This week's keyword is REFLECT.
A word of warning - there is some raw language here, because this is a raw subject. A warning, yes, but not an apology. You want real - here it is.
Execute, execute, execute.
If I could have been in denial about being fatally ill, the last three days have evilly underscored the situation. I am hoping for a miracle, but realistically, I'm not gonna make it.
Too bad.
Under the circumstances, one does reflect on one's life.
In many ways, I'm a failure. The wars I fought did little to prevent that which they were supposed to prevent. A lot of good guys got turned into hamburger for nothing, and one of the topics - the drug trade - is grist for the stand-up comedians' mill. God how I hate those smug bastards, and their stupid damned jokes.
There's blood there. And those son-of-a-bitch humourists are making a name and a profit from drug joles.
I became an academic. And I failed at that.Not the teaching, not the research - I screwed up the politics, because I thought there was honour there. Turns out I was wrong.
And I have failed as a husband. I am grateful that Barbara is still here, but she married something that should have been locked up in a glass case marked "OPEN ONLY IN CASE OF WAR". It may sound romantic; it feels almost self-serving to write that. But living with me took a toll. Right now she's listening to a Michael Buble Christmas music TV show...and all I can hear is the silence of a dead village, and all I can feel is the rage that the people who once lived there would never know another Christmas.
\\
She's in the other room, and we're not talking about that. But she deserved better.
I didn't fulfill my dreams, of writing, and in aviation. I have a few novels "in the drawer"; all I can do is try to get them self-published, but they'll never see wide circulation.
I'm a failure.
But, wait...NO, I AM BLOODY NOT.
There are twenty-one dogs in the house, and three more who prefer living outside, who had no place to go. And yes, I ruined barbara's dream of House Beautiful (of which she had every right, mind you).
But they are here, and alive. They have love, and I think hope, and I hope happiness.
It's not perfect. When you're bloody wasted by pain you can't devote the attention...
But I love them.
They deserved a chacne to live free from fear, to live with the knowledge thatthere would be a friendly and kind hand waiting, serving them food, pulling burrs from their paws.
These are small souls, yet co much greater than mine.
On reflection...
I FUCKING DID IT RIGHT!
Endex
If you can.please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
I'm glad there are people like you who can rescue dogs and I'm pretty sure Barbara thinks she married the right guy.
ReplyDeleteAlways praying for y'all
Miranda, thank you so much! This was a terribly hard post to write. I'm so glad you came to read it.
DeleteAnd thank you so much for the prayers. This has been the most grotesquely painful day of my life. Being able to write anything is God...not me.
Andrew, great post. I hear perspective in each word. If the world is doing the naming, the defining, then perhaps you fell short, but so do all of us. If God is doing the defining, you are a huge, whopping success. You love well. You're loving Barbara as you're able, loving those dogs who look to you, have bonded with you. You're a huge encouragement to many. Yes, my friend, upon reflection, you are succeeding.
ReplyDeleteJeanne, thank you so much. If there's one thing I have learned through this journey, it's that Paul is right, "...the greatest of these is love". I would not trade this perspective for a restoration of health.
DeleteAndrew,
ReplyDeletewell, I'm glad you're not wallowing in a sappy end-of-the-year "reflect on what I'm missing" post. ;)
Truly, I have so appreciated and respected your lack of shallow fluff more than anything. It's not that what you are going through is easy or romantic, but you are realistic without despondency. You don't dress up things that need not be dressed up, and yet your sense of decency prevents this from being too detailed for the general audience.
Psalm 139 clearly states that you are not to see yourself as a waste or a failure of any sort.
And, I'll remind your audience of Ephesians 2:8-10 (but the entire chapter warrants the attention tonight)
"8 God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. 9 Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. 10 For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
He planned for you to fight, to teach, to marry, and to love your pups. He planned for you to keep showing up on Fridays.
Part of me is tearful, knowing that next week's FMF might be your last...or even tonight, but how many of us have a guarantee on next week?
Blessings to you, courageous Andrew. You have fought a very good fight, and though we cheer you with each fighting breath, I know we wish your suffering to cease.
Praying as always.
~Tammy
Tammy, thank you for this, and I will read and meditate on both 139 and Ephesians...good stuff!
DeleteTruly, from where I stand now...surrounded by dogs, of course...it wasn't a waste. None of it.
I'll keep fighting, hoping, and praying for the miracle that will let me keep going...net Friday, and for many to come.
