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Thursday, January 19, 2017

Your Dying Spouse 261 - Refiner's Gold {FMF}

Back again with Five Minute Friday, hosted by Kate Motaung. It's a timed, keyword-driven writing challenge, and if you click on the link you can find some really great writers!

Once again, I'm writing ahead of time. Last Saturday night (Jan. 14) I went down kind of hard and needed to be resuscitated. I was awake for the process, and it wasn't much fun. (You can read about it here, if you're interested.And, as an update, it happened a second time, on Jan. 18)

I'm still pretty shaky, and having a lot of chest pain (Barb is concerned that it may be a heart attack, and I really hope it isn't). So, I'll get this written and scheduled in the hope that I can edit for the Word Of The Week before it goes live. We'll see.

(The Word is REFINE.)

And so...

It's been suggested by nearly everyone who knows me (including a dear friend who's a committed atheist!) that I should cry out to God about how distressing this situation is. That I should be as a child who runs to Daddy's side and simply weep, asking for comfort.

Makes sense, but it's a bit difficult for me to do.

No mistake, the situation is distressing. Abilities are slipping away week by week, and the pain is ramping up and changing into things that the old coping methods can't address. Nights are long and rather frightening.

Well, days are long and scary as well. This cpr-and-chest-pain-thing is rather over the top.

However, there is just so much good in life that complaining about things that are really rather minor (and in the course of a life, inevitable in some form) seems to be a tad ungrateful.

  • I have a wonderful wife who's taken over, very competently and diligently, as the breadwinner, and who helps to keep a home in which I can still find meaning, even when I can't do nearly what I used to do.
  • I have wonderful friends, mainly online, who are loving, supportive, and kind
  • I have a group of dogs who, although sometimes loud and fractious, are unswervingly loyal and affectionate.
  • I have interests that I can still pursue, in a small way, when I'm able. And when I'm not, Barbara is willing to go to the library and hunt up good books and DVDs.
  • I have a comfortable place to sleep (well, rest), where I don't have to worry about disturbing Barb. And I have two service dogs who do not sleep at night; they stand post.
  • I can see and hear, and, more or less, think.
  • I have the foods I can still eat, and they are of good quality
  • I have safe drinking water, and indoor plumbing
  • I have clothes that protect me from the weather when I have to go outside.
  • I have faith in God.
I could go on, but you get the point. That list puts me so far ahead of billions of people that it's not funny.

So who am I to complain to God about pain and the humiliation of incontinence? Who am I to agonise over the "I'm going to die!" fear when a lot of people are being actively hunted and killed for going to the wrong church...or having the wrong address.

There are times to cry out to God, yes...as Rudyard Kipling pointed out over a century ago

When you're wounded and left on Afghanistan's plains
and the women come out to cut up what remains...

But wait! Wait for the ending of the quatrain

just roll to your rifle and blow out your brains
and go to your Gawd like a soldier.

We, all of us, have options. God will lean into us when we cry out, yes...but He does, I think, hope for steel in the backbone, and grit in the gut, while we can. It's something of a refining process, I guess.

There will be a time to cry out, and it is coming; perhaps sooner than I would wish. But it is not yet.

For now, I'm OK.

And over to Toby Keith for some musical inspiration...



I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.


Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

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50 comments:

  1. This is such a thought provoking way of looking at life in a season of life such as this and I love it because it focuses on the blessings we have rather than the obstacles we are facing. Do you mind me asking, were you in the military?

    Maria @ Kinsfolk
    www.Maria-Baer.com

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    1. Maria, thanks so much! I find that focusing on blessings is ever-more an operational necessity.

      I worked as a security contractor in some places that I wouldn't recommend. Never quite got used to life without the prospect of sudden violent death; I guess I miss the rush.

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    2. Andrew, I only ask because some of your comments remind me of my husband, who is military and has been in some not so good places. I think he misses the same rush.

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  2. Anderew, your perspective continues to astound me.. Thank you for bieing here with your amazing words. And inspiration. Your words speak to so many. KNow that you are loved, friend. We support in the ways we know how. Thank you for the reminder of coniinutin g to trad out to people. We are never c omelette in ourselves.

    Praying often for you friend.

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    1. jeanne, you're so right, that we're never complete in ourselves. This season has driven home that lesson - that I need God, yes, obviously, but that I also had a need I would never have recognized, for community.

