Once again, because of declining health, I'd having to write this ahead of time, but I will try to work in the keyword when it's revealed. I ask your pardon for this.
(The word's CONTROL, and it does fit.)
And so...
This will be hard to write, but I have to be honest. I need to find my way back from the place where I went willingly, facing death. Because, you see, I took a wrong turn.
I froze out my wife, thinking I had to be tougher than pain, and harder than death itself. I sacrificed love and intimacy on the altar of what I thought was necessary for survival.
I played a role; I played to an audience of one...me. Control the audience, and you can control fate. Wrong.
I turned away offers of help unless I had no choice. I turned away offers of comfort because I thought they would weaken me.
I turned away expressions of love and care, freely given, because I thought that the more i could do for myself today, the more I would still be able to do tomorrow.
And in so doing I completely missed the point of love, life, and faith.
Life isn't about what you do; it's about one thing, and one thing only...
Life is about how you love.
But it's not too late. I can tun back to the path I so foolishly despised. I can accept the help and affection; I can be open in how much life hurts now.
I can accept a shoulder on which I can cry, and the embracing arms in which I can find shelter and rest.
It won't happen overnight; I have to chip away at the cold stone walls I built that I thought were a fortress, and that became a prison.
I may not make it all the way back, but I'd rather die facing forward on the right road.
The musical inspiration comes from the band America; I hope you'll give it a listen.
The musical inspiration comes from the band America; I hope you'll give it a listen.
I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!
And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Oh Andrew, I am so glad you have realized your need, a need we all share, for the tenderness of love and a helping hand. I know those walls you speak of well. I struggle to keep mine torn down as well. Praying it is a smooth transition for you and that you continue to rest securely in His arms. Love you, my friend! --Mollie
ReplyDeleteMollie, it is hard to tear down the walls...and to keep from the temptation of rebuilding them! But it's worth it.
DeleteThanks so much for the prayers - love you too!
You pour your heart out in a way that cuts to the chase as well as teaches us an important lesson. I agree that life is about how you love. I pray your focus continues and as help is offered you are able to accept it. Love you friend!
ReplyDeleteMary, thank you so much for this lovely comment, and for the prayers! Love you,too, friend!
Delete"I turned away offers of comfort because I thought they would weaken me." Oh, Andrew, that's just what my son did for awhile, but he is making progress with breaking down those walls. It's true -Life is about how you love. I'm so glad our paths crossed, Andrew. I have learned a lot from you. I pray God will bless you and Barb and continue to hold you close. Love and prayers, Gayl
ReplyDeleteGayl, I'm so happy to hear that your son is moving forward in that way. It's so important.
DeleteI truly appreciate your friendship, love, and prayers - they warm my heart.
So much strength in your words, Andrew. Your writings are my weekly doses of reality and truths penned perfectly from you. God bless and I pray for healing for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Bonnie. I truly appreciate your prayers; you are in mine.
DeleteAndrew, I love the transparency of your post. And your words. So powerful. You got it. "Life is about how you love."
ReplyDeleteSuch truth here. And you're right. It's not too late. Humility in loving goes a long ways toward healing and reconciliation. Invite her into your pain. Know I'm praying for you, friend.
Jeanne, thank you so much for this. And I love the phrase, 'humility in loving'. Thank you for bringing it to the conversation!
DeleteI do appreciate, and need, the prayers.
It's so hard but worth it when we let others stand with us in our pain etc. God calls us to love. In fact, love is greater than hate. I'm in the 11 spot this week.
ReplyDeleteTara, you're so right. Letting others stand with us in our pain is a grace and blessing - and love - to them.
DeleteThanks so much for being here! (And sorry for the delayed reply.)
It seems the more we study ourselves the more we understand how stubborn we can be when we just need to protect ourselves. I think that is where I have been lately. Building those walls to protect myself. Hugs, Andrew!!
ReplyDeletePaula, it's such and easy thing to do, building those walls. And often we tell ourselves, well, they're just temporary, until I can get past THIS.
