The word this week is TIME
Okay.
It's time to worry. Not about me - I've lost a lot of ground, things really suck, and well, so what...everyone dies. Looks like sooner than later. Lost 1-1/2 to 2 pints (close to 2 liters) of blood in 48 hours. That is not sustainable.
I'm worried about Barbara, and about all caregivers, especially those who deal with people like me.
A close friend of hers got sick today, and her reaction was more dispassionate than usual...more detached, and it was enough for her to comment on it.
Time to worry. She's turning into me,. and trust me...you don't want to be me.
Fundamentally, I don''t really care about the pain I live with, and find injuries nothing more than an inconvenience. When I could still weld, I got a third-degree burn on my arm...and never mentioned it until Barbara happened to see it.
A hacksaw slipped, sliced my hand, and stuck in the bone. Didn't mention that until she saw the cut.
It didn't seem important. Everyone bleeds, everyone dies. Eyes on the mission.
But that kind of attitude has an effect...if you're caring for someone who really doesn't care about him or herself, that stain of detachment will spread, like ink in a bowl of water.
It's contagious.
This has to be fought, because detachment is the end of compassion.
Being able to handle a hard situation with competence and skill is different. It's an important skill to have, and in no way subverts concern.
I don't know what to do, to help my caregiver. My wife.
Can you help?
Done.
If you can.please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
dude. That is NOT good. (all of it). I really don't know how to help... Is there someone else that could come in, like a close friend, that could help both of you? Give her a break and you someone to spend time with? (don't know if you have the strength/energy for it, but it's all I got). Still praying. Much love, friend. Thank you for always writing throughout the hell you're going through.
ReplyDeleteA blogger/author wrote some things today that resonate with me, and i think they would with you too. If you have the desire, check it out: http://prestonyancey.com/blog/2016/1/14/where-ive-been
love you, friend.
Preston's post was so moving, wasn't it, Jordan?
Deleteindeed it was, kate. I've been following along for awhile and I adore their family. can't wait for Preston's book- that post sealed the deal for me to go ahead and pre-order it.
DeleteJordan, thank you so much. Barbara does have friends, and I can't really interact with people in person very well. It hurts too much to talk, and they end up thinking my brain's shot. Frustration all around!
DeleteI will chack out Preston's site, and we truly appreciate the prayers.
The "Father of compassion and the God of all comfort" (2 Cor. 1:3) will bring it back to her, in time. It may take a while, but all is not lost. And for you: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" (Deut. 31:8), and Joshua 1:9 -- "Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Wherever you go, brother.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteKate, these are perfect Scriptures...thank you so much for the thought and time in picking them! We are so grateful.
Delete(And the deleted comment I made...I renamed you "Katy", who commented below...and wanted to make sure you knew I was replying to you. Hence the new comment!)
My new year's resolution this year is to take care of myself...because I too tend to not worry to much about myself. And I don't like the callousness it has created in me toward other people's pain. Just because I'm so hard on myself doesn't give me license to be hard on others...just something I'm thinking about and your words resonated with that. And I'm always continually praying for you, and for Barbara especially right now. That the Lord will uphold her and keep her heart soft.
ReplyDeleteKaty, you have it exactly right...remember the Centurion that C.S. Lewis described (from Tacitus) who was "all the more relentless because he had endured it himself"?
DeleteIt's an easy trap into which to fall, because 'uncomplaining' can seem like a virtue...and it is, but any virtue, overdone, becomes the worst of vices, imbued with pride.
Thank you so much for your prayers, Katy.
Aa I'm reading through the comments I am agreeing with all of the rest. Lean on the Father and let him take the wheel. As always, praying for you and Barbara and the dogs!!
ReplyDeleteParked at number one this week
Miranda...you're First in other ways, too...First in Faith!
DeleteThank you so much for the wisdom and the prayers...you are, of course, absolutely right.
I can help through prayer, my friend. Does your wife belong to a support group or see a counselor? Caregiving can be pretty numbing. I wish I would have sought help during the crisis.
ReplyDeleteAnita, that is something she needs to do, but the press of work has been so hard on her, it might not do any good atthe moment...one more 'duty'. But both the support group and counseling need to be on the agenda, yes.
