Anniversaries...a time to look back.
And in a season of terminal cancer, a time to grieve what's been lost.
Our relationship, and marriage, will never be what it was. There's no shared adventure, no shared fun. What we share is pain, and the need to stabilize me...and walk the dogs who've become terrified at what's happening.
There were so many plans, place to go, things to do. Even small things, like an occasional dinner at Outback or Olive Garden.
But those are impossible now. Driving, for any distance, puts me into intolerable pain, and that's not the right way to drink a toast to love.
So, yes, grief. For hat might have been, for what's never going to be.
To me, what's happening is just 'one of those things'.
Shit happens, bring a shovel.
I really don't look back, and I don't look further forward than the next ten minutes or so. I've become ZenMan, living entirely in the present.
And that is so unfair to Barbara.
My world is proscribed; pancreatic cancer will kill me, eventually. I can fight for a long time, but the outcome isn't really in doubt. My life has an endpoint, and it's definite.
Not so, for my wife. She will live for decades yet (I hope!); my living in the now would be an unimaginable luxury for her, because she has to fit her life into a paradigm that includes past and future.
She's carrying the baggage, and I am forcing her to do so.
I'm not the only one hurting.
And I have to set her grief above my momentary calm.
For no particular reason, here's music from The Grass Roots, with Temptation Eyes.
Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.
I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.
Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.
Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.
Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
I don't really have words. I just want to say again what an inspiration you and Barb are to many of us. May God grant peace and comfort and strength and love! Hugs to you both!ReplyDelete
Gayl, we thank you so much for this. Hugs back!Delete
Andrew, you and Barb are navigating a terrible Hard. I am praying for you both as you walk out each day with each other. Sending you both very gentle hugs, my friend.ReplyDelete
Jeanne, thank you so much. Your support means the world to both of us.Delete
She is woman. Hear her roar. She is one helluva woman. And, I say that with all the respect I know. xoReplyDelete
Susan, she is indeed. Thank you so much, and please pardon my late reply. ROugh week.Delete
Thankyou Andrew your right it isn't fair, I found myself in a moment of disregard angry my husband's departure shattered our dreams but it didn't shatter God's Isaiah 57:1,2. May The Lord Bless you and Barbara both with peace, strength, and love,a renewed appreciation for life and acceptance in the now, don't let guilt bring you down, be gentle towards yourself. I think you too have grace and supernatural strength. Blessings Nancy fmf neighbor chains of hopeReplyDelete
Thank you so much for this, Nancy, and you're so right - God's promises can't be shattered.Delete
We thank you so much for your prayers, and apologise for the late reply.
Praying for you both! I am constantly amazed by how strong you both remain through such a massive challenge.ReplyDelete
Lesley, we are so grateful for your kind words, and your prayers. Please forgive the tardy reply!Delete
Praying for you both! Barbara is one incredible woman for walking this journey and standing by you.ReplyDelete
Tara, thank you for you prayers, and you're right - Barbara is incredible.Delete
And please excuse the tardiness of thi reply.
Praying for you Andrew, and for your wonderful woman who is right beside you in the present. I imagine eternity will be one continual"present" experience of joy, for there will be no time. I wonder what that will do to memory and expectation. I know there will be no sadness, no grief. In the meantime, love and know you are loved.ReplyDelete
Mary, thank you so much for these words, and especially for your prayers.Delete
I suspect that both memory and expectation will be sharpened in Heaven, and their true purpose and brightness will be fulfilled in their completion.
And please pardon the late reply!
You both have my admiration and prayers.ReplyDelete
Jan, we are so grateful...and please excuse the late reply.Delete
What a painful, and yet beautiful, tribute to your wife! All the strength and perseverance to you both as you use the your time together in the best way possible.ReplyDelete
Katha, thank you so much for this, from both of us.Delete
And please pardon the lateness of the reply.
Happy Anniversary! Blessings to you and prayers with you!ReplyDelete
Leigh, thank you so very much! (And please pardon my delay in responding.)Delete
"Shit happens, bring a shovel." Probably my new favorite phrase.ReplyDelete
Here's some anniversary music for you two:
Marie, thank you so much for this! And please pardon the late reply.Delete
Better include this one, too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krC2QWHzXz0ReplyDelete
Marie, double thanks...these are such wonderful songs. John, Paul, George and Ringo really had it...together, and by themselves.Delete
I don't know if you or Barbara would be interested in this idea that came to my mind, but what if Barbara took you on a virtual vacation? I mean, maybe she could think of some of the places and sights she would have liked to go with you to see/visit. She could show you pics on a computer of those places and you could talk about what you would have liked to have done there together. I know it sounds cheesy, and you might not have the strength or desire to do such a crazy idea, but I thought it might be comforting in a weird way--to go there together in your collective mind's eye.ReplyDelete
I'm praying for you Andrew! I've done so without stop since we met online. I've been on a blogging break, but am back and so sorry to hear that you still are suffering so terribly. I only pray that God eases your pain and gives you the perseverance to fight back death. Hugs and prayers to you and Barbara!
Excellent idea, Beth! ♥ Use Google Earth if you can! That's how I *travel* since there's no way we can afford to do it in real life! Google Earth is the best!Delete
Beth, what a wonderful idea! I had never thought of this, though I have occasionally done something similar to keep my mind and spatial orientation in shape, looking for abandoned WW2 airfields in England using Google Earth. Even seventy years on, they leave definite markings in the vegetation.Delete
We so appreciate you, Beth...hugs back, an please excuse my delay in replying.
Happy belated anniversary! I know it's not what you'd planned, but you still have the love that you share and a God Who is bigger than any mountain you have to climb in your current situation. Many prayers and blessings for you guys from me and Jerry! ♥ReplyDelete
Diana, thank you! Indeed He is bigger than the biggest, baddest mountain, and He carries us...every day.Delete
We so appreciate your prayers, and you guys are in ours.
Still here, praying peace for both of you.ReplyDelete
Jane, oops, I put my reply in the wrong place! It's just below.Delete
Jane, thank you so much. Your presence and your prayers mean a lot.ReplyDelete
Andrew, I always look for your words here or at Kara's.ReplyDelete
Hugs from Annie
I hope you can get some TO GO Olive Garden or Outback this weekend. I, too, have been married for 16 years. Our story is different than yours. But, the pain is still there at times with illness and sadness every year for some event. I pray you can find the Zen today. I am presently drinking ZEN tea from TAZO if you can get your hands on it try it.ReplyDelete