Surviving Porn 2 - Killing Evil

This is the second part of a series aimed primarily at women who find that their husbands are viewing pornography - one of the most heartbreaking discoveries a woman can make - let there be no mistake about that. (You can find the first part here.)

To recap, there were two takeaways from the first post -

• It isn't about you
• It's an addiction,. stemming from chemical changes in the brain that viewing pornography creates

Now we've isolated the problem. Let's kill it.

The first step after recognition is confrontation. Not an easy word, not an easy process, but it's something you can't avoid, to fix a problem you can't ignore.

First, remember...your husband's use of pornography has nothing to do with you, or with your relationship. That's hard to accept, I know, and very, very hard not to feel hurt, slighted, or set aside.

Remember - use of pornography is an addiction coming from chemical changes, and it began long before you met.

And remember this - pornography is not about sex. It's about a reversion to adolescent self-stimulation.

it isn't really about infidelity either...your husband is enthralled with and stimulated by images and imagination; it's an entirely closed circle. Yes, it can lead to infidelity, but the causal link is not firm. Don't make the problem bigger than it is.

So...how to confront?

• Be direct. If you've found obscene images on the computer, or links to pornographic websites, say, "I found this on the computer." And stop. Wait for a response; you'll get one, and it will be delivered in shame.
• Be firm, but not cruel. Pornography is unacceptable in your home and your life; say that, in as many words. It's bad for your relationship, and you've been hurt; say that, too, but please don't begin describing how you've been hurt. A man will begin to tune you out, and build defenses. Men are best spoken to in short sentences, with as few syllables as possible...I'm not kidding, here.
• You will probably get an apology, and a promise to change. Accept the apology, and be appreciative of the desire to change...but...

The next step is to get help. Professional help, either from a counselor, or, if you have a solid church connection, from a clergyman (has to be a man, sorry).

Insist on this. Quitting smoking, or dieting is nothing compared to ditching pornography. Your husband will have a hard road, and he needs bracing-up from someone who knows the challenges...not just personally, but from a professional, academic base of knowledge.

• Once you've accepted the apology, insist on counseling...and both of you have to go, initially. Not because you're somehow 'involved', but because, if you're not there, your husband might minimize the problem, short-circuit the process, or just skip the appointment. A man caught red-handed is like a child who will do anything to save face.
• Do allow your husband the choice of counselor. Few things will obstruct the process more than if your husband can somehow feel like you and the counselor and 'ganging up' on him; that kills more marriage counseling programmes than anything. If he's made the choice, it's his responsibility.
• Follow the counselor's suggestions for an appointment schedule to the letter. Don't modify it to suit your needs; you're too close to the problem.

Different counselors have different methods, but you'll undoubtedly find some of these:

• Finding an accountability partner - your husband will be encouraged to find a trusted male counterpart with whom he can be open and honest, and who'll hold him responsible for his promises to change. Again, the accountability partner has to be his choice, and you can never ask about their conversations. They're completely privileged, with the exception of private talks with the counselor.
• Removing the sources of pornography - this means installing blocking software on the computer, loading software that tracks website visits, and keeping the home computer in a common area.
• Removing the sources can also require ditching the 'easy private avenues', such as smartphones or tablets. Dumbphones are still easily available, and if the job requires a smartphone it can be limited to that use...and the employer can track website visits. Tablets are convenient, but not vital. This is a place where a choice has to be made...killing access to pornography, or convenience of apps.
• Time management skills - often, a return to pornography comes from having too much time (especially private time) on one's hands. Eliminating pornography will require a change in lifestyle, a change in the way time is spent. You'll have to cooperate in this; and yes, like a child, he'll have to be kept busy to keep him out of trouble. Not by 'honeydos', mind, but by attractive and fun activities.
• The realization that this will be a lifelong temptation - because it will be. the chemical changes can be minimized, but they can never be fully reversed. Freedom from pornography is wonderful, but remember - discipline is the price you pay for freedom.

And what about sex? That always seems to be the million-dollar question.

If I were preachy...and male, which I am...I'd say, be generous, be forgiving, be understanding.

But that would be, pardon, me, crap.

Ladies, the truth is this...you should do what you feel you can do, and no more, and no one should make you feel guilty about not going further. If you don't feel you can be physically intimate with your husband at this point...don't.

This is an issue that belongs in counseling, but let me offer one bit of advice...if you do choose to continue an intimate relationship, do not accept suggestions for new positions or techniques. They probably came from viewing pornography, and believe me...you don't want that in your bedroom.

For you guys who are still with me...next Monday (February 23, 2015), we'll talk about what to do if you find your wife reading erotica...women's pornography.

Guys, if this is the case, be warned, right now...it is about you.

If you have a moment, please visit me at my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace".

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information. It's run by Beth Steffaniak, who has a heart for marriage and a soul for God!