The word this week is SEASON.
Execute, execute, execute.
I am not sure how long I can keep this up. The keyboard seems like a living thing, moving under my fingers, and I am chasing the keys to type.
But I have to, because there's no other good way to communicate. I can talk, but it hurts, and now my wife and I keep in touch by email, notes, and hand signals.
Hell of a thing
barbara is in the Season of Death. Mine, and it's much harder for her than it is for me.
Ilive with deterioration. I can fight back against it, hard as I can, and I do. I have an enemy with which I can come to grips.
But she's on the sidelines. She leaves for work in the morning, not knowing if I will reply when she emails at lunch, not knowing I will be conscious, or alive, when she comes home in the evening.
I can't imagine that kind of stress. I have it a whole lot easier.
And when she says goodnight, will it be 'goodbye'?
She's got her own room; since I don't sleep much, and often have to light up a cigar and put on a DVD to get through the night, I sleep on a sofa in the kennel room. The dogs don't mind; they enjoy my company.
And it's the right thing to do, but there's the question for Barbara...will she come out to greet a corpse?
I have a horizon; my body will, I think, tell me shortly before it's about to call it a day.
She has no such hope for closure. Her life is in a constant holding pattern of an unspeakable present, one that she can't 'hope' will end...but one from which she longs for escape.
And that is the Cross carried by the caregiver.
A season of death, a season without end.
Endex.
Aren't you glad you're not my wife?
PLEASE pray for her. Please, please, please.
And if you can.please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
The most recent book on Kindle..."PTSD And The Holidays - Helping The Veteran You Love". If you'd like a copy, please either click on the cover to go to Amazon or email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com and I'll send a PDF. It;'s short, but if you're dealing with PTSD, it may help.
I'd also like to mention, again, the other two new short ebooks.
The first is "Faith in the Night", which describes why, in the face of a life that has largely fallen apart, I still have faith, and still feel loved by God...and why I still want to live.
The second is a Christmas story, "Angela - A New Mexico Christmas". It's about a boy, his grandfather, and the cow that saves their lives in a blizzard...but she's part of a beef herd, and can the rescued become the rescuers?
If you'd like one or both, you can email me (tempusfugit02(at) gmail (dot) com) for a PDF, or click on the covers to go to the Amazon Kindle pages. They's both 99 cents.
Crying over here for Barbara and you of course. I am keeping y'all in my prayers. I stayed up tonight waiting and praying your post will come up on the link up. I was so glad when it did.
ReplyDeleteParked at number 2 tonight
Miranda, thank you...I almost wasn't able to do this. It's getting tough. But I will be here as long as I can, and I so appreciate your prayers.
DeleteYou're special, Miranda. Your courage helps make mine real.
Andrew, I'm praying for you and your wife. I appreciate your honesty in your words. You let me see the real you. I've always appreciated that. God continues to hold you in the palm of His hand. Thank you for pushing through. You matter to so many of us. May you and Barbara feel His complete presence today.
ReplyDeleteJulie, thank you so much...and yes, God is keeping my body and what passes for courage going.
DeleteThere is a meaning to this - LIFE IS GOOD, because GOD IS GOOD.
Thank you so much for the prayers, and for your presence.
Lifting Barbara and you up in prayers, my friend. I've known that season of fright. God's grace can comfort and surround and make the caregiver a little blinded and oblivious in times of stress.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right, Anita. Thank you so very, very much.
DeleteAndrew,
ReplyDeleteyou never knew you'd be able to move so many women with just a few typed words, did you?? You're a regular Nicholas Sparks these days.
Season of Death is real, but oh, so hard to read. And deep down? It's our security that is threatened. We have no control. Over any of it. We never have, but when somebody somehow has a clue as to the end of their mortality, we are fixated. We live sometimes carelessly when there is no hard deadline facing us, but we live shallowly and meaninglessly.
You asked in your writing yesterday whether Christmas would be there for you next year, and how should you celebrate this year?
Intentionally. Your "gift" is knowing that this one really counts. That truly, you may not see December 25, 2015 in your body. (Which, in the midst of heaving is possibly a pleasant thought).
You will not waste Thanksgiving, Christmas, sunrise, deep breaths, or even cigar smoke.
What you have, you give, and it means more than those who have much. Your writing is the widow's mites right now. Every keystroke costs you.
