What does terminal illness have to do with an EOD tech taking the long walk to deal with a vehicle-borne IED?
Quite a bit.
It's the walk you take alone.
I am learning that as debility and fatigue increase...you get left behind.
It's nothing bad, really, but the friends and family around you have their own lives, and theirown priorities.
I have a friend who is dying of a particularly nasty cancer, and recently his wife complained to him about a stain on her dress...and how irritating it was, that someone had been so careless as to spill food on her in the lunchroom.
His first thought was, "Do you have any idea who you're talking to?"
But he bit his tongue, and in consideration realized that...she was right.
She's diverging, and she can't take the long walk with him. All she can do is live her own life as best as she can...and sometimes that means venting about a ruined dress.
It may seem unfair, but it's not. We all have to live our own lives, and regardless of Bill Clinton's professed ability to "feel your pain", we really can't feel another's pain.
And those of us experiencing the worst sort of physical and associated psychological pain should not expect it.
Friends and family will veer away, not in malice, but because they still have lives to live in which what seems minor does loom large.
If you're not staring into eternity, you shouldn't be expected to try. Life is to be lived as it is.
And for the terminally ill, as it is means that the last walk will be taken in a profound loneliness.
And that to "prepare to meet thy God" is an individual thing.
Please pardon the brevity of this post...as I write this, things are awful, and pain is not controlled.
If you can.please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Oof, it sounds like you are in the midst of a tough journey this week. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you travel this lonely road. And please know that you are not alone. Thank you for sharing this. It is a good remainder to me to continually look for ways to encourage others, as there are so many people in need of encouragement. I'm visiting from Inspiring Me Mondays, and am wishing you a blessed and peace-filled week.
ReplyDeleteJed, thank you so much...the week hasn't exactly been gleaming, and knowing I am not alone surely helps. I truly thank you for your prayers; I feel the power of prayer around me, which has been one of the discoveries of this trek.
DeleteI really, really appreciate your being here.
I think this is true in many senses, Andrew. We tend to think that everyone should view life the way we do or have the same concerns that we have at any individual moment. It's part of the human condition to be myopic. But for you, as you walk this road, it truly is lonely. I pray that You feel God's nearness on that road--not in a "I'm here to take You home" kind of way, but in a way of "I've walked here too and want You to feel my love and presence in a time of extreme loneliness." He feels that way even if you don't, Andrew. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeletePerfect, Beth..."It's part of the human condition to be myopic." That's simply genius!
DeleteI do feel God's nearness, though much of the time it's the sense that He is walking behind me...I can't necessarily see of hear Him, but I know beyond doubt that He's there.
And to be honest...there are time when "I'm here to take you home" would not be entirely unwelcome. This is getting kind of hard.
Thank you for the hugs...and hugs back!
Live life as it is. Excellent advice, Andrew. Oh, that we could all give each other the grace to do that without judgment.
ReplyDeleteI so wish we could too, Lisa. Thank you so much for being here!
DeleteRelieved to see your post this morning, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Michelle...I did not know if I was going to make it. I don't want to think this is starting to get finite...but it is.
DeleteBarring a miracle. Kind of need one!
Thank you so much for being here!
I've been thinking and praying for you guys today. Thank you for this: 'If you're not staring into eternity, you shouldn't be expected to try.' I often feel the inadequacy of my words when alongside those facing challenges bigger than I can imagine - it's very kind of you to appreciate our inept and sometimes woefully irrelevant comments here, just because we're here, and trying.
ReplyDeleteIt's like we're squinting into eternity, and not at all able to see with the clarity you do, but I think we can trust your description of the view, and it sure feels like holy ground as you share what you're seeing.
For some reason I was just reminded of Aslan taking that walk to the stone table...
Delete"Oh, children, children, why are you following me?"
"We couldn't sleep," said Lucy...
"Please, may we come with you - wherever you're going?" said Susan.
"Well -" said Aslan, and seemed to be thinking. Then he said, "I should be glad of company tonight. Yes, you may come, if you will promise to stop when I tell you, and after that leave me to go on alone."
"Oh, thank you, thank you. And we will," said the two girls...
"Are you ill, dear Aslan?" asked Susan.
"No," said Aslan. "I am sad and lonely. Lay your hands on my mane so that I can feel you are there and let us walk like that..."
[And so, after he paid the ultimate sacrifice, and rises again, he explains,] 'when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor's stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backwards...'
Ruth, your kind words move me so...thank you.
DeleteDo know that the comments here are the biggest part of what gives me the courage to face each day. They give pain purpose, and lend hope to what would otherwise be horror.
And thank you so much for the Aslan vignette..."sad and lonely" is a perfect example of how I feel, much of the time (not to compare myself to Aslan!). The ground has shifted under me, and my morale has been eroded...it is the saddest and loneliest period I have ever experienced.
I truly appreciate your being here, Ruth, and your prayers.
Dear Andrew, you walk this particular path alone in one sense, but in the spiritual sense, although there too you may feel alone you most certainly are not. God is with you, as are our prayers. It may be hard to feel them through the pain, but they are there surrounding you and the God Who carries you. Peace.
