The pain in my abdomen and chest and leg were so bad that I had to put a towel in my mouth to keep from crying out (Barb needs her sleep for her challenging job), and still I was thrashing so bad the dogs were quite concerned.
And then there was this morning, when I didn't make it to the dunny, and the dogs fled to the four winds. I know you didn't need to read that, and I didn't need to live it, but that is My Cancer Life.
So the question, unbidden - Why me?
Why?
But it's the wrong question; whether it's random causality introduced by the fall of man, or a generational curse, or something horrible I did clawing out a karmic vengeance...it doesn't matter.
Why is the wrong question.
How? is the right one.
How do I continue to function like a gentleman, with honour and courtesy, when pain and humiliation and loss of future are tearing down the very walls of character?
It starts with expression.
Smile, even though it hurts.
Then, posture.
Stand up straight, even though it REALLY hurts.
And finally, tone of voice.
Think before speaking, and never let an unkind word, nor an ill-modulated tone, pass your lips, for the lips are the guardians of your reputation.
Master those three and the real enemy in cancer is beaten, for you will arrive at the Pearly Gates a gentleman.
And yes, I realize that aspiring to be a gentleman makes me a dinosaur in this age of gender-blending and identity politics. I wear that label with no little pride, so over to John Williams, and the main title from Jurassic Park. So there!
But first, a riddle...what do you call a T. Rex with a great singing voice?
Dinah Shore. Geddit?
Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.
I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.
Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.
Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.
Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Helo! I found your name from an insightful comment you made in an article about Christian fiction. I pray that the pain will be more manageable. --maryann
ReplyDeleteMaryann, thank you so much for this...and for just plain being here. Your taking the time to comment lifts my spirits, more than you may realize.
DeleteAnd thank you so much for your prayers!
Keep on keeping on, my friend. It will all be worth it in the end.
ReplyDeleteJoe, thank you. It sure will!
DeleteAndrew... I've always loved your name - the brother that got none of the credit but went and got his brother to introduce him to Jesus... Andrew, my adult son is missing. He took his misfiring, irrational and yet brilliant brain, and a broken, discouraged but totally oblivious spirit and took off on a sailboat to Figi. (after teaching himself to sail in only a week) We don't know where he left from. He is gone. The possibility of ever seeing him, or knowing what's happened to him is slim to none. This is the grief I am learning (do you ever really learn?) to live with. To build Life around an empty heart. You, sir, have helped me in this grief. I am eternally grateful. Say a few words for me, my husband and my son to the Almighty One, would you? Thank you for reaching beyond your pain, to comfort ours.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry. I will pray as well.
DeleteOh, Jane! I am so sorry, and you and your brother are in our prayers.
DeleteI don't think you ever learn it live with grief; it can be subsumed, used to build something, but life can never be as it was before.
We will speak to the Almighty of you, and your husband, and your son. I am so honoured that my words can offer some comfort, some help. God bless.
Awwww, Andrew. It's so good to know chivalry isn't dead. :) You bring up a good point. We may not be able to control the circumstances that invade our lives, but we can choose how we respond to them. Thank you for being an everyday example of this.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you, friend>
Jeanne, thank you for this...chivalry has always been one of my guiding principles, and while I've been chastised for it, I won't abandon the practice. Rather be all on my own, as a gentleman.
DeleteAnd yes, it is how we choose - that's the keyword, I think - to react. To everything.
Thank you so much for the prayers!
Bless you, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteMy dear Norma, thank you so much!
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