Andrew, when it was quiet at your place, I thought it might be getting worse. That breaks my heart because you've been such a blessing to this community. I think of the wise words from my friend Laura before she passed "Be patient with yourselves while you're grieving and tell the people you love that you love them and know that you are loved too." Hold tight to those words my friend. I'll bet Barbara and those pups know that you love them. And they love you! Blessings! I'm in the #11 spot this week.
ReplyDeleteTara, yes...it is getting worse, and sometimes I wonder how long I can keep going...but somehow there's always a way. It's on Him now, not on me, and I guess it always was.
DeleteYour friend Laura packed so much wisdom into those words...I am so sorry for your loss, and so glad that you'll see her again, in that place to which she's gone, where there are no more goodbyes.
Praying - and shedding a few tears - for you, my friend.
I came to your post first this week. This is only my second week in this community, but I appreciate your authenticity so much (not that others aren't authentic, but you don't come across very many stories like yours in the blogging world). I am thankful that you share. I'm glad that you remember those who don't get another Christmas, and remind us about them.
ReplyDeleteBecky, I am so glad you're here, and so happy that you're a part of FMF! This is a wonderful, loving community, and is a huge part of what keeps me going. I live for FMF, sometimes...like this week.
DeleteThank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. They are a treasure for me.
I think Miranda's right. Your wife is probably more sure than you think that she married the right guy. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I'm so glad you're still around. Believe it or not, you come to mind from time to time, even when I don't do 5 Minute Friday.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad for all of your dogs. May they bring you joy. Praying for you right now. Take care of yourself as best you can. Not easy to do in such pain, I'm sure.
Thank you, Betsy. I do my best by Barbara. Every day.
DeleteI'm so thankful to still be here, and to still be able to contribute to FMF. It's a lifeline...and I am very grateful for your thoughts and prayers.
The dogs are a joy. A noisy, unruly joy at times...but they provide the need to literally keep moving, to care for them. I think that's a big part of dealing with an illness such as this - to be needed in providing for the physical needs of others. Sometimes it's not easy, but I would never ask to be relieved of this blessed duty.
Thank you for sharing in honesty your words with us here. I'm grateful you are still with us and I'm grateful you have those who love you around you... Barbara and your furry friends! :) You are in our thoughts and prayers!
DeleteI didn't see much "language"...bloody and one F bomb. Not bad for your case. I didn't realize you were a vet. My brother in law is serving now, and I will read your book about PTSD on his behalf since he is joining us for Christmas. Also, I will read ALL of your books. I'll splurge that $3 for some new Kindle reads. SO...your books are not going un-noticed. I have a few ebooks too. Most writers feel the same by the way...who reads what I write? Does it matter? Yes, to us it does. Yes to Our Father it does. He knows our hearts and he smiles big when we share the broken pieces with others. In fact your words remind me of the Advent devotion I read this morning from Ann Voskamp's Unwrapping the Greatest Gift book (by the way if you don't have it...order it for your wife!) She said on page 55: "Some days, when you feel brave, you can give yourself a gift and tell someone what has torn your heart. Some days when you feel brave, it's almost like you can reach through the pieces where your heart feels torn and touch the gentle peace of God." Yes. She is a GOOD writer! You are too. I am as well. Why be humble? We are each doing what we are called to do. It matters. Each day matters. Invite your wife into the bedroom and put on the Michale Buble and snuggle a few of those 21 dogs and her. ;) Jenn
ReplyDeleteJennifer, thank you...and I hope that my writing can bring you something of the hope and love that I feel, and tried to express when I wrote them.
DeleteThat's what it's all about...faith hope and love, with the greatest of these being love. Paul was pretty smart.
I'll definitely get Ann's book for barbara. She'll love it. And I will step over to Amazon in a minute to find your books. Thank you for that heads-up!
My bedroom is actually the 'main kennel room'; I don't sleep much, and Barb needs solid, uninterrupted sleep (she's an accountant), but we did spend some time together, listening to El Buble. He's good.
Andrew - You matter. Period. (Bad language and all, because sometimes nice, pretty words don't express what's really needed.) Prayers continue. Gentle hugs to a good man.
ReplyDeleteJanet, thank you for this - your words mean more to me than you may know. I so appreciate the prayers, and the gentle hugs. Right now...this is a truly awful morning - I sure need the,
DeletePrayers ascending for you, for Barbara and for your critters. You DO make a difference. Your words and actions DO count. You are a beloved child of God and there is holiness in the mundane that we do for the least of these--whether they have two legs or four paws.
