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Sunday, January 17, 2016

Your Dying Spouse 107 - Don't Give Up On Me!

I'm not dead yet.

Don't give up on me.

Don't tell me, kindly, that the day is coming when I won't be able to shave myself.

Don't tell me that I will have to start giving up the things that give my life meaning.

Don't talk past me. I can't speak well, but I can still think. I'm not senile. I'm hurt, that's all.

It's funny; the greatest support, in many ways, comes from people that have never met me, nor ever will. They don't see the deterioration; they see what I can still write.

The people who see me tend not to read what I write. They judge by whatthey see, and place it into a context of what they've seen in the past.

Don't do that.

Please.

This is my shortest post on record; it's been a hell of a weekend, and I can barely stay upright.

But I am still in this fight.

Please don't give up on me.

If you can.please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them










37 comments:

  1. Andrew, I refuse to give up on you. You are loved. "You is important!" Please don't stop writing words. (((xo))) to you and Barbara.

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    1. Susan, I- we - appreciate this so much! I won't quit. Today I am crawling...literally...but am still facing forward.

      (((XO))) back!

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  2. Don't you worry, Andrew! Not giving up on you, my friend! I know what you mean about people who assume things about you--those that you might see you from time to time--versus those who meet with you through your writing. I feel there is a level of vulnerability that can be approached through writing that is often difficult or lost in day-to-day interactions. I think more of my family and friends who do not read my writing would know more about me and my heart through my writing, but for whatever reason they don't read it. But ... I'm so glad that you've let yourself be known in this space, Andrew. It's a blessing to call you friend!

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    1. That's a very good point, Beth...in a sense, in writing, I step out from behind the Kevlar and Oakleys...you can see the colour of my eyes, and how thin I've become.

      People who see me day-to-day make assumptions, but their assumptions don't take into account that there is still ice in the eyes,and steel in the starvation. I'm a compendium of the sick - and, yes, older - people they've known, but not really me.

      But know this...I am never out of the fight, and will make my own miracle if need be. If God's busy...I GOT THIS.

      Tired of being stomped by circumstance, Beth, and there is nothing worse in this world than a thoroughly pissed-off Mongol.

      And I am proud to be your friend.

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  3. Definitely not giving up on you and the Lord most definitely hasn't (I'm being reminded throughout my day to pray- that's not me, it's Him in me).

    You are God's treasured possession, His beloved son and His Light in the terrible dark.

    Matthew 10: 29 - 32
    Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.[a] 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

    32 “Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven.

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    1. Anna, thank you so much for the lovely Scripture!

      It is a terrible dark...but I am trained to fight in the dark.

      Fear the night, for I am there. That was my calling card, in years past.

      When it is darkest, then the dawn will come.

      I know that God is on my side, and that so are you...and, Anna, that means the world to me.

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  4. I'm not giving up on you either!

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    1. Tara, thank you...I KNEW you were a rock!

      God, how lucky I am to have you as a friend!

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  5. I keep praying for you and Barbara. Thank you for sharing your words, Andrew. It means a lot to me to see that you're still here, still writing, still serving.

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    1. Anita, thank you so much...and it really is all about servie.

      Everything is about service, and responsibility. My life was never about me.

      I so appreciate your being here. I am now crawling, literally, but crawling forward.

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  6. "Don't talk past me" is a good reminder for those of us who are caregiving. I find myself doing that at times in my current situation where I am the caregiver. Thanks, Andrew. Glad you are here.

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    1. Norma, thank you...and you are in my daily prayers. WAY more than five times a day!

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  7. No, Andrew, never. You and Barbara are in my prayers continuously.

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    1. June, thank you so much...that means more to us than you may know.

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  8. No giving up on you here either, Andrew! You hang in there 'til that time when you KNOW He is the one that is calling you home. You have loads to share in your head and your heart; and you persevere to share it as you can...short, no matter!! The words touch the hearts of your readers, no matter how short or long!

    Gotta share this one too...as I listen to music (and I really can't sing "that well" just "blended" with other choir members...but music always resonates with me; and lately, some of the - alot of them! - put you and Barb in my heart:

    Here's today's we sang at the end of a service: "Just a Closer Walk with Him" (and, well, isn't that what you are doing?? Walker closer and closer to Him?!)

    "I am weak but Thou art strong,
    Jesus keep me from all wrong.
    I'll be satisfied as long
    As I (walk), let me (walk) close to Thee.

    Just a closer walk with Thee,
    Grant it Jesus is my plea.
    Daily walking close to Thee,
    Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.

    When my feeble is o'er
    Time for me will be no more.
    Guide me gently, safer o'er,
    To Thy kingdom shore, to Thy shore."

    (The parentheses around "walk" is because I know you are unable to actually "walk" with Him; but in your mind, yes! And that last verse is certainly not meant to be a "downer" but a HOPE to you that He will be there to "guide you safely o'er.")

    Love, hugs and prayers to you and Barb, Andrew!

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    1. I love that song, Barbara! Thank you so much.

      Interestingly, the post that will go live tomorrow night is built around a song...the late Glenn Frey's "Brave New World". I hope you'll drop by?