DeleteAndrew, my heart is aching for you and for Barb. I'm sure she is weary. When your heart, your mind is worried about the one you love, there isn't a lot of room for others in there. That's not a bad thing, it just is. I've been praying about what to share here. The verse that keeps coming to mind is Matt 11:28—"'Come to Me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." I'm praying for God's rest to refresh you both.
ReplyDeleteBe Barb's encourager, as you're able. I know you do this the best you can. Know that she loves you. Cling to Jesus for your strength. And know you are both being prayed for by MANY.
Thanks so much, Jeanne, and that Scripture is spot-on. I do try to encourage Barb at every opportunity...and the prayers that surround us are SO valued!
DeleteThe only answer I can come up with is prayer, Andrew. When I was a caregiver, some days that's all I could do was to pray and ask God to intervene for me, as I couldn't do it myself. Great suggestions above. God knows and has the answer for you and Barbara. I'm continuing to pray on my end. Keep fighting the fight.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Julie...and yes, prayer is all.
DeleteWe are so grateful for your love and prayers!
The only answer I can come up with is prayer, Andrew. When I was a caregiver, some days that's all I could do was to pray and ask God to intervene for me, as I couldn't do it myself. Great suggestions above. God knows and has the answer for you and Barbara. I'm continuing to pray on my end. Keep fighting the fight.
ReplyDeleteOh Andrew! My heart is aching for you both. I will continue to pray for you and especially Barbara now. Contagious....that's such a strong image. I'm over in the #11 spot today.
ReplyDeleteTara, thank you...it is something that I perhaps should have expected, but didn't. After all, I read C.S. Lewis' description of Tacitus' Centurion..."all the more relentless because he had endured it himself". I should have seen this coming
DeleteWe thank you so much for the prayers!
I was thinking of you as I wrote my post this week, thinking of you and Barbara on your trip into "the undiscovered country" (the future, the life after death). I'll pray for you both.
ReplyDeleteWe have a wonderful hospice program and workers here. They might be able to help Barbara as well as you.
Constance, thank you for thinking of us!
DeleteHospice may eventually be needed...but I have no insurance, and that leaves few alternatives. Toughing it out is about all I can do, but I will encourage barbara to seek support in church, and on her insurance.
Thank you so much for your prayers! We appreciate them.
Prayers, as always, for you both. Barbara is one amazing woman. Thank you both for including us in this journey. -Annie
ReplyDeleteannierim.wordpress.com
Annie, thank you so much for being here...and thank you, from both of us, for the prayers.
DeleteOh Andrew! Barb's compassion is not gone. She has a mission right now and sometimes the need to do it overrides the need for compassion. I agree with Kate her compassion will return. This maybe her way of watching you suffer but I'm certain her compassion is still there. She's carrying a heavy load right now. As many said, prayer is the best and you need little energy for that God hears the utterances of the thoughts in our minds.
ReplyDeleteOh God comfort Andrew! His compassion for his wife tells the world he is not as "me" as he thinks he is. He is not as tough and hard as he believes. Lord strength in the days ahead for both he and Barbara. Love them Lord as only you can.
Christy, thank you so much for this, for these kind words for Barbara. These are such hard times, and horizons can seem all too close.
DeleteYou've given us wings to see beyond the curve of experience. Thank you so much!
Andrew, I will be praying for Barbara. He knows exactly where her heart is and exactly what she needs. Your love and concern for your wife is one of things that speaks so loudly in your posts. If I can sense that all the way across the blogosphere, I'm sure your sweet Barbara feels it too. Prayers for you both. ~ Lisa
ReplyDeleteLisa, thank you so much for your kind words, loving thoughts, and prayers...they are needed and appreciated...by both of us.
DeleteI can help, Andrew, by praying. It's powerful, as you know. Praying that the Lord will bring the help and support Barbara needs, whatever that may look like (good suggestions in the comments). He has begun a good work in her and He will see it through. Stand on His promises, our reality isn't the whole story. Praying for you, as well. Heavy prayers.
ReplyDeleteJune, yes...we have to stand on the promises He makes...that is exactly right.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers! These are really tough days, and they are appreciated.
