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Love and marriage are the greatest adventures in life, and they point they way to our relationship with the Almighty.

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Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Your Dying Spouse 254 - Caregiver Envy

Envy...the yellow-eyed green scaly monster that waits in the shadows.

Or is it?

The Tenth Commandment says that we're not supposed to covet, which is wanting what our neighbour has, and actively scheming to get it.

But what about just wanting what our neighbour has, without plans or ulterior motives?

That's the position in which a lot of caregivers find themselves.

Dealing with adult diapers and memory loss and a sprung back from helping your spouse into the shower, you see your neighbour heading off for a week in Cozumel...and you think, why them and not me?

Caregiving can feel really unfair.

The pat answer is, of course, that you don't know the trails of others, that everything is somehow cosmically equivalent. You're a caregiver, and the couple you envy is dealing with a disintergrating marriage, or kids that are lurching out of control.


You can see that these folks are doing pretty well. And you're not.

And your envy is OK.

You see, what you're doing is not wishing your misfortune upon someone else, in a bizarre kind of 'trade'. You're wishing that the life you envisaged all those years ago, when you took the vows, was still intact.

You are wishing that the potential for shared adventure and joy was still there.

You're yearning  for all that's been lost.

Caregiver Envy is a grieving process.

And it's right and proper to grieve.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.


And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

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  1. Yes I can remember many times having caregiver envy! And thinking "I can't do this another day" But I would do it all over again! Because he was worth it, to me! God Bless Andrew. May 2017 be kinder to you and to all of us!

    1. Paula, thank you for this lovely, graceful testimony of your love and loyalty. You moved me to tears.

      And yes, let's hope for a kinder, gentler 2017!

  2. So technically it's not really envy but more of a grieving process, right? And that is definitely a necessary process that we should not feel guilt over. Andrew, thanks so much for all you share to help caregivers and their loved ones. Blessings to you!

    1. Gayl, yes...I think this kind of envy really is grief. And it's a stage through which I think every caregiver has to pass, at some point.

      Thank you so much for your kind words, and for being here today!

  3. Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted. And perhaps you have just sourced that comfort and validated that mourning. Bless you, Andrew. Matthew 5.

    1. Thank you so much, Tammy! And yes...for the mourning Christian heart, there is that Eternal comfort.

  4. Oh yes there is plenty of envy. I know my life and caregiving situation is not nearly as hard as some. Yet I envy those relationships that have a full and loving one; and they are always traveling and enjoying their retirement. But I am enjoying as much as I can under the circumstances.

    Thank you, once again, for approaching a subject that many may not want to talk about.

    🤗 and prayers for you and Barb.

    1. Barbara, I think that's really the secret, and the way through...learning to enjoy what you can under the circumstances.

      And we thank you so much for the prayers!