Truly, Andrew, this year, this SEASON, you are a gift.
Tammy, you've moved me to tears. Not easy to do.
DeleteYou're right that we can't have control, and never could, but perhaps that is why God made the world round...so that there is a horizon beyond which we cannot see.
I'm running out of steam., so over to my favourite poet, Henry Lee -
I see no gleam of victory alluring,
no hope of splendid booty or of gain.
If I endure, I must go on enduring
and my only reward for bearing pain - is pain.
Yet though the thrill, the zest, and the hope are gone
something within me keeps me fighting on.
I will never bloody quit. The world may burn down around my feet...but I will remain, in the company of the shades of those who fell at my side.
Ducemus - WE LEAD.
Tammy, your words are so filled with love and truth, they almost hurt. xo
DeleteSusan, I am hugging you right now! XO
DeleteYes, Tammy, your words are beautiful and bring me to tears - just as Andrew's have with this post as well! Thank you for sharing your heart with us as you comment to Andrew who also shares his heart and soul!
DeleteAndrew, your words, they move me deeply. Your heart for Barbara . . . beautiful. Thank you for sharing so transparently. Thank you for inspiring with your life, your words, your passion. I'm praying for you both, my friend. Night and day.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being here, jeanne, and for the prayers. The words come harder now - but I am so glad they are still coherent.
DeleteAndrew, I so appreciate your words here every week, even when I don't stop to comment. You remind me that life is short and every moment is a gift. It's so easy to take my husband and children for granted, to get annoyed by their quirks or raise my voice in exasperation, but all I need to do is imagine life without them, and immediately I'm reminded that their presence is a gift. Your posts always make me shut the laptop and go curl up next to my husband, squeezing him a little tighter as we fall to sleep. And that's what I need more of. Less work, less facebook, less procrastinating, and more loving the people in front of me. Thank you for your ministry here.
ReplyDeleteOh, dear Asheritah...all I can say...all I have the energy to say...and perhaps all that needs be said is Thank You, from the depths of my heart.
DeleteAndrew, I'm so moved by your love for Barbara + your brave honesty. Your words are gifts in days, moments, and breaths. Praying for you tonight. God is with you. Thank you, courageous writer.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank YOU Christina, for being here, and for the words in your post tonight, which so brightly shine in the spirit of the season.
DeleteGuys, please drop by Christina's post - she's #10 on FMF, and she's caught lightning in a bottle.
I just read "A New Mexico Christmas" tonight. What a lovely story!
ReplyDeletePraying for you and Barbara. May the Spirit comfort you both like a soft, warm quilt.
Thank you so much for the prayers, Constance! And I'm so glad you enjoyed meeting Angela!
DeleteOh Andrew, these words. Praying for Barbara and for you too. So, so hard. The pain etched in your words remind me of my Mum. In the end all she could communicate with were her eyes: but they said so very much. The love you are gifting your wife right now is precious.
ReplyDeletePraying God's peace that passes all understanding upon you both and His comforting arms around you both.
BTW just in case you feel it would be a support to her later: I have a friend who keeps a blog at Widow's Manna (Wendy Simpson) who has been a beautiful encourager in my journey of grief (not the same, I know).
BTW Thank you for visiting my blog, Joy of the Spirit Within. I'm glad you did.
Anna, thank you for the prayers. They mean a tremendous amount to us.
DeleteI will tell Barbara about Widow' Manna. Thank you for this.
I love Tammy's comment, Nicholas Sparks. Dear Barbara - I cannot even imagine. Andrew, brother, bless you a million times over. Barbara, you are in my heart. (((xo)))
ReplyDeleteSusan, all words fail me here, except...thank you.
DeleteDear Andrew and your lovely wife.
ReplyDeleteThis was a beautifully hard post to read. I have been your wife. The caregiver. And this post was haunting, as it is much like what I might have read is my dear beloved husband woukd have wrtten a blog.
Mybheart and my prayers goes out to you and you dear wife. Say,"I love you," as much as you can, even if it is just with your eyes or a squeeze of the hand. She will remember these gifts the most.
God be beside this dear family, hold them close and bless them in spite of the pain and the valley they walk through. Strengthen them and shine light in the darkness. Andrew, I am praying. My heart goes out to you both. Even in this place, He loves you more then is imaginable.