DeleteBut the longer they stay up, the harder it is to pull them down.
Hugs back! And apologies for the delayed reply.
I think sometimes we confuse love with pity. Pity says, "you are weak, inferior, flawed. You need me to make you complete." Love says, " we are both flawed, needy, dependent. We need each other, and right now I am a little stronger." I would underestand the need to avoid pity at all costs. Love builds up the giver and the receiver. Your words make so much sense. Thank you, Andrew, for sharing in your struggles, you minister to so many of us.
ReplyDeleteJune, that's an excellent insight. That kind of pity is a curse, and love's diametric opposite.
DeletePity, perhaps, is the gift that keeps on taking?
Thanks so much for this! And please forgive my delayed response.
Glad you unfroze yourself, glad you released control, and glad you are able to self analyze in ways to make your days better. Be the bunny as my dad would say...The engergizer pink bunny beating the drum. Keep going. Jenn, FMF 23
ReplyDeleteJenn, thank you! And I love the image - Be The Bunny!
DeleteI'll keep going...and please accept my apologies for the delayed reply.
Failure almost always precedes success. The humility in your words reach far and deep into my heart today. They surely speak to my own misgivings. May you continue recognizing and tearing down your own walls and may God build walls of faith and confidence in your heart.
ReplyDeleteMary, you're so right - failure does usually precede success.
DeleteI'm so glad you found something to hold in my words; it makes everything worthwhile, to hear that!
Thanks so much for being here, and please forgive my delayed reply.
Life is about how you love. ❤ Indeed. #fmfparty
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Carolina, and thank you for being here. (And please forgive the late reply.)
DeletePraying for you friend....praying you have peace in letting go of control.
ReplyDeleteBlessings.
Sarah, you nailed the needed prayer! To have peace in letting go of control...exactly!
DeleteThank you for the prayers, and please excuse my tardy response.
These are such great insights and I relate to the idea of building what you think is a fortress and it becoming a prison. I'm glad you've been able to accept comfort and help. So true that life is about how you love.
ReplyDeleteLesley, thank you so much for this, and please excuse my delayed response. It was a rough weekend.
DeleteSo glad to read this, Andrew. God is working in you and in us all! Praying we stay at peace as He continues to love on us right where we are, brother.
ReplyDeleteMeg, thank you so much! God is certainly working on me - He had a LOT to do this weekend, as I am dealing with (along with everything else) the death of a beloved dog, a broken shin-bone, and a really nasty PTSD flashback.
DeleteBut He's workin'.
Thanks so much for the lovely prayer, and please forgive my tardy reply.
Dear Andrew, I am touched by your honesty and insights. Believe me, your wife and your friends will be blessed by walking alongside you, giving care. My prayer is that you and your wife will feel God's presence and love as you let go of control. I'm so glad that you left a message on my blog.
ReplyDeleteCarol, thank you so much for this lovely, warm comment, and most especially for your prayers!
DeleteThanks for being here, and please pardon my delay in replying.
I bet it was a painful realization. Survivors seek to survive in the best way they can manage it. I love it that you came to this point. What a blessed gift to her, you, and the both of you together! GBU!
ReplyDeleteThis is an encouraging post.
Norma, you're right - it was a VERY painful realization, and rather knocked the legs out from beneath my ego-edifice.
DeleteThank you so much for being here, and please forgive the delay in responding. Rather a horrid weekend.
Through it all, Andrew, we all still have lessons to learn. As long as we can, we learn the lessons of life. We all need the love and comfort and whatever others can give to us; and you give so much of yourself through your writing...accept the love and hugs and care and concern and comfort, and whatever you can get, especially what can be given by those who are right there with you...Barb is there for you; I pray for both of you and send my hugs and love and comfort and whatever...thank you for sharing and caring...HUGS!!
ReplyDeleteBarbara, you're so right - it's all a matter of accepting. Hard to do, sometimes, and hard to KEEP doing, but far better in the end.
