This will be a short post, as the past few days have been intensely painful and frightening. Not only is it hard to talk, it's become hard to swallow, and any exertion runs me out of breath, and retching.
I know that the most oft-repeated phrase in the Bible is "don't be afraid", but I'm scared.
I'm scared of how bad this can get. I'm scared of the pain that doesn't seem to know when to say, Enough, already, he's had it!
I'm scared of the effect this has on my outlook, making me cynical and sometimes bitter. When I hear a TV preacher saying that we only need a tiny amount of faith to provide miraculous healing...that of the proverbial mustard seed...I see red.
Because my faith is much smaller than that. The mustard seed is all-in, in trust. Its faith is focused.
I'm human, and I'm not.
Statements like that are a slap in the face, bringing bitterness to boil. I don't want to be like that.
And I'm afraid of losing the hope that keeps me waiting for the new day. I don't want to lose that feeling of anticipation that something good may happen.
Perhaps there is a time to give up earthly hope, and to turn to the expectation of Heaven.
But I'm not ready!