Wendy from "Widows Manna"
Oh, Wendy, your words mean so much! Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.
DeletePraying for Barbara right now, Andrew. And you, too. May you each find deep comfort and some whispers of joy in the midst of these unsettling days. Know that you are loved and valued by your growing online community.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile ... don't smoke that cigar in bed!
;-}
There is joy, Linda...more than one might expect. Far more than I would have thought possible!
DeleteAnd I do feel loved. I thank God for the Internet. It's my lifeline.
No worries about smoking in bed. I don't have one; I sleep on an ottoman in the kennel. Being needed by the guys is a big part of what keeps me going.
But I don't smoke on the ottoman, either.
Andre, praying for Barbara and you. Death is so hard especially for the caregivers. My friend Laura lost her battle with cancer on Monday. Her daughters were caring for her. They've been in my mind all week. I shared Ecclesiastes 3 in my post this week. I'm over in the 46 spot.
ReplyDeleteOh, Tara! I am so sorry, and you are in my prayers.
DeleteTammy sums it all up so beautifully here. You ARE speaking to so many through these written words, however painfully executed they may be to write - and for us to read. Maybe we wouldn't want to trade places with Barbara right now, but oh how loved she is and oh how much her husband cares how she feels about his demise!
ReplyDeleteThe gift you give to your wife is loving her well through her pain while going through your own. The gift you give to us is opening a window into our imminent mortality, because who knows when life will end or Jesus will return? We need to see how to seize the moment, hug a little harder, hold a little closer, love a little better right here, right now. Thank you, friend. So many lives are touched by your story and will continue to be. Your words and your spirit will live on. Praying for both of you to be at peace and to enjoy whatever precious moments are granted you to the full.
Joy, thank you so much for this! I have to confess that I would love to JC JC drop by before I set off...much nicer to all go home together!
DeleteThank you so much for your prayers. They mean a lot to me.
Praying for you, sir. And of course your wife. How hard the season you are in. But glad to know that you know the Savior. I recently lost my aunt (on Thanksgiving) to a massive stroke. That is hard, of course (and harder for her children and grandchildren). Thank you for bravely sharing your experience (even though it is a physical struggle). The world needs your words.
ReplyDeleteBecky, thank you - and I am praying for you in your loss.
DeleteThank you for being here. I truly appreciate you.
I pray for both of you every day. As a widow, I understand even though my husband wasn't sick for long.
ReplyDeleteJan, thank you - with your experience, your perspective is very important to us.
DeleteKeeping both you and especially Barbara in my prayers. Peace, Andrew, and gentle hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Janet...and I'd never be one to pass on a hug!
DeleteJust ask Denali the Happy Husky - she loves to give out her own invention, Husky Hugs. Hugs and doggy laughter!
Andrew I wonder daily if I'm gonna visit your bright orange swirly blog home to see a new post. Or if this corner of the blogosphere has gone dark. And I know I'm not alone. You shine a bright light brother and we'll all be sad when your light joins Jesus. But I cannot imagine the walk that your precious Barbara is having to take. Loving you and not being able to help you,or comfort your hurts. I am lifting you and Barbara up before the throne of the Almighty often. Oh Lord Jesus grant peace and grace to this precious family! Give Andrew and Barbara strength for the coming days. Bless their family and friends, those that are a part of their real lives and not only in the blogging world. Comfort them Father as only you can!
ReplyDeleteNever alone, Christy. I hope this cornet of the Internet stays lit for a long time - in spite of it all, I still really enjoy life.
DeleteAnd thank you for the lovely, moving prayer. I'm printing it out.
I'm so sorry Andrew. For your pain, and for Barbara's. May she have comfort in your love, may you have comfort in God's love. It must be so hard, for both of you. I can't even imagine, yet I pray for comfort and tenderness for you both.
ReplyDeleteJules, thank you so much for the kind thoughts, and especially the prayers. Knowing you're being held up in prayer...that means more than I can ever say.
Delete:-) you're doing so great, Andrew... and so is Barbara. Wish you could have been a fly on the wall of our office today - we 'do a little dance' for every small reason to celebrate. Even the most reluctant 'dancers' wiggle their arms about when I give them a hard stare. So... SnOoPy DaNcE on...
ReplyDeleteDancing, Ruth!
