It's definitely not a 'drifting off' experience; I can feel the last breath exhale, and then there's no intake of air. It just doesn't come, and vision starts getting tunneled and grey-spotted.
Fortunately the Service dogs, ladron and Sylvia, literally sleep next to my head...only they don't sleep. They are awake all night, watching.
And so, they sprang into action, slamming down - hard - on my chest. Usually they bark; last night they were silent, perhaps because they were too intent on their work.
I've read that mother dogs will do the same, rather more gently, if a pup stops breathing.
And so I came back, with a gasp and a pull-and-push from the girls to get me upright. It was 1:40 in the morning, and you can bet I wasn't about to try to get back to sleep.
It's an exhausting experience, and perhaps the worst part, for me, is a sense of emotional fragility. It leaves me on the edge of tears for hours.
I don't think that's caused by a fear of death; I'm tempted to say it's the sheer unpleasantness of the process of dying.
But that probably misses the point. I think the tears come from a sense of how much this life still matters. Not because of the cool things I can still do, because I can't do them any more.
And not because of the possibility of a future lost, because there's not a whole lot of future. The books that are unfinished will likely remain unfinished; those that are done will likely not see the light of day.
All of the good things I imagined ahead of me are vanishing. And so what?
No, I think that this life matters because it's supposed to matter. We're here for a purpose, and Creation exists not for itself but for us.
We're meant to interact, if only in doing the best we can do, even when no one cares what we do.
God cares.
And when we weep with a sense of what e might lose, I think He weeps with us.
The musical theme today is John Denver's Looking For Space. I hope you enjoy it!
I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!
And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Andrew, I'm thankful you made it thru the night and are still here fighting the good fight. Your words do have purpose and meaning for me because my husband has pancreatic cancer too. The chemo has wracked his body and he's not able to communicate, but he too wants to keep on living. Bless you and your purpose in life, a stranger in MN is blessed by your honest and encouraging posts😊. Stay strong, in Jesus name.
ReplyDeleteKaren, thank you so much...and thank you for sharing this. You and your husband are in my prayers, and I'll keep going to the last...I promise.
DeletePS My husband is a Trekkie too, 😊
ReplyDeleteKaren, Trekkies RULE! :)
DeleteJesus wept.
ReplyDeleteWe do, too. Go ahead. It's ok ...
Linda, thanks. I did weep. It's a very hard thing, and every so often I still break down.
DeleteThanks so much for being here.
Andrew, you are definitely still here for a purpose. Please try to write as much as you can so your words can touch people in the future as they touch us now.
ReplyDelete(And you sure have some smart dogs!)
Jan, thanks...I'll keep writing, and try to push for more. There is purpose from Without, and while it sure isn't fun it seems to be necessary. I don't resent it.
DeleteAnd those dogs are sure smart! The stories I could tell...
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you are still here. Your words and your life matter to us too.
ReplyDeleteI'm not always able to comment, but I do read all of your blog posts. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Praying for peace and comfort for you today.
Blessings,
Rachel
I'm so grateful for your presence here, Rachel, and your kind words.
DeleteAnd most especially, for your prayers!
Oh Andrew! And you explain so well. This life still matters! Thank you for sharing from a frail place-it gives strength to others who feel feeble but are stronger than your current state. They realize they have something worth living for.
ReplyDeleteBless you, friend!!
The song from Mulan-a girl worth dying for...cheesy but one to watch and smile all dopey at Barbara with. You found a real keeper! You two are beautiful to watch together!
Love,
Tammy
Tammy, thank you so much for this. Life does indeed matter, no matter where we stand.
DeleteAs long as we stand, as Dr. Seuss, said, "heart to heart and hand in hand".
And yes, Barb is worth dying for...and worth trying to live for, as long as I can.
Love back, from both of us.