ReplyDeleteAnita, thank you so much...and yes, even in the small things, the smallest things we're able to do, we do count. It all makes a difference, because I believe that God saves the good in His Heart. Maybe it's heretical...but I believe works DO matter, because they're the manifestation of our faith and our love for those around us, and our love for Him. (James agrees with me...though to Martin Luther's displeasure...he called James letter 'that inconvenient epistle'.)
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers. Need them today. Still going, but this day is awful.
Andrew. Truth be told, you ARE a failure, we ALL are! Just different fails. I could tell you the many ways I've failed my husband, my children, my friends, my church etc. this year but Praise God! Christ wins. You win. You are His workmanship created for His purpose. And apparently, you are nearer serving the purpose He had designated for you than most of us (although we never know, a homeschoolmom in our community with little ones still at home, lost her husband a couple of weeks ago in a wreck). I'm sad that you didn't get to fulfill your dreams but apparently God is near fulfilling HIS dream for your time on planet earth.
ReplyDeleteYou never know the sphere of influence you have. I mean seriously, you're dropping an F bomb and have a bunch of christian women leaving comments to encourage you...lol. Good thing Barbara isn't the jealous type...it would be ANY man's dream, lol.
If your post that I found last weekend is correct, Barbara CHOSE to marry you AGAIN! A 2nd time. She certainly knew what you were and who you were after the first go round and yet she said I do again until death and she has and she will.
Should you be angry? Oh YES! It's not fair. Death is NOT fair! But life everlasting isn't fair either and OH JOY, we have that promise and that assurance as his children.
I am so thankful that you showed us, your friends, your ugly side today (at least a little of it, as I'm sure the REAL, RAW, ugly is much worse).
Hope I didn't fuss too much :) Always praying for you and Barbara.
(not parked at Kate's yet because I have to think on this prompt, it's not an easy one for me).
Christy, you said this beautifully - thank you. We are all indeed failures, and we reflect Jesus in a mirror that's badly cracked, or worse. But the important thing is keeping the mirror up to the light, because it's also a signal mirror..."Jesus, HELP!"
DeleteAnd yes, Barbara did marry me a second time, after I thoroughly blew the first chance. I am truly blessed by her love and her presence.
The love and acceptance from the FMF community...my gratitude goes beyond words. And thanks so much for overlooking a few words, there...I though of editing them out, and then realized that if I can't be real with my dear friends, what do I call friendship?
I so appreciate the prayers, Christy. We both do.
Bounced off of you today on my reflection post. Parked at 36? I think. Yes Andrew be real with us!
DeleteI do detest late night comedians using tragic events as fodder for pitiful jokes. There are some subjects that are off limits. And good taste is getting harder and harder to find.
ReplyDeleteBut I digress.
Meanwhile ... you don't look like a failure to me.
I sure agree, Linda. Some topics simply aren't grist for the humour mill. And good taste seems to have been unfortunately replaced by "in your face". Ugh.
DeleteAnd...thank you.
What's an F bomb among friends? And, friends, WE ARE. I always love Tammy's comment - she's the real deal, eh? I don't see FAILURE written anywhere, or L across your forehead - we will be the Losers, when we no longer see you in the lineup. We won't forget Barbara. xo
ReplyDeleteJust this... yes and amen to this! We love you Andrew, and we continue to stand with you and pray... for you... and for Barbara, too! It always brings such joy to find you in the link up!
DeleteSusan, thank you so much...you've brought a tear to my eye. A good one. And thanks for remembering Barbara. She's got it harder than I do, in so many ways.
DeleteKarrilee, thank you so much! It always warms my heart to see you here! We truly appreciate the prayers!
DeleteAndrew, I have been checking in every week but haven't commented in a while. Your post as always is so poignant and raw and challenging and inspiring and heartbreaking at the same time. Thanks for continuing to pour our your heart! And just for the record, I've never known you as a failure - you've only been a success in my book. Someone living (and dying) incredibly well, gifted at expressing yourself through writing, one of the most encouraging voices helping me through my prelim craziness, and an overall cool guy. Those pups and Barbara are indeed blessed. :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, I have to agree this academia thing would be so much better if it weren't for the politics...
Praying for you as always. ~Katy
Katy, thank you...and I am blessed by your friendship. It's really amazing...we will never meet, but your name and voice are as real to me as if you'd just walked in the door.