Dear Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the massive amounts of blood, as you've alluded to their exit being through your mouth in large amounts of heaving.
I continue to pray for Barbara. You stated that "detachment is the end of compassion". In some ways, I agree, but in some ways, I see it as a necessary mechanism in which to handle death.
My sister is a Registered Nurse. She is detached from death, but utilizes the utmost compassion in her care for patients as well as their families.
I believe that to survive the tremendous pain of separation that seems permanent at the time, we must cope in whatever means possible.
For Barbara, it is a BLESSING that you have been contagious instead of clingy. You are giving her the strength to separate from the pain and focus on logic and physical tasks, but I highly doubt a lack of compassion.
We all wear masks, and truly, Andrew, your survivalist attitude is contagious and helpful to separate from the overwhelming glut of emotion that usually accompanies prolonged pain and suffering.
True, we do not want to be calloused and hardened, but I doubt your beloved Barbara is either. This is a good caution to check in and be sure you still "feel", but I believe that she just didn't have anything left to offer her friend in that moment. She genuinely cares if she mentioned it later. She is still feeling.
Fear not, Andrew, you are held and you have not poisoned any of us.
Your sister,
Tammy
Excellent point, Tammy, that detachment is very necessary at some stage on the caregiving journey. Spot-on.
DeleteI think you're right, that Barba is not really calloused and hard...she does have to affect the mask yo mention, and wear it when she looks in the mirror. But it's not her.
For myself...I can be an awfully hard person by both nature and nurture...but dogs, cats, and wild rabbits (and cows!) see through it in an instant.
Thank you so much for being here, Tammy. You make hard days easier to bear.
Perceptive and wise. Still.
ReplyDeleteYou're not done yet, pal ...
An extra hug for Barbara from me, please.
No,Linda...not done yet. The road is still before me.
DeleteAnd hugs delivered to The B. Thank you so much, from both of us!
Tell Barbara that we care. She's weary, in need of rest from all of this. I can imagine her depletion.
ReplyDeleteIt's all that I have to give today,
This, and my heart, and all the fields,
And all the meadows wide.
Be sure you count, should I forget--
Some one the sum could tell--
This, and my heart, and all the bees
Which in the clover dwell.
Emily Dickinson
Still praying. Norma
Message delivered, Norma...thank you so much. She is weary.
DeleteAnd I love the poem...thank you for that, and always, for the prayers.
While reading through the various comments, and letting the scriptures sit with me...Joshua 1:9 was in my devotions the other morning...trying to figure out what to say to you...
ReplyDeleteThis song came on whatever channel my husband had on; from Man of La Mancha, and these words brought tears to my eyes as I thought of you and Barb. I'm not sure if you are into musicals, but this is one of my most favorite songs! Praying for you and Barb continually; God IS with you no matter what, and with Barb as well. Praying she can find the support she needs in all of this "caregiving" stuff...it isn't easy AT ALL, believe me, I do know! {{HUGS}} to both of you!
The Impossible Dream
To dream the impossible dream
**To fight the unbeatable foe**
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
**To try when your arms are too weary**
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause
And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
**That my heart will lie peaceful and calm**
When I'm laid to my rest**
**And the world will be better for this**
**That one man, scorned and covered with scars**
**Still strove with his last ounce of courage**
**To reach the unreachable star**
Song Composed by Mitch Leigh,
Lyrics written by Joe Darion,
From the “Man of La Mancha”
POSTED BY ZIZI AT 7:55 PM NO COMMENTS:
LABELS: CERVANTES, DON QUIXOTE, MAN OF LA MANCHA, PETER O'TOOLE, THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM
Andrew, I'm not sure that these words resonate with anyone else in your situation; but as I listened to them being sung, I thought of you and the last part...yes, it IS you who are courage in reaching for that final star, to continue on this earth until you are taken heavenward to your final destination. You are right, we do all die at some point; and how we "live" our final days may be different, but God IS with you for sure!
PERFECT song, Barbara! I can no longer sing (well, never could), but I play it in my head a lot. Along with "Yellow Submarine", for what that may be worth.
DeleteI will keep reaching for that star, Barbara. I promise. I have come to far to give up.