      I am never out of this fight. God will one day call me Home, but until that day, the volume is loud on this nastiest, baddest fight of my life.

      Wouldn't miss it for the world.

      So glad you're here!

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  9. Wait, you haven't embraced the hipster look yet?! You should totally grow that beard. Shaving is such a frivolity, and we all succumb to the social pressure. (I think the hairy under arms should be limited to males though)

    It is easier to feel accepted by those that don't "do life" with us on a daily basis. Their love and support costs them less. So, we feel that connection. Many of us can tend to take our "real life" people for granted when we have accolades online. The work it takes is wearing on us to be dependent or depended on in person.

    Still, I need to see that before I type and after I type, my best friend is living here in my house and needs my attention more than the wonderful community of "friends" I have connections with online.

    Praying for you and Barbara and the working through that you are having to do. Iron sharpens iron, but it is not painless.
    Blessings!!
    -Tammy

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    1. I did have a beard for awhile...nothing sillier than a bearded Chinaman.

      Also wore Civil-War style muttonchops...just call me Stonewall Hsien.

      You're right, of course, that online connections simply take less involvement...but when the accolades from the personally-known are lacking, you've GOT to peg out a temporary handhold somewhere. The fall is simply too far, and the climb back, impossible, if you accept the on-hand judgement that's often so freely offered.

      True knowledge of worth lies in knowing God, of course...but faith is not always constant, at least not for me.

      Thank you so much for being here, Tammy,and for the prayers! The weekend was dreadful; today, only marginally better. I may simply be too numb to notice!

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  10. No one's giving up here. Stay strong.

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    1. Ake ake kia kaha, Lux. Forever, and be strong!

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  11. Nope...no way are we giving up on ya, Andrew!!!! Keep your chin up, brother.

    Lynette

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    1. Chin's up, Lynette...thank you!

      Heck, I can't ever spell surandur...uh, serrandeer...whatever.

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  12. That's so frustrating! While it must be so painful to see the deterioration, it is so unproductive and defeatist to "anticipate" further deterioration that hasn't yet occurred. :(

    I praise God for the things you are still able to do, and that there is meaning in the midst of all kinds of darkness!

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    1. Exactly right, Sarah. The frustration of having someone else look into their crystal ball and read MY future is just beyond belief.

      There is meaning here, yes. Where there is purpose in pain, it can be borne.

      Thank you so much for being here!

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  13. I'm glad you're still here, Andrew! Keep fighting. Keep writing. You are an inspiration to many. Your words are an encouragement and a blessing! God is clearly using you in a powerful way. Prayers for you today!! And everyday!!

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    1. Thank you so much, Lisa, for being here, and for the prayers!

      I do see, more than ever, that while God has not brought the pain, He's helping give it meaning, and pain with purpose CAN be borne.

      It's a New Awful as I write this, but it's worth it, if only to say that in spite of it all life is still good, and I look forward to tomorrow...and to be able to share that thought, because, as "where two or more are gathered in My name" implies...community is everything.

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  14. Not giving up on you! Praying for you and Barbara.

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    1. Thank you so much, Carly; we truly appreciate the prayers!

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  15. Andrew, thank you for the reminder that words have power. Whether they are from the writer, or the loved one, or the one we'll never meet this side of heaven. Words have power.

    Your words impact me, they make me think, and they encourage in ways you'll never. know.

    I'm definitely not giving up on you, but I am praying for you, often through the days and when I wake up in the nights. Praying strength and peace for you, friend.

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    1. PS—You made me laugh out loud with your bearded Chinaman remark. When my hubby retired from active duty, he grew an almost-beard. There was hair there, but he'd never fit in with the hipster crowd beard-wise. ;)

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    2. And your words, Jeanne, have strengthened my faith...really, kept it from collapsing...on some pretty low days.

      I so appreciate the prayers, my friend...and I am smiling through my 'virtual' straggly non-hipster beard!

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  16. I have not given up, Andrew. I keep praying for you. And neither is He "being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ" Philippians 1:6 Be confident that He is still working in you and through you!

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    1. Aimee, thank you so much! The Scripture is perfect...and a great comfort. Thank you for this, for being here, and most especially for the prayers.

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  17. Andrew - A very important subject for all of us to understand.
    I suspect we do what we do not for the person who is ill, but for ourselves. We want to feel better, we want to pretend it's okay, we want to make it go away.
    Sitting with a friend in pain is not something anyone looks forward to, but love demands we do it.

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    1. Paul, you're absolutely right...and while sitting with someone in pain - and/or dying - reminds us all to painfully of our own mortality, but it's the requirement - and the cost - of love.

      Thank you so much for being here!

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  18. I came to this post because Paul Byerly featured it in his Sunday "Generous Husband" blog as the "must read" of the week. Very touching. I don't know much of your story having only read a couple of entries, but thank you for pulling back the veil and letting us see the real struggle, and valor. I look forward to reading more of your work.

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    1. Nathan, thank you so much. It's been a hard series to write, but comments like yours make it worth every minute.

      I truly appreciate your presence here.

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