      Getting sick was worth that learning. And I do feel loved.

      Thank you so much for the prayers! Dreadful evening, and do need 'em!

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  3. Full on, Andrew :( So sorry to hear about the crazy week that you have had and the extra pain and panic it caused :( As always, you have such an insightful way of looking at your experience and allowing it to refine you... I know it isn't easy, but your continued reflection is so valuable and worthwhile. Thank you.

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    1. Thanks so much, Emma. I truly appreciate your kind thoughts and words...and you're right, the reflective process isn't easy. It is necessary, though.

      Thanks so much for being here.

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  4. What do I say, Andrew? I've been away from FMF for awhile, and I'm "meeting" you for the first time. Your post moved me, humbled me, made me want to know you and Barb. I will be praying for you -- that goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway, just so you know you can count on that. Thank you for your transparency, your honesty, for sharing your journey -- as much as you feel comfortable -- with us.

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    1. Patti, I'm so grateful for this comment, and it's wonderful to see you back here with FMF!

      FMF...for me it means, Finally, My Family! Most of my life I didn't really have one. But finding a home here has been just amazing.

      And thank you so much for the prayers!

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  5. There is a lesson of gratitude in your perspective. To be dealing with so much emotionally and physically and yet you go right to sharing what you are grateful for. This keeps the heart alive. Hugs to you my friend. Praying for you and Barb!

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    1. Barbie, yes! "This keeps the heart alive."

      You said this PERFECTLY! Thank you so much for bringing this insight to the conversation, and thank you so much for the prayers.

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  6. Gratitude is strong medicine, and brings a special kind of rest. Thank you for the reminder

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    1. Love that, Leslie...'gratitude is strong medicine...'

      Brilliant!

      Thanks so much for being here.

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  7. Well, I cry out for you almost daily. O God hear our pleas - bring healing to my friend Andrew - in Your mercy and Your grace.

    Refiner's Gold - great minds - I wrote well shared lyrics, REFINER'S FIRE...xoxoxo

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    1. And I sure appreciate your crying out in my behalf, Susan. Today, perhaps, more than ever. This is kind of rough.

      And I loved the reference to 'Refiner's Fire'; I didn't know the song!

      XOXOXOWaggyWaggyWaggyWOOF!

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  8. Hi Andrew - praying for you right now. And I've add you to my prayer list friend. May you find GOD in all of this. He hasn't left you. And maybe this is the refiner's fire.....Praying for you. - Sarah

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    1. Thanks you so much for the prayers, Sarah - truly! And God is here, immanent, as a comfort and a strength.

      He's a pretty decent God, I'd say. (And can you hear Him laughing at me?)

      So glad you're here!

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  9. Andrew, it's good to see the positives. It's also good to run to God and say "Dad, I see all the good you have given me, but right now....can you just hold me close." It's good to do both.

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    1. Annette, you're right. Absolutely right; I had to ask Him to hold me close today, because the pain just became too much to cope with.

      Thank you so much for being here!

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  10. Andrew,
    You model refining well. Not many people could take the fear and trepidation of death and turn them over into a hopeful happy post ending with a hilarious Toby Keith video.
    You are not the same Andrew from two years ago. And I quote "If God thinks this will bring me closer, He's like a horse trainer who's using a pellet gun as a teaching tool. I know something about horses. That ain't the way it's done.

    I had a life, once.

    And actually, in spite of everything, I still do, because I don;'t believe that God resorts to torture to get His point across.

    This is a world in which free will is absolutely necessary; to become citizens of Heaven we need to choose it. And it follows that such a world also has to allow horrible things to happen to adequate people.

    So God's here, bracing me against the wind. It's me who has to stand. It's me who has to puke. But God's lacing my boots tighter, and yelling GET UP when I fall.

    I have to do the shooting, but God's passing me the mags.

    And yes, I have a life. It's a life lived in opposition to fear and despair. It's a life that will be on the side of good, even when there no good left.

    Send it. I'm here, and I won't back down.

    STOP

    God may be kinda pissed when He reads that. But I'll take the chance; getting whacked by lightning might numb the pain in my gut and back.

    Worth a shot, eh?"