Wish I had some advice to offer but I don't. Will be praying for you and Barbara though, that you know God closely with you and sense his love and peace.
ReplyDeleteCarly, your prayers are the best and the brightest gifts we can receive...and we appreciate them so much!
DeleteIt helped me a lot that my husband made sure I had everything needed to do without him, and the support of his friends to help me. He also said some nice things about me to them that they told me afterwards and that meant a lot, too. I've never mentioned on the internet before that I lost him.
ReplyDeleteOh, Jan. Thank you so much for sharing this...you've focused the efforts I am making for Barbara.
DeleteThank you, again, so much. You've made a difference to us. A big one.
Oh Andrew, my brother... even as I typed out my own thoughts on Time and how I feel like it is elusive and I don't have enough of it these days... you came to mind and it brought clarity back to the reality of time and our days here on this side of eternity! I so wish I had some answers and hands-on help for you and for Barbara... I am praying to the One who does have all the Answers... who IS all the Answers...
ReplyDeleteAnd this: "that stain of detachment will spread, like ink in a bowl of water. It's contagious. This has to be fought, because detachment is the end of compassion..." Oh my... the power of that visual and the reality of the truth there... beautiful and brutal.
Praying for you both... for us all.
Karrilee, thank you...you said it beautifully...the One Who has all the answers and IS all the answers!
DeleteI never looked at it that way. It's perfect.
We so appreciate your presence here, and your prayers. These are hard days; the help is welcome.
My dear Andrew, words fail me after reading this post. But this I know. God is near so lean on Him and feel His love. Prayers and love to you an Barbara.
ReplyDeleteMichele, thank you...leaning on Him is about all I'm fit for at the moment, and I suspect He is saying,"About time!"
DeleteWe so appreciate...and really, really need...the prayers now.
And my prayers are with you, my friend.
Random thought here, but I have a son who is a welder, and he has an incredibly high pain tolerance as well. Wonder if it's a pre-requisite for the field.
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate your sharing about your wife. God is definitely giving you a compassionate heart that sees pain other than your own. I think that this is a rare commodity in your situation.
I suspect that may be true, Michele. I'm not terribly clumsy, but welding has always incurred a lot of burns.
DeleteOne thing I have learned, though, is that accepting pain without overt complaint seems to increase tolerance. Mind over matter...if you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I thank you so much for your kind words...I do my best to keep a compassionate heart, and to try to see things as she sees them.
It's kind of a dichotomy...I'm NOT here, but I can only do my best, and try not to shade her perceived viewpoint to my own 'advantage'.
Thank you so much for being here!
Well, my first thought was, "I don't know." Because I too have felt detachment, as if the suffering has dulled the ability to empathize. But after scrolling through these wonderful comments, I'd have to agree with leaning completely on Our Father. He is the One to heal and change hearts and attitudes. As always you are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteCarrie, you're absolutely right...leaning on God is the ONLY way through.
DeleteLiterally, as I can barely walk now...a lot of today was spent dragging myself to attend to the dogs. I'm getting weaker, and God is my only source of strength.
Still in the fight.
Thank you so much for the prayers!
Oh Andrew.. you are down to bare bones here physically and emotionally. I hardly know what to say. The wise words spoken by many above find an answering "Amen" in my heart. Leaning on God and prayer are two of the best things to do in any situation.
ReplyDeleteSometimes when we're in a lot of pain we shut down inside. The pain remains but we seem to be detached from things. Our focus shifts and narrows to the essentials. Right now, you are Barbara's 'essential' and she is yours. There is no lack of love or compassion for one another, only steely-eyed determination to stay (in every respect) together through such distressing circumstances.
When resources are small (humanly speaking) and problems loom large, we tend to keep to what we know. Anything extra and outside barely gets a look in because our energy is consumed by the task at hand. I sense this is where you both are, loving and living and gritting your teeth in the face of great adversity.
We hold you both in our hearts and we hold you up to the only One who can heal all brokenness and seal all wounds, as well as bring the rest and peace you both desperately need. I offer prayer as a first resort and I wish I could offer so much more, I really do..
Joy, you said this so beautifully...and you are so right.
