. See just how much I can take toay, so maybe I can take more tomorrow.
Because I'm going to have to take more tomorrow.
This is not a quiet fight. 'Screaming in pain' is a part of life now.
But so what? I'm still here.
And I will win.
Even in losing, I will win.
When I step onto the Golden Streets, God and His angels will bow their heads and step aside. But they'll be kind of deaf...because I'm going to ride this in, LOUD.
That's it. Not much more needs saying.
If you can.please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
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Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
I love your lively, loud spirit, Andrew :). I'm sure I'll be able to find you in heaven--you'll be the one causing the holy ruckus and laughing it up with the angels :). I'll proabably be the one sitting in the corner with hundreds of hummingbirds perched all over me (you should be safe from them in heaven!).
ReplyDeleteHummingbirds? Oh, NO!
DeleteI suppose they issue body armour in Heaven. Just in case.
Thank you so much, ANita. While I'm often quiet...on my own...in a group I can easily be found. I'm the one everyone's ready to chuck out the window.
Thanks so much for being here!
Yes Andrew! You win! God bless you in this battle, you and Barbara who knows the crazy side of you, you are an amazing person either that or you really are crazy :). Always praying for you and Barbara.
ReplyDeleteChristy, thank you...and the overwhelming verdict is, actually, I'm about two cans short of a six-pack.
DeleteWell, maybe because I already drank them.
We so appreciate the prayers, Christy. Thank you!
Praying for you in my loud moments (there's lots of them with 3 kiddos around!) and in the quiet ones too.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, LeeAnn. It does get loud here, too...at the moment Denali the Happy Husky wants SOMEthing...but I'm not sure even she knows what. But she's vocal about it.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers. This is a hard night...but there is nonetheless joy.
You win and LOUDLY! Love that, Andrew. I continue to lift you and Barbara up in prayer. Even if we may never meet on this earth, we'll meet up in eternity. What a glorious day that will be!
ReplyDeleteYes, Julie! I am looking forward to meeting you...and your wonderful family. Your love for them shines through your words so brightly.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers. They are appreciated, and as I write this...very much needed.
Continue to fight LOUDLY I want to hear all the way in Texas!! As always, praying for you and Barbara through this!!
ReplyDeleteMiranda, thank you...and I guarantee, y'all WILL hear me!
DeleteAnd thank you so much for your prayers...they mean the world to us.
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteat least you're productive, right? Not just lying there waiting to die. You're heaving and "running", Lol.
Okay, because we have to laugh sometimes.
Here's a quote that I've heard before but heard recently that I believe describes your journey to a "T".
“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”
― Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967
I can do nothing to alleviate your pain, but if I make you laugh, at least you'll hurt from laughing instead of the other reasons. So so so very glad you can enjoy your Valentines for a few weeks instead of a mandated February date.
You bring joy and life because of the Holy Spirit inside you. Think of right now as that part of the trip where you're passing through the atmosphere and all that burning on the outside is part of the process and you're not at the end of it yet...but you know you're about to be weightless and in the vast universe of expanse and all you've ever known is Earth. How amazing the view will be!
Sorry you're burning, but excited for your destination! (and that you're still enjoying the ride because you're telling us about it)
~Tammy
Whee! Number 11 tonight. I made it! :)
DeleteOh, Tammy! yes, you made me laugh! I love this!
Deleteit seems there is nothing, now that will alleviate the pain, short of rendering me unconscious, but what you've done is better...you have made it bearable, helped define the purpose.
I do sometimes think about the destination now...and the old Irish blessing, "May you spend eternity with the Holy Family, beside a lake of beer."
Yes, please!
Even in losing, I will win! Yes, yes you will! You are such an inspiration to me friend. Still continuing to pray for you. I'm over in the #7 spot this week.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Tara! You inspire me as well...and we very, very much appreciate your prayers.
DeleteAndrew, you absolutely amaze me with your perspective. I love your determination, and the way you find to stand strong in the midst of the hard you're walking through. I'm pretty sure when you walk those Golden Streets there will be lots of loud-ness there. Celebrating your arrival and praising God. NOT that I want you to go soon, mind you. But when you do . . .
ReplyDeleteAnd, you have already won, my friend. Praying for you and Barbara!
Jeanne, I don't want to go soon either. I have a lot of reasons...there are quite a few sleeping at my feet right now. The dogs know the score...and they are begging me not to go.
DeleteSo I won't. Heaven can wait.
Thank you so much for the prayers. The past two days have been something of a trial, and we truly appreciate them.
Keep fighting the good fight, Andrew. You are an inspiration! Prayers over you and Barbara. #14 this week on FMF.
ReplyDeleteIt IS a good fight...and I'll keep fighting. Thank you so much for being here, and we really appreciate the prayers...both of us.
DeleteAnd don't you deserve that... going in LOUD! That's awesome! It brought a smile to face thinking of you that way! Praying for you as you struggle and keep on fighting today! (FMF #31)
ReplyDeleteRachel thank you! Loud is about the only way I know how to do this!
DeleteWe thank you so much for the prayers. They are appreciated, and needed.
I like it when you are LOUD...because then I know you are HERE. Hugs to Barb...xo
ReplyDeleteOh, Susan! Thank you! I do really LIKE being here, in spite of it all.
DeleteHugs passed on to The B...and she says thank you!
Love the humor...I'm sure that's God's gift to get you through this fight...because it is a battle, in every sense of the word. So sorry to hear things are just getting harder and harder. But that Hope of yours is still blazing, tethered as you are to His Living Word and the Spirit within you.