    You now speak with grace and humility. You have not lost your faith but it has flourished instead!!! So thankful for you and Barbara. Crying out to God is acceptable at all times. Pain in the heart, physical or emotional, sends us searching for healing and He is the Great Physician.
    Blessings to you, Andrew. You are a faithful servant.
    -Tammy

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    1. Wow, Tammy! Yeah, the person who wrote that is a long way back in the past.

      He was, in retrospect, far too brittle to deal with life as it is today. But I suppose that chrysalis was necessary.

      Thank you for this, my friend. And yes, it is OK to cry out to God...as I had to, today, because the pain went where I could no longer bear it.

      Quite a lesson. Glad to have had the chance to learn it.

      Blessings back!

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    2. I cry and am moved that you had to, and yet so excited that you could.
      God is real. God hears. And that steel demeanor that has protected you for so long is melting in the sheer heat of adversity lobbed at you like poor Job.
      Underneath? You're in that fiery furnace and walking around with the ropes removed. You're going to come out unscathed on the end of this thing.

      I hope that you find true surrender to Him possible, though you find comfort in logic and rationality. There is a sense, in your heart, that is unlike any logical rational possibility, that I have had.
      I have been in a room where evil was a tangible presence and yet you couldn't see or hear or taste or touch it or even smell it, but it was there even when I woke from the dream and the lights were on.

      Sometimes you have to know evil is real to see that good is also real. You have seen more than your share...may you see more good than you've ever beholden in this new year!
      Love,
      Tammy

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  11. Andrew, there is no doubt that you are an inspiration to us all. Might I humbly suggest that perhaps He wants us to cry out to Him. That He wants us to climb up in His lap and lay our head upon His breast, if only for a moment. That this is something we can do for Him. I believe the blessing of our seeking His presence goes both ways. May you feel His presence and His peace today.

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    1. June, I love the way you put this..."...this is something we can do for Him."

      That's a stunningly brilliant take on our true relationship with the Almighty. Thank you for this.

      I do feel His Presence, and while pain ensured there wasn't much peace...I was OK.

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  12. Oh Andrew! I love your flare for drama.

    **Being a bit silly, to make you smile, even if just a little bit!** I'm glad you're OK, for now!

    You can see me over here today! I'll read the other post about your reviving cpr.

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    1. You gave me a smile here, Kimberly. But then, you always do!

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  13. Life as you are experiencing it refines and pares us down to bare bones, to the core of who we are. And at your core, your faithful heart, is a wonderful man of great integrity, who's determined to seek (scrape?) out the beauty in adversity, express gratitude despite gruelling, gritty circumstances and demonstrate enormous faith, love and compassion toward others. It's awesome, humbling and oh so full of the fragrance and grace of Christ. Andrew, I really admire who you are and feel for you at this the sharpest end of life's existence. With prayer and deep gratitude for you and all you bring to the community conversation. Bless you, brother, for shining His Light through every word you write. x

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    1. My gosh, Joy...I'm honoured beyond words. Your comment truly touches my heart, and gives me a sense of humility that's so very uplifting.

      Thank you for this, from the bottom of my heart.

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  14. You have given me a lot to think about! Thank you for sharing your pain and your perspective. I admire your courage and perseverance. I pray for you and Barbara often!

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    1. Rachel, thank you for these lovely words, and most especially for your prayers!

      You are in our prayers, too.

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  15. Andrew, I'm sorry you've had such a tough time this week I'm amazed and humbled by your continuing focus on gratitude in counting your blessings even in the midst of such suffering, and I can see God refining you and working through you.

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    1. Lesley, thank you so much. I see gratitude as a life preserver...let go of it for even a moment, and I will sink without trace.

      I'm so grateful for your presence here! Thank you.

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  16. I don't have the time to read other's comments, though I wish I did. I have had a difficult week in another way. I got shaky, too, because I am emotionally depleted and stretched by a difficult situation where I have jumped in to try to make better. That comes at a cost, to me personally. It is compounded by a big event coming up and lots of other stuff piling up.
    Last night I called a friend who is wise. I asked if we could speak. First she spent an hour in prayer, and then we talked. Such wisdom came from her. Here are two of them: 1) keep my eyes on Jesus 2) be grateful for the little things all day long.
    Andrew, glad you made it through. Still praying. (One night around midnight God impressed me to pray for you, and I prayed for your physical being, that God would touch every part).