DeleteI'm here at the end of a truly ghastly weekend, and so ask you pardon for an abbreviated reply...but I so appreciate the kindness and wisdom of your comment, and your prayers are very, very appreciated by both of us.
I'm so sorry to hear this, my friend. I can totally see you being as you've described--not concerned about yourself and getting any kind of sympathy or care. My dad was like that too. He drove himself to the hospital once when he was having a heart attack instead of calling for an ambulance and often would cut himself and bleed all over the place, never asking for assistance or concern.
ReplyDeleteAnd the only help I can offer Barbara is to pray for her and for you, Andrew. It is probably more than any word of advice for her could bring. Hugs to you both!
I think your Dad and I would have been kindred souls...I once had an arm shredded in an accident, and drove an hour to an aid station after wrapping a towel around the wounds. When asked if I needed a driver, I declined...I mean, the vehicle had automatic transmission, right?
DeleteThe prayers and hugs are so appreciated, Beth. I write this at the end of a dreadful 48 hours, and fear for the night, and the morrow. A miracle would be nice, if only to let me keep going 'as-is'.
Oh Andrew! My heart hurts for you, and for Barbara. I have no words of advice, but please know that I continue to lift you up in my prayers. God is the source of your hope and strengthen, even in these darkest of times. May your heart be encouraged.
ReplyDeletebarbie, thank you...He is my encouragement, and as the lights dim He shines all the bright.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers. They are needed. When it seems it can't get worse...it does.
I think the disconnect your wife is feeling could easily be a stage of grief -- in many ways I would guess that she is already grieving the loss she knows is coming, and I think that is probably natural. I don't think you should feel she is "turning into you" in some kind of negative way -- grief and depression and that kind of disconnect you describe are all very similar, but it is most likely a temporary effect of pain and loss. I will be praying for her though!! For both of you.
ReplyDeleteI was reading Anne Lamott's "Bird by Bird" yesterday and found a passage that made me think of you -- I wanted to share it...
"...when mocked by the owner of the kitchen and pressed to say what it is that we have to cry about, she tosses back her head of flaming red hair and says, 'The winds of solitude roaring at the edge of infinity.' How do we, as individuals and communities, behave with that wind blowing behind us? Are we well behaved, striving for dignity and compassion, or is it every man for himself?"
I think you embody this passage in a lot of ways -- standing amidst the winds of solitude, on the edge of infinity, maintaining your dignity and strength with God's help. That fight is, in essence, what it means to be human -- to choose dignity, and to believe in meaning, and to keep asserting our belief that Christ is redeeming all of the pain and suffering, even in the face of what is most painful and seemingly meaningless. And that's amazing.
(If you haven't read Anne Lamott before, Traveling Mercies is a fantastic book -- Bird by Bird is too, but Traveling Mercies is focused more fully on matters of life and faith.)
Sarah, that's an interesting thought, that barbara's reaction may be a stage of grief. It makes a lot of sense.
DeleteIt has been a while since I've read 'Traveling Mercies'; I will pull it out.
And I so appreciate the thought and care you took to find the passage from 'Bird By Bird'. Your kind words moved me more than I can say, and I am deeply, deeply grateful...and humbled. Thank you so much.
Please pardon the somewhat abbreviated (and late) reply. This weekend has been a bit awful.
I've always found when you don't know what to do, pray!Praying that you both are able to give what you need to give, praying that though you both might not understand your reactions right now that God give you with grace and peace that don't rely on sense and logic, just heart stuff. Praying for you both. God knows exactly what you need!
ReplyDeleteMaryleigh, yes...God does know..exactly...and we two independent-minded people need to let Him take the wheel far more than we usually do.
DeleteWe are so grateful for the prayers, especially at the end of what has been a very hard weekend.
Praying for you and of course Barbara. I know what its like to wear that brave face far too long. Have faith that God has her because God has YOU and this whole situation and everyday love is sent up in prayers and positive thoughts that the Lord certainly can't miss!!
ReplyDeleteMarisa, please excuse my delay in replying...you have, I think, heard about the concussion that slowed me down!
DeleteYes, it is easy to fall into the habit of wearing that brave face...when we should really place our face against God's chest and let Him hold us tight.
We so appreciate the prayers, my friend.