ReplyDeleteJune, it's the prayers,more than anything else, that keep me going. They uplift me, and while the journey is getting both sadder than I would have expected and lonelier than I would have liked...I do KNOW that I am not alone.
DeleteThat is the key to survival; lone hands go for a Burton. Community is life.
I'm so grateful for your presence here!
Andrew,
ReplyDeletewhat insight you provide. And how helpful. I am sorry for your pain today and that you feel alone. Still, you are not. And I love Ruth's example from C.S. Lewis. We cannot actually know what to do, but you can know we are alongside you in prayer.
And this is true even of non-dying spouses, and children. We give others value when we realize that what they share IS what is concerning to them. It matters not whether it is concerning to us. We can validate their concerns and cause them to feel worth.
Though you may not take many words to say it, you have increased the value and potency of your words.
Blessings,
~Tammy
Tammy, you're absolutely right...that what we share, and what is shared with us...it's vital, and far more important than anything that may be on the plate at the moment, short of 'life and death'.
DeleteThe hardest part about 'terminality' is the realization that the people who are physically close to you may not WANT you to share; it upsets the rhythm of their lives, and makes them look - uncomfortably - into the future that awaits us all.
I am so truly blessed by your presence here, Tammy. Thank you.
I remember after my mom died, I was visiting with my father and sister in my mom's home. It was weird to not have her there in the midst of all her things. After a week or so, I remember other's lives went on and for some reason that felt very odd and weird. How could I worry about the weather or grocery shopping or... a stain on my dress... when my mom had just died and my world had stopped.
ReplyDeleteEventually life returned to a new normal yet I still can remember that feeling of "aloneness" and thinking, "No one has any idea how I feel." It's a lonely road to walk and my heart goes out to you and Barbara. May His peace surround you today and bring strength to your body! Big hugs and love to both of you!
Rachel, thank you for sharing this...life has to go on, but you're right...sometimes it just feels weird.
DeleteAnd it can feel very wrong, for which the only antidote is compassion. Easy to say, very hard to do.
And yes, the new normal does come, but the splinters of pain never seem to completely go away.
I really appreciate your stopping by; you've added a lot to the conversation.
Andrew, your words carry power today. I saw this in my mother's eyes as she lay dying: "And for the terminally ill, as it is means that the last walk will be taken in a profound loneliness." And yet, etched in her pain, I also felt a peace upon her. As you embrace this awful pain, Christ is embracing you within...I pray that you are gifted the ability to feel it clothe you. Hugs and continued prayers from afar.
ReplyDeleteRomans 8: 16
God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children.
Anna, you've said this so well...and thank you for sharing your experience with your mother. I cannot imagine how hard the words must have been to write.
DeleteAnd I love the Scripture. It's perfect, and tonight, in the midst of rather bad pain...very much needed.
Sometimes focusing on little things helps us escape so we can bear the big thing when it happens.
ReplyDeleteJan, that is exactly right. You packed a mountain's worth of wisdom into eighteen words.
DeleteThank you so much for this. It goes up on the refrigerator.
Fighting my son's cancer for 3 1/2 years felt like a lonely road too. Not that I was alone, because we had support, but it was lonely and I struggled with that difference. And yes, I struggled as people's lives 'returned to normal' after the first month of intense prayer support. That long of a struggle REQUIRES those around you to move on with their lives and creates a void. But we can't compare journies, Andrew you are so right. We just need compassion for each other - and that moment of reaching out that says "you may feel lonely, but my prayers never leave you alone!" You have my prayers today!
ReplyDeleteCrol, I love and appreciate this so much..."you may feel lonely, but my prayers never leave you alone".
DeleteYou've just defined the power and purpose of prayer...what a gift.
Thank you so very, very much.
Carol, I do know that there is an 'a' in your name...sorry. Bit of a hard night, as I didn't check.
DeleteThough C-Rol might be a good stage name if you ever consider a career as a rapper.
Andrew, this perspective is so helpful. I can only imagine how lonely this journey is. Now I know a little more how to pray for you. I appreciate that you give permission for the one who still has to live to do so. I'm praying you feel the nearness of God's presence, and His peace in the horrible pain.
ReplyDeletejeanne, as I write this...yeah, it's horrible. Don't really know how to cope, except that He IS near, and He's saying, "You've still got a job to do. Deal with it."
DeleteNot quite the Sunday-School God, and far removed from the Prosperity Gospel...but I'll do as He asks!
Thank you so much for being here, my friend!
Uh...Jeanne...sorry for the missed capitalization of your name!
DeleteI don't know Ruth but OH HOW I LOVE her CS LEWIS quote. I'm glad I've spent some time over here today, Andrew. In one way or the other, we are all on the journey of "further up and further in." I still believe in miracles...xo A big hug for Barb.
ReplyDeleteYes, in the end, "prepare to meet thy God" IS a lonely walk; but you have so many that are on this journey with you...and you have encourages, inspired, uplifted, affected so many who are on this journey with you, and so many that read your words. You are blessed...as your blog names indicates...you are BLESSED; and you are blessing so many. Thank you for sharing your journey with the rest of us. Though a brief post; always powerful and touching!
ReplyDelete