Withdrawal

If you've ever had to take certain kinds of medications for a long period of time, the word withdrawal can strike terror into you.

It's bad.

I have had to take narcotic painkillers for my worsening 'pancreatic issues' for a couple of years. For awhile they were holding the line, but lately have begun to lose their effectiveness, and have actually worsened the pain immediately after taking them.

Also - I don't have insurance, and new rules mandate a urine test every three months, which I can't afford.

So...long story short, I've been weaning myself off the painkillers. It's awful.

One of the most discouraging things is fatigue that simply can't be answered by rest or sleep. Everything is an effort - eating, drinking, just sitting up. I don't want to do it. It seems like too much.

Emotionally, everything takes on a darker hue. Life becomes grim, and the things that brought joy seem valueless.

And then there are the little things, like a runny nose, and grumbling stomach. I could do without either.

Temporary relief is only as far away as unscrewing a bottle-top. I started the weaning process before I ran out, and know that an extra pill would hurt, but would move me away from the fatigue and the gray outlook.

It would also be a step backwards. And so...no.

The only answer left for the pain is mental fitness. Without the help of medication, it won't be fun or pretty.

But that's life.