DeleteAnd yes...academic politics...sheesh.
Thank you so much for the prayers, Katy. I truly, deeply appreciate you.
Andrew, I always admire the way you keep it real here, no dressing things up to seem less than they are. It's a gritty reality you are living with and a hard call to live out. Most of us don't carry a daily awareness of our mortality, yet death will eventually come for each and every one of us at a time of its choosing.
ReplyDeleteAnd you, my friend, are choosing to cling tight to life, to fight brave and bold and love those who need your love. Their world (and ours) is a better place because you're in it. Never forget that you still count for something beyond what eyes can see. Your words here are eagerly read, devoured and responded to. I see the same happening in your absence as the written words you've penned into books live on. We won't forget you, or Barbara. You matter more than you know, you really do. Blessings and prayers.
Joy, your words both humble and inspire me...through rather a lot of pain, and I have to slap my face to remain alert enough to reply.
DeleteI so appreciate this. I am doing the best I can, and to have the feedback that it's indeed worth it...that's worth more than any amount of money.
The prayers are so appreciated, Joy, thank you, from both of us.
I always feel bereft of words when I come here. But certainly not bereft of emotion. Your words do that, Andrew, the evoke emotion. They force us to deal with emotions we're not comfortable dealing with. That's a good thing. You matter, Andrew, for many reasons. The least of which, in my opinion, is your room full of dogs. Their really there for you, you know. Each one a fur wrapped bundle of unconditional love straight from the heart of God. Prayers, heartfelt, continue for you and Barbara.
ReplyDeleteJune, you've made me cry. Not easy to do. You are completely right about the dogs. They are at my feet as I write this. Quiet, watching.
DeleteGod, how I love this life! I would not trade it against anything.
Thank you som much for the prayers, June, from all of us.
I rarely know what to say about your posts. However, I feel love when I read your posts. The love you have for Barbara, your dogs and your readers. You are doing life right Andrew - you love. Thank you for using your words to spread love. Continuing to pray for you and Barbara.
ReplyDeleteOh, Michele! If only you could know the role you've had, through JoyReturns", in my regaining much of the capacity for love! You have done more for me, and by extension for the dogs and barbara, than you may know this side of Heaven.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers - from all of us.
Andrew - I'd tell you you're being far to hard on yourself, but then that is who you are.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I am glad for the time I've had with you and your thoughts. If God allows smoking in heaven, I'll enjoy sharing a wine infused cigar with you!
As i was glad to share that time with you, Paul...and without cigars, how could it be Heaven?
DeleteFirst of all my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. My husband is a Vietnam vet and suffers from PTSD too and I love him with all my heart as I'm sure Barbie does you. I felt like God gave me a special gift in my husband - he trusted me to care for him and be His arms here on earth to surround him. May God's love surround you now. PS-we are big dog lovers too and expecting a service dog after the first of the year.
ReplyDeleteRebecca, thank you so much for visiting...and my prayers are with you and your husband. He truly has a special gift in you.
DeleteTwo of my dogs are service dogs, and they work as a team to help - and protect - me.
God bless, Rebecca!
Thank you for the gift of your courage to share honestly and openly. Your posts always touch my heart. I think of you often, wonder how you are doing, and say a prayer that you will feel the Lord's nearness, know the assurance of His grace, be comforted by His endless love.
ReplyDeleteGrace Wins,
Elizabeth
Elizabeth, thank you so much! I truly appreciate the prayers.
DeleteI do feel God's presence, as a spur to write, and to say that no matter what (at least from my perspective), life is STILL worth living, and that every sunrise holds promise.
You continue to encourage me, brother. I continue to pray. You've accomplished much more than you'll ever know. God knows. And those pups, they know. And Barbara, she knows. And your readers, they know. Keep writing. Keep sharing. God is still using you.
ReplyDeleteAnd Julie, your words mean more to me than you may know. It's a very hard road some days...well, like right now. It feels like a giant fish-hook has been run from the right side of my upper abdomen, and out through my back, and it's being pulled relentlessly. It's not fun, but you know what...I wouldn't wish it away. THIS is my ministry, THIS is what I was made for, and yes, I will keep on writing.
DeleteI have no resentment. I'm OK with this.