Yes, Andrew, we ARE here for a purpose; and after another NDE, you ARE still here...for YOUR purpose! I am so sorry that this has happened; but so glad to hear your faithful four-legged friends were there for you...just as your two-legged friends are here with prayers and hugs and whatever else we can offer! Prayers DO continue; and here are your hugs...{{HUGS HUGS}} for you and Barb!
ReplyDeleteBarbara, I'm just so glad to still be here. I think the dogs are glad, too. They've been awfully affectionate for the past couple of days.
DeleteWe so appreciate the hugs and prayers!
Thank you, Jesus. The emotions of the thing make sense. Glad you have Ladron and Sylvia, glad you're here.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Norma. I'm glad for them too, and glad to still be here. Would have been unfinished business if I'd left.
DeleteCan't have that.
Yes, Andrew, you are here for a purpose. It was God who slammed onto your Chest. He just used the dogs to help!1 I love John Denver!
ReplyDeleteLove that image, Paula, of God directing the girls where to hit! made me smile.
DeleteAnd so glad you like John Denver! :)
Andrew, when I first read that you stopped breathing, my heart sped up. Yes, I know it's happened before. But you're right. Life matters because it's a gift God has given us. And, YOU matter. Your life adds depth and richness to many around you. You put things so well. I can only nod my head in agreement.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your beautiful post. For sharing your amazing heart.
I'm praying for you, friend.
Jeanne, I have no words but a heartfelt 'thank you' for your kind and grace-full thoughts.
DeleteAnd thank you so much for the prayers!
What a scary experience and what a light you are as you face this fear - not a fear of dying, but the process,as you expressed so beautifully. Blessings as you continue to see your life through God's eyes - greatly loved.
ReplyDeleteSue, thank you so much for this. It was scary - and the echoes are still frightening. But there is meaning to this, and while I can no longer be brave, I'll keep showing up.
DeleteI truly appreciate your stopping by!
You are so right, Andrew! He does weep with us. It seems you are sensing God's comfort in ways like you've not experienced before. Maybe I'm wrong, but the idea that God weeps with us hardly seems consistent with a Clint Eastwood, harsh general type God! I do hope that you're feeling His love and comfort during this very scary time. I know that you aren't afraid of death per se, but as you said there is so much that you must let go of. Those are such precious moments, so why shouldn't you cry about the prospect of losing them. You would be less of a man if you didn't feel that way. Praying for you, my dear friend!
ReplyDeleteBeth, you're right...I do have God's comfort.More than sensing it. It's as tactile as the keyboard under my fingers.
DeleteAnd tears are not inconsistent with the Hard Man. The most sincere tears come from the toughest hearts.
You're right, too, in that there's much of which I have to let go. That's the hardest thing of all, even though I know it will be saved for me, and it will be waiting in Heaven, for God wastes nothing.
But I still weep.
Thank you so much for the prayers, my friend!
And as you are writing, many are still learning! I didn't know about the canine CPR. What a thought--dogs trained to do CPR. I am touched by your writing and all you're going through. I hope and pray that your trust is still in Him and that he gives you comfort in and through this.
ReplyDeleteLinda, thank you so much for stopping by!
DeleteCanine CPR was a surprise to me, but after some research I found that mother-dogs will do something similar to pups who stop breathing - with a good success rate.
They scale it up for me, and to have the "Oh, crap, I can't breathe!" feeling and THEN having two large dogs jumping up and down on your chest, and barking...it's sporty. But it worked, more than once.
My trust is definitely in God. He's in control, and I'm OK.
Andrew, I am so thankful you are here with us. It's okay to weep. Jesus understands. Holding you close in prayer.
ReplyDeleteBarbie, thank you so much. I surely appreciate the prayers - it's kind of a dreadful evening.
DeleteThank God for the service dogs! My companion, The Wonderdog Akita, Misa, died the day after Christmas, suddenly with severe bloat. They certainly are loyal! Welcome back! My post for today is linked in your FMF post comments. :-D
ReplyDelete