DeleteFunny you should mention it, though. Barb rides a commuter train to Albuquerque during the week, and when she complained (by email, during the journey) of being tired, I suggested the following - that she jump up and down in the aisle, flap her arms, and yell, "Cock-a-doodle-do, I AM A CHICKEN!"
She said it worked quite well.
Your words are so powerful, Andrew. Both you and your wife are in my prayers. I can't imagine what either of you are going through but I know God is good and my prayer is that He showers you both with peace and joy in the precious moments you have together. Life is precious, every second... you and your wife are so strong.
ReplyDeleteAmy @ http://www.livinglifetruth.com/
Amy, thnk you so much for the kind words...and for the wonderful prayer. I truly believe in the power of prayers, and yours is so very strong!
DeleteThank you for being here!
This breaks my heart. Bless the two of you. Barbara is courageous, just like you.
ReplyDeleteNorma, thank you...breaks my heart, too, but isn't it nice that our hearts are made of wood, that a carpenter can mend them?
DeletePraying for you and for Barbara too, of course! You are so loved and I pray His Presence warms and reminds you that you are held... that Barbara is and will be held... and though we hate this --we trust that on the other side of eternity, things will make sense - or at least the making sense will matter so much less because you will be in the Presence of God in fullness... healed and whole! Praying that the enemy is held at bay and trusting that you will live every single one of the days that God has gifted you, brother! He fights on your behalf and we stand with you!
ReplyDeletekarrilee, thank you...and it does make sense now. Illness isn't either a judgement or a test, but it IS an opportunity to witness that God's love is true, and that while He hates this more than I do, He is looking beyond the horizon, and is showing me the way to make something worthwhile from the pain.
DeleteThat's what I am trying to do. God is always good, and He is good always.
Thank you so much for being here!
My heart breaks for you both. I will certainly keep your wife in my prayers, Andrew. And you too!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Carrie - the prayers are both appreciated and needed.
DeletePraying for Barbara, praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLisa, thank you for the prayers, from both of us - we truly believe in their power!
DeletePlease know we are keeping Barbara in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am thankful we got to spend time with you while you could still speak well.
I'm glad too, Paul. You were probably my last visitor; barring a miracle, I will not be able to function that well again. I haven't left the house since then.
DeleteWe so appreciate the prayers! And ours are with you and Lori, on your Odyssey.
You're absolutely right about her, Marie. She appreciates your prayers. And so do I.
ReplyDeletePaul linked up with you, so I found your site. Looking into the near future I believe my wife will be in your position and I will be in Barbara's. I am trying to gain some insite, so thank you.
ReplyDeleteMic, thank you...and my prayers and thoughts are with you.
DeletePraying for Barbara. Praying for you. Comfort, peace and strength of mind. Amen.
ReplyDeleteJune, thank you so much for the prayers, from both of us. They mean a lot.
DeleteI'm so glad that you look at things from her perspective constantly, Andrew. I'm sure you have a lot of time to think and reflect. I suppose that's what we would all do if we were staring down inevitability of our death being so imminent. I have to say it's rather painful for me to read your posts as you progress--not in a good way. You have made an impact by your words, Andrew. You have many friends and I am one of them that is grieving the life you must live and the death that awaits you. Prayers for you and Barbara!
ReplyDeleteIt's sometimes painful for me to write these, Beth. Both physically- I never thought that the act of typing could hurt so much (and I can't speak well enough to use a transcriber) - and emotionally.
DeleteBut there is a far brighter side, and it is this - that I have the opportunity to savour each moment, and in reflection, I realize that in this life...I did OK.
Absent the grand dreams that are now out of reach, I stayed pretty true to my core values. I can live with who I am. And die with it.
We really appreciate the continued love, prayers, and support.
A powerful post Andrew. Thank You. Prayers for Barbara, that she not awake to or come home to a corpse but that she is with you when you take your final breath. God bless both of you and your dogs.
ReplyDeleteMichele, thank you...your perspective means a great deal, when you comment, and I treasure your prayers, and your friendship.
DeleteTears, Andrrew! Just that...tears. You share each day, each HARD day, you share your heart and soul with your readers...no, your friends, your followers! Bless you, Andrew; bless Barbara and the pain she must feel each and every day...I do NOT know how she feels; I do NOT know how you feel...but I do know there are many many many folks praying for you both and God is there...for whatever you need.
ReplyDelete