ReplyDeleteThe Hope burns ever-brighter, Anna...because it's real, and alive.
DeleteThings are getting harder, yes, and the past two days have been something unspeakable, but God's presence and comfort are ever-more apparent.
I'm so glad you're here!
I love your determination and your humour. "Even in losing I will win." So true. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteCarly, thank you...I truly appreciate your presence here...and truly need your prayers.
DeleteI can hardly believe you. Your attitude is too bright. I would be so down, depressed, lonely, miserable, that I could hardly live with myself. I would be making everyone around me just as miserable as I was. How do you do it? How do you stay positive? How do you look on the bright side of this miserable situation?
ReplyDeleteSee you in Heaven! What a day of rejoicing that will be! Meanwhile, I'll keep praying for you.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely see you there, Jan! I'll be easy to spot...surrounded by dogs and ruffians.
DeleteI so appreciate the prayers, my friend. Thank you.
God bless you, Andrew. Your words echo loudly. They inspire. And they will continue, they will never be silenced. Praying for you and Barbara.
ReplyDeleteJune, thank you. It's overwhelming to me, that my words have reached as far as they have...and very, very humbling.
DeleteWe so appreciate the prayers. The past few days have been tough, be we feel supported on this warm and steady wave.
Followed you this week Andrew. Seems like I do that a lot! Strangely, I seem to just not really know what to say a lot of the time. Maybe because the truth is hard, or maybe because I haven't been there to know what exactly should be said. Maybe it's nothing at all. Whatever the case, I am praying for you and Barbara. It in a strange way excites me that soon you will know more about God and Jesus and everything that is beautiful and good, than anyone on earth will so long as they haven't moved on to Heaven. In a sense, I may envy that. Getting to meet God. (((hugs))) and LOVE <3
ReplyDeleteMarisa...the fact that you ARE here is the most important thing of all. Never worry about words. Just be here...please.
DeleteCommunity...this community...is a huge part of what keeps me going.
We very much appreciate your prayers...and when I meet the Big J I will put in a good word for you.
"There's this friend I have, Marisa..."
Andrew, you inspire by not going quietly into that long goodnight. A hard and painful fight requires a tenacious spirit that can flex its muscles in the face of such adversity. You, my friend, may feel as weak as a kitten but your fight-to-the-end spirit isn't laying down in weary resignation just yet. No apologies needed. You may get to race most of us Home, hobbling in as you are. Meanwhile, we remain your cheerleaders and prayer warriors on the sidelines, urging you to continue for as long as God grants you life and breath. Keep fighting, friend.
ReplyDeleteJoy, your words mean so very much to me...coming at the end of a day that was the mother of all beastings.
DeleteI so appreciate you...all of this community, because I know now...and have for awhile...that I could never have made it this far without being borne aloft on the hands, and in the hearts, of my friends.
I'll keep fighting. There is no way I will quit.
"Even in losing, I will win." Praise the LORD!
ReplyDeleteYes, Stacy...praise HIM in the good, in the bad, and in the in-between!
DeleteIt's the only way to fly...and fly we will!
I'll look forward to that Hug, marie...but first...I'm gonna high-five God.
ReplyDeleteThere is a precedent. When barb and I married, and the priest said, "You may kiss the bride..."
Ah, you got it already. We high-fived.
And we skipped down the aisle. Yes, really!
I'm so glad you're here, Marie. And I will keep fighting.
No words. Only heartache for you. For the pain. For your suffering. But this...this I will cling to:
ReplyDelete"Even in losing, I will win."
Do you realize the legacy you are leaving us?
Carrie, thank you so much...I'm beyond words.
DeleteAnd as to legacy...I see it in love, and in open hearts, and I am so very, very humbled.
Thank you so much for being here.
Andrew, when you step onto those Golden Streets...I Know you will be shouting with gladness that you are (finally) HOME to HIM! But, 'til that day, you will shout with gladness that you ARE still here; and we will shout with gladness that you are STILL here; and Barb will shout with gladness that YOU are still here...
ReplyDeleteYou have our permission to shout as loud as you want; as loud as you can...into the quietness of the day or night; you SHOUT! And I will continue whispering prayers to our Father in Heaven for you and Barb; and he will hear that, too!!
Exactly! I am so glad to still be here...even though today reached a new level of challenge...and when I go I know I will be glad to be THERE.
DeleteEither way...I win.
Thank you so much for the prayers, my friend...we truly appreciate them!
Andrew, praying even through the loud fight, you hear the still whisper of God's I love you. And please, find my daughter, Kimberly, and throw some crowns at the feet of Jesus with her. What joy.
ReplyDeleteOh, Debbie...I will do that.
DeleteYou are so very, very brave, in giving us these words from your aching heart. I admire you, and pray for you.
I have to say that the fact that you can muster a scream in pain, tells me that you are hanging in there. Not that I want you screaming in pain, Andrew. But it tells me there is much more fight in you--which amazes us all. You are one tough dude. I'm certain your hard life and times in battle have prepared you to be a survivor. I do pray each day that God eases that pain for you. It doesn't sound like he is presently answering that prayer affirmatively, which grieves me deeply. I hate to think of your suffering, but may that be something of a comfort amidst the pain. Hugs and prayers!
ReplyDeleteMay God hold you ever so gently as you fight this battle, Andrew. You are such a testament of courage and perseverance to us all.
ReplyDeleteLynette
~#117 this wk