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    1. Norma, my prayers are with you, now and always. I pray for God to hold you extra-close

      I have a feeling that your prayers at midnight may have coincided with an 'episode' here, around that time, because while unable to draw breath I felt myself supported from beneath, on invisible hands.

      Thank you for this, my friend.

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  17. Andrew, you are such a testimony to the power of God in you. To be able to see the beauty and count the blessings you have in the midst of all your physical struggles and pain is a gift from God. Thank you for always inspiring me and all of us who read your words. My heart aches for you and Barb and all you are going through. May He comfort and be very close.

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    1. Gayl, thank you, and yes, I think you're right - the ability to feel gratitude is indeed God's Gift. And I have so many gifts from Him, an embarrassment of riches!

      It's a hard thing to deal with - especially tonight - but if this is the price for learning to appreciate all I have been given, it's well worth it.

      Thank you so much for being here today, Gayl.

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  18. Andrew, I think crying out to God and drawing near to God is the same thing and I believe you draw near in everything you do. Faith is sometimes being very strong when we are very weak, being very brave when it goes against all we see and hear. It is hoping against hope. Faith is the very core of crying out to God. It is done in silence many times. God hears your faith cry. Crying out is not a surrender nor a declaration of defeat. It can be a proclamation of your determination to stay in the battle because you know you are not alone. When it is time to cry out any other way you will know. While God is refining you, He is also defining you. Have not written yet this week. It may be coming soon.

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    1. mary, you raise an interesting point...and I think you're right. Drawing near and crying out are two parts of the same whole. Thank you for this!

      And thank you, too, for correctly saying that crying out is neither surrender nor defeat, but that 'proclamation of determination'. You said this so well!

      I'll be looking forward to seeing your post, Mary. And thank you for being here, always!

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  19. i'm with you andrew. i don't like to ask for help either. but the great thing about GOD is that He is infinite and giving help and mercy and love to anyone does not lessen His supply:) i say that as if i had learned it well. but each time i think i have learned it, i forget as quickly and miss out on His comfort and care the next time I need it...until i get totally desperate.
    of course, He doesn't want a bunch of whiny followers, but i don't think you fall into that category at all:) He promises to be with us when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death as our Shepherd. (psalm 23) how comforting is that? you don't have to do it alone!
    praying for you. thankful for the blessings you have listed. blessings to you today as you walk through this difficult time. glad your dogs are with you too.

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    1. Martha, I love how you said this, that God's giving of love and mercy doesn't lessen His supply. So true!

      And you're so right...we don't have to do it alone. What a gift!

      Thank you so much for being here, and especially for your prayers.

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  20. Dear friend, you, facing death most likely sooner than any of us, are expounding wisdom we all need to hear. Finding your blessings in the midst of your very real, very physical pain. Makes me think of the old hymn. Count your blessings. Do you know it? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZECFq4BvRQ

    praying for you and your precious Barbara. love and hugs!

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    1. Christy, thank you for the hymn...Barbara knew it, but it's new to me.

      And thank you for your kind words, and your prayers. They are needed.

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  21. Your beautiful words lift me up. Your gift of writing is your cry and as hard as it is for you to cry out to God, I hear it in your writing over and over. God is refining and pruning you even in the pain. Thank you for allowing me to learn from you.

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    1. Mary, you made my day...I never thought of my writing as my cry, but you're absolutely right. It is.

      Thank you so much for this!

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  22. To be able to still find good things in the midst of tragedy is a gift to not just ourselves, but all we may come into contact with. However, i do recall many a psalm where David cried out. We are human and yes we cry. May His word comfort you and encourage you. Blessings! Leigh

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    1. Leigh, you're so right. We're human, and we cry...and so did Jesus.

      This was brought home to me shortly after I wrote this post, when the pain reached a level I could not longer bear, and I could only say, "Hold me, Lord."

      And He did.

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  23. You're still here for a reason. Maybe that reason is the way you inspire all of us.

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    1. Oh, Jan, my friend...thank you for this. I am truly blessed by your words.

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  24. I'm glad you're still here friend. Sorry it was a rough week.

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    1. Thanks so much, Tara. It continues to be rough, but I continue, by God's Grace, to be here.

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