This may be my last Christmas in this life. It's a weird thing to consider, that a year and a bit from now, the decorations may be up, and I won't be here to see them.
It's not unsettling; I may be a bit more accepting of things now.
But the question remains - how do you celebrate a significant day for what may be the last time?
First, there's no way I'm going to talk to Barbara about that one. I don't doubt that she's thought of it, but to drag the topic out into the open does not seem like a good idea. The straightforward nod to this circumstance would cast a shadow over everything, and if she - or I - want to live in the feeling that everything's OK, talking about it would make that impossible.
Subconscious or unstated knowledge is fine, thanks. The sentiment of emphasis would not be helpful.
And there's little one can do, really. I'm no longer able to go to church or entertain visitors, much less visit friends. I can't keep a conversation going. It hurts too much to talk.
And the thought of taking a good number of pictures for posterity is...well...creepy.
So what is one to do?
The best thing seems to just let Christmas be Christmas. To enjoy the season and the day, and to let them develop as they will. To hope for next year, but we're really only granted the moment anyway...
Hmm. All right so far? What do you think?
But the question remains...is there something we could do, something special, that we'd regret if missed?
I can't think of anything. I really ca...
Wait.
I know.
A really big, premium cigar.
There you go.
Please comment; I truly value your input. I will do my best to reply
here's another ebook that is now live on Kindle..."PTSD And The Holidays - Helping The Veteran You Love". If you'd like a copy, please either click on the cover to go to Amazon or email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com and I'll send a PDF. It;'s short, but if you're dealing with PTSD, it may help.
I'd also like to mention, again, the other two new short ebooks.
The first is "Faith in the Night", which describes why, in the face of a life that has largely fallen apart, I still have faith, and still feel loved by God...and why I still want to live.
The second is a Christmas story, "Angela - A New Mexico Christmas". It's about a boy, his grandfather, and the cow that saves their lives in a blizzard...but she's part of a beef herd, and can the rescued become the rescuers?
If you'd like one or both, you can email me (tempusfugit02(at) gmail (dot) com) for a PDF, or click on the covers to go to the Amazon Kindle pages. They's both 99 cents.
Andrew, Words escape me...which is scary and a bit disconcerting for a blogger...but I want you to know I am lifting you and your wife up during this holiday season. Ya' know, none of us know "the times or dates the Father has set", but most of us don't live with that in our faces, either, as you do. Your blog has touched many hearts, and I'm grateful that you've taken the time and made the effort to share your thoughts with us all.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could make an amazing suggestion for you.
As it is, "a really big, premium cigar" sounds perfect for you ;-)
Oh, and I just purchased your PTSD ebook...thank you for putting that together, too!
Pat (and everyone!) please excuse my tardiness is responding. It was beyond my control
DeleteI deeply appreciate your kind words, and most especially your prayers. And yes, the premium big cigar does work wonders!
Thank you so much for your comment on the PTSD book; I really appreciate the feedback.
:( I think you should enjoy the day with your friends and family doing what you love. Even if it hurts to talk, you should still enjoy their company. As always, still praying for y'all!!!
ReplyDeleteMiranda, thank you...that's how I hope the day will play out.
DeletePraying for you, too!
I can see it now, you and Barbara on the floor surrounded by your pups sharing a big, fat juicy cigar,lolol I'm certain that would be a memory she would never, ever forget!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how hard it must being; knowing what the future appears to hold, and waiting... and then I think, you my friend could have the most amazing Christmas next year for always and forever! One one hand, the contrast hurts to think about on the other how glorious!
I love the image...and I do think it is a memory Barbara will treasure. I hope so!
DeleteIt IS a hard thought, yes, but not as hard as I thought it might be. It focuses the heart on taking each moment as it comes, not with sentimentality, but with the intention of really living it.
Aren't you funny, Andrew! I hope you get some of those premium cigars from "Santa" or Barbara or both! You certainly have this unique opportunity to perhaps know and therefore prepare for your last Christmas. I'm not saying in ANY way that that is a "blessing" but it does give you a bit of perspective that the rest of us lack. It's like that song about how we need to live like we're dying. I'm certain our lives would be so very different ... and much better. Hugs and prayers coming your way, my friend!
ReplyDeleteBeth, I find - to my surprise - that I really can "count it all joy". That doesn't mean that puking my guts out to the point of collapse was fun, this afternoon, but the blessing is a gift wrapped in The Knowing...that it really is possible to value each moment for what it is.
DeleteI remember that song quite well, but I find it a lot easier to let go of the 'big dreams' that were unfulfilled, because the small and seemingly mundane moments are REALLY what life is all about.
And thank you for the prayers!
I have a feeling you might get that cigar, Andrew. :-)
ReplyDeleteBlessings be on you, Barbara, and those sweet pups. Merry Christmas!
Lynette
Lynette, thank you...I'm hoping that, too! I'm hinting for some Gurkhas, and perhaps a Drew Estate "Acid" or two. The later are infused with wine, and leave a delightful smell in the air.
DeleteThe dogs like the smell of cigar-smoke, and even more that I will relax and have a lessening of nausea when I smoke one.
Thank you so much for being here!
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteas the FMF crowd was so inspirational and reverent, I clipped off my postscript and will post it on this post instead, as it was a direct reference to this post.
I still mean all the things I said over there as well, but this last line...I didn't think it fit well with all the sweet and loving posts being shared.
I'm still trying to be the joker in the somber room. Square peg in a round hole.
Joy to you, Andrew. Pure joy!
P.S. I think cigars are stinky. And as soon as you typed about it, I remembered the green faces on the old Disney version of Pinocchio. I hope you have a good chuckle about the boys turning into donkeys and Disney approving the use of the word "jackass" in a children's movie.
That being said, I hope you get to enjoy your good cigar. :D
LOVE the postscript! And I always look forward to your being the square peg.
DeleteYou'rea delight to my heart, Tammy. Thank you for being my friend!
Want a puff?
Aw.. this haunts me. We set up the tree early for my beloved. And we stood in front of it together and danced. Treat it like you have a hundred more Christmases. And, though i do not know you are your beloved wife, talk to her and don't be afraid to do so. Because someday she will bold every word dear to her heart. I do, since my husband passed. Make memories as you would if you were not sick. Hold her hand and hug her often. God will do the rest.
ReplyDeleteI love this - dancing by the Christmas Tree! Though I can't physically do it any more (I walk with abut a 15-degree 'lean' to the right, caused by pain) Barbara will, holding one of the smaller dogs.
DeleteWell, the ones that don't puke when whirled around.
My prayers are with you, and I truly appreciate your being here.
Sorry the post above comes from chriswendysimpson.wordpress.com
ReplyDeleteWendy at Widows Manna.
Wendy, again...thank you for sharing your heart. That means a lot to me. You're a wonderfully brave person.
DeleteAw.. this haunts me. We set up the tree early for my beloved. And we stood in front of it together and danced. Treat it like you have a hundred more Christmases. And, though i do not know you are your beloved wife, talk to her and don't be afraid to do so. Because someday she will bold every word dear to her heart. I do, since my husband passed. Make memories as you would if you were not sick. Hold her hand and hug her often. God will do the rest.
ReplyDeleteAndrew, Enjoy your cigar, and just think about what you will want Barbara to hold onto about Christmas day 2-3 years after you are gone - then do your best to do that. Blessings, friend.
ReplyDeleteKim, excellent thought...and that is exactly what I am going to do.
DeleteThank you for being here today.