I'm sorry that you have to travel through the valley of death for so many long days, Andrew. I think that would wear on anyone's soul and attitude. I do believe you've made a difference in this world, my friend. I don't think you'll fully understand or comprehend that in this life. But I can tell you that your words have blessed me and so many. You've opened my eyes to the horrors of living a slow death while trying your best to love your wife in spite of it all. I think she knows that deep down, even if she doesn't always express it to you. Keep on staying engaged with us--raw or not! We all appreciate and love what you are doing and who you are!
ReplyDeleteIt is wearing sometimes, Beth. Right now - I'm tired. But today I had the chance to set the fatigue and pain aside to help Barbara, who is dealing with both stress and work and "the heartbreak of psoriasis". I think...I HOPE...that this path has made me more effective in that way,or atleast more compassionate.
DeleteThe posts do get more personal,and harder to write, but at the same time there are subtle hints - from Above - that it's simply what I'm expected to do, and quitting just isn't on. So I won't. Not smart to say 'NO!" to God.
Andrew, you are an inspiration. I love your honesty and the way you choose not to "sugar coat" your truth -- the life that you are leading. Your Barbara is one lucky gal, and I'm sure she would agree. And thank you for rescuing so many dogs and giving them a home.Please keep writing. You are making an impact.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you, Barbie! For what good I may have done...I am blessed beyond measure. Even by Dukee the Pit Bull (aka The Walking Ottoman) who wants yet ANOTHER meal. Sigh.
DeleteDukee is pronounced Do-KAY, and in canine, it means...wait for it..."I'm hungry!"
I've been low on the computer lately; and so hard to "catch up" reading and commenting...browsing a few of the comments on your FMF post - which I did NOT get done! - what more is there to say except that I am still keeping you and Barbara in my prayers. We ARE a community of friends who share and care and encourage and are here for each other, even if just in words. Your life DOES mean so much to so many...and you DO know that!
ReplyDeleteBTW - I also enjoyed that Michael Buble show...as I do many of the entertainment ones and the Christmas movies; but find that watching too many of the "happy endings" gets me a little sad at what I DO NOT have until I remember what I DO have!!!
Hugs and Prayers and Love for you, Barbara and your animal kingdom!
Dea barbara, thank you so much for being here (and most especially for your prayers), and please pardon my lack of recent comments on your writing...things have been physically very, very tough.
DeleteI feel the same way about seeing too many 'happy ending' shows. The best ending - the most meaningful one - is that of Black Hawk Down, in which the final voice-over is "No one sets out to be a hero...it just sometimes works out that way."
That, as the ramp of a C-130 closes, to bear home the dead.
Blessings, my friend.
I'm late reading this post. But so glad I did. Every time I stop by to read here, I'm inspired and humbled and often put in my place. In a way that's constructive and good and real. Thanks for that. I have no doubt that you've mattered. In the short time I've "known" you via the B&S blog, you've touched me with your thoughtful writing. Thanks for being transparent and helping us all see that letting people in to see the not-so-perfect side of life makes us all more human and more capable to love one another. If we were all "perfect" what would be the need for that commandment? I pray for you, Andrew, and Barbara. Though I'll never meet you, you're in my brotherhood of believers, and that's enough to join us eternally regardless of time spent here on earth. Blessings to you, friend, on your journey.
ReplyDeleteNo worries about being late reading, Teresa...I'm late replying!
DeleteYour words truly touch my heart, and in your writing, I've often found the strength and faith to go on. I'm glad to know you. Your friendship matters to me.
I don't comment much Andrew, but most often I always read. Thank you. Thank you for your writing. PTSD is something that intrigues me, I am a vehement supporter of more help for those who have returned from war and have been without the necessary help needed. I am so thankful that you have your two special service dogs to keep care of you, as well as your other loved critters who i'm sure send you doleful glances of love throughout the day. Thank you for taking them in and loving them. Thank you for sharing the words you were compelled to share both here on the blog and in your book form. I downloaded two of your books and look forward to reading. I am thankful for you. I am thankful for the large role you play in this community. Thank you for being you. For being truthful. For continuing to write...i'm thankful for God directing your hands on the keys. May you be held and sustained brother.
ReplyDeleteJanel, thank you somuch for being here...and I LOVE the title of your blog!
DeleteI hope that you'll find something of hope and faith in what I've written; it's terribly important to me, to be able to say that even in the ruins of what was once a 'cool' life, there are still blessings beyond measure.
And I will keep writing, up to the point where I physically can't. I've learned that writing isn't about 'saying'...it's about learning to listen.