It's definitely not a 'drifting off' experience; I can feel the last breath exhale, and then there's no intake of air. It just doesn't come, and vision starts getting tunneled and grey-spotted.
Fortunately the Service dogs, ladron and Sylvia, literally sleep next to my head...only they don't sleep. They are awake all night, watching.
And so, they sprang into action, slamming down - hard - on my chest. Usually they bark; last night they were silent, perhaps because they were too intent on their work.
I've read that mother dogs will do the same, rather more gently, if a pup stops breathing.
And so I came back, with a gasp and a pull-and-push from the girls to get me upright. It was 1:40 in the morning, and you can bet I wasn't about to try to get back to sleep.
It's an exhausting experience, and perhaps the worst part, for me, is a sense of emotional fragility. It leaves me on the edge of tears for hours.
I don't think that's caused by a fear of death; I'm tempted to say it's the sheer unpleasantness of the process of dying.
But that probably misses the point. I think the tears come from a sense of how much this life still matters. Not because of the cool things I can still do, because I can't do them any more.
And not because of the possibility of a future lost, because there's not a whole lot of future. The books that are unfinished will likely remain unfinished; those that are done will likely not see the light of day.
All of the good things I imagined ahead of me are vanishing. And so what?
No, I think that this life matters because it's supposed to matter. We're here for a purpose, and Creation exists not for itself but for us.
We're meant to interact, if only in doing the best we can do, even when no one cares what we do.
And when we weep with a sense of what e might lose, I think He weeps with us.
The musical theme today is John Denver's Looking For Space. I hope you enjoy it!
I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.