(The word's MORE, and I got it in.)
Things are really going downhill, and it's easy to get discouraged. Pain has changed in character, and there are new and dire symptoms. It's all I can do to sit up in the evening, and when I lie down it's hard to breathe.
I've had a very sore throat for a couple of weeks, and it's getting hard to swallow. I could run a trach tube on you, but I can't do one on myself. (And there's still no insurance, nor cash for treatment. Too bad.)
At the end of the day, about all I can do is lie in a foetal position and cry. I'm not asking for sympathy, but I suppose it says something that I can admit it's come to this.
Today was worse than yesterday; and tomorrow will be harder than today.
I'd like to think that God will provide a nick-of-time rescue, but I fear that is the feel-good preachers talking. After all, His own Son was left to die on the Cross.
So it seems that the gift God has made for me lies in the fire, and I have to embrace the flames to lay hands on the gift. Going down in a blaze of glory, if you will. (Click the link for the Bon Jovi song.)
There will come an end to these writings. I can see it, but I'll keep going until I can't do it no more, no more.
I guess the best thing I can do is to offer up the pain and everything else. Offer it up in the hope that if I bear it, it's not happening to someone else.
That would make it all worthwhile, to be the shield. Bring it, God. I'll take the worst, so someone, somewhere, can have it better. I'm cool with that. There are worse ways to die.
But I'm not the first to think this. Here is a prayer that was found among the effects of Andre Zirnheld, who was killed in North Africa in 1942:
I'm asking You God, to give me what You have left.
Give me those things which others never ask of You.
I don't ask You for rest, or tranquility.
Not that of the spirit, the body, or the mind.
I don't ask You for wealth, or success, or even health.
All those things are asked of You so much Lord,
that you can't have any left to give.
Give me instead Lord what You have left.
Give me what others don't want.
I want uncertainty and doubt.
I want torment and battle.
And I ask that You give them to me now and forever Lord,
so I can be sure to always have them,
because I won't always have the strength to ask again.
But give me also the courage, the energy,
and the spirit to face them.
I ask You these things Lord,
because I can't ask them of myself.
I will follow Christ, and I will die to protect you, in any way I can.
Lord, let me die as the shield of another, in battle or (sure looks like this now) in illness.
And then raise me up, put a weapon in my hand, and send me back into the fight.
I can take a bit more.
I can take a bit more.
Musical accompaniment is Mansions of the Lord, courtesy the West Point Glee Club.
A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.
I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.