DeleteHugs back, and thank you so much for the prayers. It was a dreadful weekend, and they are appreciated. (And please pardon the delayed reply.)
Oh Andrew! I loved this: "Life is about how you love." So so true! I've missed you this month and the raw transparency of your writing. So glad to check in on you again and read this. Praying for you and Barb. 🙏🏼❤ STERKTE, my friend.
ReplyDelete(In FMF22 this week)
Dankie, Shauna! I'm so very, very glad to see you here again.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers, and please accept my apologies for the late response.
Andrew, I'm so glad you are turning your heart toward love, life, and faith. Those that are closest to you will be blessed all the more as they walk with you. May God give you grace and strength to chip away at the prison.
ReplyDeleteCheryl, thank you for this, and for the perfect image of chipping away at the prison. That's exactly what happens; I wish I could do a Joshua and the walls would fall, but I built them too strong, and cemented them with pride.
DeleteThanks so much for being here today, and please pardon my late response.
Wow. This happened in my life recently and I didn't realize it. My husband and I moved overseas in the fall, worked about a month and a half, and had our income pulled out from under us... for an expected 3 months or more!
ReplyDeleteAt first it was fine, then we each pulled into ourselves. I never thought of it as a control move. We were both dealing with a bad situation, separately, instead of leaning on each other.
The situation is resolved thankfully, but I'm glad you posted this, so I can learn what to look for in the future!
Red, thank you so much for sharing this. I think you've helped a lot of people with this testimony. And I'm so glad all is resolved!
DeleteThank you so much for stopping by, and please pardon my delay in replying.
I'm so glad that you are realizing that strength is not resisting the embrace of your loved ones or walling them out, Andrew. You've let Barbara in and that's where the weak man turns into superman! I joke but it's so true! And it's also strength of character to admit these hesitancies and walls you've built to us. Throw off that cape of fear and live in the power and courage of Christ who draws you and all of us to Him.
ReplyDeleteBeth, it's no joke! For me to be able to drop my guard, break away the walls...it had to be Super Powers. Not mine, though. Christ, the original and only SUper-Man, showed me the error of my ways. While, I suspect, rolling His eyes so far they were in danger of getting stuck.
DeleteThank you so much for this comment, and for your continued prayers. It was a bad weekend, and they are sure appreciated.
Andrew, repentance is hard. I'm so happy to read that you've finally repented and turned back. I used to feel the way you did.
ReplyDeleteThis devotional post I wrote a fes days ago may be of comfort to you:
http://trinitydigitalministry.org/chains-will-be-broken
You can see my fmf post here:
https://awifesreflections.wordpress.com/2017/01/28/puppet-master-fmf
Kimberly, thank you! And coming from someone who used to be like me, the perspective is sure appreciated.
DeleteThanks so much for the links, on my way there soon. Perhaps tomorrow; I'm nursing a broken shin-bone, and need to elevate the darn thing.
I so appreciate your being here.
Thank you, Andrew for that reminder-life is about how we love. I have to hold on to that one. Very challenging and thought provoking. It's worth asking oneself at the end of each day-How well did I love today and whom? Blessings-Leigh
ReplyDeleteLeigh, you phrased that question perfectly. It resonates with me, for two days ago a beloved dog died, and I had to ask myself just that -0 did I love him enough? He could be a pain, very willful and stubborn...but I think, I HOPE, that he knew he was loved...and that he's now missed. Terribly.
DeleteThanks so much for being here.
Ah yeah, there's still work to do and you model for us what it looks like to do it with strength in weakness, grace in sorrow. I join the gang in praying for you today ...
ReplyDeleteDear Linda, thank you so much for this, and most especially for your prayers. It was a terrible weekend.
DeleteHi again! visiting and enjoying a few of last week's FMFs. What a journey, and what a relinquishing of control as you've been narrating your story! Peace and hope, Leah in LA
ReplyDelete