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Thursday, January 22, 2015

Why Men Don't Share Feelings {Five Minute Friday/ Weekend Brew}

Something urgent first...the city of Dyersburg, TN, wants to kill Beau, a Lab/Shepherd mix, for allegedly killing a duck.

But there was no duck. And now they want to kill Beau to cover up their mistake.

Please read Michele Kearns' post on this, and please share it.

Please. Please show that our country is better than this.

And now, here we are fort Five-Minute Friday , hosted by Kate Motaung. The challenge is to write for five minutes on a given "theme word", posted by Kate on Thursday night...and then stop when the timer dings.

We are also linking with The Weekend Brew.

Today's word is share..


Men do not like to share their feeling. No, really?

It's almost a cliche - "He won't tell me what he's thinking! I don't know how he feels!"

Well, there may be a simple reason. He doesn't know how he feels, either.

The male character is sometimes simplified to food, sex, and sport, and that is not entirely inaccurate. It's part nature, part nurture.

The nature part is in the designed role as provider and protector; Men are trained to act, and to react. Their feelings don't really play a role, and can indeed be detrimental in some situations ("Hey, I really shouldn't kill this lion...I mean, he has a family to feed, too, right?").

That really doesn;'t work, so the male mind has been designed with shutters that can effectively drop, shutting out feelings "for the duration".

And society reinforces this. I recently heard a Christian comedian - female - who said she was asked where all the handsome, sensitive men are.

Her reply? "They';re out there, and they all have boyfriends."

Kind of hard to overcome that. You're sensitive, you share your feelings, you're gay.

What's a wife to do?

Pick up on clues. Look at what you'r husband's reading; look at the movies he prefers. There are feelings there, whether he will admit it or not (dont worry, he won't).

And you know what? It doesn't matter, because once you can make that interprative jump, you can understand that beneath the caveman persona, there beats the heart of...

...well, a caveman.

But one with feelings.


If you have the chance, please stop by my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace", at www.dailygracequote.wordpress.com.


  1. How cool to hear from a brother!

    The fact that being emotionally expressive is placed squarely on the feminine end of the spectrum actually works against everyone. I'm not terribly demonstrative, so am I less of a woman? We all have feelings and we all need the chance to give vent to them in ways that work for our personalities. Thanks for this!

    1. You've made a good point, and it's very true. Likewise, there are men who are quite emotional...it's really an individual matter.

      And yes - we should be valued, and our feeling validated, in the way we CAN express them, not in the way the stereotypes say we should.

  2. Actually as my husband ages he gets mushier.... Often if I pull out photos of our teen girls when they were toddlers and he gets all misty eyed and says he can't look because it gets him all choked up. And yes he is a man's man and all...Thanks for sharing your caveman thoughts :) haha
    Blessings to you Andrew!

    1. I think you're very lucky, that he's developed that way. I wish more men would!

      Thanks for visiting!

  3. LOL Thanks for sharing this! I do agree that most men won't share their feelings. And I had some pretty close male friends before I was married.

    Do you agree with the premise of "Love and Respect," which says that men most need respect and women most need love?

    1. I agree, with qualifications, because in marriage love and respect are really intermingled, and respect is a different animal than it is outside the marriage relationship.

      We can't compartmentalize respect inside marriage, because we see 'the whole picture'; we might say we respect the legislative work of a congressman who is also a notorious philanderer...but it would be very hard indeed to respect a husband who is a dedicated human rights activist and a profligate adulterer.

      So the respect, in both directions, has to be tempered and grown in love.

  4. Not long ago my family was talking about how men and women communicate differently, specifically about making up after an argument. We agreed that women tend to be more emotional and talkative, and men will say something like, "[Want some] Chips?" and that'll be the reconciliation.

    At the last session of our last Sunday School class, I was the only woman in the room. When the teacher wrapped it up, none of the men said anything! So I spoke up: I told him how much we'd enjoyed the class and how much we'd learned, and I thanked him for the prep time he put into it. My husband said, "And that's how women communicate." So true, though.

    1. Very good point about reconcilliation.

      Works for dogs, too. When two male dogs fight, they will be sharing a chew-toy five minutes later, covered in slobber and with maybe a few scratches.

      When two girls fight, someone's got a date with the vet.

      And I loved your vignette about the Sunday School class...as you say, So True!

  5. Andrew, I loved this post. And yeah, I've seen the shutters go down when my husband is in task- or fix- or gotta-get-it-done mode. After nearly nineteen years of marriage, I've learned to let him go. Except if he's trying to fix me, and I don't want fixing. :)

    But, I've also studied him, so I'm learning how to read him and his expression of emotion. Most of the time, he's very even-keeled. But there are those times, when he gets choked up, or a flicker of anger sparks in his eyes and his face hardens, or he is tender.

    I guess that's one of the things I love about being married to him. I'm still figuring him out and how to be the best wife I can for him.

    Thanks for the smiles, and for the caveman's perspective. :)

    1. Thank you for sharing this, Jeanne...it's a brilliant narrative of observation, and exactly the right way to live in a relationship.

      Just beautiful. I think you made some people - including me - tear up a bit.

  6. This - 'the male mind has been designed with shutters that can effectively drop, shutting out feelings "for the duration".'

    So spot on, Andrew..

  7. Oh yes to all of this Andrew! I've been living in a man's world all my life-4 brothers, two sons and your perspective helps to add some understanding to the communication or lack of communication present. Thanks for sharing this at The Weekend Brew. Mary

    1. Mary, thank you for that. It is hard to get across the chromosome barrier, sometimes...both ways.

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    1. I just started reading away, and had no idea you were a guy! I thought, "This woman really KNOWS why men are the way they are!

      What a crack up of a "sharing" post. Loved it! I am showing this to Mr.Z. Lol!

    2. That is a HUGE compliment! Thank you so much! :)

  9. Andrew, you crack me up! But I think you're on to something with the men not knowing how they feel. My husband and I had to spend a lot of time learning to make 'I' statements, such as "I feel abandoned when you turn on the television and watch sports instead of talking to me." I think learning how access your feelings comes from understanding you love languages (well, it certainly helps, anyway!).

    1. The Love languages are a vital tool...if you can get a man to open up and be honest about them, which can be easier said than done.

      Sometimes I think men have a preference for mirrored sunglasses because they really want to preferentially reflect what will make them look best, with no access to the "inner person"...even if that being is far superior to the reflection.